Move over, Patti. There's a new matchmaker in town.

We all know that relationships don’t last long in Hollywood.  Could it be because celebrities are completely blind to their perfect matches?  You can’t let things like addictions and insane exes get in your way of true love, guys!

Here at College Candy, we’ve scoured the internet, read through all the tabloids, and racked our brains for the most perfect star-studded couples.  Using a highly-scientific method, we’ve taken various criteria into account – hot-mess status, history of violence, etc.- and calculated the most compatible romantic matches.  Take a look at who’s no longer on the market!

Spencer Pratt and Kelly Bensimon

Between The Hills and Real Housewives of New York, these two bring the crazy coast to coast.  Am I the only one wondering why King Spencer hasn’t found his queen in Kelly?  Imagine the insane conversations!  They would just babble on and on and talk over one another until next thing you knew, healing crystals were flying across the room and they fell to the floor having passionate, angry sex.

Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne

One word: LiloWayne.  Great celebrity nickname or greatest celebrity nickname?  Just picture it- their eyes meet across the jail cafeteria, sparks fly (or perhaps that was a stray bullet), and before you know it they’re running from the law hand in hand.  Post-incarceration they’ll shun conformity, opting instead to continue in their boozy, drug-addled ways.  It’s a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, what romance!

Kate Gosselin and Jake Pavelka

I can see this either going really, really well or oh-so horribly wrong.  They’re both control freaks, that we know.  But they’re also fame whores who claim to value family and respect and love above all else. Thanksgivings would be off the charts- kids running everywhere dismantling the house, Vienna sobbing over the phone, Jon busting in with three underage girlfriends.  Kate and Jake can go hide in the pantry, binge eating animal crackers and fake cursing.  Gosh darn gee wiz!

Denise Richards and Scott Disick

Uh, he’s gotta be a better dad than Charlie Sheen, right?  Denise and Scott can commiserate on how they barely made it out of abusive relationships- physically with Charlie, emotionally with Mama Kardashian.  And I say barely because I believe Scott was briefly forced into employment for a period of time…thankfully that didn’t stick.  Now they can bask in the flash of the cameras while they gallivant down Rodeo Drive spending their settlement money.

John Stamos and Miley Cyrus

He likes the youngins, she has no concept of what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for a seventeen year-old.  Sure, Uncle Jesse is old enough to be Hannah Montana’s father.  Think it’ll matter to anyone?  If the feds question the legality of this match-up, her parents will say, “She’s just being Miley!”

Chelsea Handler and Big Black

But only if they can adopt the chain smoking Indonesian baby.

Johnny Weir and Tim Gunn

Ohmigod, can you just imagine the outfits!  Johnny needs someone to detox him from glitter and Tim would do well to let loose a bit.  Once they worked their magic on one another, it would be a hysterical, fashion-forward pairing.  And the wedding, don’t even get me started on all the possibilities.  Heidi as best man!  That strict German skating coach as officiant!  I need to sit down for this…

The most delicious guys of 2009.

Denise Richards looking for more publicity.

Smartest t-shirt ever?

Everyone’s mad for plaid.

Get Taylor Swift’s curls.

Does God hate Lady Gaga?

Chelsea Handler is gonna be around for awhile. Woohoo!

New York schools bursing with cash.

Pharrell Williams croons for McDonalds.

Lindsay Lohan is broke (and way too skinny).

Denise Richards can’t dance.

Ugly guys make better booty calls?

Small diet changes that produce big results.

Jennifer Hudson returns to Idol.

Be your own fashion designer.

Get beauty products for free.

Manage your time better.

Kanye looks….scary.

Everything you need to look your best.

Is Fergie as Fergalicious as a brunette?

Watch out Denise Richards, rumor has it, that the show’s cursed.

What did Barbie teach you?

You could be Hef’s next Girl Next Door, literally.

Feud Alert: Miley Cyrus vs. Radio head! Which team are you on?

No cash? Check out these deals of the day.

Cher or Britney, who wore it best?

Watch out for these online dating red flags.

As a woman, I know we have a tendency to be rather catty at times. I’m not sure if it is nature or nurture, but it is there and sometimes it can get the best of us. Who is better to teach women the art of cattiness, than the women of Hollywood? We are constantly exposed to bickering women not only on TV and in the movies, but also in the celebreality of their day-to-day lives. The cattiness factor comes more often than not when a man is involved and the love triangle becomes a tug-of-war. (Please keep in mind, in most of these upcoming catty situations the guy is hardly worth it…except for maybe Brad.)

In December’s issue of Vogue, hitting stands next week, Jennifer Aniston discusses her feelings about Angelina Jolie providing a time-line for when she and Brad Pitt began having their affair (yes, while Jen and Brad were still married.) Jen said it was really “uncool” and “inappropriate” of Ang to discuss their affair, especially admitting the fact that she couldn’t wait to come to work during the filming of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Poor Jen. She’s better off without him! Though he is mighty fine to look at…

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when ex-husband starts bangin’ your best friend. As was the case in with Heather Locklear, Richie Sambora, and Denise Richards. Locklear reportedly went crazy when she found out Richards was boning her ex-husband, Sambora. In the end, Richie lost both of the hot women in his life, Heather may have turned into a drunk and Denise has revitalized her career as a hollywood homewrecker. Bummer.

Lindsay Lohan. Enough said, right? She has been in the news for everything from drug abuse to turning gay, but there was a time when she was an innocent teenager whose boyfriend cheated on her. Lindsay and Hilary Duff were at each other’s throats calling each other immature and childish over a little spat over…get this: Aaron Carter! (teeheehee…come on girls, seriously?) Hilary went as far to say that she hated Lindsay. May not sound like much, but at Disney that is like a racial slur. Ouch!

Why anyone would ever date or even look at K-Fed, I’m not exactly sure. But, two women did and they even fought over the loser, which is even more difficult to imagine. Not only did Shar Jackson and Britney cat fight over K-Fed, they even had his gross babies (ok, ok they aren’t gross. They’re actually pretty cute). Britney stole Shar’s man…. and then she went crazy insane. Coincidence? I think not. K-Fed is the human version of ebola.

Where there is smoke, there always seems to be a blond hotel heiress. Paris Hilton once dated Rick Solomon and then Rick married Shannen Doherty. I guess Shannen didn’t want to make “movies” with Rick, so he started boinking Paris, again. Unfortunately, it was while he was still married to Shannen. Paris allegedly sent psycho messages to Shannen telling her to leave Rick alone. It appears that money doesn’t always bring happiness or sanity, but it will attract a greasy wanna-be amateur porn-king. I am glad I am poor.

While the idea of chugging gallons of vinegar to cleanse the body sounds tempting, not all of us can afford the $8000 price tag.

Still want to take a walk in the wilds of detox? Here are 7 insane spa treatments to look into.

Placenta Facials

Denise Richards and Megan Fox spending up to $500 for this anti-aging treatment that involves getting smeared with the layers of skin that protect a fetus inside a mother’s body. According to skin-care specialists, placenta facials are good for people with acne-prone skin that has been dried out from over-exfoliation.

Bull Semen Hair Conditioning

The latest offering at Hari’s Salon in London, the spa claims a combination of bull semen and protein rich plant roots strengthen hair and increases shine. “The semen is refrigerated before use and doesn’t smell,” owner Hari Salem says. “I have been searching for an organic product with a lot of protein because that is what hair is made of and lacks when it is dry. It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick.”

Dark Bathing Beer Baths

This one might even tempt your boyfriend. Clients at the Chodovar Beer Spa in the Czech Republic are immersed in a bath, enriched with active beer yeast and dehydrated crushed herbs. The warm water opens pores providing skin with a “wide range of vitamins, proteins and saccharides” that soften and regenerates the skin. After a 20 minute soak, clients enjoy 25-minutes of bed rest, covered in a fleece quilt, and then a 30-50 minutes massage.

Snake Massage

If you’re in the northern Israeli village of Talmey El’Azar, $70 will buy you a king, corn and milk snake massage. Six non-venomous serpents slither and slide across patients to relieve aching muscles and stiff joints. Reptile farmer/aesthetician Ada Barak says contact with the creatures is soothing.

Bird Poop Facials

Historically used to remove stains from delicate silk garments and whiten the skin of Japanese geishas, aestheticians swear by combining facial cleansers with a quarter teaspoon of dehydrated nightingale droppings. “The reason this product may work is the high concentration of urea in the fecal-urine combination in bird feces,” says dermatopharmacologist Brian Keller. “Urine has a lot of urea in it and it has long been used as a skin-softening agent.” Also known as Geisha Facials, the cost of a single treatment ranges between $144 and $225.

Arctic Ice Room

When in Vegas, do as the Romans do. Ancient bath houses featured cooling pools after a hot soak, and now spa operators at the Qua Spa at Caesar’s Palace are offering a similar treatment. In the Arctic Ice room, snow falls from a domed ceiling through mint-infused air chilled to 55 degrees Fahrenheit. Apparently rapid cooling of the body has proven health benefits.

Aura Adjustment

A modern twist on crystal healing, AuraLift treatments use probes to press on acupuncture points. Meanwhile, colored light passes through gemstones. The result should lift and tone skin muscles, leaving women feeling “radiant” with or without makeup.

Before you head for the nearest mall, get smart. Hundreds of companies use October to boost their image (not to mention their profits) by connecting themselves to a good cause. Just because an item is anointed with the sacred pink ribbon doesn’t make it clear where the money from this product is going.

If you really want to make a real difference in the fight against breast cancer, volunteering your time or contributing to a great, reputable charity is the way to go. But if you’re in the mood to splurge (or stock up on office supplies, paper towels, lip gloss and home furnishings) read the fine print on those pink product labels.

In the meantime, here’s a peak at nine awesome items from brands that donate a significant amount to breast cancer charities

Celebrity Tees by Bop Basics

Shopbob has partnered with Denise Richards, Hilary Duff, Sophia Bush, Nicky Hilton, Cindy Crawford and Jamie King to launch Breast Cancer Awareness Month Tees. Each shirt has a unique design, with 50% of each sale going to Breast Cancer Network of Strength, an organization that provides emotional support to anyone affected by breast cancer. Its mission is to ensure that no one faces breast cancer alone.

General Mills’ “Save Lids to Save Lives” Yoplait Yogurt

This program has raised more than $19 million over the past 10 years. The program donates 10 cents to Susan G. Komen For The Cure Foundation for every lid mailed back by the end of the year, with a guaranteed donation of $500,000 and a cap of $1.5 million.

e.l.f.’s Super Glossy Lip Shine in Pink Kiss

Only $1 most drug stores, 100% of all sales during October benefit the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Estee Lauder Pink Ribbon CollectionEstee

Lauder will donate $500,000 in connection with the sales of its Pink Ribbon Collection to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Tomboy Traveler Tool Kits & Hammers

In partnership with the Susan G. Komen For the Cure Foundation, Tomboy is working to make a $1 million donation to research. The company will donate $7 of each Tomboy Traveler tool kit sold before Dec. 31 and 50% of the purchase price of their Help Hammer Out Breast Cancer tools.

In The Pink Chocolate Collection

Put your diet on hold. 20% of the retail price of these divine chocolates are donated to fund various breast cancer research projects. Voted one of the best holiday gifts on the Today Show, the nine piece box includes flavors like Bravery Baseball Caps, Pink Paisley, Swirls, Pink Ribbon, You Go Girl!, Raspberry, and Heart of Life.

Aveda Breast Cancer Awareness Hand Relief

$4 from each sale will fund environmental research at the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Founded in 1993 by Evelyn H. Lauder and dedicated to funding clinical and genetic research on breast cancer at medical institutions across the globe, Aveda will donate a maximum of $300,000.

Hanky Panky Breast Cancer Signature Thong

Lacy, low-rise and adorned with a rhinestone breast cancer awareness ribbon on the hip. You can’t pass up these sexy one-size-fits-all panties. $2 of every purchase will be donated to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Skyn ICELAND Detox Kit

In October the $45 kit gives you a month’s supply of face wash, face mist, lotion and oxygen-infusing night cream and provides $5 donation to The American Cancer Society. The collection is free of parabens, petroleum and sulfates, as well as being 100 percent vegetarian.

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When he arrives at the Palms, in all his hoodie rocking glory, Jeremy storms into the studio like he owns it (in his delusional post-coke bender world, he probably does.) He wastes no time in bragging to anyone who will listen (the people Dina pays to sit around the studio) about how sick of a producer he is. This is the first of many examples of unprofessional behavior that Jeremy chooses to demonstrate. Big surprise, Jeremy’s shamelessly plugging his shiz on Ali & Dina’s pay. Ali–realizing good ol’ Jer isn’t even in the studio with her, but in another room playing his Garage Band mixes for studio execs rolling their eyes at him– gets an inkling that Jeremy be more concerned with his career than hers. GASP!

After closing his tricked out Myspace page, Jeremy tells Ali it’s important that they not waste any time, as they only have 6 hours in the studio and Jeremy has finished pimping himself out to those who do not care. Ali is visibly upset at her whack producer, and I’ve got to say I’m on her side. Yes, I obviously saw this coming from episode one, but not everyone is blessed with the strong sense of prescience I possess (Ok and the editors made it pretty damn obvious). But Ali seems hurt, confused and betrayed: Jeremy was using her. We’ve all been there.

Ali’s natural reaction to this insult is the kneejerk response of any 14 year old girl– passive aggressive sabotage. Suddenly, she’s just not “feelin’” Jeremy’s tracks. I think this is the music industry equivalent of “It’s not you, it’s me.” However, Ali is hesitant to upset Jeremy by telling him his song blows, so she has her vocal coach do it for her… while she sits next to her smirking. After they drag Jeremy away from the camera (he’s been waxing philosophical about his dope beats, Real World Confessional style), they break the news that it just ain’t happening for Ali.

Surprise surprise, Jeremy’s inappropriate behavior continues as he blames Ali for not liking his lame ass song. Their argument gets so heated that Ali storms out of the studio. Jeremy is insulted, but insists that he can go “drop his record” somewhere else.

After he moans and bitches to the entire Studio at the Palms’ staff, Jeremy realizes that Ali has the right to dislike his beats.

He calls Ali to beg for her forgiveness, only to receive the ultimate breakup dismissal: Ali ends this toxic relationship via phone. And she goes the whole 9 yards with “You’re cool and sweet, but it’s just not working out, sorry!” Jeremy, always the epitome of maturity, gets pissed and sulks off down the hallway, hopefully never to return.

Dina, who’s been insisting to us that she does not spend enough time on herself, has just returned from the salon and gym, where she was personally trained by a guy who plays for this team. She also has spent her “me” time attempting to convert Dakota to her immoral ways by introducing him to Hef (whom he politely wishes happy birthday), Holly, Kendra and Bridget. I would like to note that Cody remained the unwavering picture of genteel as he called the Girls “very pretty” and confirms his belief in monogamy (that’s my man!)

Anyways, Dina is slightly dismayed to learn that the recording sesh has gone to Hell in a handbasket during her absence. After all, Jeremy told her it was “gonna be hot” (Incidentally, any guy who speaks like that is absolutely not to be trusted, come on Dina baby!) Nonetheless, Dina says “I told you so” about Jeremy’s sucky song and tells Ali she’ll clean up the mess. I can’t help but wonder if that is the healthiest parenting method, but who am I to question the techniques used to raise future substance abusers and pretend lesbians.

Dina calls Phil Maloof to tell him about the snag that they’ve hit, and tells him “Uh, yea you have a week to find me a new song.” Leaving us all on the edge of our seats to see what happens…

Next Week:

E-man comes back into the studio to pick up the pieces Jeremy left behind and hopefully write Ali a decent track. Everyone seemed pleased with the few he’s already produced, and I am confident that they will sound eerily similar (if not exactly the same).

Cody arranges for Dina a surprise audience of middle aged tourist women for some reason unknown to me. But hey, Cody can do no wrong so I’m sure it will end well. There was also mentioning of Dina’s Rockettes fame, so hopefully we’ll get to experience some cougar high kicking!

Since her two young children, Sam and Lola, are also appearing, Richards has received a lot of flack for this new series. One critic, who could stand to shut his, dare I say, profuse and floppy gums, Mr. Perez Hilton, has made it clear that he despises Richards. (And we care…because?) Here’s the big surprise and apparently big “news:” Richards is now a reality star “whore” who craves attention. Wow. Shocking.

While I am certainly no fan of Richards, I also am not sure why people seem to be so aghast by her decision to star in a show with her children. This lack of surprise is not related to the theory that Richards finds herself a target because of the obvious and inherent sexism of American culture, a problem that is particularly bad when it comes to scrutinizing female celebs vs. their male counterparts. In this case, I think, quite frankly, the overwhelming degree of anti-Richards sentiments should be considered from an entirely non-gendered perspective, and since she is ENORMOUSLY important in the scheme of cosmic things (forget about those recent monumental tragedies and staggering loss of souls in Asia), this new show deserves further attention.

(Un)Concealing One’s Scumminess

Richards managed to appear (gasp!) dignified on the Larry King Live Show, but that level of professional aloofness went poof! a few days ago. Here’s the back story. According to the Sheen camp, Richards texted (they even have evidence!) her sorrowful painfully gaunt ex-husband recently, asking for sperm for a third child. This is the man, mind you, who has silk boxer shorts with the saying “M’Sheen” stitched above his you-know-what region. Although this grimy piece of evidence – said boxer shorts – may seem gratuitous, it proves something important.

Such infinitesimal and unconcealed clues – a pair of undergarments or something else hidden – reveal something sinister in this tireless mud-slinging battle of Richards vs. Sheen. In short, they’re both pretty scummy. It’s not a matter of the media unfairly portraying them, attacking one, while sympathizing with the other, etc. If an ex-husband has a pair of boxers with this saying, even after the fact, it’s should also raise questions about the ex-wife’s character, too.

While some may disagree with that type of assertion and refute the link between Sheen’s unsavory boxers and Richards’s character, here’s another piece of evidence. Richards couldn’t maintain a type of dignity during this latest blow-out. Her earlier appearance on Larry King’s show concealed her true pettiness. Richards replied publicly to Sheen’s claims in the highly-esteemed Page Six rag. (Yes, please make note of the paradoxical description).

In response to Sheen’s claims that she wanted his fertile liquids, and stooping to his level (Insert: below that of a gutter), Richards blasted him, saying, “”I don’t want Charlie’s prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We’ll leave it at that. I am so over him. He’s the one who can’t move on. He’s disgusting and he’s hit an all-time low.”

Granted, Sheen did tell her that he hopes she dies from cancer, as her mom did, but who would refer to an ex’s sperm as “prostitute-tranny-infested?” Not only that, who would say, “I don’t want my [ex’s] prostitute-tranny-infested sperm” and then follow it up with a remark about having two lovely kids, spawned by, none other than, said man whose sperm carries germs from hos and transsexuals? Not the response that one would expect from a person “over” an ex or who feigns propriety.

It’s all quite confusing. Before spluttering like the two rivals I’ve discussed above, I’ll close here.

I’d advise Richards to consider a new publicist. The present one has given her lines that only serve to debase her character, making her just as pathetic and ugly as her arch nemesis, not to mention father of her “two beautiful children”.