Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I kind of hate my best friend.

It’s not her fault. She’s fine. She’s nice to me. She’s nice to our other friends. I’ve been living with her since Freshman year (we’re Juniors now) and she’s good as a roommate. But I just can’t stand her. She’s just always on my nerves. She complains about everything. I used to think it was funny but now it just brings me down. And if you ever say you like something, she always has to tell you why it isn’t worth liking until you can’t stand it either.

The rest of our friends still hang out with her but only in groups. They don’t come to our room anymore to hang out because she’s always complaining. I get stuck with her because I live with her, and I don’t want to sneak out too much or I think it will hurt her feelings. She’s not a bad person. She’s actually really thougthful and smart. She just really brings me down, and I feel terrible about it. What do I do?

Bad Friend

Dear Bad Friend,

That flooping sucks. There are some people (okay, many people) who just suck all the air out of the room. Some people call them psychic vampires. Those people are annoying too. People who are a bummer but who are otherwise great people are that much more of a bummer. You want them to be the cool person you know they are, but here they come again, dragging everyone down to their complainy depths. And it sucks, because it sounds like you totally like her. She is, after all, your “best friend,” and she’s definitely your roommate.

But you’re in luck, because lil’ ol’ Tuffy actually has a really good idea for you: SET HER UP! No, not for a crime. SHOOOOOOOP. Set her up on a DATE. In other words, find her a guy. Or at the very least, set her on the path to finding a guy.

This is good for several reasons:

(1) She’ll have someone else to complain to.

(2) It frees you up to hang out with your friends who aren’t downers. And

(3) She might actually get happier!!

This is win-win for both of you. Otherwise, I suggest, since she’s your best friend, that you sit down and talk to her about it. After all, maybe she just needs a supportive friend. And, as her bff, that should really be you. By the by, if you think she’s depressed, please help her get some help. Find out about the counseling services at your school and take her there yourself. Be a good friend, but don’t get pulled down in the process!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

It’s the start of a new school year and to honor that, we at CollegeCandy are bringing back a fan-favorite series, “We’ve All Been There.”  (We tried to get another national holiday/long weekend for you guys but it’s way harder than we thought so this will have to do.) Every week, Lauren – University of Michigan will comment on the common experiences all college women share – like the first day of classes or trying to figure out if that boy is crushin’ too. Read, relate, cringe and enjoy.

The boy you love just broke your heart, so your girlfriends decide that drinking is in order. Because nothing numbs the pain quite like a few shots of SoCo. Together with your roommates, you pick out a super hot outfit (consisting of some combination of low cut top/push up bra), take a few pre-gaming shots and head out the door to either “show him what he’s missing,” or “forget about that jerk.”

The night is perfect: you dance, you drink (a lot), and you even find a cute boy to flirt with in the corner.

Then, obvi, the relentless craving for breadsticks and marinara takes over and you and the girls head home for the Late Night Special from your favorite pizza place.

You make your way to your room to change before the food arrives and are suddenly reminded of just how depressed you are. Why doesn’t he love me? you ask yourself. What is wrong with me? Maybe if I just send him an email and tell him how I feel he will change his mind and want to be with me.

You sit down at your desk.

You turn on John Hiatt’s, “Have a Little Faith in Me,” or the “love songs” channel on Pandora.

You open your email, hoping deep down inside that he has already sent you one, that he realizes he made a big mistake, that he too is sitting at home crying to the soothing sounds of The Fray. That he still loves you.

He hasn’t.
Your heart sinks.

As the mascara stained tears streak your face and form a puddle on your desk, you start writing your own:

hi. i got drinks and i lovre you. i dont know why you hate meeeee. i lobve yoiu. i want to eat breadsticlks but im too sad czu i love you.

At this point the pizza has arrived and your roommates storm into your room, pizza box in hand, to find you weeping silently over your laptop as you type away. Snot is dripping from your nose and you wipe it with your bare arm just before it hits your upper lip. You don’t care. You just keep typing and crying and really connecting with the sad lyrics blaring out of your laptop speakers.

If you are lucky, your roommates get to you before you hit the send button. If you are not quite as lucky (or a really fast typer), it is only a matter of time until the email is opened and any shred of post break-up dignity is lost. But until then, there is pizza. And breadsticks. And unyielding drunken hope that he’s thinking the same things you just wrote, he was just too distraught to put them in an email yet.

A hope which inevitably dies the minute you wake up in the morning and realize what you’ve done.

Yeah, you’re not alone; we’ve all been there before. Many times.
Just be grateful at least you didn’t wake up with a full slice of pizza smashed between your keys and your screen.

Maybe you’ve been too busy organizing your notebooks for the new semester, but the season of winter is here. For some of you, that means hot cocoa, the opportunity to wear your cute knit hat, and general jolliness all around. But for others, it means the return of unwanted feelings like depression, pessimism, and exhaustion.

It’s normal to feel a bit less enthusiastic about life when the freezing cold weather starts to make walking to class a serious chore, not to mention a safety hazard (I have slipped on ice and fallen on my ass in front of people waaay too many times). But if you think your case of the winter blues is more intense than your friends’, you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a mood disorder believed to be caused by the lack of sunlight during the winter months.

Some symptoms of SAD are:
Trouble waking up in the morning
Lack of energy
Overeating/craving carbs
Weight gain
Social withdrawal

If you think you might have SAD, you are not alone. More importantly, you don’t have to suffer from it all winter long. There are things you can do to lessen the symptoms and get through the blah-ness of winter.

1. Call your school’s health center and see if they offer free therapy sessions. If they do, take advantage of them! It really helps to talk to someone who can help you sort through your problems in an unbiased way, and you never know what a difference that can make until you try.

2. If that’s not your thing, you could try bright-light therapy. Since the lack of natural sunlight is usually a main cause of SAD, investing in a bright light for your room could have you feeling better in no time.

3. Start taking Vitamin D supplements. Some researchers think that a Vitamin D deficiency, the natural vitamin that comes from sunlight, could cause SAD. Getting a little extra during the winter, then, will help stabilize your mood.

4. If all else fails, talk to your doctor about antidepressants. The idea of medicine might not appeal to you, but they can really help regulate your mood and get you through the long and dreary winter.

The one good thing about SAD is that it’s only temporary; you’ll be back to normal once the end of March rolls around. And until then, try to enjoy the finer aspects of winter: lunch tray sledding, snowball fights with friends, hot cocoa and TV marathons, and the joy that comes from not having to shave your legs every other day.

I know exactly what I want to do with my life, but after a few months in the real world I’m starting to realize all these “bad economy” rumors are not just urban legend. No one is hiring. I keep expanding my job horizons further and further out to the point where I’m filling out Starbucks applications and assuring myself that writing down orders is the same thing as writing a script.

My summer plan of living with my grandparents and moving out in the fall has turned into my life plan of living with my grandparents and learning how to play bridge with them. All I kept saying as I cried to my mom on the phone was that no one told me it was going to be this hard. I knew it wasn’t going to be college, I knew finding a job would take a while, and I even knew living with my grandparents would give me a natural mothball scent that didn’t come off in the shower.

But I didn’t know that not having college to look forward to in the fall and not having a job and not having alternatives to prune juice in the fridge was going to be so depressing. I met a college sophomore this weekend and before I could stop myself I yelled out, “don’t graduate!” I used to hate when people said that to me – as if you had the option to just not graduate (with the exemption of being a 5th year senior).

I think I’m steps away from telling incoming freshman to cherish their four years because life is all downhill after there. And then I’ll know that I’ve truly entered old age.

After the novelty of college graduation (and all the great gifts that came with it) wore off, I spent a year crying myself to sleep. And I’m not exaggerating. While being done with school after 16 years was pretty liberating, not knowing what was coming next scared the sh*t out of me. And the fact that no one ever warned me how difficult being an adult would be made things a whole lot harder.

I went through a lot that first year – looking for a job, moving to a new city, ending a long relationship, and learning how to care for myself, to name a few – all by myself and now feel that I have the experience and knowledge to advise others on the transition. Because it’s a hard one and every college grad should know that they are not alone. Come back every week for another nugget of information to help you survive in the big, bad world.

My commencement speaker, like most commencement speakers, spent 25 minutes telling my graduating class about the endless possibilities in the real world. He spoke of our bright futures, giving back, and making the world a better place.  The speech was inspiring, but now that I’m on the other side of the cap and gown, I wish he had gone in another direction.

Perhaps he could have taken a more realistic approach and warned us of how hard that first year after college was going to be. And that it was OK to be really, really unhappy.

When you’re a college senior, life after college seems like a glamorous world filled with an awesome new job, an awesome new city, and a bright, successful future. You see all those people who graduated before you living it up and enjoying their new place in the real world.

The reality, though, isn’t quite so bright and cheery. The truth: that first year out of college isn’t always so easy. In fact, it’s pretty sh*tty.

College is a big tease. Someone up above plopped you onto a playground and introduced you to tons of really great friends. You had 4 years to play around, get into trouble, and worry about no one but yourself. Fast forward to graduation and it’s all taken away. Your friends are spread all over the country, you (hopefully) have a 9-5 job, bills, and a lot of new responsibilities.

Let me tell you: it’s overwhelming, it’s hard and it’s pretty effing awful. And it’s totally OK to feel that way. In fact, the hardest part about my first year out of college was the fact that no one ever warned me. Here I was, living in New York City, crying myself to sleep every night. I felt like a loser, like the only person in the world who couldn’t seem to find my place.

But that wasn’t the case at all. The truth was, everyone was feeling that way; we were all just too scared to admit it.  Ask anyone now – 4 years after college – and they will tell you that the first year was the hardest they’ve ever had. All those changes, all those rejections, and doing it all completely alone.

Why am I telling you this? No, it’s not to scare you. It’s because I truly believe that I wouldn’t have spent 6 months spontaneously crying on a New York City subway if someone had warned me; if others shared their experiences with me so I didn’t feel so alone; if I had any idea that it was OK to be a college graduate with no freaking clue what I was doing.

Because it is.

As much as college prepares us for careers in the real world, it doesn’t prepare us for real life. Feeling lost is ok. Feeling confused is ok. Not knowing what you want to do with your life is OK. All those feelings are completely normal and I promise you are not the only one feeling them.

The college-to-real-world transition is a difficult one. For everyone. You aren’t the only one totally stressed out about finding work, finding friends, or finding your place. You aren’t the only one doing a job you know you are overqualified for. You aren’t the only one wondering if you made a mistake when you chose your major in college. That is all completely normal.

Just breathe, take it one day at a time and, before you know it, you’ll be a fully functioning adult. I didn’t believe it would happen either, but here I am, dry eyed and happy. You will make it, and if you cry along the way, that’s totally OK.

Considering the fact that I’ve done nothing but sulk (with the occasional break for a anxiety panic attack over my future) since graduation, it’s relatively amazing that I was able to find time in my self despair to write this blog. Graduating college is worse than I ever imagined. Probably because I always imagined going straight from graduation to an awesome job with an awesome apartment in an awesome city. (Thank you, Lauren Conrad!)

Instead I’m sitting at home covered in hummus (I couldn’t find the pita chips so I’ve just been eating it straight) yelling at my sister to answer the damn phone. I can’t take that old-fashioned landline ringing.

My mother’s turned into a hovercraft and a social butterfly. She spends half her time leaving me alone on the couch to go out with friends (pray tell, when did she attain those?) and the other half asking me what would make me feel better. To which I answer, “Umm I would like you to build a time machine and transport me right back to the part of Freshman year where it stopped being awkward.” So far she has failed at this task. She has one more week to reach success before I give her the next “make me feel better task” of finding me a job.

My father (notice how much focus is on my parents…because I have no friends anymore), on the other hand, expects me to all of a sudden make adult decisions. One day he’s asking me to find new health insurance because I’m no longer covered and the next he’s reminding me how I’m financially independent now. Health Insurance? You might as well tell me to learn how to do quantum physics. I don’t know why he thinks my diploma gave me the skills to be able to care for myself and make life-altering decisions. It was accomplishment enough that I walked across the stage without tripping.

But I’m doing my best to ignore him. He would probably tell you I sleep 23 hours a day because everytime he talks to me I pretend to fall into a deep unwake-able sleep. Instead I constantly reload my Facebook and comb through graduation albums. I go through my friends in search of pictures to print out in black and white and hang poster-size in my room. I go through acquaintances to find people I know in the crowd and tag them. It’s always hilarious to tag only one person in a giant crowd. And this is how I plan to entertain myself for the rest of the summer.

Wow, this sucks.

Come back every Tuesday as we follow (and commiserate with) Jenni on her quest to navigate life after college.

[Photo courtesy of blstb.msn.com]

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And in the game of Bad Habits, you will always come out a loser. As I laid in a tanning bed, I thought about how this bad habit was going to affect me in the long run. Even though I love the immediate benefits of this vice (golden, sun-kissed skin!), I can’t help but worry about my future as a leather-skinned freak. Is the bronze skin of today worth the skin cancer of tomorrow? Let’s examine the dangerous games we play and weigh whether the consequences are worth the benefits:

Tanning

Why We Do It: I am addicted to the healthy glow I get from taking a 20 minute nap in my favorite tanning bed! I feel more relaxed, have less acne, and generally feel less self-conscious. When I’m feeling confident, I can stand up straighter, smile bigger, and show off my legs without feeling embarrassed. I feel like confidence enhances my life and I don’t want to go through my heyday without it.

Why We Shouldn’t: The reality is that, while I may feel cool and confident in my 20′s, I may be hitting up the dermatologist through my 30′s and beyond. If you expose yourself to tanning beds before age 35, your risk of developing melanoma increases 75%! Not only will I be spending my health insurance on removing cancerous or suspicious growths, I’ll be looking in a mirror at wrinkles and sagging skin. So, is the confident glow I see today going to be worth the leathery cancer-face in my future?

Drinking

Why We Do It: I may be of the non-drinking persuasion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see why others choose to do it. Alcohol loosens you up in social situations and relaxes you after a stressful week of classes. A rousing game of quarters can bring a group of people together and help you forget about that exam you may have bombed.

Why We Shouldn’t: Unfortunately, not too many college students know when to stop before getting out of control. Did you know that 31% of college students meet the criteria for a diagnosis of alcohol abuse? Each year, 1,700 students die from alcohol related causes and over 719,000 will suffer from consequences such as injury, assault, rape and unprotected sex. Drinking one too many is not only terrible for your health and safety, but what about those embarrassing pictures of you on Facebook that Jerkface refuses to take down?! When you decide to drink at a party, you may spend 3 hours enjoying yourself, but think ahead to what the consequences might be.

Smoking

Why We Do It: Nicotine creates that feel-good sensation, calming nerves in the way that adrenaline would during a terrifying public speech. After a long day of stressing out, girls reach for the cigs to chill and shake the anxiety. Some have even fallen for the myth that smoking will help you lose weight. Smoking is also considered a fun social activity that brings people together as they stand outside the smoke-free bar recounting what so-and-so just did with that blow up doll and a bottle of chocolate syrup.

Why We Shouldn’t: You may feel like that first puff is stripping away all your worries, but that’s just the endorphins talking. After that nicotine leaves your system an hour later, your problems will still be there except now you’ll have another one: poor health. And don’t think that smoking is a great alternative to getting a bod like Giselle! Once that nicotine raises your heart rate, blood pressure and labors your breathing, you won’t last two minutes on the treadmill. In fact, smoking will eventually increase your levels of bad cholesterol, damaging your arteries just like that Double-Double Burger you’ve been craving since Friday. Not to mention cancer, the stench, the expense and addiction!

Casual Sex

Why We Do It: Women have fought for centuries against the double standard and today is the first era that sexual freedom and expression has finally reached near equality. If we meet a hot guy, we can hook up and never have to call him back (especially if dude has some rank breath and a collection of anime porn mags). Some girls may sleep with a guy because they are horny, bored, lonely, drunk, like him, or want attention. A swift roll in the hay can make a girl feel empowered and desired.

Why We Shouldn’t: Aside from any moral repercussions, casual sex can reek havoc on your body and state of mind! One in four college women have an STD, but only 10% of them know it. Look around your classroom one day…several girls sitting around you will be afflicted with one of these diseases and not even know it! Makes you want to remind all your girlfriends about carrying condoms, doesn’t it? Not only can hooking up increase your chances of being a regular at the gynecologist, but it can depress you too! Having a heat-of-the-moment night may seem like a blast, but what happens if you really like the guy and he doesn’t call? Biologically, women are hardwired with oxytocin to create a bond after intercourse. If this bond is broken, it can make it harder for us to trust guys and still feel good about ourselves.

So many choices, so much to think about.

Are you able to weigh the benefits of your habit with its consequences? Have you found a successful method of changing your ways? Bottom line, do you think indulging in vices today is worth harming your future?

I don’t know about you gals, but there’s something about shopping that always puts me in a better mood when I’m down in the dumps.  This is especially true when I’m PMSing–buying myself new, pretty and sparkly things makes me feel so much better about myself (even if trying things on over my bloated ass does not).  Now there’s proof that there may actually be a biological reason for why shopping makes us so happy.

A new study says that women are more likely to go on a shopping spree about 10 days before their period, on which they actually tend to spend more than usual and are more inclined towards making impulse purchases. (Editor’s Note: that explains the Snuggie….) GREAT — as if we needed yet another way PMS ruins our lives.

The psychologists who conducted the survey had two theories as to why this is the case.  First, they believe that women shop right before getting their periods in order to counteract the negative emotions they feel during that time (like feeling stressed out or depressed). Um, duh!

The other theory is that since this is time in a woman’s cycle that she’s ovulating, women buy things to make themselves more attractive, such as makeup or high heels. Tru dat.

While it may be tempting to use the “But I had PMS!” excuse when explaining the credit card bills to mom and dad, resist the urge. The study also revealed that most purchases made during this time were followed by serious buyer’s remorse. Your best bet is to wait out the PMS in bed with a bucket of cookie dough instead of at the mall; an empty bank account (and a freaking Snuggie) is no way to beat those pre-menstrual blues.

That is when I found this.

The article discusses women of all ages and our constant comparisons to others, but it really struck me as something college girls deal with daily.

When I force myself to think about it, I realize that I am an accomplished girl. I go to a great university where I excel in my classes, I have great friends, a great family and plenty of awesome life experiences. But I don’t often think that way.

Instead, I am always comparing myself to the people around me. The friend who always gets better grades, the girl who always has the boyfriend, and every single girl who is thinner and prettier than I am.

I constantly find myself thinking that I should have a boyfriend by now, that I should have seen Europe by now, or that I should have done a lot more by this stage in my life than I have. No matter how well I do on an exam, I always think that I should have done better. No matter how good I look before I leave the house, the other girls at the bar look better.

We live in a society that is obsessed with both success and looking into the lives of others (hello, reality TV), which is the perfect combination for a mindset like mine. All of this makes me wonder if any of us will ever be satisfied with our personal accomplishments.

What do you think?

The Unnaturally Tan One

While I sat at home watching Full House marathons curled up under my brand-new Snuggie, this person sat on Caribbean beaches for the entire break. While my legs are streaked shades of orange from drugstore tanners, she is glowing with a tan that seems to defy her race. As if I wasn’t already feeling like Casper’s paler cousin, standing next to her makes me feel downright clinically albino.

The Reccesion-Proof One

This holiday season started with my parents interrupting all my wish-list ramblings with words like “recession,” and “depression.” My wants went from an iPhone to a few new Chap Sticks and a (store brand) chocolate bar. So it’s even more un-fun this year to watch this friend unpack all of her new things: an entirely new wardrobe that matches her Blackberry Storm that she can play with while watching her new flat screen. She’s offering to share her new boots and all I can give her in exchange is some relief for her chapped lips.

The Debbie Downer One

My break wasn’t very exciting but I don’t have any legitimate complaints. But she does. A simple, “how was your break” turns into a two-hour impromptu therapy session while she goes on and on about everything from her mom getting laid off to her dog getting hit by a car. While at first I can awkwardly pat her back and offer my condolences, it gets increasingly less easy as she talks about her Christmas tree burning down, the loss of her lucky penny, and her cat’s unhealthy addiction to alcohol.

The World Traveling One

I completely forgot he existed until he bumps into me in the student center and says “exscuzemoi.” Suddenly it all comes flashing back: he went abroad last spring and fell so in love with Europe that he hasn’t been home (the states, as he calls it) since. It’s almost impossible to recognize him with his new beret and European-ly tight pants. He orders a Cafe Americano and explains how hard it is to adjust back to the American lifestyle. Before I know it I’m sitting in Starbucks while he tells me the benefits of socialism and fat-free croissants.

The Tattooed One

I’m sharing stories from over break when she gets overly excited, giggles, and says she has a surprise for me. A million things run through my mind, but nothing prepares me for the 10 inch butterfly she tattooed on her back with the word “hope” written in the wings. I’m forced to look away and mumble, “it looks good, its deep.” She agrees of course. It is deep; the butterfly represents her future. And she is right, I am surprised. Surprised that she ever thought that was okay.

Did I miss anyone?