Wrong. All wrong. Wrong movie, wrong time, wrong situation. In all fairness, I kinda knew what was coming, having heard about the book well before the movie was even in the works. I didn’t like the idea of it then, but somehow between two weeks ago and last Friday, I decided that I needed to see the movie with the bestie as a girls’ night out scenario. Here’s why I advise that everyone without ironclad self-esteem skip the movie, at least until you can see it in the comfort of your home.

1. If you’re into escapism through upbeat movies, this is not the one for you. After two hours of ‘He Just Not That Into You’, not a single one of the main characters’ plot-lines even resembled positive. I was literally crawling out of my seat trying to salvage the remainder of a happy evening as commitments combusted, relationships crumbled, and ruthless reality checks conspired to sink the Girls’ Night. The only reason I made it through is because I had to see if the writers would actually throw the audience a bone and make a happy ending.

2. The movie is ruthless in its portrayal of female stereotypes. “He’s Just Not That Into You” isn’t just a depressing chick flick, it’s the anti-chick flick. Throughout the entire movie, I kept asking myself, “Do I actually do that? Am I that crazy?” The answer, according to “He’s Just Not That Into You,” is yes. We are all clingy, insane, insecure, naive, trusting idiots, who drive away our boyfriends and potential bfs by being like that. I don’t know about you, but movies that continuously reiterate that I’m completely psycho and clingy tend to turn me off at about the 60 minute mark.

3. Your faith in committed relationships will die a horrible death in the two hour and fifteen minute love massacre. After two hours of infidelity, dating disasters, and misguided love, there was not a girl in the theater who had faith in her relationship, or ability to secure one. Those of us who were single experienced what almost came off as anti-relationship propaganda (“If you do this, this, or this, your ovaries can kiss their chance at motherhood goodbye!”), and were left doubting every simple sentence we had ever spoken to the male gender. My friend, who has been in a committed relationship for the better part of a year and a half, had started to wonder if her boyfriend could have been cheating on her. The movie had a sinister talent for slipping insecurity into our minds, and then mocking us for being insecure.

4. There are better things to do on weeknights than going to a movie that strips down your character and makes fun of what it finds there. The movie seriously killed the happy, estrogen-filled mood of the evening, and left the two of us as quaking, emotional maniacs. I can honestly say that except for when I saw “Lord of the Rings” as a twelve year old, and was terrified by the Orcs, I have never wanted to leave a movie so fast (30 minutes in). Save your seven bucks for dollar pitchers downtown, not “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

5. The movie is more suitable as a look into Gender Studies than a romantic dramedy. I’ve had more laughs in my College Algebra class than this movie. If you do go, look at it as a gender wars type of thing, not something that will make you feel cheery and secure by the last minute happy ending. (It was a happy ending, it was just a too little-too late type of thing.) The movie is accurate in its portrayal of how men and women want different things out of life, and the plot turnaround towards the end was satisfying, but ultimately not enough to recover from the first two hours. It had the effect of a doctor suddenly giving you anaesthesia after your surgery already happened, with a “Look what I just found!” air.

I’m not sure which Allstate bigwig hired Debbie Downer as their ad executive, but whoever decided depressing people into buying insurance was a good idea should be punched in the eye.

Below are a few of the offending commercials we found on YouTube.  Not surprisingly, most of the worst ones did not show up.  This is probably because Allstate knows they’re being f*cktards.

The “If You Don’t Have Accident Forgiveness Your Car Is Most Likely Going To Smash Into A Police Cruiser” Allstate commercial

And finally, the worst one of them all, The “Don’t Ever Try To Be Happy Because Everything That Can Go Wrong Will Including Your Wedding Turning Into A FUNERAL” Allstate commercial