So not only does this weekend mark Mother’s Day (you’re welcome for the reminder – now go order yo mama some flowers!), but it’s also the Kentucky Derby. Not gonna lie, a very deep part of my soul wants to experience the Kentucky Derby in all its bluegrass, Mint Julep, and sweet horse sweat glory.

And, of course, I really want to wear a big ass hat.

I have this theory about Derby hats.  I mean, have you ever had a mint julep?  It’s like the old man’s version of a Long Island.  With that kind of sauce slipping down through your veins, you pretty much have to find a giant hat to cover your booze blush and wiggly buzzed eyes. And with that in mind, how many cocktails do you think these ridonkulous peeps tossed back? (On second thought, they might have had a few Juleps before they made the purchase….)

Giant. Ornate. Hats.

For realzies; Derby-style hats are the sh*t, for multiple reasons. For one, like all hats, they immediately cover a bad hair day. But, Derby hats are so huge and ostentatious, they can also distract from a host of other problems, such as a bad face day (don’t lie to yourself, you know you’ve had one).

That said, in addition to helping to conceal appearance issues, Derby hats are also good for drawing attention in a crowd, because, let’s face it, how often are people wearing hats with two foot brims covered in netting and ribbons and feathers and roses? They’re perfect for meeting friends in a crowded area or helping a blind date pick you out at a bar.

Also, Derby hats = insta-glamour. Whether paired with a frothy tulle ball gown or jeans and a tank top, Derby hats make a lady instantly look fabulously feminine and alluring. Don’t believe me? Watch an Audrey Hepburn movie and then try to tell me megahats aren’t the sh*t.

But the best thing about Derby hats, in my personal opinion, is that in this boring age of fashion functionality and cookie-cutter style, uber-feminine hats are freakin’ fun. Even the so-called “fashion forward” take clothes so seriously and buy the same high-waisted pants/secretary blouses/oversize cardigans/blah blah blah over and over again…let’s get some variety in here, damn it! It’s time to embrace our inner four (or eighty)-year-olds!

In short, I’m bringing back the Derby hat. I expect initial resistance from the general public (i.e. finger-pointing, snickering, maybe some drive-by eggings), but I am a fabulous enough person and it is a fabulous enough item that I’m confident it will eventually catch on.

And if it doesn’t? F**k it. Enjoy your bad face days, suckers.

[Photo courtesy of lovedagoat.net]