You’re welcome.

But what would you say if you actually did get to meet the guy in question? Would you collapse in disbelief?  Turn on the charm? Flirt his pants off?  Make a total fool of yourself?

Well, in the case of this week’s lusty lad–Andy Samberg–I actually did get to meet him. On my birthday, no less! It was freshman year and I had gone out to dinner with some friends downtown. We were about to board the subway back to campus when one of my girls started chatting up two guys standing next to us.

Being the super-suave freshman I was, I thought they were Fordham students I hadn’t met yet.  So I walked right up to the cuties and said, “Hey! Wanna come back to my room? It’s my birthday!” As soon as the words left my lips, I realized the guys were none other than Andy Samberg and Akiva Shaffer (2/3 of the comedy trio The Lonely Island, along Jorma Taccone), and they were both looking at me like I had asked them if they wanted to eat liver and onions. Also, they probably thought I was a huge slut.

“Uh, happy birthday, but we’re on our way home from work,” mumbled Andy. He smiled to show his kind (and oh so sexy) benevolence on mere mortals like myself.

“Oh, uhhh, I thought you might have been someone who went to my school. I really love your work on SNL,” I stammered. Luckily, a subway arrived at that moment and I dashed away, blushing madly from embarrassment and attraction.

So, for this week’s column, I would like to formally apologize to Andy, and explain to him what I would have said had I not been a clueless freshman:

Andy, you had me at “Chronic-WHAT-cles of Narnia.” I already bought your new CD, “Incredibad,” and I know all the words to “I’m on a Boat.” You have single-handedly saved SNL from the depths of un-funny with your hilarious and often-times erotic digital shorts – and what could be more effable than that? And how could I possibly resist you when you’re constantly jizzing in your pants, and offering me your dick in a box for Christmas?

It sounds like you’re in need of a serious eff, and there’s nothing I like more than a randy comedian.  How about we hit up Magnolia’s, mack on some cupcakes, and head back to your pad to eff?

Now that’s ka-blamo!

If you had fun on Halloween, just wait and see what the Festivous season has in store. Here are some ideas so you can throw your own rager for Christmahannukwanzakuh… or whatever you celebrate.

Tacky Christmas Party

Now’s the time to dig out the sweater you got last year from Aunt Millie – the one with real pom poms sewn on to represent snowflakes, with bedazzled reindeer flying across the front. If you don’t have your own tacky Christmas sweater, rummage through your mom’s closet or hit up the Salvation Army. These parties have been gaining quite the reputation over the last few years, with party goers trying to out-ugly each other. Decorate with lawn ornaments from the Clearance rack at K-Mart, and serve Malt Liqour to your guests. Who doesn’t love a white trash Christmas?

Hannukah Song Party

Who says you have to put your Halloween costume in the closet on November 1? Give your best celebrity costume another go by throwing a party where everyone goes as their favorite character from Adam Sandler’s “Hannukah Song.” Once everyone gets nicely buzzed, the phrase “OJ Simpson- not a Jew!” will echo through the halls, and “Put us together- what a fine lookin’ Jew” will be the pickup line of the night.

Gingerbread Tran Party

Cross-dressing meets Christmas. Need I say more? If you love Angel from Rent, this party will be right up your alley. Another fun evening? Rated X holiday baking. Who ever grows out of decorating pervy gingerbread men and women? Throw on an apron, grab a rainbow of frosting choices, and let your dirty little imagination run wild. Then hand out the tasty treats to everyone on your floor. See if your RA turns as red as Rudolph’s nose.

Naughty or Nice Party

Which list are you on this year? Think of this as the holiday version of a “Heaven and Hell” party. It’s a great excuse to wear your red bikini in December. Other costume party ideas? Dress up like your favorite Christmas song (and yes, Justin Timberlake’s D*ck in a Box counts) or your favorite holiday story character (Ralphie, anyone?).

Of course, with limited time, and in the midst of finals, you may opt to have a straight holiday party, where everyone can wear their normal clothes. That’s no reason to forego the holiday drinking games just because you don’t have time to plan something elaborate.

Play “Drinking Dradle,” where every side of the dradle is designated with a rule, e.g. “Drink one shot” or “Social.” Better yet, play it just over a week to put new meaning to the phrase “Eight Crazy Nights.”

Have a Liquor Grab Bag. Have everyone bring something potent and throw it into a box, still in the brown bag. After everyone’s chosen their “gift” for the night, you can be a Grinch, and make everyone take a swig without opening the bag to see what they’ve chosen, or you can play Tiny Tim and let your guests trade to promote some good old holiday cheer.

Still too busy to really get into the holiday spirit? Half-ass the party by making red and green jello shots or serving up some warm, wintry cocktails. The best part about a holiday party? You can splurge for an ice luge on the back porch, and it won’t melt until spring.

With SNL’s Digital Shorts the only reason people tune in these days, Andy Samberg can do no wrong when it comes to pushing our buttons and making us laugh.

That said, did you see “Iran So Far” yet?? If not, where the hell have you been? Holy crap, Fred Armisen’s dean-on impression of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is so strangely lovable, especially in that red dress. Samberg’s goofy grin and pseudo seriousness is…refreshing to say the least (ahem, Weekend Update…).

“Iran So Far” is definitely going viral (as much as “Dick in a Box”?) in a big way, but we here at College Candy are getting the ball rolling on causing another one of Samberg’s skits from Saturday night to make a splash on You Tube.

It’s like we wrote it ourselves!

Oh Andy, we love you.

Who watches The Emmy’s besides our parents?

Seriously, I haven’t watched them since I was in middle school and was obsessed Friends and only watched to see what kind of hairdo Rachel would have.

But this year, there’s much more buzz surrounding this awards show, for our generation at least, because JT and Andy Samburg have triumphantly won an Emmy for Dick In a Box – for Outstanding Original Music and Lyrics at this past Saturday’s Creative Arts Emmys (the untelevised version hosted by Carlos Mencia, who isn’t funny, at all).

If Justin’s slam against MTV right in front of the Hills ladies at the VMA’s wasn’t cool enough (I agree – PLAY MORE VIDEOS!) Justin and Andy have both agreed to not perform Dick in a Box on this Saturday’s Emmy Awards if they are forced to censor the song.

Apparently, the old people who run the show have no idea what to do, because the song is so gigantically popular, but they don’t want to piss off their general viewing public. JT is totally cool, right? Stick it to the man.

So, will the famous strategically-placed boxes make the cut? Find out on September 15th. I say, it’s gonna happen, and parents everywhere will be offended. But at least college kids will be watching and laughing their asses off!

Once again, here’s Dick in a Box, in all its uncensored glory:

The buzz tides are turning toward SNL hottie Andy Samberg. A smooth – talking Don Juan or babyfaced teen star he’s not, but Samberg’s got the goods.

Why? Because he’s funny!

And while my heart used to beat exclusively for Jimmy Fallon, I’m in the process of becoming a complete Sambergphile. Besides being hilarious, he’s also cute in a completely awkward way that makes you think he never gets with girls (although that is sadly untrue).

In short, he seems normal even when he’s quite the comic genius. He broke out with The Lonely Island, a collection of comic shorts that he and two friends wrote, starred, and produced in. You can see them all on YouTube.

Any guy that can get me to watch him on YouTube is worth the ultimate amount of consideration (I. Hate. YouTube. For many reasons, like: a) the videos always clot up my internet connection, b) the videos are often boring. c) the videos are often dumb. So, you see how my viewing of Samberg’s Lazy Sunday and Dick in a Box is quite major).

You get it. Check him out before he gets creepy, goes to rehab, or dates an STD.