It’s the start of a new school year and to honor that, we at CollegeCandy are bringing back a fan-favorite series, “We’ve All Been There.”  (We tried to get another national holiday/long weekend for you guys but it’s way harder than we thought so this will have to do.) Every week, Lauren – University of Michigan will comment on the common experiences all college women share – like the first day of classes or trying to figure out if that boy is crushin’ too. Read, relate, cringe and enjoy.

The boy you love just broke your heart, so your girlfriends decide that drinking is in order. Because nothing numbs the pain quite like a few shots of SoCo. Together with your roommates, you pick out a super hot outfit (consisting of some combination of low cut top/push up bra), take a few pre-gaming shots and head out the door to either “show him what he’s missing,” or “forget about that jerk.”

The night is perfect: you dance, you drink (a lot), and you even find a cute boy to flirt with in the corner.

Then, obvi, the relentless craving for breadsticks and marinara takes over and you and the girls head home for the Late Night Special from your favorite pizza place.

You make your way to your room to change before the food arrives and are suddenly reminded of just how depressed you are. Why doesn’t he love me? you ask yourself. What is wrong with me? Maybe if I just send him an email and tell him how I feel he will change his mind and want to be with me.

You sit down at your desk.

You turn on John Hiatt’s, “Have a Little Faith in Me,” or the “love songs” channel on Pandora.

You open your email, hoping deep down inside that he has already sent you one, that he realizes he made a big mistake, that he too is sitting at home crying to the soothing sounds of The Fray. That he still loves you.

He hasn’t.
Your heart sinks.

As the mascara stained tears streak your face and form a puddle on your desk, you start writing your own:

hi. i got drinks and i lovre you. i dont know why you hate meeeee. i lobve yoiu. i want to eat breadsticlks but im too sad czu i love you.

At this point the pizza has arrived and your roommates storm into your room, pizza box in hand, to find you weeping silently over your laptop as you type away. Snot is dripping from your nose and you wipe it with your bare arm just before it hits your upper lip. You don’t care. You just keep typing and crying and really connecting with the sad lyrics blaring out of your laptop speakers.

If you are lucky, your roommates get to you before you hit the send button. If you are not quite as lucky (or a really fast typer), it is only a matter of time until the email is opened and any shred of post break-up dignity is lost. But until then, there is pizza. And breadsticks. And unyielding drunken hope that he’s thinking the same things you just wrote, he was just too distraught to put them in an email yet.

A hope which inevitably dies the minute you wake up in the morning and realize what you’ve done.

Yeah, you’re not alone; we’ve all been there before. Many times.
Just be grateful at least you didn’t wake up with a full slice of pizza smashed between your keys and your screen.

“I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” is a controversial memoir by Tucker Max. If you read this website as religiously as I do, you know all about our feelings on this guy. If you are a newcomer and or live under a rock somewhere and have never heard of Max, here is his life:

Average guy.
Started a website.
Sleeps with women.
Posts his stories about the horrible things he does to said women.
Published this book and then turned it into a movie.
Guys laugh. Girls laugh.

Now, let me just say this as my disclaimer: I DO NOT AGREE WITH TUCKER MAX. I don’t think that any of the things that he does to women are right and, if they happened to me, I’m sure I would have some psychological damage. However, I have a hard time believing the truth in all of his stories (as 10% of a biography or memoir can be embellished). If you’ve read the book, you know the ridiculous things I’m talking about. And, yes, assuming that his stories are somehow exaggerated does make me feel a bit less guilty while laughing at them.

But, my point…

This book got me thinking (something I’m sure wasn’t on Max’s list of goals when writing it). In these stories Tucker does not force a woman to do any of the things they do; he simply suggests it. Obviously, some of these acts only happen because the women are beyond smashed, but really, I think Tucker inadvertently brings up a great point: why do we let men make fools of us?

The women Tucker writes about are so completely and utterly desperate that they will do WHATEVER he says. Example: After sleeping with an overweight girl, Tucker forces her to jump out of his apartment window. Yes, horrific. Beyond horrific. But THAT WOMAN AGREED. What would have happened if she had simply said, No? Probably nothing. She would have walked out the front door, Tucker’s roommates may have teased him, and I know for sure that story wouldn’t have made it into “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.”

Oh yeah – and this woman may still have a shred of dignity.

Because woman after woman has let Tucker get away with this stuff, he tries it on all of them. I’m sure there are some girls out there who have stood up and said no to this guy. But we don’t know about those women because their stories are never told. If all women that Tucker encountered said no, then he would have no career. He makes money off of women who have some crazy self-esteem issues so when a guy like Max comes around who shows ANY interest in them and he says “Jump!” they respond, “Out of that window?”

While Max’s book was meant to entertain (and entertain it did!), there is something to learn here. Stick up for yourself! Don’t put up with an abusive man (yes, verbal abuse and humiliation are still abuse). If a man tries to pull a Tucker Max, tell him where to shove it instead. You teach people how to teach you; respect yourself, know your self-worth and I promise you, you will end up with a partner who treats you like a princess.

So, I would like to thank Tucker Max for “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” and for teaching us all a lesson about respecting ourselves. Hell, it may even be worth picking up a copy and arming yourself against the kind of scummy guys in this world. But, just know that all men are not jerks and a good one will NEVER be ashamed of you.

Or humiliate you for a few bucks and a movie deal.

[It doesn’t matter what school you go to, what state it is in, how big it is, whether it is public or private, all girls or coed…there are experiences that all college students share. No matter how crazy you think your personal situation is, it is not just you.

So, let’s bring it all out in the open. Right here. Because you are not alone - we’ve all been there before.]

The Drunk Email:

The boy you love just broke your heart, so your girlfriends decide that drinking is in order. Because nothing numbs the pain quite like a few shots of SoCo. Together with your roommates, you pick out a super hot outfit (consisting of some combination of low cut top/push up bra), take a few pre-gaming shots and head out the door to either “show him what he’s missing,” or “forget about that prick.”

The night is perfect: you dance, you drink (a lot), and you even find a cute boy to flirt with in the corner.

Then, obvi, the relentless craving for breadsticks and marinara takes over and you and the girls head home for the Late Night Special from your favorite pizza place.

You make your way to your room to change before the food arrives and are suddenly reminded of just how depressed you are. Why doesn’t he love me? you ask yourself. What is wrong with me? Maybe if I just send him an email and tell him how I feel he will change his mind and want to be with me.

You sit down at your desk.

You turn on John Hiatt’s, “Have a Little Faith in Me,” or one of the emo O.C. Soundtracks.

You open your email, hoping deep down inside that he has already sent you one. He hasn’t. You begin to write your own:

i dont know why you hate meeeee. i lobve yoiu. i want to eat breadsticlks but im too sad czu i love you.

At this point the pizza has arrived and your roommates storm into your room, pizza box in hand, to find you weeping silently over your laptop as you type away. Snot is dripping from your nose and you wipe it with your bare arm. You keep typing and crying and really connecting with the sad lyrics blaring out of your iPod speakers.

If you are lucky, your roommates get to you before you hit the send button. If you are not lucky, it is only a few hours until the email is opened and your dignity is lost. And pizza sauce gets all over your keyboard. And more SoCo shots are in order.

We’ve all been there, honey. Thank God Google is working to prevent this in the future.

Come back next week for more moments of misery that we can all share. Like all those times you promised and swore to God that you would never. drink. again.

The perfect poolside addition to a summer afternoon

Coupon Clipping: not just for groceries anymore.

You mean it does more than make me lose my inhibitions, dinner and dignity?

If Gossip Girl gets canceled my life will be over.

Two more reasons to love Bret and Jemaine.

Do you think Lassie wore condoms?

Just grin and bear it, Tony.  …Or Poppa Joe will find a way to hunt you down.

5 Superhero movie scenes NOT coming to a theater near you.

Bootleg moonshine, courtesy of the Tufts class of 2012 (way to prioritize, guys!)

This is a sad story. It begins, as most of my stories do, with me spilling coffee all over myself. I ducked into the nearest clothing store to pick up a cheap new shirt, and found myself staring at a lime-green, rhinestone-encrusted t-shirt reading “My Boyfriend Is Cuter Than Yours.” Next to it, a similar horror, this one reading “I May Be A Flirt, But My Boyfriend Likes It.” Above it, “I’m A Diva! Just Ask My Boyfriend!” Literally every single shirt on that wall featured the word “Boyfriend.” It was a perfect storm of condescending t-shirt copy. But it opened my eyes a bit.

For girls, having a relationship is not just a fun bonus – it’s practically a requirement. We’re told from birth that it is our job to make people desire us. Being single, in this light, is a violation of the Lord’s almighty commandment to girls: Thou Shalt Committedly Bone. When you break up, there are precious few resources to support your decision.

The fact is, you don’t have to be in a relationship just to be there. And, when a relationship passes, you don’t have to stop having fun. It’s just that being miserable is really easy. I have been guilty, many a time, of taking this stuff too seriously. Having salvaged just enough from these wrecks to learn something, I hereby pass down to you the cardinal sins of the heartbroken. It may not be much – but avoiding these things will, at least, allow you to emerge into your fun new single life without sacrificing your dignity.

1. SEEING HIS/HER FRIENDS

Note the word choice. HIS friends. HER friends. YOUR friends, on the other hand, are perfectly safe. They love you, they want you to be happy, and they will take your secrets to the grave – and that “secrets to the grave” part is going to really come in handy now, because for the next few days you are going to be an embarrassment. Things are going to go down that your ex should never, ever hear about, and mutual friends must be excluded from the proceedings.

Take note: you are perfectly entitled to be ridiculous for at least one week. Personally, whenever I break up with someone, I like to invite a few of my closest friends to a drinking establishment to view a little performance art piece entitled I May Never Have Sex Again / Wow, This Bar Has Hard Floors. This piece has evolved over the years, from its early, minimal stagings (in which I huddled up on my dorm bed, whimpering “but whyyyyyy doesn’t he like meeeeeee?”), to a fuller and more complex work.

To be sure, it still centers around him not liking me (which, by the way: whyyyyyyyyyyy?), but also includes a meditation on the importance of Pat Benatar, a brief rendition of “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” a question-and-answer period focusing on the topic of whether that guy over there is hot, and, if so, whether he would do me, and a discourse on why Manhattans are TOTALLY the BEST DRINK EVER, DUDE, culminating with the inevitable realization that, yes, this bar does have hard floors, and the bar stools are surprisingly unsteady.

This is not appropriate behavior. Sobbing, chain-smoking, refusing to sleep, going without food: these are not appropriate behaviors. These are awful, disgraceful, unseemly behaviors, which also happen to be perfectly natural. Your friends will have your back here, on the condition that you get your act together eventually. Which leads us to…

2. DRINKING

You know what fixes all your feelings? Drinking! Yes, that’s right – you don’t have to be sad a minute longer, because excessive alcohol consumption will solve all your problems!

NO. NO IT WILL NOT. I just lied to you.

All right: this is the part of the article where I talk about Feeling Your Feelings. You’re going to be sad, because your circumstances are sad, and you are a human who experiences sadness. But during the whole “sad” thing, you are supposed to focus on things like healing and self-awareness and learning what you need to be happy. (No, not your ex. Your ex is a douche. I know this stuff. I have fact-checkers.) You are not supposed to be focusing on exciting new hangover-creating technology. Nor should you focus on providing free entertainment for the community via displays of drunken incompetence.

Speaking of which: incompetence. Drunk people make bad decisions. Remember your ex? The douche? Your ex was a bad decision. You really don’t need to make any more of those.

3. MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM PEOPLE

Yeah. See? A bad decision. Caused, in many cases, by drinking. Sadly, some people don’t even have that excuse. To be honest, the idea of rebound hook-ups is seductive – sex can remind you that you’re attractive, available, alive, etcetera.

Also, it fixes nothing.

When you’re over something, you know it. And you don’t do silly things like sticking your tongue into somebody else’s mouth to forget about a person if you’re over them. If your ex (douche!) is still on your mind when you are moving in for the kiss, you must stop immediately. You’re either scanning the field for a replacement, in which case you’re needy, or you’re looking for a distraction, in which case you’re emotionally unavailable.

In either case, you are no fun. No fun for the person you’re with, who will not be entertained by your amazing technicolor bullshit, and no fun for yourself – the idiot who’s being haunted by the Ghost of Douchemas Past when she should be focusing on the human being in front of her.

That said, if you meet someone cute, and you honestly find yourself responding to that person’s cuteness, rather than the fact that he or she has a pulse and a nearby apartment, then go for it. But before you do anything tragic, try to ascertain whether he or she has a) a girlfriend, b) a criminal record, or c) syphilis. If your intended answers yes to any of these questions, it’s time to call it a night.

THE STIRRING CONCLUSION

As I look back over this article, I notice that it is long, complicated, and full of pain – so, basically, it’s just like a relationship. Here’s the good news: now that it’s over, you can go on to other, better articles. Or you can go outside for a walk. Or hang out with your roommate. Or learn the mandolin. Really, there’s no limit to what you can do when this article ends. It’s a chance to start over. Just remember: I’ll always be grateful for the good times we had.

Also, I want my CDs back.

Sometimes you just have to admit that you like something without using the words guilty pleasure, and that’s what Hilary Duff and her song “Stranger” is for us at CC. Check out the video and get it here!

So, the last thing you have time to do is pick out a cute little outfit to wear to class. I know, I understand.

But think about it this way…your pajamas are ugly.

Huge cotton pants with Care Bears all over them are cute when you’re watching TV at 10 PM…not so cute when you’re fetching coffee at 10 AM.

And as the day goes on pajamas scream “I didn’t take a shower today!” louder and louder until it’s 3 PM and (one would hope) you feel utterly silly.

So, I’m taking the time to beg all of you: Don’t wear pajamas to class! Unfortunately, this PJ trend is picking up a bit of steam and while I’m no fashion guru, I am so disappointed!

How difficult is it to throw on some jeans an a t-shirt? Put on an old hoodie!

Geez, I’d even allow UGGS if it meant you didn’t wear slippers. I mean, even those are picking up steam as totally trendy!

Dignity is something to be valued…and if it’s one of those days where you feel the urge to wear PJ’s to class, you’re going to need all the dignity you can get.

It was tough, but I made it through the last two days of reality television to provide you, the reader, with some of the highlights of the best television from the weekend. It was difficult, but I swear that a six pack of Corona makes it really entertaining.

Ok, I’m lying I find it completely entertaining without drinking…maybe.

The Hills

The Hills has really impressed me this season. Somehow Lauren Conrad has wormed her way into America’s hearts and suddenly I find myself just rooting for the girl. Last night, though was really spectacular and I found myself wanting to jump through the TV and punch Spencer in the face.

Jason has returned from his little stint in rehab and reconnects with Lauren. We are all a little skeptical of his return but he seems sort of genuine in that Jason way that he wants to be friends with Lauren. She is hesitant as well but is doing the good ex-girlfriend thing and being there for him. They go to dinner and who do they see at the restaurant but Heidi and Spencer.

I have no doubt that MTV whispered sweet nothings about the restaurant in both of their ears, but still it was AMAZING to watch.

Heidi’s head is stuck so far up her ass that she tells Elodie she has no idea what she could have possibly done to offend Lauren, and even goes so far as to say that she was genuine in sending over drinks to the exes the night before. To my great pleasure, Elodie shoots Heidi right down explaining to her that she really is not so innocent. Heidi looks utterly horrified.

And why does Spencer always look completely coked up? Oh yeah, because he probably is.

Rock of Love

Lacey got kicked off! Yay! Let’s dance!

The show began when Bret brought the remaining three girls parents into the house and riot ensued. Jes remained the only girl with any amount of dignity (why she is on this show is still beyond me). Her parents were very relaxed and seemed remarkably ok with the whole situation.

Heather’s parents were a little trashy, but did this surprise anyone? She rides a bull in front of her parents and Bret Micheals gets a hard on.

Lacey’s parents seemed super uptight and uncomfortable with the entire situation. Her dad kind of looks like a child molester, and I’m not gonna lie, they seemed like they had a very close father-daughter relationship. I think Dad was a little bit jealous of Bret and as such confronted him on what he had to offer his lovely Lacey.

Heather gets wicked drunk, and starts cursing Lacey out in front everyone.

Again my friends, amazing television. She starts screaming about the profane things Lacey has done and in classic Lacey style, she attempts to play it cool like Heather is the crazy one.

Finally in the end, Bret just can’t trust Lacey as hot as she might be. In her post-boot interview, she is “just in shock,” and “is unable to express any emotion.” She was able to express emotion before?

The Fashionista Diaries

I missed it last week, so I too was playing catch up. Basically after Jane magazine folded the show focused on Rachel and Andrew trying to get jobs, and they end up at CosmoGIRL! It’s pretty amusing to watch Andrew run around at a teen magazine when he is trying to be all professional and work his way into the design world. Rachel just wants clips, and I can respect that, but she gets distracted at a photo shoot full of attractive men.

Bridget was annoying. That is all.

Laurie is starting to be very likable, and apparently is dressing better or at least to Mandie Erickson’s liking because she didn’t get fired. The Seventh House partner was of course the meanest lady on fashion avenue and WENT OFF on how Laurie’s Gucci mules were so 10 years ago, and vintage may be cool sometimes, but those just needed to stay in the closet.

Yup, this woman is the devil. The thing is she doesn’t even look that put together, or well dressed. So I get very confused. Someone please explain.

Probably the most horrifying part of the entire episode was the appearance of ghost-esque editor in chief of Social Life Magazine, Devorah Rose. She quite seriously explained to Laurie that the “New York Diet” is just being anorexic and a workaholic.

Guess I’m never getting a job at Social Life. Damn.

Back in my freshman days of college, me and my best friend would get a bottle of cheap wine, lock ourselves in her dorm room, play endless snippets of Dane’s authentic stuff and giggle obnoxiously until we went out to the parties, quoting the entire thing.

The Burger King bit was our personal fave. That was good stuff!

But then, every college student and their mother caught on to Dane, he sold out, started making crap movies with crap “actresses”, and, suddenly, his comedy isn’t so funny anymore. Pretty ironic that a guy who once made college students laugh so hard is now being laughed at by college students.

It gets worse. MUCH WORSE. Dane is now trying his Superfingered-hand at bad emo music. Yep. He just released a sh*t-tastic song that everyone is pointing and laughing at him over, called “Forward” and you can listen to it here.

Check out the sick guitar solo, amazing backup vocals and thought-provoking lyrics, such as:

“Pushing from within, everything’s not fine. Tonight I’m gonna take back what’s mine.”

How about taking back your dignity, Dane. How about taking back your dignity.