God I’m tired. Watching two hours of The Biggest Loser followed by two hours of American Idol can really take a lot out of a girl. Especially when that girl hadn’t even cracked a book before that reality TV sh*tshow began. And when that girl had about 200 pages of reading to get done after that marathon ended.

If the Starbucks guy could feed me that Americano through a vein in my arm, we’d be golden.

But until I find a barista with an affinity to intravenous caffeine use, I am just going to have to find something else to get my brain moving on this not-so-fine Hump Day. Like a fun round of “Would You Rather?” Last week we dreamed of a world of haute couture; this week we’ve got something a bit more cringe-worthy to ponder.

So think long and hard – really, really think about this one, peeps – and choose your answer. Then, if you dare, tell us why you made that difficult choice in the comments section below.

Here goes:

Would you rather have to go to the hospital still “connected” to your guy because you somehow got stuck together OR have to go to the hospital because using a carrot as a pleasure stick wasn’t such a great idea?

Things to consider: the call for help; explaining your situation to the doctors, nurses and your parents; wasting food when there are starving children in Africa.

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the ultimate cure for a hangover! – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I don’t really know how to ask this so I’ll just get right to it. I’m still a virgin and I’m the only one left in my group. All my girl friends lost their virginity this year and have been telling me how much it hurt. Now I’m scared! Is it really that bad? And is there anything I can do to….prepare? Or should I just buy some cats now and grow old as a single, virgin spinster?

I’m really freaking out here.

A: Ok, hold up. It is definitely not time to start hoarding cats. Unless you really like cats, in which case, stock up! But don’t throw in the towel on sex just yet. Every woman is different when it comes to what your first time feels like. If you’ve been wearing tampons, riding horses, and straddling balance beams in gymnastics, your hymen may already be broken, so it might hurt less. On the flip side, if you’re very tiny and trying to insert a junior sized tampons sends you through the roof, you might face some serious discomfort.

But even if you are in the latter group, there are things you can do, especially if you’re in a relationship and can anticipate when it will happen (which offers your best shot at a good experience, in my opinion. Losing your virginity to a beer-sloshed one-night stand who can’t remember your name doesn’t bode well for gentle, compassionate connection between you and your partner. But then, you know that.). Read More »

We’ve heard it all our lives: diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

While I agree that diamonds are fun and sparkly and pretty, most of them can’t give you an orgasm (unless that rock is HUGE). And I think every girl’s best friend should be able to do that. Therefore, I’m going to disagree with Ms. Monroe on this one and argue that my vibrator is my best friend, and is probably the best friend any of us could hope for.

Not gonna lie, I’ve always been a big fan of masturbation. I’ve been doing it since I was fairly young, and have always believed that it’s a healthy thing to do.

I spent most of my formative years manually stimulating myself, but counted down the days until I turned 18 and was finally able to buy my first vibrator. (What? It’s healthier than counting down to buying cancer sticks!) Once my long-awaited birthday finally arrived, though, I realized that I had no idea what to look for. There were hundreds of different kinds – waterproof, G-spot, realistic, dildo, vibrator, with testicles (who really wants that?), ones that you can stick to the wall, and the list goes on.

I had always prided myself with being fairly knowledgeable about all things sex (which I accredit mostly from watching Talk Sex with Sue religiously since 6^th grade), but sorting through the oodles of synthetic phalluses to find something that would make me scream like a banshee seemed somewhat daunting. Read More »

Here’s the thing: It ain’t easy being a broke college intern in New York City. So when my girlfriend Jenny’s sublet flaked out on her via email mere hours before she arrived in Manhattan for a summer internship, she threw herself back into Craigslist with a vengeance, scouring the site for affordable housing.

Naturally, when a $650 East Village sublet came up, two pairs of misshapen eyebrows raised in suspicion. (That would be hers and mine.) After all, I’m paying $900 for a room just a couple blocks away that’s smaller than my mother’s closet back in California — and already I considered that a steal.

The listing warned that there was a situation a potential subletter would have to be open-minded about. And open-minded we are; everyone knows that there’s always a catch when it comes to apartments in New York. You know, like, “I don’t have windows or a microwave,” or “there is no A/C and it’s hot as balls here in the summer.”

Turns out this was the catch: “We would like to maintain access to the bedroom in question. We lead an ‘alternative’ lifestyle and use the room to host gatherings and have photo/video shoots.” Read More »

Got a question for the Tuffster? Email her at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com to be featured in her weekly column! ASK ASK ASK!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Continuing your theme of lists from last week– what are the different kinds of sex toys?

Thanks!!

BunnyRabbit Read More »

You would think the word of the day would be more appropriate for the kids playing. Or at least worth more points. What’s next: FUPA?

WTF, Hasbro?!

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

Excited, rushing conversation, behind a closed door:

“And then this guy… he just, like, whipped out a trombone! And then some other guy just pulled out a harmonica! And then… and then someone had to do his laundry!”

A girl, holding up a bottle of vodka: “It’s my dildo! The best kind – the kind that has alcohol in it.”

Two girls arguing at a party:

“I’m gonna punch your cock off!”

“I don’t have a cock!”

“I wish you did – so I could punch it off!”

A dude walks into an apartment, carrying a keg.

“Wait,” asks another guy. “Is that, like, for drinking?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna bathe in it, first. Hey, is that pizza? Maybe I’ll rub that all over my body while I’m at it.”

A girl at the library, in the stacks, as loudly as possible: “Listen. So then I talked to my doctor, and then my gynecologist, and he put me on birth control – but he says I still need to use condoms when I’m f***ing my boyfriend, because I might get syphilis! I know, right?” Read More »

I love Barack Obama. LOVE him. I love his policies, I love his speeches and I love the way he looks in a bathing suit. If Michelle hadn’t already nabbed that guy, I would definitely take him home for myself. And, yes, he may have made it into one (or many) of my “do me on the desk in the Oval Office” fantasies.

And now I can live out my fantasies….sorta. Read More »

Christina Aguilera looks completely different

David Duchovny (somehow?) conquers his sex addiction

Random: Japanese helper monkeys

Johnny Depp does the pirate act for $56 mil (repeat: $56 million)

Nailin Paylin

Punch Michael Lohan for charity!

Vintage hotness: James Dean

Holly really did break up with Puffin — er, Hef

John McCain encourages idiots

The slinky song…for adults

Amy Winehouse wouldn’t mind dying

Mila Kunis is everywhere

Hollywood needs those bitchy critics

Magic Frame: ‘Take On Me’ explained (hilariously)

The most stylish family EVAH

Picture this: being able to control your partner’s sex toy during a steamy cyber hook-up when you’re a mile, or 3,000, away.

HighJoy.com and Sinulator.com made it happen. These sites not only offer sex toys to peak your pleasure principle, they now make it possible to connect these toys to your computer so that with the touch of a button, you can control your partner’s sex toy o’choice and send them into pleasure heaven. And vice versa.

Sinulator.com offers a package of all the software necessary as well as the ever popular “rabbit” vibrator for a mere $139.95. Simply install the software, name your toy, and you are on your way!

HighJoy.com offers similar packages.

As if this isn’t awesome enough, the remote can not only connect to your computer, it can hook to your palm pilot.

This is a godsend for long-distance relationships…and really horny people.