God I’m tired. Watching two hours of The Biggest Loser followed by two hours of American Idol can really take a lot out of a girl. Especially when that girl hadn’t even cracked a book before that reality TV sh*tshow began. And when that girl had about 200 pages of reading to get done after that marathon ended.

If the Starbucks guy could feed me that Americano through a vein in my arm, we’d be golden.

But until I find a barista with an affinity to intravenous caffeine use, I am just going to have to find something else to get my brain moving on this not-so-fine Hump Day. Like a fun round of “Would You Rather?” Last week we dreamed of a world of haute couture; this week we’ve got something a bit more cringe-worthy to ponder.

So think long and hard – really, really think about this one, peeps – and choose your answer. Then, if you dare, tell us why you made that difficult choice in the comments section below.

Here goes:

Would you rather have to go to the hospital still “connected” to your guy because you somehow got stuck together OR have to go to the hospital because using a carrot as a pleasure stick wasn’t such a great idea?

Things to consider: the call for help; explaining your situation to the doctors, nurses and your parents; wasting food when there are starving children in Africa.

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the ultimate cure for a hangover! – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I don’t really know how to ask this so I’ll just get right to it. I’m still a virgin and I’m the only one left in my group. All my girl friends lost their virginity this year and have been telling me how much it hurt. Now I’m scared! Is it really that bad? And is there anything I can do to….prepare? Or should I just buy some cats now and grow old as a single, virgin spinster?

I’m really freaking out here.

A: Ok, hold up. It is definitely not time to start hoarding cats. Unless you really like cats, in which case, stock up! But don’t throw in the towel on sex just yet. Every woman is different when it comes to what your first time feels like. If you’ve been wearing tampons, riding horses, and straddling balance beams in gymnastics, your hymen may already be broken, so it might hurt less. On the flip side, if you’re very tiny and trying to insert a junior sized tampons sends you through the roof, you might face some serious discomfort.

But even if you are in the latter group, there are things you can do, especially if you’re in a relationship and can anticipate when it will happen (which offers your best shot at a good experience, in my opinion. Losing your virginity to a beer-sloshed one-night stand who can’t remember your name doesn’t bode well for gentle, compassionate connection between you and your partner. But then, you know that.).

My patient Adrianna had so much pain just from foreplay that she avoided sex until she was twenty-nine. (Every Christmas she would send me a card with the Virgin Mary on it and sign it “Love, the Virgin.”)  Always in serious relationships, she would put it off until that inevitable moment when she knew she would either have to lose her virginity or break up with the guy. Every year, when she reached that fork in the road, she broke some poor guy’s heart, rather than ‘fessing up to her fears.

Then she met Ed, and he swept her off her feet.  After he proposed, she approached me, begging me to help her give it all up to Ed.  Here’s what I told her to do:

How To Lose Your Virginity As Painlessly as Possible

1. Purchase a good sexual lubricant like Astroglide or K-Y Jelly.

2. Begin to prepare weeks, even months in advance. (Note: preparation also includes getting comfortable and intimate with your own body!)  The vagina is an elastic organ designed to fit a baby through it.  Your virginal vagina may not like being stretched by an erect penis, but it’s willing to negotiate. Begin by starting to dilate the vagina with the smallest thing you can insert into your vagina comfortably – a pinkie finger, a junior sized tampon, or a thumb. Lube it up and gently insert it inside the vagina.

3.  Notice the muscles that surround your vagina. Are they tense or relaxed? Does the object or finger slide easily into the vagina, or does it hurt? Make a conscious effort to release the tension from those muscles. Hold the object in for 10 minutes.

4. If that doesn’t hurt at all, try gradually increasing the size of what you insert into your vagina- a super-plus sized tampon, two fingers, or a small dildo. Repeat the exercise with the larger object until you find something that begins to stretch you and feel uncomfortable. When you reach that point, hold the object still for 10 minutes, and repeat this every day until it no longer hurts. (Don’t forget the lube, which is key). You may bleed during some of these exercises, which is nothing to worry about, as long as the bleeding is slight.

5. When you notice that it no longer hurts to insert that object inside, go bigger. Keep increasing the size of what you place into the vagina until you can accommodate a dildo that mimics the size of your partner’s penis.

6. Once you can keep the dildo in place for 10 minutes without pain, try moving it in and out of you, mimicking what your partner would do during intercourse. Go slowly, and make sure you have control of how the dildo moves. Feel free to play around with other types of sexual stimulation or other sex toys during this process. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun! Feel free to invite your partner in for the party, if you feel comfortable. If not, make it a private affair until you’re ready for the big night.

7. When you can do this without pain, you’re ready for the main event. Encourage your partner to have fun with foreplay. The more aroused you feel, the less likely it is to hurt.

8. Spend a moment taking deep, relaxing breaths. Concentrate on relaxing the muscles around the vagina to make way for your lover to enter you. Visualize your vagina as a flower gently opening to receive the love you share with your partner.

9. When you’re ready, lube up and try a woman-on-top position, which gives you more control over the depth of penetration and the speed of the thrusting. Take it slow. Listen to your body. Warn your partner that you may not be able to finish the job. If need be, you can ask him to stop and take care of him in other ways, if you know what I mean.

Remember: practice makes perfect. It gets better with time – I swear. If your first time isn’t glorious, don’t be discouraged. My first time was God-awful, but in time, our bodies learn what to do and you’ll be making beautiful music in the sack before you know it.

Hope it helps!

Wishing you a gentle, safe, loving, nurturing cherry-pop,

Dr. Lissa

We’ve heard it all our lives: diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

While I agree that diamonds are fun and sparkly and pretty, most of them can’t give you an orgasm (unless that rock is HUGE). And I think every girl’s best friend should be able to do that. Therefore, I’m going to disagree with Ms. Monroe on this one and argue that my vibrator is my best friend, and is probably the best friend any of us could hope for.

Not gonna lie, I’ve always been a big fan of masturbation. I’ve been doing it since I was fairly young, and have always believed that it’s a healthy thing to do.

I spent most of my formative years manually stimulating myself, but counted down the days until I turned 18 and was finally able to buy my first vibrator. (What? It’s healthier than counting down to buying cancer sticks!) Once my long-awaited birthday finally arrived, though, I realized that I had no idea what to look for. There were hundreds of different kinds – waterproof, G-spot, realistic, dildo, vibrator, with testicles (who really wants that?), ones that you can stick to the wall, and the list goes on.

I had always prided myself with being fairly knowledgeable about all things sex (which I accredit mostly from watching Talk Sex with Sue religiously since 6^th grade), but sorting through the oodles of synthetic phalluses to find something that would make me scream like a banshee seemed somewhat daunting.

And my first trip to the sex shop didn’t help.

Standing there, surrounded by rubber (or silicone or latex or glass) dongs, made me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially considering I was there with a friend and her super liberal mom.  I started poking around (no pun intended) the goodies awkwardly.  After passing things like this, I realized that people came in here for much kinkier things than I did and instantly became much more comfortable. Twenty minutes later, I found my perfect toy (good size but not ridiculously large, curved in all the right places, and had 10 speeds) and left there a happy little lady.

I’ve since been to a few sex shops, mostly just to look (although, I did pick up a few more toys here and there) and while I don’t think I am in any way a pro, I do feel I have collected a few tips that some ladies might find helpful when purchasing their first sex toy.

Which, I can’t say enough, is something every. single. woman. must do.

Look online first. Checking out sites like this will help you get a better idea of what’s out there and what to look for. I found that being able to browse the penis catalogue online made me feel much more comfortable than being shocked at the freaky shiz I was going to find in the store.

Become familiar with the different types. As I mentioned before, there are many, many, many types of sex toys. What you want to buy is all about how you plan on using it. Solo? You may be looking for a vibrator or dildo. Using it with a partner? You may be looking for something more like a pocket-rocket or other toys for two. Assess your personal situation so you aren’t overwhelmed when it’s finally time to buy.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You should never be ashamed to ask questions. After all, if someone is working in a sex shop, chances are, they’ve heard freakier questions before. Plus, they want to help you, so suck it up and get some guidance. They know their stuff and can help you find the perfect toy for your needs.

Have Fun! While going into an adult shop for the first time can be a little nerve wracking, just remember to have fun. There is nothing the people in those stores haven’t seen, so there’s no need to feel self-conscious about your purchase. Bring a close friend or your partner with you if that will ease your nerves, and remember that it’s okay to laugh at the 2 foot long dong hanging in the corner. It’s also OK to buy one…

Here’s the thing: It ain’t easy being a broke college intern in New York City. So when my girlfriend Jenny’s sublet flaked out on her via email mere hours before she arrived in Manhattan for a summer internship, she threw herself back into Craigslist with a vengeance, scouring the site for affordable housing.

Naturally, when a $650 East Village sublet came up, two pairs of misshapen eyebrows raised in suspicion. (That would be hers and mine.) After all, I’m paying $900 for a room just a couple blocks away that’s smaller than my mother’s closet back in California — and already I considered that a steal.

The listing warned that there was a situation a potential subletter would have to be open-minded about. And open-minded we are; everyone knows that there’s always a catch when it comes to apartments in New York. You know, like, “I don’t have windows or a microwave,” or “there is no A/C and it’s hot as balls here in the summer.”

Turns out this was the catch: “We would like to maintain access to the bedroom in question. We lead an ‘alternative’ lifestyle and use the room to host gatherings and have photo/video shoots.”

Umm. That should have been warning enough, but a desperation for cheap housing is, when it comes down to it, a desperation for cheap housing. Off we went to check it out.

When we arrive to the building, Jenny calls Ryan, Man Behind the Craigslist Ad, who ignores several calls before finally picking up.

“Hello?”
“Hi, it’s Jenny here to look at your apartment?”
“Uh. Give me five minutes to clean up.”

We loiter outside on the curb, inspecting the menu to a Korean restaurant six minutes past awkward.

Finally, Ryan buzzes us up without much instruction.

After walking up several flights, we enter the apartment, which is outfitted in Asian décor – scroll paintings, Japanese room dividers and the works. It’s the stuff great (and by great I mean terrible) porno scenes are made of, down to the scented candles, ceiling mirrors, and deep red satin sheets.

I look down at the coffee table and experience a natural knee-jerk reaction to the collection of playthings neatly lined up on the coffee table. These are not your little brother’s toys: gags, nipple clamps, and some dangerous-looking contraptions I’d no way in hell put near my naked body. Thought the man was cleaning up?!

Ryan hastily grabs a huge black dildo and shoves it into the closest drawer, as if of all things, its presence might offend us.

“We’re just having a business meeting in here,” he gestures, as we open the door to two Japanese girls sitting in a midst of bongs and vodka bottles.  Next he tries to show us his web site, offering up graphically matching business cards to boot.

Despite attempting to casually avert our eyes, we learn that “penetration, whether vaginal, anal, or oral, is illegal and strictly forbidden.” However, “orgasmic release may be brought about in session.” Well, that makes everything better.

After that unnecessarily detailed exposé into his personal and professional life, we leave the place hastily, brutally scarred and determined to do serious background checks on any and all Craigslist aficionados, while chalking it all up to just another “only in New York” story.

One thing’s for sure: Jenny will not be living in a bedroom that doubles as an “intimate dungeon space” in which someone else’s “most innermost desires” are satisfied this summer. If that in itself weren’t traumatic enough, the fact that there’d be videographic evidence of strangers exploring their sexual fantasies in the comfort of her potential silky sheets floating around cyberspace pretty much sealed the deal.

It goes without saying that Ryan received a cursory email rejecting his er, generous, housing offer. Not to be deterred, he countered with: “Coffee?”

…

Let’s hear them, people. What’s your craziest Craigslist experience?

Got a question for the Tuffster? Email her at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com to be featured in her weekly column! ASK ASK ASK!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Continuing your theme of lists from last week– what are the different kinds of sex toys?

Thanks!!

BunnyRabbit

Dear BunnyRabbit,

A girl after my own heart. Or other organ. Whatever.

Okay, let’s get down to business. I’m just gonna list the basic types and you can do with that what you will:

Dildos: This is what a girl most easily substitutes for a penis.

Vibrator: The most common, right? This is the one everyone talks about (with good reason). They, like…vibrate. And it’s nice. There are a bunch of different kinds, including:

• Penetrating (goes in)
• G-spot (little ‘n’ easy to use)
• Anal (goes in…the other hole)
• Rabbit (has a vibrating shaft and little rabbit ears for the clitoris)
• Wand (for the clitoris–looks like and is sometimes marketed as a massagey thing)
• Bullet (insert ‘er and enjoy)

Anal Toys: To get your booty on, including:

• Anal beads (balls on a string inserted in your bum)
• Butt plug (stick it in and have fun in the other end)

Nipple Stimulators: To get the nips hard

• Nipple clamps (for those who like a little pain)

Ben Wa Balls: Very specific balls (DON’T JUST USE ANYTHING) that you put inside the hooha that roll around to enhance orgasm.

And, of course, there are always fingers.

Enjoy, girl!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

You would think the word of the day would be more appropriate for the kids playing. Or at least worth more points. What’s next: FUPA?

WTF, Hasbro?!

Excited, rushing conversation, behind a closed door:

“And then this guy… he just, like, whipped out a trombone! And then some other guy just pulled out a harmonica! And then… and then someone had to do his laundry!”

A girl, holding up a bottle of vodka: “It’s my dildo! The best kind – the kind that has alcohol in it.”

Two girls arguing at a party:

“I’m gonna punch your cock off!”

“I don’t have a cock!”

“I wish you did – so I could punch it off!”

A dude walks into an apartment, carrying a keg.

“Wait,” asks another guy. “Is that, like, for drinking?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna bathe in it, first. Hey, is that pizza? Maybe I’ll rub that all over my body while I’m at it.”

A girl at the library, in the stacks, as loudly as possible: “Listen. So then I talked to my doctor, and then my gynecologist, and he put me on birth control – but he says I still need to use condoms when I’m f***ing my boyfriend, because I might get syphilis! I know, right?”

Guy in the hallway, banging on a door: “Hey! You! You think you can just live in my building? Fuck you! Here’s my nipple!

“The Rescuers Down Under? Oh, that movie was so cool!”

“I know, right? It was crazy. I think I definitely developed some kind of weird medical bondage thing, though.”

“Yeah, who even thinks of that? Like, were the writers sitting around, like, ‘Yeah, it’s pretty good, but I really think it needs a rectal torture scene.’”

I love Barack Obama. LOVE him. I love his policies, I love his speeches and I love the way he looks in a bathing suit. If Michelle hadn’t already nabbed that guy, I would definitely take him home for myself. And, yes, he may have made it into one (or many) of my “do me on the desk in the Oval Office” fantasies.

And now I can live out my fantasies….sorta.

Introducing: The Barack Obama Dildo.

This badboy puts the “OH!” into Obama.

It isn’t nearly as sexy as the real guy, but it is an Obama I can store under my pillow. For nightly use. Especially after foreplay debates.

It’s just my little way of giving my all to this year’s monumental election.

[For more election fun and general hilarity, join CollegeCandy's Facebook group!] 

Christina Aguilera looks completely different

David Duchovny (somehow?) conquers his sex addiction

Random: Japanese helper monkeys

Johnny Depp does the pirate act for $56 mil (repeat: $56 million)

Nailin Paylin

Punch Michael Lohan for charity!

Vintage hotness: James Dean

Holly really did break up with Puffin — er, Hef

John McCain encourages idiots

The slinky song…for adults

Amy Winehouse wouldn’t mind dying

Mila Kunis is everywhere

Hollywood needs those bitchy critics

Magic Frame: ‘Take On Me’ explained (hilariously)

The most stylish family EVAH

HighJoy.com and Sinulator.com made it happen. These sites not only offer sex toys to peak your pleasure principle, they now make it possible to connect these toys to your computer so that with the touch of a button, you can control your partner’s sex toy o’choice and send them into pleasure heaven. And vice versa.

Sinulator.com offers a package of all the software necessary as well as the ever popular “rabbit” vibrator for a mere $139.95. Simply install the software, name your toy, and you are on your way!

HighJoy.com offers similar packages.

As if this isn’t awesome enough, the remote can not only connect to your computer, it can hook to your palm pilot.

This is a godsend for long-distance relationships…and really horny people.