Here’s a shocking headline for you: Lindsay is no longer the only Lohan to become food for public thought!! Wow! You don’t say!? No way!

Well, yes way, I do say! Oh, the times, how they are a-changin’.

Surprisingly, it’s not her dad, Michael, or her mom, Dina. Nope. This time, folks, it’s her once adorable, once normal (or as near normal as possible) little sister, Ali. Maybe while we’ve all been distracted by her spotlight hogging, tabloid crazy older sister, Lindsay, we forgot to keep a close eye on the future of the Lohan clan. How celebrity irresponsible of us.

Most of you may be wondering what the big deal is, anyway. Let me give you a moment to take in the picture above: the cheek implants, the nose job, the…whatever they did to her eyebrows. But honestly, I can’t blame her. If I had Lohan blood in me, around me or even down the hall from me, you couldn’t ask me to crawl out of my own skin fast enough.

Think you can guess the top seven reasons why Ali Lohan is trying to pull the change-up of the century on her roots, her fam and her celeb status? CollegeCandy does! Watch and learn while we dissect the most important reasons Ali is abruptly abandoning her “adored” family name and looks:

1. I Wanna Be Like Mike (Like Mike)

Michael Jordan? Yes. Michael Jackson? Yes. Michael Kors? Definitely. Michael Lohan… Not so much.  If you don’t know much about our dear Mikey Lohan, here’s the deal: he was a once successful Wall Street trader who was arrested and charged with insider trading, divorced and estranged from his wife and three children shortly after, and when his eldest daughter, our dearest Lindsay, became super famous he decided to make the pot boil by verbally and physically insisting that her career fall under professional management. But lets get real, who wants to hear all that boring stuff?

You most likely know Mr. Lohan from his stint on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew where he struggled through his addictions with cocaine, alcohol and his hate-to-love, love-to-hate wife and kids. While daddy dearest made headlines trying to find peace between himself and Lindsay, I suppose he forgot to take note that he was raising another headline hungry daughter behind the scenes. One who clearly isn’t interested in looking like one of the bunch.

2. Freaky, Freaky Friday

Ever see the movie big sister Lindsay stars in alongside Jamie Lee Curtis? Where mom and daughter trade lives to see just how rough the other one has it? Well, switch up the roles a little bit and you’ve got another box office hit: Loopy, Loony Lohans starring Lindsay and Dina. Wouldn’t any reasonable brunette go crazy living live alongside two platinum blondes?

3. Dina, Dina the DINAsaur

The only reason I know anything about Dina Lohan is because she’s part owner and part responsible for the (im)proper child-rearing of daughter, Lindsay. She also co-starred on Living Lohan, a reality TV series run by E! network.  Like any good mom, Dina cries to any tabloid that will listen and insists that daughter Lindsay’s drug and alcohol addictions are absolutely not her fault, although recently, she gladly threw back a couple bottles with the lovely Linds at the star-studded Kardashian nuptials. Yeah, Dina, you’re right, your daughter’s drinking problems are totally not your fault. You betcha! Run Ali, save yourself. Get as far away as that scalpel will take you from the Lohan name.

4. Wait, what do you mean Mom? Reality TV is not real life?

On Living Lohan, Dina opened the floodgates of fame for youngest, sweetest daughter Ali, then age 13. Fast-forward five years and 18-year-old Ali is rail thin and disappearing. Let me guess, not your problem either, right mom? Soon you won’t be her problem, either.

5. Predetermined Addiction to Drugs, Alcohol and Rehab

Oops, nevermind. Looks like little Ali already beat me to it.

6. Livin’ La Vida Lohan

Name five honest and genuine things that have come from the Lohan family. Five too tough? Go ahead, name three. I double dog dare you. Now can you blame anyone with that last name for going one straw short of insane?

7. Big Sister is Always Watching

It was too easy to go straight for Lindsay as the number one reason Ali would want to steer as clear as possible from the lame Lohans. Instead, I saved the best for last. Since I could have dedicated this entire post to all the reasons why Lindsay alone could keep Ali from wanting to stay a Lohan, I’ll just give you the long and short of it. First, what a great role model. Who doesn’t want to brag about their older sister when she’s got all sorts of knowledge on jail, rehab, addiction and bad publicity? If I had an older sister, I would hope she’d be just like Lindsay….

While her new, emaciated face and figure have flown her far from the telltale Lohan traits, Ali might be hoping to take her transformation to another level. She traded in the addictive lifestyle of a Hollywood actress to instead take on the miserable, always hungry yet pleasantly starved career of a Hollywood fashion model. I guess you pick your poison, Ali. I’m sure it’s easier to stare into the eyes of a camera with a super duper hangover than rehearse lines for a mega million-dollar movie role.

Lucky for us, there’s a Lohan boy caught somewhere in the middle of the mess that we call his sisters. Grab a glass or a line and bottoms up, girls! Here’s to future headlines!

Lindsay Lohan is a classic example of a child star gone wrong. She’s the black sheep of Disney,  Hollywood and the fashion world. She’s done it all: DUIs, rehab, drug possession, rehab, daddy issues, drunken Twitter arguments with her girlfriend, rehab…again.

Homegirl’s dealing with some very serious issues and with her latest shoplifting debacle, she’s hit rock bottom.

The threat of jail time (again) is looking pretty inevitable and Lindsay’s been doing everything in her power to turn her life around – including an attempt to quit smoking – but nothing seems to be helping. And now it’s time for drastic measures. What’s Lindsay’s latest plan to get back on top? Well, let’s just say it’s less than impressive.

Lindsay’s mother, Dina, recently appeared on The Today Show to chat with Matt Lauer about her daughter’s status at the Center. Comforting many Americans by informing them of Lindsay’s “relaxed” and “happy” state, Dina then proceeded to discuss Lindsay’s plans to open her own rehab facility.

Wait, what? Yes, you heard Dina correctly. While her daughter is attempting to stay out of the public eye, Dina is going on national programs to give complete strangers the 411 on her daughter’s struggle to recover from extensive alcohol, drug, and social media addictions. And, she is sharing plans (who knows if they were Lindsay’s or Dina’s) to use Lindsay’s celebrity to open a rehab clinic.

Celebrities often use their famous faces to begin new business ventures. There are plenty of perfumes, fashion collections, and alcohol lines with star studded creators. However, this is taking it to an entirely new level of… well, absolute insanity.

Lindsay is still in rehab. She is not fully recovered. She has yet to be in the real world, surrounded by all the temptations that caused her to fail time after time (after time after time). Yet, here her mother sits — on a morning talk show — discussing future plans to use her daughter’s name to promote an agenda to help others pad her wallet.

Beyond Dina’s obviously transparent attempt to keep Lindsay (and therefore herself) relevant lies a truly tragic situation. Just as Lindsay has finally escaped the harsh lens of the paparazzi, her mother drags her back into the spotlight. Dina is more concerned with Lindsay as a name than as a daughter. She wants Lindsay to remain important in Hollywood — or, more realistically, in the tabloids. And, if she had any idea what it meant to be a good mother, she would realize how absolutely twisted and out-of-check her priorities are.

If she fully recovers, Lindsay has the potential to rise above the it-girl, socialite status that has made the likes of the Kardashians and the Hiltons famous. She actually has the ability to act. Yet, her mother seems to constantly forget that.

For a full return to a healthy and happy life, it may be a good idea for Lindsay to consider Elton John’s advice to ditch the family. Dina’s attempt to use her daughter to keep herself famous is not conducive to a full recovery for Lindsay. At the end of the day, it may be Dina that is the most toxic aspect of Lindsay’s life, pushing her toward a full recovery and then pulling her away when personal success is so near.

Rehab is not some fruity fragrance or stylish skirt that can be mass marketed to make millions. It is something that requires attention, time, and copious amounts of sacrifice. And, for Dina to use Lindsay’s struggle (which is far from over) to promote some new PR idea is not only is not only sad, but completely disgusting.

In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time –  things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.

1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.

2. Apologize for I Know Who Killed Me – Because before this film we were all on Team Lindsay. Mean Girls! Freaky Friday! PARENT TRAP! All I ask is that she log on to Twitter for a minute and say sorry. And refund my ticket money and my $9 movie popcorn. Oh, and give a personal apology to my 19-year-old sister who was my movie date. We had to have quite the talk after that movie.

3. Lock Ali Lohan in her Room – Mama Dina be damned. There’s no way we’re letting another Lohan into the spotlight. Yes, some damage has already been done. Yes, she’s posed provocatively and yes, she’s been on a reality show all about her mother’s desperation to make her famous. But no, we will not let her start sniffing (literally) around Hollywood for a chance to fill her sister’s shoes.

4. Go to college – A few years away from Hollywood stressing about sweat pant weight gain and final papers will give her a little perspective. Like remind her that not all 20-year-olds are clubbing with their mother, file restraining orders against their media-loving daddy, and fight over Aaron Carter (remember that?!). And she’ll definitely have her choice of colleges. I mean, her essay is going to blow the admissions committee out of the water. Forget that kid that did a community service teen tour and check out the girl who chased down her assistant at high speeds while high on cocaine.

5. Fan College Candy on Facebook – And no, we’re not just saying that for selfish reasons. We just want the best for our baby girl and there’s nothing better for a 20-something lady than our fan page. Especially because we’re giving away a beer pong table to one lucky fan. And Lindsay will need that for all the games of water pong that are in her future.

So yeah, if anyone knows the judge’s address, just send this along.

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Whatever it is, 13 is proven to be a luckier number for LiLo than it is for T. Swizzle.

You know what that means: in just a few shorts days, Lilo will be f-r-e-e and, presumably, cleaned up.  Hold the press! No really, the press is going to be forced to hold the news because there won’t be any. Without Lindsay getting crunked and falling on the sidewalks of L.A., what is US Weekly and In Touch supposed to do with all those empty pages now?

Well don’t fret, my pets. Hollywood is a garden full of hot mess potential. Sure, Lindsay might be working and sober and boring, but here are just a few Hollywood tartlets who will most definitely stumble up to the hot mess plate:

Taylor Momsen

Oh man, where do I even start with Miss Momsen? Is it the rat nest on her head? Her zipper-front jeans she’s sporting?  The name of her band – The Pretty Reckless? Wait – I’ve got it. The hooker eyeliner. Yeah, that’s probably the most obvious problem. This (YOUNG) girl is the hottest mess around, so much so that on a good day, she makes LiLo look like Dora the Explorer. If there were ever someone to follow in Lindsay’s footsteps, Ms. Momsen is it.

Miley Cyrus

I’m depressed to say this because I really like to stick up for Miley; ‘She’s just expressing herself, let her be!’ But Miley is proving to me that I just need to snap my trap shut.  Exhibit A: Rumors are circling that Miley wants a boob job. Badly. I hope they are not true but regardless, Miley’s got the case of the Lindsay’s knocking at her love-layer door.  The ripped clothes, the long hair, the raunchy music videos dubbed ‘artistic expression’… it’s all there folks.

Ke$ha

Ke$ha’s songs are like Lilo’s life set to a catchy beat. Tunes about trashing people’s houses, barfing in public and making fun of old men hitting on her in bars…. all she needs is a SCRAM bracelet and we’re good to go.

Ali Lohan

Just because Lindsay’s clean doesn’t mean there are no hot messes left in the Lohan family. It is the Lohan family, after all! Ali’s had to watch her sister unravel, her mother assist and her father, well, just be himself. It’s only a matter of time until Ali’s passing out in Range Rovers, popping bottles (and pills) in the club, and giving us plenty to read about.

Britney Spears

Much like death, taxes and 3am pizza runs, a Britney Spears meltdown is a certainty of life. Who needs Lindsay when Britney’s sporting those exposed extensions and daisy dukes, and dragging a Venti Frap with her wherever she goes? Bring Adnan back into the picture and we won’t even remember Lilo’s name.

A long time ago, on an enchanted island known to outsiders by its distinctive accent and an overwhelming amount of extremely assertive residents with surgically enhanced noses, there lived an evil couple, Michael and Dina, hellbent on becoming famous despite having no talent. So one night they decided to forgo the sponge or the IUD or whatever birth control was hip in the ’80s and gave birth to Princess Scram Bracelet.

They fed her a healthy diet of cocaine formula, Ambien-laced pacifiers, and straight-up vodka breast milk in hopes she would one day fulfill her destiny of becoming America’s favorite lil drunken mess. And oh did she ever!

As she rose to fame, went on cocaine-inspired car chases, got kicked out of clubs, and sentenced to jail, so did her parents. Because the evilest part about them was the worse Princess Scram Bracelet got, the more interviews they got on Larry King and in Star Magazine.  So they encouraged her Twitter rants, her nail polish essays, and her generally irrational behavior in hopes that one day Michael could wear sleeveless mesh t-shirt on national TV and that Dina could have her own talk show as the White Oprah.

Think this fairy tale is nothing more than a made-up story? The proof is below.

1. The Carvel Card Scandal of 2010 – Dina is what many doctors and WebMD interns call an egotistical bitch. So when LiLo received the Carvel black card last year that entitled her to unlimited ice cream forever, Dina snatched it out of her hands, and began using it for herself. (Lilo hasn’t been hungry since she started doing lines in 2004, after all. You can’t let that thing go to waste!) The Carvel employees grew tired her illegally using their black card to eat nonstop Carvel when she could very well afford to just pay for the cones herself and took it away from her. Rather than responding rationally and paying for the ice cream cake she wanted that day, she called the police, and claimed Carvel stole her black card. The police shook their heads, regretted ever choosing to work on that enchanted island, and told Dina to pay for her $12.99 cake herself.

2. Clubbing with Underage LiLo – You can’t get famous for being a drunken mess by sitting at home on Saturday nights. And Mother Dina knew this all too well. So even though the young LiLo was not of age and even though it’s considered extremely poor parenting in most parenting books, Dina would get herself and Linds all dolled up for a night on the town. Each time she would buy Linds another shot she would cross her fingers that one day soon her precious money bag of a daughter would turn to harder drugs. And that those harder drugs would turn into top selling tabloid stories about rehab rumors and death countdowns.

3. Nose Jobs For The Spare Daughter - Dina may be pure evil, but she’s certainly not an idiot. She knewPrincess Scram Bracelet plan wasn’t foolproof and she was determined to fix the odds by having 3 spare children always laying around. But the problem was that she didn’t realize that the spare daughter would not be as blessed in the looks department. So just in case Linds pulled the now cliche “I’m a  young, dead, overdosed” celebrity stunt, she supposedly fixed up little Ali’s nose so that she wouldn’t look quite so scary looking. One ridiculous reality show and CD release later, she secured Ali’s spot as a potential celebutard.

4. Public Fighting With the Ex – Like all perseverant famewhores, Michael and Dina realized that they would never make it on Hollywood if there wasn’t always constant family turmoil brewing at home. So they did what all good parents did and divorced. But a divorce wasn’t enough, so Dina and Michael schemed that the best way to really push Linds over the edge would be to constantly fight out their personal issues through the tabloids. No child support issue or domestic abuse claim was too private to keep in the family. After all what would Linds have to Tweet about if her parents behaved like parents?

Hm, maybe we were wrong about this whole Lohan incarceration situation. Turns out, it’s Dina who deserves the jail time.

Yikes! It’s been a crazy week! We had a wedding, some engagements, and a divorce (with some possible cheating in the forecast). Plus, Perez is in trouble and a fallen star was kidnapped??

It wouldn’t be Hollywood if it didn’t keep us entertained!

Craziness:

1. Former 7th Heaven star, Jeremy London, was kidnapped last week by two men in Palm Springs. They helped him change his flat tire, and Jeremy offered to give them a ride home since they arrived on foot. The two men forced him at gunpoint to “smoke dope and hand out alcohol” among other things. Jeremy eventually escaped and contacted the police. The poor guy is a recovering drug addict, and this just makes his road to recovery even more difficult. But luckily, authorities have arrested one of the kidnappers, Brandon Adams, and charged him with kidnapping and robbery along with several other charges. Hopefully Jeremy will make a speedy comeback from this crazy ordeal!

2. Harrison Ford and longtime girlfriend Calista Flockheart are married! You thought they were already hitched, didn’t you? Well, they weren’t. But now they are… finally! They had a small ceremony at the Governor’s Mansion in Santa Fe, New Mexico with Calista’s son, Liam, and the governor and his wife as witnesses. How quaint. Congrats!

3. Al Gore and Tipper Gore got a divorce, but Al may have been cheating with Larry David’s ex-wife, Laurie David (anyone else think Laurie and Larry David is an awesome couple name?). While both camps are reporting this is so not true, I can’t help but wonder. Laurie says she’s been in serious relationship since her divorce with Larry, but doesn’t say with who and there are no photos with said person. Unless that person is Al Gore, close friend and *gasp* lover! Only time will tell.

4. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are engaged again! But don’t look for a ring because she already lost it. The two got engaged while in Hawaii last week and when Brian popped the question on the beach, the ring fell off her little finger and into the ocean. They had staffers sifting through the sand for hours to find the 2-carat bling. Don’t worry Megan, you can always get a tattoo ring!

5. Perez Hilton might be facing child porn charges. However, it’s not likely, so stop your cheering. Perez posted a link to a photo of Miley Cyrus getting out of a car and exposing her Britney. People speculated that she wasn’t wearing underwear, but she really was and now Perez is stuck defending himself. He was simply trying to show how unladylike Miley was being as she exited her car, and now everyone’s freaking out because she’s only 17. Give it a rest – Miley prances around in hardly anything and tries to be all about her music or whatever when really she just wants the attention. Sorry Miley, you may not be “trying to be slutty” but you are. Now close your legs, and your mouth.

Slightly Less Crazy

1. In other engagement news, America Ferrera is the new fiance of longtime boyfriend, Ryan Piers Williams. The pair met when they were studying at USC and he cast her in one of his film projects! Adorbs. Perhaps that’s the secret behind America’s gorgeous glow these days. Congrats, lady!

2. Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol test after her SCRAM went off last week came back negative so maybe we shouldn’t doubt her sobriety so much. Ha, who am I kidding? Yes we should.

3. As if one Lohan isn’t enough crazy, Dina Lohan got denied at Carvel while trying to use daughter Ali’s Carvel Black Card, which gives free ice cream for 75 years. Apparently the Lohans “abuse the card” and they took it back! Yeah, it’s okay to laugh so hard you cry at this. I mean, really, there’s a Carvel Black Card?!

4. The Situation has released a rap song called, you guessed it, “The Situation”! And it’s got fist-pumping and Jager bombs written all over it!

5. Speaking of situations, check out Zac Efron’s. YUM.

When I was in middle school and I had to choose between two boys who wanted to take me to the 7th grade dance, my mom told me to make a list. (Mind you, that was the last time I ever had 2 boys fighting over me…) After noting that one of the boys had far more cons (like picking his nose…and eating it), I had my answer. Since then, I’ve used lists to make all of my difficult life decisions: beer or vodka, Kris Allen or Adam Lambert, flats or wedges…

And now: which celeb is worse for the future of society.

This week’s showdown is between two ladies who are tainting our youth, one racy photo at a time: Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Who is wreaking more havoc? Let’s break it down:

Disney Career

Miley Cyrus, or should I say Hannah Montana, was abducted into the Disney cult at the young age of rwelve. With a hit TV show, spin-off movie, and record deal, I’m not sure if Miley will be hanging up that hideous blond wig any time soon.

Lindsay Lohan, also paid her Disney dues, starring in The Parent Trap, Life Size, Freaky Friday, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, and Herbie Fully Loaded. Sadly, the freckles faded (or perhaps were spray tanned over) and Lindsay broke her ties to Disney to pursue other acting gigs

Point: Miley Cyrus. Maybe it’s time Miley moved on to bigger and better things (it’s not like all those Disney movies did Lindsay any good, anyway). Besides, that whole double persona thing confuses the crap out of me.

Racy Pics

Miley Cyrus started small with some provocative bff pics, you know, just sharing a gummy worm with the bestie, eating lollipops, and rolling around on the ground together. But that was just the beginning. Soon after, Miley was jonesing for more Lolita love and stripped down to her skivvies. I like to refer to these as the panty pics, because, for God knows what reason, Miley decided to hold a photo sesh in her underwear (Myspace style). Of course the pictures leaked. I’ve been saving the best for last, because for her grand finale, Miley graced the cover of Vanity Fair in nothing but a sheet. Everybody on Team Miley lost their sh*t and denied any involvement in the decision. Hey, she ‘s just being Miley, right?

Lindsay Lohan posed for her Vanity Fair cover in a little white bikini. She waited to reveal her bits a few pages in a la Marilyn Monroe. The whole thing wasn’t terribly scandalous, but don’t you worry, there’s plenty more scandal in Lindsay’s photo past. First, I have two words for you: Fire Crotch. Seemed like Lindsay had something to prove after that little nick name became public. Then there were the  Vanessa Minnilo Knife Pictures.  But who am I to judge, I’m sure it was just your average house party when the knife play got a little out of control. Oh, and how could we forget when Lindsay passed out in that car?! God bless the paparazzi for capturing that gleaming moment in Lindsay’s life.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. A vag flash, knife pic and passing out drunk on camera? The only way Miley could top that is if someone got a shot of her in a threesome with the Jonas Brothers…and all of T.I.’s guns.

Role Model

Miley Cyrus likes to talk about her good morals. This could be great as far as being a role model. Who doesn’t want someone with strong moral values and an awesome work ethic to give kids someone to look up to? Unfortunately, Miley has been a little hypocritical as far as those morals go. Just look at the photo evidence if you don’t believe me.

Lindsay Lohan had a very public lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson. This could have been a great opportunity for Lindsay to step up as a role model for the gay community and break some of the stereotypes associated with lesbians and bisexuals. Lindsay didn’t really come through, though. There was more focus on the negative instead of the positive in that relationship; drug allegations, restraining orders and public screaming matches don’t exactly promote a healthy image.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. I don’t really think anybody should be looking up to Lindsay Lohan right now.

Branding

Miley Cyrus has Hannah Montana stuff EVERYWHERE. I don’t think I’ve ever went shopping without seeing that big toothy smile. She has DVDs,  wigs, make up, handbags, backpacks, dolls, CDs, books, boardgames, toilet seats… Yes, I said toilet seats. Need I continue?

Lindsay Lohan had her own line of leggings, but right now she’s sticking to spray tan. It sounds like a cruel joke but it’s true – the queen of orange glow is taking her spray tan wisdom to the public with Sevin Nyne.

Point: Miley Cyrus. I know she’s probably raking in the cash, but nobody should ever put their face on a toilet seat. Seriously, she’s just asking to be pissed on.

Fame Whore Parents

Miley Cyrus is the daughter Billy Ray Cyrus (you know, Achey Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus.) When your dad was once a famous country singer (with chaps and a mullet) who is no longer in the limelight, you are already in danger of crossing into crazy stage-parent territory. Add in that Miley’s dad co-stars in Hannah Montana with her and you have a full fledged fame whore dad. It probably doesn’t help that Billy Ray has that very creepy Joe Simpson vibe going for him either.

Lindsay Lohan’s family loooooooves publicity. Doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, Dina and Michael Lohan will take any opportunity to talk to a tabloid, call a radio show, or write to a website. I’m surprised they haven’t hired sky writers yet. Like Billy Ray, Dina claims she attempted her own career as a rockette. She settled for a reality show and status as a fame whore parent instead.

Point: Lindsay Lohan. Let’s just say the Lohans are a little more involved in their daughter’s life. And by “involved” I mean “get drunk with her and call the paps to be outside when they leave.”

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Lindsay Lohan. As much as it pains me, I really can’t hate on Miley this time.

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