I could write a book filled with my friends’ hook up horror stories, but that would be ugly and unproductive. So in the spirit of Liz Lemon, I decided to make a list of deal breakers to prevent said horror stories. Unfortunately, many of my friends have followed through with a hookup despite a definite deal breaker (I have not of course, because I am perfect and never make mistakes). Enough is enough. Some things are just plain unacceptable and must be addressed.

However, I didn’t just write this list for girls. Pass this post on to a guy friend. Gentlemen, please pay attention. I’m trying to help you.

1. The Head Move

Head has two meanings here. If you’re a girl, you know exactly what I’m talking about already. The guy you’re making out with places one of his hands on your head or shoulder (barely a step up) and proceeds to gently push you downward. Subtle.

Out of all the over-eager pushy moves guys pull, this has got to be one of the most disrespectful because it wanders into the area of coercion, which is NOT ok.

At best, this tactic epitomizes the male sex’s inability to communicate. Why does the necessity to constantly talk about sex only disappear when you’re actually in the act?  USE YOUR WORDS. So many of my friends have encountered the head move that I’m starting to think guys genuinely believe it to be smooth. Why? How? NO. It’s rude and awkward (more awkward than simply speaking up. Shocker.). You might as well say “Hey, ya know what? I really don’t want to look at your face right now. So if ya don’t mind…”

WE KNOW WHERE IT IS. Please, just ask or let us offer.

2. Overly Aggressive Dirty Talk

On the other hand, a guy who enjoys using his words a little too much can also be a problem. One of my friends was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he suddenly said something so atrocious I don’t feel comfortable quoting it. All I will say is he spoke in a deep, husky voice “reminiscent of Buffalo Bill from ‘The Silence of The Lambs’ ” and ended his exclamation with “BITCH.”

They were about 5 minutes into making out…

Guys, you want to make a girl feel sexy, not like she’s about to be murdered, skinned and then sewn into some socio-path’s lady-suit. So, think before you speak, especially if it’s your first time hooking up with her. She may not even be into that, so try and pull it back…especially if you’re both still fully clothed.

3. Bad kissing 

OK, we can handle the cheesy dance moves or all around lack of rhythm. These tend to be less consistent gauges of a potential hookup’s prowess. However, we cannot and will not tolerate questionable kissing skills. Let me put this into perspective; the guy doing “the fishing-line” on the dance floor has a significantly better chance at catching some tail than the J.T.-in-training who kisses like a trout. (Sadly, the later will not be “rocking” anyone’s body anytime soon. Cheesy enough mixed metaphor for ya?). There is NO excuse for still being a bad kisser by the time you’ve reached COLLEGE.

And no, we don’t care this much because a great make-out is just sooooo romantic and swoon-worthy. We care because if you don’t have that fundamental step down, you’ll most likely disappoint past that point.

4. Overbearing and Over-sharing

One of my friends had been hooking up with a guy for only a couple weeks when he gave her a toothbrush so she could “start staying over all the time!” Yay? As she so eloquently reflected, “2 fast, 2 furious.” Coming on too strong, too soon can make a girl very uncomfortable.

This also includes the often drunken over-sharing. There’s a difference between opening up and word vomit. Girls can make great listeners, but don’t abuse this quality. There is a time and a place…and, hey, probably another person that you could talk to. Pre or Post-hookup, we don’t want to hear about your friend drama, and, please, don’t ever bring up your ex-girlfriend. TMI is a turn-off. Remember, if she was your shrink, you’d being lying on her couch, not her bed.

5. Overconfidence

True, some girls find copious amounts of confidence irresistible, but if you use pick-up lines seriously or refer to yourself in the third person, most girls are just going to think you’re an ass. Worst-case scenario: we find you funny (in a laughing at you not with you sense).

Another friend of mine was once hooking up with a guy who suddenly stopped to ask her, “So, how many times have you climaxed so far?” Did I mention they had been having sex for maybe 10 minutes?

Dude, too soon. What’s next, a Steve Jobs joke?

(She told me this story crying with laughter. At least he did that for her…).

6. Super Sketchy Secretive Behavior

I’m addressing this section mainly to girls. To a lot of us, this is a red flag. However, some girls don’t see a guy’s shenanigans as sketchy, but as mysterious and exciting. I know girls with 4.0’s that fall into this trap. It has got to stop. He is not James Bond, and you are not a Bond girl. So beware of the LATE night texts, secret meeting places, lack of public interaction, and overall treatment of your hookup as a covert operation.

You are not role-playing. HE’S PROBABLY MARRIED.

7. Wanting to Go Condom Commando

This shouldn’t even need an explanation. Girls, don’t give into this pressure by any means. What guy is going to say, “Ok, well I’d rather not have sex at all then”?

If by some off chance he does, he’s an idiot. Sucks to suck.

8. Extreme Drunkenness

Ladies, if he went to the bathroom to “take a piss” and returns with a minty-fresh mouth, he probably wasn’t handling his beer breathe for you, he actually just tactically vommed. Sound cynical? This has happened to more than one of my friends (and they only knew the truth because the fellas fessed up). Get out. Get out immediately.

Guys, extreme drunkenness can lead to not only sloppy seduction, but also disaster. Remember how Jonah Hill head-butts Emma Stone in “Superbad” because he passes out as he leans in to kiss her? Well, even if you make it past your fellow fallen soldier, as long as you too are extremely intoxicated, you’re not going get much further. A girl doesn’t have to be psychic to predict that the hookup will most likely be super bad in other ways.

Bottom line: No girl wants to feel like a sexual predator…or Snookie’s handler.

Of course this list could go on-and-on and get strangely specific. For example, I could add “playing weird mood music” (cranking up the Sarah Bareillis doesn’t exactly set the scene for seduction. Yes, this too has happened to one of my poor friends). However, I trust that the eight deal breakers above cover more common ground. That being said, I recognize that every girl has her personal preferences, and that’s awesome. Just make sure you’re getting what you want out of your hookup experience.

As for the lovely upstanding gentlemen who took the time to read this post, I’d like to impart to you the secret to improving in all the aforementioned areas:

Stop it.

Hi there ladies (and gents), we’re about to get real up-close and personal for this one! I’ve given you some insight into my bedroom comfort zones and what my views are on “hooking up,” but this one is going to be really fun.

Let me give you the little rundown of my relationship history: I have been in two serious, long-term relationships (I’m 21-years-old, if you’re wondering) and had a few flings here and there in between. Let’s just say, I’ve either got to know the guy well enough to say some pretty ridiculous stuff (in bed) or at least have enough vanilla vodka in my system to let my inhibitions (and dignity) fly to the wind.

The first time I ever had sex was with my high school boyfriend. We were young and in love and blah blah blah. Either way, when we started having sex, I was silent! I didn’t really know any different. I was smart enough not to venture onto the family computer to do “research” but I was dumb enough not to take a hint from movies and the go-to for teens, Cosmo. I mean, just like every other teenage girl, I was obsessed with that super steamy sex scene from The Notebook, but felt that since I wasn’t being thrust up against a wall and aggressively pushed onto a bed (aggressively is said in the best way possible for this one, obvs…it’s Ryan Gosling) that I shouldn’t be vocal about my experience. Maybe my first boyfriend wasn’t the best in bed, but over time I realized something was missing on my end in our sex life…and it was the dirty talk.

Thus, when I moved into the intimacy realm with my second boyfriend, it was a much better experience. Not only was I a little older and more developed and confident in my body (gee, thanks boobs for bypassing high school and popping up now that I’m about to graduate college), but I had already learned that talking dirty to your partner makes sex a lot more fun! Needless to say, this time around involved more dirty talk, which in turn made for steamier sex. Read More »

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Well that's over.

Hooking up in college is similar to navigating a minefield.  You never quite know what you’re getting into or when it’s all going to go horribly wrong.  Often the best of intentions turn out to be the most humiliating moments of your life.  Here are the Top 10 Mood Killers you’re likely to encounter during your career as a collegiate bed hopper.

1. The iTunes Snafu
You actually made the bed, lit a few candles, and put on a new…outfit.  Everything is set up to be the most romantic night of your college life.  You hit play on the ultra-sexy playlist you made just as you and your guy fall into bed.  Two songs into it, however, and all of a sudden there’s a familiar female voice asking for directions to el baño.  Wha?  You both pause, wondering if some how you’ve been transported to a brothel in Rio.  Then you realized you must’ve added your Spanish 101 lesson to the mix by accident.  Suddenly Professora Diaz became a third party in this would-be intimate moment; class will never be the same.

2. Man Down
Cosmo encourages trying new things in the bedroom, as does every relationship self-help book in Barnes & Noble.  In an effort to keep things fresh, you pick a move that looks easy enough.  After all, your legs are pretty flexible…it shouldn’t be to hard to get them in that position, right?  Somewhere between getting your ankle dislodged from around his neck, you feel your grip on the headboard slipping.  Fuu…! And you’re on the floor.

3. Alright, Who Did It?
The two of you have found a great rhythm and you’re almost there when all of a sudden- what was that!?  Before you can think, you blurt out, “I swear I didn’t fart!”  That’s when things come to a screeching halt and you know he won’t be coming back for seconds any time soon. Read More »

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I’m just gonna say it, I’m good in bed. I might be a little arrogant about it, but a big part of good sex is confidence, so I think it’s OK to be a bit smug. A lot of girls are insecure about their performance in the bedroom, but there’s really no reason to be. Being good in bed is much simpler then you think. Here are some tips from an expert:

Enjoy Yourself. If it’s good for you, it’ll be good for your partner. Knowing what you like and how to ask for it takes the stress of figuring it out off your partner so you’re both free to relax and enjoy. Don’t know what you like? Start masturbating.

Try New Things. It’s always good to break the routine. Trying new positions, places, toys, etc. might help you both discover a new favorite.

Be Dirty. Don’t hold back and don’t worry about your manners. Read More »

Alcohol can do a whole lot of things to us. For most girls, there is one sure thing it seems to do every time we’ve had way too much to drink:

It convinces us that we are sexy. That we are…SO sexy.

And a wasted girl who is convinced that she is…SO sexy…is pretty much a recipe for soon-to-come regret. With the slightest instigation, whiskey shots can transform themselves into public make out sessions. And public make out sessions can even sooner become private bedroom parties where you are, invariably, SURE that you’re Jenna Jameson.

And while your ass in the air is likely a sight to be seen and your “dirty talk” is welcomed, (albeit much more hilarious than sensual); you are not Jenna Jameson. Read More »

I was rudely awoken this morning at the ripe hour of 6:45 to the sounds of passionate sex being had above me. This was after falling asleep to the sounds of wild passionate sex being had above me. And right now, as I type this, they are going at it again; this time in the living room above me.

I think I am starting to go crazy!

Not that I haven’t experienced this phenomenon before; I did live with 8 girls in an old house during college. The walls were paper thin and I could hear everything from giggles to bed springs to even the slightest breath. But those were my friends. I had no problem marching up the stairs, gently knocking on the door and reminding said roommate that not everyone needs to know how “good that feels.”

I don’t know the dude who lives upstairs. In fact, until I heard two male voices moaning in the throes of sex last night, I had no idea that he was gay. And it is not like that makes a difference for me at all; I don’t want to hear anyone – gay or straight – screaming “F*$! ME” at 6:45 on a Sunday morning. Nor do I care how either of the parties “likes it” or where their next fornication location is going to be. (Yes, I did hear one boy throw out the idea of “taking this to the shower.”) But my point is that I barely know my upstairs neighbor, making it virtually impossible for me to broach this touchy subject with him. Read More »

I cannot tell a lie. I like talking dirty.

Of course, sometimes I want the more tender, affectionate type of lovemaking, but there are times when a girl just likes to get down and dirrrty.

My foray into dirty talk came with my first serious relationship. It was the first time I dated someone long enough to have a sex life with them and the first time sex needed a little spicing up from time to time. So, first came the dirty talk, which led us to…well…lots of other naughty things. But that’s another blog for another time.

This blog is about being verbally voracious in the bedroom. Luckily, I am not the shy type. Indicative by the fact I write about my sex life for the masses to read. This also came in handy when getting sexually experimental, starting with a few dirty words. Read More »