That’s all well and good, but what about Disney? You know, that company that sent her (and many starlets) on her downward spiral? What are they saying?

Nothing. Obvi.

But maybe it’s time. And I’m not talking about some boring press release or a statement from the top. Disney should do what they do best and turn their curse into TV gold. I can see it in my DVR scheduled recordings now:

Rehab: Not Another Song and Dance

The main character, a psychic girl who moonlights as an AA counselor, played by Demi Lovato, takes the show on twists and turns that will keep the audience guessing her next move. Will she smoke Salvia with her best friend? Is she going to fall off the wagon after 9 months? Can she help other Disney stars resist the urges and temptations that come with having to act like a 14-year-old and sing cheesy songs on TV?

But don’t worry, because Raven Simone, who plays the center’s sassy yet endearing cleaning lady, is always there to help out young Demi in her battles against right and wrong. And that’s not even close to where the story ends! Enter Nick Jonas, a teen who has battled his addiction with alcohol since his mother, played by Britney Spears, pushed him into his first Pampers commercial. Of course, momma is also a little too familiar with the Rehab center, so the two must work with Demi’s character to beat their diseases….while also finding themselves in the midst of shenanigans and hijinks that run rampant in Disney shows/movies/specials.

But Lovato isn’t the only one those two turn to in their time of need. Momma Spears has other problems, such as being unable to keep a steady job or boyfriend, and often visits the wise janitor at the clinic, played by Justin Timberlake, on matters concerning the heart. Could Justin sweep (literally!!) Britney off her feet?

And then we have the leading doctor, played by Hilary Duff, a young professional who battles demons of her own… in the form of a cartoon mouse whose voice is reminiscent to Tony Soprano. Will Duff do the right thing and break up with boyfriend Joe Jonas, a firefighter with a heart of gold, but a problem with keeping it in his pants? Will she be able to maintain her focus at work when her whole world crumbles around her at home? Will she hit a bong herself?

Only time will tell.

Other doctors on the clinic’s staff include twins Tia and Tamera Mowry, who enjoy playing tricks on the patients by changing places and giving them two different diagnoses, and Corbin Bleu, a new doctor to the clinic who is trying to find his way after moving from a small town in Iowa to LA. Bleu has dreams of becoming a backup dancer for J.Lo but doesn’t know how to tell his parents he is not cut out for the medical world.

The show, which is riddled with exciting songs and guest stars turned down by the Glee execs, will touch on serious issues (from Salvia to stealing jewelry to fuel a coke binge) in order to educate the channel’s young viewers about the dangers of drug addiction. You know, instead of just sweeping it under the rug yet again and hoping for the best with the new crop of stars comin’ through the Disney ranks.

I don’t know about you, but I’m excited at the prospect. At last! Something else to watch besides ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ on a Friday night!

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Those of us who have little sisters know how annoying they can be (haha, love you Chloe!).  Those of us who are humans who participate in society know how annoying famous little sisters can be.  The most annoying of these are probably Ashlee Simpson (okay, the older sister is just as annoying…if not more so) and Jamie Lynn Spears (well…ditto).  But which one is more of a fame whore?  Which one can even be called a valid human being (j/k…sort of)?

Babies
Ashlee Simpson had a baby (with a really weird name). Ashlee Simpson is a baby.  I feel like if you and your husband both wear skinny jeans and excessively gel/dye your hair, you shouldn’t be having children.  Maybe she should be taking some cues from her sister and get some mom jeans up in there.

Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby.  Wait, she’s legal? Oh…nope!  Anyway, good job on her to take the heat off her crazy-ass big sister by ‘causing a ruckus and getting knocked up all southern style.  That’s dedication.  That’s love.

Point: Ashlee Simpson.  I’m not even sure she remembers she has a baby after all the time she’s been spending screaming at people in clubs and making crappy albums. Also, was anyone talking about her post reconstructive surgery and pre baby? Nope! Nice publicity stunt, Ash!

“Fame”
Ashlee Simpson sang some songs…wait, or did she act in something?  What does she do again?  I forget.  Generally that’s not a good thing if you’re famous and people don’t remember what you’re famous for except for your ability to lip sync, get booed off stages and get nose/chin/total makeover jobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears…does…nothing?  Like, seriously.  What does she do?  I think maybe she sings stuff…and has a Disney TV show.  But who doesn’t these days?

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. She literally does nothing and all her fame is due to her crazy big sister and her own pregnancy “scandal.”

Family
Ashlee Simpson has a crazy, controlling dad and a seriously misguided older sister (I swear, the buffalo wings thing…).  Ashlee could probably take the prize of being the most well-adjusted and “normal” in that family, considering what she had to deal with while growing up. Although, that might not be saying much…

Jamie Lynn Spears has a crazy older sister (really, really crazy) and a fame-hungry mother.  Considering the level of craziness that Britney Spears operates on, Jamie Lynn seems to have missed that genetic bullet.

Point: Ashlee Simpson. Her sister must have rubbed some of that brainless, fake-talent stuff on to her.

Talent/Career
Ashlee Simpson can’t sing (we all know that) and she can’t act, but apparently she can dance.  She was even admitted into the School of American Ballet.  Too bad she seems to be focusing on the “talents” that she doesn’t actually have, as compared to what she can do relatively well.

Jamie Lynn Spears can act (I guess) on a level that is acceptable for those who perform for the mindless preteens who watch the Disney Channel.  That’s about it.  Oh wait, her reproductive organs seem to be pretty talented…

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. As much as I hate to admit it, Ashlee Simpson actually had talent at one point. Jamie Lynn Spears just doesn’t.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Ashlee Simpson. Lack of any remaining talent + big ego + retarded name for baby (Bronx Mowgli??) + 500 other stupid things = Celebretard.  Sorry  Jamie Lynn, you need to be at least half a celebrity to get this prize.

I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

You know how every once in a while, nothing is on TV, and you’re super bored, and maybe it’s a Friday night and you have no plans, and instead of doing something productive like reading you flip around on your remote and end up watching the Disney Channel? Yeah. Don’t deny.

There’s nothing wrong with a little mindless television for kids, but what happens when you find yourself inexplicably drawn to those fresh-faced young men chirping out that positive and life-affirming Disney dialogue? You feel weird and a little dirty — and then you go online and try to find pictures. Also, any info that would allow you to stop feeling like a pedophile: i.e birthdays before 1991.

Even though all of the nubile young things listed below have all surpassed their 18th year, I can’t help but feel just the slightest bit Creepy-Old-Man-On-The-Bus whenever I look at them. Oh well. What can I say? If there are shirtless pics of these hotties somewhere on the net, I’d look at them.

I might even download.

5) Joe Jonas (Age: 19)

I know what you’re thinking. He’s probably gay. And even if he’s not gay, he’s got that whole promise ring thing going on. But I mean, forbidden fruit is always the best kind, and his hair is just luscious. Seriously. How did he get such smooth, beautiful locks? Even though I was in first grade before he was even born, I wouldn’t mind running my fingers through that perfectly styled ‘do while listening to teeny-bop songs that are really about Jesus.

4) Corbin Bleu (Age: 19)

I’ve never seen High School Musical or any of its spawn, but whenever commercials or promos pop up about it I can’t help but notice this cutie and his megawatt smile. If there’s anything I dig, it’s a giant smile — plus, I hear he dances and plays basketball at the same time (coordinated!). Also, props to him for acting along side Zac Efron and not bursting into hysterics whenever Efron does something manly.

3) David Henrie (Age: 19)

I guess he’s on a show called Wizards of Waverly Place. I’ve never seen it, but when I typed in “disney hotties” into Google his name came up. Google is right (as always) — boy IS pretty hot, and he’s got gorgeous eyes. His IMDB profile says he’s close with his family, which is great because if we ever get married I need a husband who has a good bond with the fam.

2) Josh Peck (Age: 22)

Honestly, I had no idea who Josh Peck was until I watched a bootleg copy of The Wackness a few weeks back. The movie was pretty good, and Peck was A) great in it and B) naked a few times. I see good things ahead for this chubby kiddie star turned hot serious actor, and we already know he’s cool with nude scenes. Score.

1) Ricky Ullman (Age: 22)

I happen to adore guys with thick black hair who have crazy names (Ricky’s real name is Raviv), and ever since I saw some random episode of a show called Phil of the Future I’ve been just the tiniest bit obsessed with this kid. I don’t know anything about him, but I don’ t need to. He’s hot. It’s obvious. End of story.

[Have I missed any? Don't worry, you won't get arrested...]

Speaking of TMI, I already knew the J. Bros wore promise rings. Whether Disney put a (metaphoric) gun to their head, or they really all want to wait until marriage to get it on, I never thought much about the religious implications behind those rings. Yes, certain devout Christian peeps tend to hang onto their V-cards longer than a lot of us, but I never assumed the Jonas Bros were trying to impart any kind of religious message on the impressionable youth of this sugar-pop obsessed country.

I assumed wrong.

At least according to Fox News.

The little video below — from everyone’s favorite Republican news station — illustrates a rather lackluster and idiotic debate between some lady I’ve never head of and some chick who was an MTV VJ when I was still in training pants. Their argument, whether the Jonas brothers are good for America or are going to give us figurative cavities — is stupid and subjective. The real interesting part are the titles underneath the boring people.

The first title, “Christian Controversy: Jonas Bros Openly Pro-Jesus”, and the second one a little later “Christian Teen Stars: Getting Bashed Unfairly?” are either grossly overblown or actually kind of newsworthy. Are the Jonas Brothers really openly Pro-Jesus? Are they truly promoting the Christian lifestyle? Are the kids of this Nation — many of whom aren’t Christian (I know, surprise, surprise!) being covertly fed conservative Christian ideals? Is Disney as a company promoting conservative Christianity??!

Or is Fox News just attempting to make it seem that way?

PS: the best part of this video is the fact that the music the Jonas Brothers pump out is called “punk rock“. Oh Fox News. Totally in touch with today’s youth.

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