After five years in the spotlight, Miley Cyrus’ reign of terror seems to be over. She’s taking a break from making new music and is focusing on Tweeting her acting career (which looks to be as promising as Keanu Reeves’ career). So with Miley out of the way, which diva-in-training will step up to rule the hearts and minds of America’s tweens?

Let’s break it down.

So…Miley Cyrus doesn’t like Rebecca Black. Not even a little bit. And here’s why.

But I have to wonder. I mean, isn’t that a little bit like the pot calling the kettle…well, Black? They’re both teen pop stars (or soon to be pop stars). They both appeal to a younger audience. They’re both relatively annoying super cool. But yet Miley doesn’t like the girl that has been trending on Twitter for weeks. And you want to know why?

Because it was too easy for her to get famous. Miley doesn’t think someone should be able to put up a video on YouTube and then end up with a hit single and a tour. Um, hello Miley, have you not met Justin Bieber? That’s exactly how he was discovered/got a 3D IMAX movie. So why are you singling out the newest teen queen? Why should it matter how Rebecca Black made it big?

I’m not exactly a Rebecca Black fan myself, but a lot of people are. And a lot of people actually like the song. There has to be a reason it’s selling so well on iTunes, right? So what if that all started with some YouTube hits? We don’t all have has-been country stars for dads who can get us a starring role on a Disney show. For whatever the reason (I’ll never figure that one out) Friday is a hit. Let little Miss Rebecca Black enjoy it while it lasts, Miley. Don’t complain about the how and the why just because you’re afraid the newest thirteen-year-old child star tweets and you don’t is going to steal your thunder. Rebecca Black is famous because of a YouTube video.

Deal with it.

And, BTW, if you’re really worried, you’re 18, which means you’re plenty old enough to make a new kinda YouTube video to get you back in the spotlight, if you know what I’m sayin’….

That’s all well and good, but what about Disney? You know, that company that sent her (and many starlets) on her downward spiral? What are they saying?

Nothing. Obvi.

But maybe it’s time. And I’m not talking about some boring press release or a statement from the top. Disney should do what they do best and turn their curse into TV gold. I can see it in my DVR scheduled recordings now:

Rehab: Not Another Song and Dance

The main character, a psychic girl who moonlights as an AA counselor, played by Demi Lovato, takes the show on twists and turns that will keep the audience guessing her next move. Will she smoke Salvia with her best friend? Is she going to fall off the wagon after 9 months? Can she help other Disney stars resist the urges and temptations that come with having to act like a 14-year-old and sing cheesy songs on TV?

But don’t worry, because Raven Simone, who plays the center’s sassy yet endearing cleaning lady, is always there to help out young Demi in her battles against right and wrong. And that’s not even close to where the story ends! Enter Nick Jonas, a teen who has battled his addiction with alcohol since his mother, played by Britney Spears, pushed him into his first Pampers commercial. Of course, momma is also a little too familiar with the Rehab center, so the two must work with Demi’s character to beat their diseases….while also finding themselves in the midst of shenanigans and hijinks that run rampant in Disney shows/movies/specials.

But Lovato isn’t the only one those two turn to in their time of need. Momma Spears has other problems, such as being unable to keep a steady job or boyfriend, and often visits the wise janitor at the clinic, played by Justin Timberlake, on matters concerning the heart. Could Justin sweep (literally!!) Britney off her feet?

And then we have the leading doctor, played by Hilary Duff, a young professional who battles demons of her own… in the form of a cartoon mouse whose voice is reminiscent to Tony Soprano. Will Duff do the right thing and break up with boyfriend Joe Jonas, a firefighter with a heart of gold, but a problem with keeping it in his pants? Will she be able to maintain her focus at work when her whole world crumbles around her at home? Will she hit a bong herself?

Only time will tell.

Other doctors on the clinic’s staff include twins Tia and Tamera Mowry, who enjoy playing tricks on the patients by changing places and giving them two different diagnoses, and Corbin Bleu, a new doctor to the clinic who is trying to find his way after moving from a small town in Iowa to LA. Bleu has dreams of becoming a backup dancer for J.Lo but doesn’t know how to tell his parents he is not cut out for the medical world.

The show, which is riddled with exciting songs and guest stars turned down by the Glee execs, will touch on serious issues (from Salvia to stealing jewelry to fuel a coke binge) in order to educate the channel’s young viewers about the dangers of drug addiction. You know, instead of just sweeping it under the rug yet again and hoping for the best with the new crop of stars comin’ through the Disney ranks.

I don’t know about you, but I’m excited at the prospect. At last! Something else to watch besides ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ on a Friday night!

I'm so.... tired.

And another one bites the dust.  It was announced today that Disney’s pop sensation Demi Lovato would be leaving her scheduled music tour with the Jonas Brothers and checking into rehab instead.  The official word is that she’ll be seeking treatment for emotional and physical issues, though insiders are saying her list of ailments include an eating disorder, cutting, and possibly a cocaine addiction.  So many achievements, and all before her 19^th birthday!  Looks like we might have another Lindsay Lohan on our hands with this one.

Seriously, though, what is it with Disney child stars coming completely unhinged at so young an age?  Demi is hardly the first to go from squeaky clean teen dream to coke snorting crazyface.  Though she’s got a while before working her way up in the ranks of Mickey’s family of train wrecks, God love her, she’s off to a good start.  Here’s what she’s up against:

Reigning Queen of the Disney Slums: Lindsay Lohan

I’ve lost count of how many times she’s been in and out of rehab, but despite her best mediocre efforts, something just isn’t working.  Is she there now, making another botched attempt at sobriety?  Is she in Kitson spending money she doesn’t have?  Is she at her on-again/off-again girlfriend’s house?  Is she famewhoring with her momager and 40 year-old little sister? Who knows!  One thing’s for certain, LiLo is absolutely not the precious redhead we fell in love with back in the Parent Trap days.

Princesses of Unplanned Pregnancies: The Spears Sisters

Both Britney and Jamie Lynn were Disney stars and both turned from southern sweethearts to white trash baby mamas.  Remember how wholesome Britbrit was back in her Mouseketeer days?  Well, throw in a little K-Fed and girl went weak at the knees.  Before long she was pregnant (twice), bald, and locked in the bathroom having a breakdown while holding her son hostage.  And JL?  Knocked up at 16 was hardly the route Disney was looking to take her show.  Thankfully she was fired before she could learn day drinking and mothering don’t mix.

Maiden of Naked Mirror Pics: Vanessa Hudgens

Sorry, hun, Photoshop wasn’t responsible for those scandalous pictures that spread around the internet.  Raging hormones, a full-length mirror, and a boyfriend who looks like (or is) Zac Efron would tempt any teen girl to snap some pics on her cell.  And in her case, those were exactly the culprits.  Let it be a lesson to the rest of you: panties on, phone down.

Village Idiot: Miley Cyrus

Let’s start by establishing that she’s 17.  From giving lap dances to men twice her age to grinding and writhing on the stages of seedy clubs all over the world, Destiny Hope Cyrus is just as tacky as her name implies.  I know, I know…all she wants to do is grow up and prove to everyone what an adult she is.  She grew up in the industry and is ten times savvier than I will ever be.  Okay.  She has a hot (and older) boyfriend with whom she may or may not be living.  Fine.  Her little sister is a bigger skankwhore than Miley will ever be.  True.  But still.  17, people.  She’s 17.

Missing- Petite Blonde with Horrible Extensions: Christina Aguilera

Sure, back in her Dirty days she did a brief stint in the horrifying land of Disney creations, but somehow girlfriend escaped.  Another Mouseketeer gone bad, Xtina shed her mouse ears for some assless chaps, a spray tan, and a music video that made a boxing fan of every man with access to MTV.  But from the depths, Ms. Aguilera clawed her way out.  She got a respectable haircut, married a nice Jewish man, and had a freakin’ adorable son, Max.  Cheers to the one who got away barely escaped.

So what have we learned here?  Well, for starters Disney breeds monsters.  Drunk, slutty, strung-out ones.  And if you’re in Mickey’s clutches, chances are you’re going to end up stumbling down the same path that you’re predecessors had previously puked and passed out on.  As Demi Lovato departs for some much-needed time in rehab, we can only hope she gets her mess together and seeks future employment elsewhere.

You know how every once in a while, nothing is on TV, and you’re super bored, and maybe it’s a Friday night and you have no plans, and instead of doing something productive like reading you flip around on your remote and end up watching the Disney Channel? Yeah. Don’t deny.

There’s nothing wrong with a little mindless television for kids, but what happens when you find yourself inexplicably drawn to those fresh-faced young men chirping out that positive and life-affirming Disney dialogue? You feel weird and a little dirty — and then you go online and try to find pictures. Also, any info that would allow you to stop feeling like a pedophile: i.e birthdays before 1991.

Even though all of the nubile young things listed below have all surpassed their 18th year, I can’t help but feel just the slightest bit Creepy-Old-Man-On-The-Bus whenever I look at them. Oh well. What can I say? If there are shirtless pics of these hotties somewhere on the net, I’d look at them.

I might even download.

5) Joe Jonas (Age: 19)

I know what you’re thinking: he’s probably gay. And even if he’s not gay, he’s got that whole promise ring thing going on. But I mean, forbidden fruit is always the best kind, and his hair is just luscious. Seriously. How did he get such smooth, beautiful locks? Even though I was in first grade before he was even born, I wouldn’t mind running my fingers through that perfectly styled ‘do while listening to teeny-bop songs that are really about Jesus.

4) Corbin Bleu (Age: 19)

I’ve never seen High School Musical or any of its spawn, but whenever commercials or promos pop up about it I can’t help but notice this cutie and his megawatt smile. If there’s anything I dig, it’s a giant smile — plus, I hear he dances and plays basketball at the same time (coordinated!). Also, props to him for acting along side Zac Efron and not bursting into hysterics whenever Efron does something manly.

3) David Henrie (Age: 19)

I guess he’s on a show called Wizards of Waverly Place. I’ve never seen it, but when I typed in “disney hotties” into Google his name came up. Google is right (as always) — boy IS pretty hot, and he’s got gorgeous eyes. His IMDB profile says he’s close with his family, which is great because if we ever get married I need a husband who has a good bond with the fam.

2) Josh Peck (Age: 22)

Honestly, I had no idea who Josh Peck was until I watched a bootleg copy of The Wackness a few weeks back. The movie was pretty good, and Peck was A) great in it and B) naked a few times. I see good things ahead for this chubby kiddie star turned hot serious actor, and we already know he’s cool with nude scenes. Score.

1) Ricky Ullman (Age: 22)

I happen to adore guys with thick black hair who have crazy names (Ricky’s real name is Raviv), and ever since I saw some random episode of a show called Phil of the Future I’ve been just the tiniest bit obsessed with this kid. I don’t know anything about him, but I don’ t need to. He’s hot. It’s obvious. End of story.

[Have I missed any? Don't worry, you won't get arrested...]

The Pregnant Man – Thomas Beattie became the sensation of the world in April when he appeared on Oprah to defend his choice to have a child as a transgendered man. Sticking up for your beliefs? Awesome, and definitely commendable. Eventually turning into a fame slut and marketing out your second pregnancy? Not cool. Now pregnant with his second child, Beattie has already cemented a book deal on his experience and been interviewed a second time as a ‘Barbara Walters Exclusive.’ One child is a miracle. A second one immediately afterwards is a marketing scheme.

Batsh** Insane Celebrities Across The Media - Britney, Lindsey, and others: we’re talking to you. 2008 was the year of the mental millionaire, with the world playing a captive audience to the tragic, bizarre, and sometimes just eerie behavior of celebrities. We watched Britney Spears struggle to put her life back together after divorce, Lindsey Lohan battling various addictions, and Scarlett Johansson crossing the borderline into stalker-ish about Barack Obama. Here’s the real scoop: an estimated 57.7 million adults are suffering from a diagnosable mental illness in the United States alone. What makes these celebrities any different from these people who are suffering in private besides their income and the paparazzi that shadow them? Watching people suffer is definitely a trend that shouldn’t cross over into ’09.

“Reality” Dating Shows - Now that Flavor Flav has finally hung up his clock and gone off the air, there are about thirty shows taking his place, and they’re spreading like cockroaches. Tila Tequila, the ‘Ikki Twins,’ and others are taking over Vh1 and MTV mercilessly, swamping our televisions with drunken fights (actually funny to watch), and pointless drama. Who makes their boyfriends/girlfriends eat nasty pig parts and do bizarre things in the name of love? These loveless actors do. Some dating shows range from the creepy (Date My Mom) to the outright postmortem (The Bachelor), but either way, they all need to go.

Political Ignorance/Apathy – In the year of the historical election, political action was awesome and political apathy was absolutely the anti-cool. The worst of the worse were the nonpartisans who were both apathetic and uneducated about the election. Their “why should I bother to vote” statements were both inhibiting to the democratic tradition and simply irritating. Guaranteed to piss off people who were voting, the ‘Not Voting’ demographic drew on fallacies and the platforms that they didn’t really understand to prove why they weren’t going to vote. The election was basically a two horse race, but there were still other entries available as an alternate, so not voting at all was just not cool.

Guys in Girl Jeans – It’s creepy. It’s weird. It’s a guy shopping in the same section as you in PacSun. As you put down the pair of sunglasses you were looking at and openly stare, you realize he’s not just shopping for a shirt to give to his girlfriend. He’s holding three pairs of jeans in his hand, and there’s no girlfriend in sight. As you watch, he takes the jeans and starts walking to the dressing rooms. You are not witnessing a confused shopper. You’re witnessing the Girl Jean Phenomenon, a plague of 2008 pop culture, and a trend that needs to die on December 31st. Guys wearing our jeans is not cool or edgy. It’s just lame and, now, overplayed.

Saturday Night Live – Is it still going? It’s been in the process of becoming painfully unfunny in the years since Will Ferrell left, and now with the exit of Amy Poehler, we just need to euthanize it. A classic sketch show that began in 1975 with genuinely funny people, SNL has run over six hundred episodes of pure comedic bliss continuously for thirty-three years. As with all great series, though, the time has come to put SNL out of its misery before it becomes the kind of joke it used to make.

Churning Out Tween Pop Stars By The Dozen – If child enslavement was defined as being manufactured on a kids’ show and being shoved on the masses, Disney and Nickelodeon would be doing massive amounts of time in jail. The list of sugary sweet music artists includes, but definitely is not limited to The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Demi What’s-Her-Name, That Miranda Kid, and a host of others, few if any of whom have actual talent. But you wouldn’t know, because should you approach any method of media that is playing a song by them, you’ll be deafened instantly and hopelessly by the cacophony of shrieking that erupts. The Original Disney Channel Star, Hilary Duff, unfortunately started it all when she split from Disney in 2004 to pursue a solo career (which caused a big fuss, if I remember right). She was an original, at least for the Disney Channel. These cookie cutter kids? About as generic as it gets.

Agree or disagree? Think something else should have made the list? Voice your opinions below, and tell us what you think about the worst pop culture in 2008!