Americans are well known for their affection for, and addiction to, theme parks.  We have Disney Land, Disney World, Lego Land, Sea World, and a plethora of other immensely entertaining places.  What we don’t have is a theme park about sex.  Guess who else doesn’t have one?  China.

While that may sound like a no-brainer, China was recently set to open a theme park called Love Land.  It was meant to promote open sexual discussion in a society where tradition and conservatism still reign with an iron fist.  The park was to feature huge reproductions of male and female genitalia, how-to workshops and other fun activities and displays.  However, all of that was razed today after a weekend inspection by government officials deemed the park vulgar and sensational.  Well, duh, but how awesome is that?

The question is: where’s ours?  Don’t we as Americans, especially young and virile Americans, deserve a theme park dedicated to our favorite pastime?  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Mickey Mouse and friends, but I would much rather spend a hot summer day sweating it up on sex toys and whatnot than random cartoon characters (because that’s just creepy).

Just think of all the possibilities: roller coasters based on the Kama Sutra (“It’s a wild ride!”), water slides that really get you wet (tee hee), and a nightly fireworks display that heats things up.

Now that China has put its foot down and stomped out the sexy times, is an erotic theme park fated to be only a delicious pipe dream for those long summer days?  For those lucky enough to be in the general area of South Korea, the answer is no!  Love Land actually exists on Jeju Island and visitors can experience many of the same exhibitions and activities that were set to open in China: giant statues of genitalia, how-to masturbation and sex position exhibits, and lots of yummy works of erotic art.

Masturbation? Art? Penis? Sex? Hot Asian men? How much is a plane ticket to South Korea again? Oh yeah….  Well, until the day comes where I can get a flight to South Korea for less than the price of an entire semester, I’ll have to settle for the American Love Land.

As in, the Love Land that exists in all of our bedrooms and can’t be torn down. Take that, China!

While they can be cute to watch for awhile, for the most part it is extremely annoying to be walking along a street while fifty people surrounding you are walking at a glacial pace in order to take pictures of the same thing. You try not to bother with these flowery shirt folks, but it’s pretty inevitable that you will eventually come across one sooner or later.

So no matter where you are, here are some ways to spot, and hopefully avoid, tourists.

An abundance of fanny packs: Fanny packs seem to be the universal fashion wear for any tourist and a prime target to look for when spotting said tourist. These extra hip appendages also come in handy for any muggers looking for fresh meat.

Anyone wearing a fanny pack might as well be wearing a shirt that says ‘I AM A TOURIST! ROB ME!’ Not only are you making yourself easy bait for pick pockets and other crazy people, but these zippered pouches just look plain stupid hanging from your side like that. The fact is, whether you’re a tourist or not, fanny packs are never, ever, considered sexy. Now take it off and put your wallet in your pocket where it’s supposed to be.

Hordes of families wearing obnoxious colored matching shirts: For some reason parents think it is a brilliant idea to dress their whole family in lime green (or neon pink/bright orange) t-shirts. And of course these brightly colored shirts are decorated with ‘The Smith Family’ pasted on the back, just in case someone would forget what family he belonged to.

Not only are these shirts reserved for ridiculously large groups, but these groups use their numbers to their advantage. One time when my family and I were at Disney World, a matching fuchsia wearing family literally stampeded to each ride. I swear it was like the wildebeest scene in The Lion King. No one dared get in the way of this flying rainbow herd and my poor non-matching family was left in the dust.

Snail paced walkers: Tourists seem to have one speed: super slow. It takes all the willpower I have not to reach out and push these slow walkers out of the way. Why are you moving so slow?? You can see everything the same way by walking normal speed. The worst is if these people walk in a line side by side on the sidewalk, thus preventing anyone else from getting by. Or if they’re carrying bear-sized suitcases. You can’t just stroll along on your merry way on a busy street with luggage the size of a human being! I find that the best way to handle these situations is by using a little rough force to get by. In this case it is a good thing I have bony elbows.

A sudden rise of photographers: Now, no tourist would be complete without an extremely large camera used to take pictures of something random every three steps they take. I have found that this epidemic is especially bad in New York’s Time Square. I can only wonder why someone would take so many pictures of one building. That building’s not going anywhere, one picture is enough!

Besides, they all look the same, you silly tourist. There is no need for twenty billion of you to stand there outside of the McDonald’s taking pictures in front of the big M. And why don’t you try taking a picture while walking at the same time? Is it really essential to stop in groups of twelve outside the subway station? “Look, here’s me in front of Times Square subway.” “Here’s me next to a New York rock.” Learn to take pictures without blocking streets or you will find that camera in your hand turned into a smashed piece of junk by an unruly local.

Got any other ways to spot a tourist in your city / town? Let us know!

[Photo. www.thedisneyblog.com]

This is where working at the Disney park becomes some people’s dream. Some girls, deluded as they may be, are completely validated by having some balding old man tell them that they look even the slightest like Sleeping Beauty. I am not one of those girls, but I am a “cast member” at Disney World (that’s the special term Disney made up so their employees would buy into their spread-the-magic BS).

Up until I left for school this year, I was a dancer in various stage shows at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, and believe me, it is not always the happiest place on Earth. Dancing around in 105 degree heat, pumping my arms and lip-syncing about how we’re all in this together?!

Not my idea of a good time.

Now that I’m transferring back to Florida, I’m reapplying, but this time…this time I’ve made what could turn out to be a big mistake. I’m applying as a “face character” — or, as you non-brainwashed Disney fiends would call it — a princess.

So stay tuned….because I’m going to show you the dirty side of Disney. The creepy, backwards, sometimes offensive, always shockingly hilarious side of Disney. And you can all live vicariously through my quest to become a Disney princess.

While some girls are applying to live out their dreams, I’m applying for the pay raise. Hey, I’d settle for an ugly stepsister….as long as they’re on the same pay scale.