The best (and worst) movie Santas

We love Dita Von Teese

How to pull off a cape coat

Former pop punk royalty Ashlee and Pete are divorced

Imagining Harry and Pippa as lovers

Are Americans more risky in bed?

The best weatherproof shoes for this season

Red Hot Chili Peppers gets the Rock and Roll treatment

Is a gap year worth it?

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Nary has there every been a time in fashion when everyone looked so confused.  In one city block you can walk past an early 90′s blazer, liquid leggings a la the 80′s, gorgeous leather oxfords from the 40′s, a dress from sometime in the future, and a million other things that make me wish for an unlimited platinum credit card.  I love it.

What I don’t love is an outfit which looks like an advertisement for Skanks-R-Us or some strange, preppy love child of Hot Topic.  In my book, the two worst offenders are Lady GaGa and Katy Perry.  That is, when they’re wearing clothes.  And it seems clothing (or the lack there of) is the least of their problems…

Music
Lady GaGa has some sweet tunage.  I’ll admit that whenever one of her songs comes on in the bar, I am the first one out on the dance floor gettin’ down.  However, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little dirty and used afterward.  Disco stick?  You hurt me, Lady GaGa.  You hurt me.

Katy Perry can pen some catchy lyrics.  I used to find myself constantly saying aloud “I kissed a girl and I liked it” to the delight of my boyfriend and his friends.  I’m not sure if I like that.  In fact, I’ll go so far as to say every time I sing a Katy Perry song, my IQ drops a couple points.

Point: Katy Perry. I have beer pong and hulu to destroy my brain cells – I don’t need your inane lyrics as well.

Fashion
Lady GaGa wears crazy shiznit.  Mostly on her head or in her hair, because I can’t remember the last time I saw pants on that girl. In fact, the first time I ever saw Lady GaGa when she performed on one of the late night talk shows, I specifically remember asking my friend…”Did she not have enough time to put on pants or…?”

Katy Perry is committed to the 1940s/1950s style she’s adopted.  She throws in a few rando pieces every now and then (half groom/half bride outfit, what?), but she’s pretty dedicated.  Oh but wait – don’t we have Dita Von Teese already reppin’ the WWII era for us? Yeah…yeah we do.

Point: Katy Perry. Girl, you better go and think up something original before Dita comes after you with her spike heels.

Nudity
Lady GaGa loves the nakedness.  A lot.  In fact, she’s half naked most of the time.  I’m just saying – pants/skirts can be awesome style pieces as well.  Just try some…

Katy Perry also enjoys nudity.  She showed up to a couple award shows in barely-there outfits and posted a picture of herself in a bathtub (naked, of course) eating pizza.  I mean…how else would you eat your pizza?

Point: Lady GaGa. Despite Katy Perry’s tub picture, Lady GaGa is just way more dedicated to a constant state of near-nudity.

Love Life
Lady GaGa has said plenty of times how her first love is music and from the looks of it, she’s sticking to that statement.  Even though her songs detail sexy club awesomeness, she’s pretty tame on the love front.  Little disappointing for someone with a flaming bra.

Katy Perry has been linked on and off again with Travis McCoy, the frontman for Gym Class Heroes.  She’s pretty flirty and has been spotted on the arms of other dudes here and there.  No wild nights in Vegas?  No girl-on-the-side?  Lame.

Point: Tie. I want gossip, damnit.  Go forth and get retarded.

Gossip Presence
Lady GaGa has a huge media presence…mostly because of the weird crap she wears (or the stuff that she doesn’t wear).  She’s also besties with Perez Hilton (whyyyyyyy???), so he makes sure she’s always represented.

Katy Perry tries to have a media presence, but she’s been flying under the radar recently (perhaps not quite on purpose).  Her naked pizza eating picture kind of smelled of a greedy attention whore…just saying.

Point: Katy Perry. Posting pictures of yourself in the bath to Twitter just to get yourself noticed again = Fail.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Katy Perry. Despite the intense and increasingly alarming fashion choices of Lady GaGa, Katy Perry is starting to reek of desperation.  Let’s hope she can take a cue from her more successful peers and sling back a couple shots of orginality.

I was born with a skin-tone that falls somewhere between “fresh milk” and “blank paper.” I’ve heard every “where are the Seven Dwarves?” and “Ah! You’re blinding me!” joke in existence, replacing my joyful anticipation of summer with an ominous dread. As girls with non-glow-in-the-dark skin flounce down the street in their shorts and minis, my legs have been relegated to hot, dark jeans.

In years past, in order to reach the deep, savage “normal-people” color I have so longed for, I have resorted to the religious application of self-tanners, which, while making me darker, have also made me smellier. And we all know nothing is more appealing to a man than a girl who smells like chemicals and has weird, orange-streaked sheets. And to top it all off, after my daily self-tanning regimen, there would almost inevitably come the cruel mockery of the phrase “you’re so light!”

Sigh.

And so, after too many self-conscious summers, with my shorts (and skin) hidden away, I have decided to forget my regimens, leave the jeans at home and embrace the light. That’s right, I’m pale, so suck it! White is in this season!

Sisters of the Pale Force, let us unite! Forget about smelly self-tanners and tedious bronzers; slap on some sun screen and go. Go out in your shorts, your skirts, your tank tops and bikinis! Stop risking your health, your money and your time trying to be something that you’re not. Fair skin is beautiful and we should embrace it, not hide it! After all, in 20 years all those perfectly bronzed girls will be getting Botox and we’ll be getting the younger men!

I don’t know who decided that tan is beautiful; clearly they had never seen Dita Von Teese’s porcelain skin. Or Nicole Kidman’s. Summer ’09 is the season of pale, so bring. it. on.

And to anyone who has a problem seeing past our legs: put on your sunglasses, that’s what they’re for.

Of course, no celebs are immune to the occasional “what the hell were they thinking?” moment, but for the most part, these celebs look foxy and fabulous and inspire us all to do the same.]

Dita Von Teese is famous for her infinitely sexy burlesque act (I actually saw her perform at a small party a few years back, and let me say, it is quite spectacular), and for having been married to freakish Marilyn Manson. Lately, however, she has been getting a new sort of notoriety: for her fabulous style.

Dita stands on her own as the Diva of Retro. She pulls off this look with vintage-inspired clothing, dramatic coloring and her signature pin-up hair and ruby red lips. She is a dream for many couture designers such as Marchesa, Vivienne Westwood, Roland Mouret and Christian Dior/John Galliano, as their gowns perfectly hug her amazing and almost unbelievable hourglass figure. She accentuates the beauty of her classic looks by adding fun and flirty accessories like sky-high heels and funky hats.

Dita embodies glamour like no one else and makes it look effortless in the process; that’s enough for me (or anyone) to consider her a Style Idol of our time.

Understand the economy with Chris Farley movies

At last, something to do with your ex’s testicles once you cut them off

Celeb camel toe AND mom jeans alert

Disney on Depressants

Howard Stern ties the knot, Mr. Kelly Ripa officiates, celebrities now control the universe

Britney channels the other Madonna

Diddy is afraid of Palin

It’s official, Kate Moss has a golden vajayjay

The sham is almost over…

Dita Von Always Looks Awesome

St. Tyra declaws a catfight

Holly finally realized Hef is old

Dear God, I wish I didn’t see this. Can someone please get this woman into rehab? (Or my bikini waxer?)

With airline ticket costs soaring, some people are coming up with more creative ways to travel.

Thank God for United States Postal Workers; delivering our mail…and finding old ladies trapped under cars.

Mini Me isn’t so mini…if you know what I’m sayin’.

Women aren’t the only ones with a biological clock.

Everyone loves bacon!

Retro Sexy: Dita Von Teese does it best

Corey Haim just can’t win.

John McCain hates bloggers. Well, Mr. McCain: we hate you too.

OMFG!!! Madonna and JT are HOT in her new video

Mariah trumps The King

Oh hey, Jamie Lynn Spears is still pregnant

When I think gold lamé leggings, I think Woody Allen

McDreamy for McAvon

Hillary is f*cking Obama

Heidi Montag is, like, totally a feminist hero

Dita Von Teese: former hardcore porn star, blonde

Leno apologizes over gay remarks

Science explains what therapy doesn’t: mama’s boys

• Jamie Lynn Spears is giving up her baby.

• Super-sexy celeb hair makeovers

• Why is Bill Maher not on this list?

• Cameron Diaz and Eva Mendes love to burp and fart

• Let your soul glow with Mr. Rays Hair Weave.

• If you don’t know this band, you should.

• The best worst collection of Olan Mills photos ever

• Nobody’s interested in Ashlee Simpson’s nose

• Say bye bye to John Mayer the blogger

• Dita Von Teese is the new Wonderbra Wondergirl.

• Panic at the Disco is hitting the road.

Thanks to this article, I have recently changed my stance.

I no longer think Marilyn Manson is lame. I think he’s SUPER FANTASTICALLY LAME.

The man/boy/Lipsticked Wonder recently left his pretty and age appropriate wife for a girl who is almost twenty-five years younger. Yup. Seemingly normal Evan Rachel Wood is currently getting cozy with the guy, allowing him to not feel his age—which is 38—in case you were wondering. “She likes the same things as me.” Manson recently told some French magazine, “She understands I like to get up when night falls and go to sleep at dawn.”

Ugh. Please. This guy takes himself so seriously it makes me want to puke. Almost as much as picturing him naked.

Evan, Rachel, whatever people are calling you these days, wake up and smell the pasty white face make-up! He’s a loser with a huge head. You can do better.

What do you think about this unlikely pairing?

And speaking of teasing, what about your current spokeswoman, Dita Von Teese? You couldn’t have picked a better representative for your culture. A 22” waist – which can be laced down to a 16 incher – with raven hair and milk skin… all she needs is seven or so dwarves and she’d be Snow White incarnate.

That said, I am devastated to see that she has crossed that delicate, seemingly ineffable line between bare burlesque and pure pornography. After spending years leaving just enough to our imaginations, she has spread her legs for the latest issue of Penthouse. The fantasy has been destroyed. Meh.

At least she still looks beautiful.

What do you think about Dita Von Teese al’ natural?