I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy.

But alas I was wrong. Instead, I was treated to a one page enigma trying to draw a distinct line between playing it cool and being aloof. If generations of stitch-n-bitching hasn’t nailed this down, Cosmo, I highly doubt that you’ve suddenly discovered the perfect way to play “the game.” But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we get to the mind bottling (yes I am one of the 5 people who saw Blades of Glory) conclusion, let’s explore Cosmo’s genius reasoning as to why “Today, it’s not a woman’s money, prestige or beauty that is so enticing, but more a cocktail of personality traits and, yes, a certain bitchiness,” that win over men.

Cosmo Says: “We noticed in December…how baseball play Alex Rodriguez shamelessly followed Madonna around like a little poodle…Clearly, as Madonna proves, being ballsy and comfortable with oneself is a big turn-on.”

Kari Says: Ok, I’ll buy it. I’m down with female empowerment and self confidence. The only problem with Madonna’s “Ballsiness” is that the average guy might find it a little too literal. I mean, most guys in my dating range aren’t major league baseball players desperate for someone to dominate them. Actually, the idea of a 50 year old body builder in a top hat and sequined spandex bossing them around just doesn’t sound too appealing (or so I’m told). So perhaps Madonna isn’t exactly the best role model for this “fierce type of female allure.”

Cosmo Says: “Another part of the mix is appearing as anything but needy…Simply put, showing a bit of ‘I like you, but I could live without you’ attitude is intriguing to men.”

Kari Says: Wait—so it’s bad if I tell him that will die without his love after the second drink he buys me? What if I just explain to him that I’m totally available at any given time that he wants to hang out, just so he knows that he won’t have to worry about rejection? Oh, those are both bad? Well, thank goodness you finally published this article, Cosmo, I don’t know how you didn’t discover this groundbreaking attitude decades earlier.

Cosmo Says: “A third component of this woman’s draw is that she turns herself into a prize worth seeking.”

Kari Says: Hm, where to begin. I guess I’ll start where Cosmo completely devalues women as people and suggests that we objectify ourselves to obtain suitable partners. So much for feminism, the trick to being a worthwhile human being is to be a really great potential girlfriend! And the only way to do so is to make myself into a “prize worth seeking.” Did the scene on Jasmine’s balcony in Aladdin mean nothing to you, Cosmo? And I quote: “ I am not a prize to be won!” Christ, if Disney could get it right…

Cosmo Says: “What isn’t as important as you think? Appearance. Also, don’t employ aloofness—it’s too old school.”

Kari Says: Alright, inner beauty. Nice recovery Cosmo, after the whole trophy GF thing. I’m just a bit confused considering that your advice to let him know that I could “live without him.” Would that be considered aloof? See, there’s the problem with trying to specifically label aloofness and intrigue. Whatevs, I have faith that your final paragraph will lead me unerringly to man-magnetism.

Cosmo Says: “Finally, be aware that while guys like a chase, they ultimately want a reward. By maintaining a you-can’t-touch-this vibe for even a bit too long, you just might drive him away.”

Kari Says: WHAT?!?! That was completely inconclusive! You just cancelled out everything else you told me to do! And moreover, that is totally not a “new attitude.” It’s just some incredibly vague advice. So basically what I have to do to find a decent guy is act like a bitch, then act like Madonna, then be aloof, then sacrifice my worth as a woman, then DON’T be aloof, and most importantly, don’t wait too long to put out or he’ll get bored. Thank you, Cosmo, for once again reaffirming that you know all concerning love, lust and womanhood.

What did you think of “The Bitchy Little Move Men Love?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it bamboozled me. Any other complaints? I personally found it hard to believe that all Marissa Miller does to maintain her Victoria’s Secret bod are those cute little stretches on pg 159. Are you scared to orgasm thanks to pg 140? Let’s hear it.

I cheated on my last boyfriend.

No, it wasn’t a long, torrid love affair. It wasn’t kinky sex with a Jeremy Piven lookalike. In fact, there was no sex involved. All I did was make out with a co-worker. But still, cheating is cheating, so tonsil hockey still counts in my book. It also counted in my boyfriend’s book. And it counted in his sister’s book…and she was the one who witnessed the fiasco.

It was innocent enough; I didn’t intend to cheat. I wasn’t emotionally attached to my co-worker. We just got blackout drunk at a bar and swapped saliva for about half an hour.

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I’d done something wrong. Yup, I had. My boyfriend’s sister asked me if I remembered making out with “Frank.” Immediately, my heart sank. I got dizzy. I wanted to throw up. My mind started racing a mile a minute, as is standard anxiety-attack protocol. Why would I do something like that with Frank, a guy I had absolutely no interest in, when I was happy and in love with her brother?

A lot of people will disagree with me for saying this, but cheating can be hard on the cheater. I was ashamed of myself, I cried, and I regretted doing so many shots the night before. What’s a cheater to do when they’ve crossed the line with someone else?

1. Ask yourself if it meant anything. Did you cheat because you like the other guy? Do you want a relationship with him? Did you cheat because you aren’t happy with your current boyfriend? I think in my case, deep down, I was scared, because I was in the most serious relationship I’d ever been in. Things were moving fast, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be shackled down and on the fast track to Housewifesville. I think that’s why I dabbled with a guy who meant nothing to me. But that’s my own conclusion. If you’ve cheated on any level (and there are some people out there who believe in emotional cheating as well), you need to get to the root of your own behavior before you can move on and deal with it with your man.

2. Weigh the options: To tell, or not to tell. I pretty much had to tell my boyfriend, because I am the dumbass who decided to cuckold her man in front of his sister. She probably would have told him if I hadn’t done it myself. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t have told, because my conscience gets to me if I snap at a telemarketer, and I probably would have been guilt-ridden for the remaining duration of my relationship if I’d kept it quiet. On the other hand, to what degree does “What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him” apply? Like I said, I wasn’t into my cheating-partner AT ALL. It never happened again, and Frank and I never talked about our random makeout sesh. So even though it meant nothing to Frank and me, it meant a lot of pain for my boyfriend. That said, you have to seriously consider all of the consequences and do what you think is most fair to your man. I’m not saying “Don’t tell him, and avoid being dumped,” because sorry, cheater, you brought this on yourself. But I do believe that there may be some instances where your man might be better off not knowing. That part’s up to you.

3. Talk to him. If you do decide to come clean, the “Hey, sweetie, I collected a DNA sample from another dude” talk isn’t going to be pretty. Telling the truth might be the moral way to go, but you have to realize that when you tell him you cheated, you are putting the ball completely in his court. From here, it’s really his decision as to whether you two work things out, or whether he kicks your ass to the curb. He might need some time to think about things, or you may have to have several discussions to work it out. You have to be patient with your guy– after all, you made the decision to cheat in the first place, so you’ll have to reap what you sew.

4. Prepare for the future. If you have the talk and decide to work things out, you have to commit to NOT cheating again, ever. If your guy can forgive you once, that’s great, but don’t test him a second time. Also, even if he does forgive you, it might be difficult (or even impossible) to get back to the way things were before. He might have difficulty trusting you, and, if he knows the guy you cheated with, he probably won’t want you hanging out with that guy again.

While it’s normal to have a few bumps in the road as you try to work things out, don’t let your guy guilt-trip you forever. Remember, you were honest enough to come clean and work things out, but you don’t deserve to have your mistake hanging over your head for the rest of your life. If you can work things out as mature adults, good for you. If you can’t, and he leaves you, it might suck for a while, but in the end, it was probably meant to be. Another guy will come along… and hopefully you will have learned your lesson and be more faithful the next time around.

Just last week, a coworker exclaimed, “Kathryn, you have no game. Your entire approach is off!” Yes, this is true. But somehow, I still get some action, which is why she followed her (rather harsh) declaration with the question, “How do you do it?”

Still, no matter how many times I’ve immediately wished I could retract the bizarre statement that just came out of my mouth, I’ve also been with, or had friends who have been with, equally hopeless guys.

Reviewing my own traumatic events, as well as some of my friends’ bizarre sexual encounters, I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst things to say during sex. Because I’m a woman, they are written from a female perspective, but each of these can be just as cringe-worthy coming from a guy.

1. “Ohhhh, Michael… I mean… Dan?”

Make sure you know the name of the person you’re inviting past the pearly gates. Calling someone by another name will at once crush your partner’s ego and make you look sleazy. Once, I was hooking up with a guy and he proceeded to pour out his feelings for another girl… and try to get my advice on how to go about courting her. That really sucked, and he was pissed when I cut our session short.

2. “Why does your penis curve like that?”

There’s a variety of awkward comments that can damage a guy’s self esteem. Talking about size, shape, or “unique” sexual patterns can make him feel on edge. It goes for women, too. If you’re on top, do you want him to comment on the way your breasts jiggle in his face? No. During sex, both parties should feel sexy. Even if you like way his penis curves because it hits your G-spot just right, you shouldn’t ask why his genetic attributes are different than anyone else’s that you’ve ever been with. Asking “why” can easily be taken the wrong way. Instead, try a more positive approach, and encourage his tactics. Being vocal is a great way for both of you to get the most pleasure from your sexual experience, but try to use a more optimistic choice of words.

3. “So, how do you think you did on the Econ exam?”

Safe, casual sex is common among many college students. I know plenty of people who have had friends with benefits, no strings attached. You don’t have to fake it and scream expletives or pledge your love to someone if you’re not really that ecstatic. But you still don’t want sex to get so casual that you’re typing a take-home exam on your laptop while he’s doing you doggy style.

4. “I totally thought my cheating ex gave me something, but I got it checked out.”

The STD-talk is smart. But you should have that conversation before the condom even comes out. Saying, “I’ve been tested, but we should still use protection” is hot. Waiting until he’s thrusting away to bring up a past scare or an ounce of current doubt is not. Besides, leave any emotional baggage your ex left you with at the door. Your partner doesn’t want to know you’re thinking about someone else (especially an ex), and he definitely doesn’t want to waste the rest of your tryst with visions of penicillin dancing in his head.

5. “Did we use a condom?”

Guys taking advantage of drunk girls is very serious. On the other hand, if you got a little too drunk to use your best judgment, he might not have known. If you threw yourself at him and then admit it was just the liquor talking– ouch. Furthermore, if you can’t remember to insist on using protection, you shouldn’t be having sex. Period. Asking if he was responsible enough to watch out for you suggests that you might have been with other guys who weren’t so nice, and, like #4, make him worry about where you’ve been. There were a couple of times that I got a little out of control with my boyfriend, and the night was–to put it nicely–a blur. Of course, I didn’t want to let on that I didn’t remember the best sex he thought he’d ever given me, so I bit my tongue on that one.

Even if you are guilty of uttering one or more of the above, it’s not the end of the world. You can still learn from your mistakes and polish your game. Besides, I’d much rather make a verbal faux-pas than a physical one. Like if the answer to #5 is “No, we didn’t use a condom, were we supposed to?”

Anybody else have any Tourettes encounters in the sack?

Pandas pressured to procreate–would some panda porn help?

Disney perpetuates false expectations one bridal gown at a time

“The Hills” movie–would you really expect anything less?

Did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tie the knot?

Hey mom, can I borrow $4,000 to go to Porn Camp this summer?

Celeb birthday bash I least want to attend

On second thought, Maury–I’ll take care of that paternity test, OK?

John Mayer is awesome. Got it?

Paris Hilton: “I’m an inspiration“

I don’t care what you say: Madonna is fierce