However, I’m able to cut MTV some slack because they aren’t always the network that shows hot people doing dumb things 24/7. Every once in awhile they cook up an awesome little nugget of TV goodness with some real substance. For example, they devote a decent amount of airtime to True Life. I’m pretty sure the only way you’d not know about True Life is if you had been living under a rock (or without basic cable) for the last ten years, but just in case you don’t know, every ep of True Life tells the entirely true story of 2 or 3 young people who are dealing with a particular issue. Sometimes its personal (“I’m Afraid of Intimacy”), other time it’s situational (“I Have A Summer Share ”), but either way it’s always AWESOME.

The only problem with True Life? There are just so.many.amazing.episodes – and equally as many that never air more than once. Actually this story ended up taking me a lot longer to write than originally planned because I spent more time watching the episodes online than writing about them. (Which reminds me – thank you MTV for putting these all online!) However, I was eventually able to peel my eyeballs away from the episodes and back to my open Word document to write up this list of my faves:

1) I Have OCD – So interesting. The dude who sniffs his armpits over and over? Classic television.
2) I Live Another Life on the Web – If this journalism thing doesn’t work out, this episode showed me I can always show my boobs on the internet for cash.
3) I’m Addicted to Crystal Meth – Enough said.
4) I Have Tourette’s Syndrome – The guy who spills a drink on his date warms my heart. I think tics are kinda cute.
5) I’m Uncomfortable with My New Body – Lots of sagging skin. Gross, but really interesting nonetheless.
6) I’m Getting Married – “I will gut you like a fish!” Sabrina & Charlie will always be my favorite TV couple.

Honorable Mentions: “I’m Jealous,” “I Panic,” “I Work in the Sex Industry,” “I’m Supporting My Family,” “I’m Obese,” “I Hate My Small Breasts” (a girl’s mother actually ENCOURAGES her to get breast implants by asking for donations from sugar daddies online!), and “I’m Competitive with My Friends.”

I just can’t wait until True Life: I’m Addicted to True Life comes out. An hour of watching me watch TV? Now that’s quality programming…

Check out True Life On Demand and watch some of these episodes online.

Okay, I know I’m not the only one obsessed. What are some of your fave episodes of True Life?

My future is totally effed!

College Life. A show not worth watching. This is fact. I could list off a million better things to do with those 30 minutes. Like listing off a million better things to do with those 30 minutes. Or listing all the reasons why I’m so glad I did not have a camera following me around in college.

Since it takes place at my Alma Mater – University of Wisconsin – I always envision the kind of crazy fun I would have brought to the show if it was around while I was in college. I would have ROCKED the over-priced Juicy Couture socks off that show. (Really, Juicy Couture SOCKS?)

But let’s face it:  had I broadcast those best four years on national television, I would have had a lot of explaining to do to my Grandma. And my dentist. And my mailman. And I probably wouldn’t have a job. And then there is always that chance that an annoying nickname would be made up for me by Perez or some other media blogger. Or that MTV would force me to re-create my fights with those long awkward stares and silences that just make everyone uncomfortable.

So instead of watching College Life (or working out, cooking, doing my laundry, or catching up on my reading), I chose to spend my time making a list of the reasons why I am SO happy that I never had the chance to even consider going on it.

* Every year in Madison, the first Saturday of May is known as Mifflin Street Block Party. This goes way back to the days of yore.  To the days when kegs first began and someone thought it was a good idea to fill an entire street with kegs. Police are there by the hundreds – not to arrest you, but to cheer you on. Except after I hit up all the houses on the block, I dropped my phone. In a Sewer. And the police were more interested in the keg stands down the street than helping me get my phone.

So with a slew of drunkies cheering my name like I was JT about to take the stage at Madison Square Garden, we lifted that sewer cover.  I stretched my arm out like Stretch Armstrong (a miracle almost rivaling when Moses split the sea) and I got my phone back. Which really was a miracle because I lost my camera the year before and couldn’t imagine calling my parents again telling them of another technological mishap.

Had I been on TV, though, they would have known about that, my underage drinking, and why my purse smelled like hot garbage after that.  And it would not have been pretty.

* Unfortunately, the facts that follow are 100% true: I had a crush. A big time crush. He liked to drink. A Lot.  He got drunk. He wanted to drive. He finally got his keys and tore down the street towards his car. His friends, too busy at an A-bar, didn’t care to go after him. But someone did. And that someone was me.

I chased said crush down the street in my heels and ran faster and more embarrassingly than the way Phoebe ran on Friends. While running, my boobs popped out over my tank. And they stayed there for a good while. Flashing EVERYONE on a very main street on campus.  A very out of breath me then tried to stop him from getting in his car. I failed. Conceding, I turned to walk home. And then tucked my boobs back into my tank-top.

Other times I was so happy to not have a camera around:
* The countless times abroad I stepped in dog/horse sh*t and got it all. over. my. Uggs.
*The time I drank too much Franzia and was asked to leave the bar for being sick in the bathroom.
* The fact that I drank Franzia at all.
*The time I thought it was a great idea to dye my very dark brown hair BLONDE in Italy.
* My abroad trip to Amsterdam.
* The time freshman year I was so overly PMS-y that when I went to talk to my TA, I ended up BAWLING in her chair. I then stopped at McDonalds on the way home, got a kids meal and sat on my bed in french-fry heaven. I did however get an A on my next paper…
*Any time I was trying to throw some game at a guy. Seriously, no one needs to see that. No one.
* That one time I came home late night, tore apart everything in the kitchen, woke up the next morning clutching a two liter bottle of orange soda with pizza sauce on my chin and chocolate on my cheek.

Oh wait - did I say one time? Yeah, by one time I  actually mean every Thursday, Friday and Saturday for FOUR YEARS.  Who needs a camera to add 15 pounds when late night pizza does the same exact thing?

The truth is, college is best lived when no one’s watching. Or when the only people watching are the ones in the trenches with you. Facebook photos are bad enough – I don’t need video documentation of the most 4 debaucherous years of my life.

Did you do your part to celebrate Earth Day this year? Maybe you showered with your man to conserve water or skipped the cardboard sleeve on your Starbucks to reduce paper waste. As for me, I went to a showing of DisneyNature’s new documentary film, Earth.

If you are into the kind of documentaries that make you feel incredibly guilty for living a lifestyle full of gas guzzling cars, 30 minute hot showers and an “ignorance is bliss” attitude, then this movie is not for you! Going in, I expected a deep-voiced narrator (most-likely Morgan Freeman) to describe how keeping my laptop charger plugged in is contributing to the deaths of adorable, innocent baby polar bears, but was pleasantly surprised at the opposite.

This film didn’t make me feel like a bag of crap for living in a world of consumerism. There was no finger pointing and guilt tripping here! However, the gorgeous views from around the world (and the stories of amazing animals) did make me think twice about not recycling my Red Bull. Instead of laying it on thick about the importance of what humans can do to help the planet, the narrator takes the viewer on a trip around the globe to educate you on the things we forget even exist.

Did you know that the Rainforest makes up only 3% of our land mass, but contributes more than 50% of our Earth’s oxygen? Not only did that fact blow my mind, but it inspired me to spend a Saturday not hungover in bed, but outside planting a garden instead.

But the facts and information presented were nothing compared to the film’s photography; I have never seen ocean water so crystal clear or trees so lushly green. Imagine what it would be like to take a helicopter tour over Hawaii and you can get an idea of what watching this movie was like. I especially loved the time lapsed sequences when you could watch a flower bloom in seconds and see an entire continent turn green with growth. My mouth hung open in awe at what our planet can do!

Oh, and the animals!  Watching the baby polar bears play in the snow had my heart melting along with the ice caps; and nothing is cuter than a furry little butt (as long as it’s on an animal and not my man).

The OCD bird who was obsessed with cleaning up his nest to attract a female had me cracking up in my seat. I barely know any guys who would go to the trouble of picking up a sock, let alone scour his room to spic-and-span standards! Those “chicks” in the forest have it made! When you’re not laughing at the birds, you’ll be rooting for several animal families as they run from predators and risk their lives in search of food and shelter. After learning that elephants trek for over a month just to find a drink of water, you’ll never hear me complain about a 3 mile run again (well, maybe).

If you haven’t gone to see this film yet, I am urging you to run out and buy a ticket. This is one documentary that is anything but boring and won’t have you feeling guilty when you do have to print out that 10 page essay or go for a drive. You’ll be cracking up at the animals, mouthing “WOW” at the gorgeous sights and become inspired to do your part to keep our world as beautiful as it has always been.

Don’t forget to stay for the ending credits! You can catch a hilarious blooper of the filmmakers crashing into a tree in their hot-air balloon. High comedy, I promise!

After 3 years of going batsh*t insane, tonight Britney breaks her silence. And we here to cover it all as it happens. Live. Wanna get in on the fun? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below. Now, let’s see what Britney has to say…

10:00: Here Goes! Britney explains why she wanted to do this film…and sounds sorta drunk.

10:02: Papa Spears in a wife-beater making cheese grits. Somehow this is exactly what I was expecting from this documentary.

10:04: Britney doesn’t like the reference to a “comeback.” She never really left, in her eyes. Clearly the past 3 years have been forgotten for her? I mean, the girl fell off the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down.

10:07: “I’m a smart person; what the hell was I thinking?” No one knows, Brit. No one knows.

10:09: Britney is talkin’ about dancing and auditioning dancers. It’s weird – listening to her talk, you almost forget how nuts she was this past year. Maybe we were all Punk’d?

10:11: The break up with Justin sent her over the edge. She just didn’t know what to do with herself, so she felt the need to just go out and keetp busy. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. I wonder what my break up meltdowns would look like on TV.

10:13: Did anyone else know she had such a Southern accent?

10:14: Britney married Kevin for all the wrong reasons. Um, duh?

10:16: Head Shaving – Kevin left her and she was sad, so she just shaved her head. I am not really seeing the connection; I think she just really loved that pink wig.

10:19: Ew, Brit totally has nail-biter nails. Gross.

10:21: Frapuccino spotted!

10:23: Security needed just to walk down the street? I am so glad I’m not famous; lord knows how bad I look when I leave the house 95% of the time. I don’t need no Paps following me around and publishing those shots. Especially with this giant zit brewing on my face.

10:27: Is it possible to be a super star and not completely crack? Britney’s success is what caused her breakdown; could there have been another outcome?

10:28: Britney picks up a sweater and mentions it being very Mommy. Which reminds me…where are the kids? And how is a skanky low cut top with a jacket too “businessy”?!

10:32: There is something to be said for spontenaity, something Ms. Spears doesn’t get to enjoy anymore. Could you imagine having your whole life scheduled for you? I can see why she’d go shave her head and go completely nuts.

10:33: Britney got super excited when she found out she’d have dinner with some cast members from the show she saw on Broadway. SHE got excited. That’s really kinda cute, no?

10:37: More Britney perfume commercials. I never understood the point of any perfume commercial – it’s not like I can smell it through my TV (even if I have HD). Why spend the money? Also, Britney is supporting her OWN documentary and buying the time on MTV. Maybe I’m just naively buying into what MTV and the Spears team wants me to. Dammit…I’ve been had.

10:39: Womanizer, Womanizer, You’re a womanizer babyyyy.

10:42: Britney’s assistant wakes her from a nap…and they are wearing matching outfits? Is that part of the job description??

10:44: God I feel bad for this girl. She is just coasting through life in a state of total depression. No one takes her seriously, no one listens to her and she has no personal space. I want to hug her!

10:46: Britney talks about her low time. This is what I’ve been waiting forrrr. And…what a bust. She drove around so she didn’t have to be home. And that’s her explanation for going off the deep end.

10:48: Madonna’s here! And she LOVES Britney! And her skin looks WAY tight/her cheeks look weird!

10:52: More talk of the boys, that are apparently the 2 things that keep her going. I guess she really loves ‘em. Who knew?

10:54: Britney dresses up the kids for Halloween…and they are so effing cute. If nothing else, at least her kids are presh.

10:56: She plays some mind game with her assistant…and Britney can read minds! She’s more than just a popstar with a really good production team around her!

11:00: Britney had a rough year, but she’s back. With fireworks. After all, it’s Britney, bitch.

Britney is gonna talk.

About everything.

From the babies to the head shaving to her many visits to the psych ward, Ms. Spears is opening up and letting us all in.

And we at CollegeCandy wouldn’t miss it for all the Take 5 bars in the world. So join us tonight at 10 pm EST as we live blog the circus (get it? like her album!?) that is the real story behind Britney Spears.

(Note: This is the most exciting thing that has happened in our lives since we discovered Fiber One Toaster Pastries! They are like healthy Pop-Tarts! But even a not-so-bad-for-you-pastry isn’t quite as awesome as Britney Spears telling it all. Oooowee! We. Can’t. Wait.)

1. Pumpkin Mousse. It may be post-Thanksgiving but while the rest of the world has moved on to egg-nog or latkes, I’m more like Ross Gellar and still craving Thanksgiving leftovers. So if you still need something to be thankful for make this low fat amazing pumpkin mousse and then thank me later.

What you need: 2 Packets instant fat free/sugar free vanilla pudding, 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice, 2 cups skim milk, one 15 ounce can of pumpkin, and one tub of fat-free Cool Whip. Make the pudding with the milk and once it’s ready, fold in the other ingredients, stick it in the fridge, maybe throw some ginger snaps on top and you’ve got yourself some guilt free leftovers.

2. While I may not love Miley Cyrus, I love this girl who loves Miley Cyrus. Seriously, over 1 million hits, tons of tribute vids back, and over 12 different videos. And those special effects? Ahhhmazing. Check out her version of Disturbia too… I sort of want to be her best friend.

3. Britney Spears’ comeback. I know, I’m a sucker like everyone else, but that magazine cover? The vid? I’ve been working out to old school Brit all week and I’m just rooting that our favorite baldie makes this comeback big (not lame-o like the last one). I know you are all excited for the documentary tomorrow night. Watch it with some pumpkin mousse for a double dose of love.

4. Kiss My Face Organics Skincare. This skincare line is fabulous because it’s all natural, meaning it’s not too harsh for your skin and gets your skin glowing the au natural way (instead of with all those harsh chemicals making their way into every other product out there). Available at Whole Foods.

5. Four Christmases. I saw it last night and I am in love. It’s that perfect balance of holiday cheesiness that you are sort of embarassed to admit you want to watch this time of year (especially when you’re, um, JEWISH) with a side of Vince Vaughn funny-ness. Seriously I could marry that guy.

And it scares the crap out of us.

But now we realize that crazy cat ladies have nothing on a new breed of wackadoodle: fake baby lovers.

These crazies have been all over the news lately after a recent BBC documentary aired. Basically, these women buy real-looking baby dolls and treat them like they are real. They put them in car seats, buy them cribs and take them places like a real FREAKING CHILD.

Only they are not real. They are dolls.

And these women are nuts. Just watch that video. You will never look at Cabbage Patch Kids the same way again.

The good news to come from all this is that maybe we can all buy cats now without fear of that slippery slope into spinsterhood. The bad news is that I have to rid my apartment of any and all stuffed animals out of terror that I may become a crazy fake baby lady if I don’t get a boyfriend soon.

I realize you’re attached to your name. TLC stands for the ‘The Learning Channel’ and you take a certain amount of pride in the fact that you’re really trying to teach your viewers something about the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from you guys.

For example ‘What Not To Wear‘ taught me exactly why people looked at me funny when I rocked my red-tee-tucked-into-my-red-sweatpants look for two years. You helped me get out of that phase and I appreciate you for that. Additionally, all your programming about sex that involves heavy use of x-ray footage of coitus allowed me to realize just how disgusting human anatomy can be and gave me a bunch of great facts to drop at the bar.

But let’s be real for a minute. There’s someone working for your organization who isn’t doing his job. You know who I’m talking about. Steve, the guy who’s been naming all your documentaries. He’s phoning that sh*t in and you know it. Now, I know he’s your wife’s cousin and he’s going through a rough patch right now, but it’s time to cut that guy loose.

I can imagine your meetings now:

TLC Managing Director of Content : Alright Steve, we’ve got a piece about a guy who does steroids and has a terrible addiction to them and his arms explode. Need something edgy. Something to really grab that audience.

Steve: THE MAN WHO’S ARMS EXPLODED.

TLC Managing Director of Content: You just…you just took what I described and put it into one sentence.

Steve : The man who’s arms ‘sploded‘ ?

TLC Managing Director of Content: …Alright. Let’s do the first one.

This is probably how it goes down. Am I right? Stop me if I’m wrong but I’m not sure how else you come up with stunners like “The Boy With A New Head” and “The Boy With Frozen Bones.”

Here, I’ve got some ideas for you (just send me a check later). One about a kid who has diabetes called “The Boy With The Sugar Imbalance,’ and maybe one about someone who died skydiving called “Jumped Out Of A Plane And Died.”

Also, please run “Bringing Home Baby,” more because I can’t afford TiVo and I keep missing it.

Love,

Conan

Mike’s Election Guide, a “manual mockery for the 2008 Presidential election”, will no doubt be full of the snide, polarizing, and sometimes funny comments Moore has made a career out of making.

Will he crack a lot of jokes about McCain being as old as Jesus’s sandals (hey, thats a good one!)? Will he go after Obama’s young, rabid fans who have decided to vote for the guy based purely on some YouTube video full of really sincere celebrities (hey, another good one!)? Will he throw in some jabs about Bush being stupid? How about a chapter devoted to how politicians are all the same and why voting for UFO loving Kucinich is the way to salvation (and medicinal marijuana for all)?

His book isn’t even out yet, and when it does come out, I probably won’t read it, but I can guess that all of my musings and MORE will be included in Mike’s Election Guide. I mean, why not? There’s a lot of miliage to be had at the expense of political figures. Especially if they’re A) really old B) have acquired a rabid Birkenstock fanbase or C) are really stupid.

Moore’s book will undoubtly be available at your nearest hippie co-op and liberal bookstore, right next to the aisle dedicated to meditation crystals.

[photo from barnesandnoble.com]

And guess what, they have also been voted as most unethical.

Flicking through the TV guide, I spotted a documentary titled ‘The Devil Wears Primark” showing that very night. I felt it was time to face up to the not-so-pretty side of my bargains. As I fine tuned the aerial and settled down, I was puzzled to discover that in the place of a nitty-gritty documentary was a “in a change to the schedule” apology, followed by a generic film.

It didn’t take much detective work to figure out that a company with such high turnover would have been less than happy too let such a documentary go ahead. However it made me angry to think that the truth was, effectively, being hidden from my eyes. Whatever content was in the showing, Primark obviously did not want us to see. Of course, what chance does a television station have against a multi-million pound company with more lawyers than sense? None at all, so it seems.

These people should be ashamed. Ashamed to use money as a weapon, ashamed to turn away from the truth with threats and lawyers, ashamed to be driven by nothing but disgusting amounts of profit. A televised program giving shocked viewers the truth about their £15 coat could easily make them think twice about another purchase. But isn’t that exactly what Primark deserves? Maybe then they would acknowledge the working conditions of those abroad who work tirelessly to receive absolute pennies. Better still, raise the price of my beloved t-shirt by a mere pound, put some profit back to the people who work so hard to help them make their precious money, and perhaps – just maybe – attempt to develop a conscience.

Where do you buy your clothing? How often do you think about the working conditions of those who make your garments? Should Primark have been allowed to stop the airing of a truthful documentary?

[photo courtesty of Burt Herman at daylife.com]