It’s no secret among my friends that I like being treated aggressively in the bedroom, but sometimes, I feel like I’m the only girl I know who likes getting roughed up. Perhaps that’s because my sexual propensities really are that rare, but more likely, it’s because a taboo against BDSM still exists.

Rachel Kramer Bussel, who recently wrote on The Frisky about a newly discovered desire to be choked during sex, notes that “Women, especially feminists, aren’t supposed to say they like rough sex … [There's a] misconception that consensual BDSM is a precursor to violence.” That’s something I know all too well. Last year, I blogged about an instance of rough sex on my website, Sex and the Ivy. While my entries often receive mixed reviews (because some disagree with my decision to write publicly about my sex life), I was surprised by the number of commenters who were outraged by this piece. Some of the reactions included:

“This could easily be a police report with the victim recounting a rape.”
“You deserve better.”
“True love does not seek to demean the other person.”
“The fact that he even desires to treat you this way is disgusting.”

Some commenters even engaged in a discussion about whether my account of being jerked around was effectively condoning rape. I wondered how it was possible that any of them could misconstrue my writing to mean that I was implicitly endorsing misogynistic attitudes — or worse, that I was in an abusive relationship. Beyond my irritation at being misinterpreted, I was extremely troubled by the judgments made about my sexual partner at the time, who’s my now-boyfriend and the type of political radical that would put most American “liberals” to shame. Before him, I had a hard time meeting guys who weren’t dismissive of my feminist views and my passion for LGBT activism. Pulling my hair and choking me during sex (at my request) hardly means that he doesn’t respect me or value equality. In fact, ours is the most egalitarian relationship I’ve ever had, and I’m someone who’s especially sensitive to gender issues.

When I wrote the piece, I didn’t think that my bedroom practices were too out of the ordinary, since nothing I’ve done has even approached hardcore BDSM and I really don’t have very interesting fetishes considering that I write a lot about sex. It surprised me, then, that people reacted so strongly to what I considered a rather tame example of rough play. After all, who hasn’t made jokes about spanking? How could BDSM still be considered on the fringe despite the appearance of dominatrixes in television and movies? Has it really remained that controversial given the amount of bondage gear on sale at Babeland? (But maybe none of these people were shopping at Babeland.) I was appalled by the conservatism on display and dismayed by the ignorance. A common mantra of BDSM culture is “Safe, Sane, and Consensual”, something I thought everyone knew about, but even a prominent disclaimer failed to convince the critics that I’d truly provided my consent.

And perhaps, that was what bothered me most of all. These commenters, who decried my partner as “disgusting” and my relationship as “demeaning”, were simultaneously refusing to recognize my agency in an interaction that took place between two people. Rough sex wasn’t anti-feminist; this was. I said that I had consented to all the activities, yet they refused to believe that could be true. Instead, they assumed that my partner must have somehow pressured me into it, that I couldn’t possibly have played an equal role in shaping our sexual interactions.

Not everyone may enjoy rough sex, but that doesn’t automatically make it unethical or anti-feminist, just as vanilla sex isn’t boring simply because I don’t like it. Regardless of preferences, no one is qualified to have an opinion on the consensual activities that take place in someone else’s bedroom. In other words, if you don’t judge me enjoying a good spanking (and I enjoy a good spanking), I won’t judge you for liking missionary.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!

Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

1st girl: “I had a really nice, lovely, normal New Years’ kiss. No drama.”

2nd girl: “Yeah. Well, I ended up getting a kiss from my rabbit. He’s man enough for me.”

1st girl:”Cute!”

3rd girl: “I sat by myself and read Wikipedia while the ball dropped. Then my cat threw up.”

“Hey! Do that voice again! It’s like we’ve got two dads. The best Christmas party ever!”

“Bacteria turkey. That’s the grossest thing you can say. The way the words line up in your mouth. The subtle alliteration. It’s like, I want to vomit, but it’d be the most fascinating vomit ever. Think about it.”

“You know, there were plenty of other parties we could have gone to tonight.”

“I don’t think my sexuality is even a question any more. The only physical contact I have with other people is carrying drunk girls home from parties. I think my orientation is ‘transportation equipment.”

“Secretary? Yeah, can’t watch that with the folks. I don’t know what’s worse; the way my dad gets flustered and has to leave the room, or the way my mom starts taking notes.”

“Is this mulled cider? That means it’s cut with E, right?”

“You’re a totally normal until I give you a Nerf gun, and then it’s like you’re four years old again.”

“It’s the cheapest time machine ever!”

“All right, cool, so I’m exempt from Christmas gifts for the next, what, twelve years?”

“This year, I resolve to have way more sex. That seems like a great idea at the time but turns out to be totally gross and stupid the next morning. Also, I resolve to drink more.”

“Am I still a vegetarian if I eat all this sausage?”

“If you’re going to visit me at school, wait until February. We’re starting up the dominatrix classes again. I think we’ll be doing a ‘make-your-own sex toy’ workshop. How cool are you with flogging? No, I’m kidding. Kind of.”

“Oh, wow. Your taste buds look really gross close up. Happy New Year, honey.”

1. Hot Pants. After watching Katy Perry strut her girl-smooching stuff at the 2008 MTV VMAs, I couldn’t get over her outfit. While her hair and makeup was flawless, she was sporting some seriously short-shorts. Maybe it’s because my thighs would look horrendous, or maybe its because I just think shorts that look like underwear are not flattering on anyone, but hot pants are a definite no.

2. The Nicole Richie Headband. I don’t mind pushing your hair back when you need to get it out of your face, but that headband over your hair, Woodstock look that Nicole Richie and the like sport all the time, just doesn’t work for me.

3. Baggy Jeans and Heels. You can thank Katie Holmes for this one. Baggy, loose fitting jeans are for men, ladies. I’m not saying we need to wear ‘em skin tight, but the fall-off-your-hips look and saggy ass is so NOT flattering.

4. Scarves in the Summer. 100 degrees in LA and people are wearing scarves with T-shirts. I don’t get it. Scarves are for the winter peeps, leave ‘em there.

5. Gladiator Shoes. I like me a little dominatrix look, definitely, very sexy, but not when they’re over the top. Some of these shoes are just wayyyyy too much. Too much leather. Too many studs. Too high of a heel. Tone it done and let it work.

What are some trends YOU despise???

[photo courtesy of urbanog.com]