Mmm. Only 480 calories of fast food goodness.

I can’t lie: I love fast food. So much so that I have mapped out all the fast-food restaurants near my campus and committed all of their locations to memory, as well as the fastest routes to get there. And I may have instructed a cab driver to swing by and grab me a large order of fries and honey for dipping them on the way home from the bar. Twice. Yeah, that’s a bit excessive, but don’t judge; we have all experienced that moment when the dining hall slop is simply too underwhelming and all we want is a Big Mac. And fries. And a milkshake to wash it all down.

It is my firmest belief that fast-food restaurants should be listed as one of America’s deadliest sins. But because I can’t say no to a good drive-thru (Editor’s Note: Don’t try the drunken walk-through-the-drive-thru…they don’t like that), I decided to figure out the healthiest options to order in hopes of keeping obesity at bay. And it’s surprisingly not that hard to find healthy options at grease pits these days.

If you’ve got a hankering for some good ol’ fast food but don’t want to undo that 90-minute Vinyasa class, these are the best options for you:

Wendy’s: I truly believe Wendy’s to be the 4-star restaurant of the fast-food nation. I wish they could all be a little more like Wendy. I would recommend the Mandarin Chicken Salad with Oriental Sesame Dressing and Roasted Almonds. It’s 480 calories and delectable to the last bite. If salad isn’t your bag, try the Ultimate Chicken Grill Sandwich. Only 320 calories and yet still a hearty sandwich. As the name states, it’s the ultimate.

Taco Bell: Taco Bell’s Fresco menu is basically the same items, minus the sour cream. You can get a crunchy taco for only 150 calories. That’s like a 100-calorie pack taco meal. I like the sound of that. But just a warning: You may be saving on calories, but it won’t save you any more time in the bathroom. It’s the curse of Taco Bell. Learn to live with it.

Burger King: We all remember the Whopper Freakout. We don’t need that happening again. It seems the Whopper is undeniable, so I won’t tell you not to eat it. But I will advise you against the Angry Triple Whopper as it clocks in at 1,360 calories. You’ll get the same bang for you buck with the Whopper Jr (370 calories), and you won’t have to do a Target run for larger pants on your way home.

Dominos: The late night Domino’s delivery is inevitable. Accept it. So when you’re craving a slice of pizza to soak up all the alcohol in your system and, face it, you’re going to order a large, here are the lightest options: Cheese, Veggie, Philly Steak, Ham and Pineapple and Grilled Chicken and Veggies. These pizzas all weigh in at about 250 calories per slice. Try not to eat the whole pie by yourself, though. Disaster.

KFC: Resisting their Famous Bowls is like turning down a date with Jude Law for me. But KFC has so many low-fat choices that I simply can’t chow down on biscuits and mashed potatoes in good faith. Now that they are offering Kentucky Grilled Chicken, there is no excuse. Also, may I present for your enjoyment the Honey Barbecue Sandwich—300 calories. Delish.

McDonalds: If Super Size Me has taught you anything, DON’T SUPERSIZE YOUR MEAL! If you ever wondered why the arches are golden, it’s because they’re deep-fried in grease, so back away from the fries, people! Try a Premium Asian Salad with Grilled Chicken (300 calories and 10 grams of fat) or a Grilled Chicken Snack Wrap (260 calories and 9 grams of fat) instead.

Chipotle: If you want to be healthy, just don’t go to Chipotle. It may be buffet style giving you complete control of what you will be eating, but if you’re like me, you’re not going to be able to deny all the toppings they have to offer. In fact, you’re probably going to demand extra guacamole. Right there you’re talking about 1,437 calories and 57 grams of fat. I’m currently hanging my head in shame.

You goin’ out tonight? Gonna hit the town and celebrate that final final? You gonna get so drunk that the only thing on your mind at the end of the night is gooey, cheesy and totally bad for you?

Me too!

But before you a make poor decision that involves you and the delivery places you clearly have on speed dial, read on. There are some snacks out there that are just not worth eating, no matter how many Vodka Red Bulls you’ve downed in honor of the end of History 240. Things you will regret more in the morning than last weekend’s romp with the History 240 T.A. Assuming all that fat and grease doesn’t prevent you from making it to the morning…

Domino’s Bread Bowl Pasta.

Not sure why you would want to eat this, as it both looks and sounds nauseating. But in case your taste buds aren’t satisfied with noodles alone and they long for a massive tub of soggy bread to soak up all the caloric goodness, just remember… NOT TO LISTEN TO THEM! No really– stay far, far away from this god-awful, heart-attack inducing concoction. I mean, who really needs to eat the bowl!? The giant serving of cheesy, creamy, fatty pasta isn’t enought?

It’s just gross. End of story.

Pizza Hut’s P’zone Pizza.

Described as: “Over a pound of toppings and cheese baked into a folded pizza crust!” I’m pretty sure that translates to: “Over a pound of extra fat stuffed into a pair of skinny jeans!”

Taco-Bell’s Nachos BellGrande.

Any food item with the word “grande” in it should most likely (as in, most definitely) be avoided. Unless it’s from Starbucks. You may think it’s not so bad – it’s  prepared with reduced fat sour cream! – but don’t be fooled. Low fat toppings or not,with 760 calories and 1300 mg of sodium (60% of your daily value of salt packed into one snack….er….fourthmeal!) this is a baaaad late night choice.

KFC Chicken and Biscuit Bowl.

(I think I just puked). Imagine of the four unhealthiest food items: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, cheese, and biscuits. Now pile them on top of one another, smother the stuff in gravy, and whad’ya get? Something you should probably never eat.

Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust Pizzas.

If pizza itself isn’t a bad enough choice for curing (or provoking) the munchies, try pizza with extra cheese literally “stuffed” into the crust. The pie is apparently packed with melted cheese in the crust “so that the last bite is as good as the first.” Yea…so the last bite is as good, and fatty, as the first one. Two (of those very small Pizza Hut) slices have 800 calories. And if that wasn’t harmful enough, just imagine those grease burns you’ll get when that sh*t drips down your arms. Probably not the best choice during bikini season. Or ever.

Mardi Gras is officially over tomorrow, so put your shirts down, drop those beads and celebrate the best day ever: Fat Tuesday!  I like to think of every Tuesday (or every day, for that matter) as Fat Tuesday, so I’m more than ready to celebrate.

A day devoted to all culinary indulgences? Sign. me. up.

Care to join me? Well, you can start by getting a free stack o’ pancakes at IHOP (much love to you, IHOP!), then move onto some of my favorite fatty indulgences. Click on the pics to find out where you can get your hands on such delicious celebratory snacks.

What are your favorite Fat Tuesday treats?

Sometimes I like to drink. A lot. And on those occasions I may or may not (okay, always) do stupid things. It is not me, you see; it is the alcohol. In fact, it is not until the morning after when I am chugging Gatorade and trying to get my bed to stop spinning that I even realize exactly what went down. And I feel bad – really, I do. So, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for it all.

To The Bartender: I am sorry that I hopped over the bar and drank beer directly from the tap. And attempted to spray my friends with Tonic Water. And knocked over that giant stack of glasses….

To My Best Friend: I am sorry that I bit your hand when you tried to take my falafel away from me. Yes, I know I said we would share. I am also sorry that I stole your shoe…and drank a beer out of it. And that I peed in your garbage can. Oh, wait. That was your sock drawer? My bad.

To My Friends: I am sorry that I called your girlfriend “Gorilla”…to her face (but I am more sorry that you are dating such a mess). Sorry that I brought that random dude back to the apartment and accidentally took him to your room. I will wash your sheets…and rug. Oh, and your teddy bear.

To The Cab Driver: I am sorry that I didn’t open the window far enough when I was attempting to puke and, therefore, got a lot on the inside of the door. I am also sorry that I only had $2 and 36 cents in pennies to pay you. And I appreciate you letting me give you my Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to cover the rest.

To The Random Person at Dominos: I am sorry that I ate half of your cheesy bread before you came to pick it up. It just looked so lonely on the counter.

To The Dude I Work With: I am sorry that I made out with you at Happy Hour and made you think that I was interested and then laughed at you (and told everyone about it) when you asked if you could come home with me. That was really insensitive.

To My Grandma: I am sorry that my friends and I thought it would be funny to drunk dial you at 3 am to tell you that I just hooked up in a bathroom. I just hope you don’t know what that means.

To The Guy That Lives Below Me: I am sorry that I was in the mood to tap dance when I got home from the bar at 5am. I am also sorry for that loud thump at around 7am; my bed was rocking and I rolled right off.

To That Dude I Met: I am sorry that things didn’t work quite that well. It is really hard to aim/stay focused with 6 vodka/Red Bulls in my system. I am also sorry that I stole that pair of boxers; I couldn’t find my skivvies in the morning and needed something under my dress. P.S. Let me know if you find those…

To That Dude I Met’s Girlfriend: He didn’t tell me about you until the next morning. And that underwear you may find somewhere in his room are mine. Sorry ’bout those.

To My Liver: I am so, so, so sorry.

I hope that this covers everyone… past, present and future.

Anyone wanna hit up happy hour tonight? Let me know!

–Laur

[Photo not courtesy of my private collection, but rather metro.co.uk]