And now Disney’s hopping on the makeover bandwagon, re-imagining Mickey Mouse as an angry-eyebrow-sporting curmudgeon who roams around a “cartoon wasteland,” wielding “paint and thinner thrown from a magic paintbrush” as a weapon. Seriously.

I understand why Disney is trying to give Mickey some edge—squeaky clean, anthropomorphic rodents just don’t have the same appeal that they used to. But there are tons of reasons that this gritty new version of their most well known character just isn’t going to work.

First of all, there’s the outfit—Mickey’s trademark red shorts with huge white buttons and silly yellow shoes aren’t exactly going to strike fear into the heart of, well, anyone. And outfitting Mickey in, say, a studded leather jacket and an eyebrow ring would just be wrong.

Then there’s Mickey’s familiar high-pitched voice and signature chuckle. Are they going to make the mouse go through puberty? How weird would it be if Mickey started sounding like this? I don’t see how Mickey could possibly be edgy if he still talks like Mrs. Featherbottom sans English accent, but I also don’t see how Disney could change one of the most recognizable things about Mickey without losing the soul of the character.

And how does Minnie play into all of this? Is Disney going to shorten her polka dotted dress and have her wear intense eyeliner or something? Are the new Mickey and the new Minnie going to have an unhealthy, codependent relationship? Is she going to start cheating on him with Donald, or maybe Goofy?

Okay, maybe the South Park crew managed to make Mickey pretty terrifying on an episode last year. Even so, Disney’s edgification of their mascot seems doomed from the start. Remember when Warner Brothers reimagined Daffy, Bugs and the gang as creepy, menacing “loonatics?”

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Unfortunately, my life is not very conducive to being hungover, and forces me to inevitably be anywhere but in bed on those days when I swear off drinking for good. If you’ve ever been hungover, chances are you’ve been forced to be somewhere you absolutely did not want to be at the time. I present the short list of the worst places to be while hungover.

5. Class. Ahh college. It offers us so much freedom, so much responsibility (or the option to exercise irresponsibility)! It even allows us to go out and drink on a weeknight. The consequences of this option can be felt the morning after that party that e-v-e-r-yone went to. You promised yourself you wouldn’t drink, you would just go to say hi and then get your scholastic tush home to get some shut eye for your 9 am. But alas, that cute baseball player from econ offered you a Solo of Natty and you just couldn’t refuse. Then came the beer pong tournament, the Vodka Slide race and finally, the sudden death round of Ring of Fire. Fast forward to this morning, drearily listening to your professor lecture while simultaneously cursing yourself and evaluating the quickest escape route should a wave of nausea hit. You are never drinking again! Oh wait–it’s ladies night and 2-4-1 at your favorite bar…

4. Work. This varies in degrees of miserable-ness depending on what you do. I work with children. For me, a day hungover at work (not something I’ve ever experienced or ever hope to) would consist of screaming and crying until snack time, Barney Live, Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Train episodes in rapid succession, then a very much needed nap time. I don’t even know what the kids would be doing that whole time though; they’re so on their own. If you are lucky enough to have a desk job, just zone out whilst typing. If you are unlucky enough to be a roller coaster ride tester, I suggest you avoid the weeknight festivities.

3. A Sporting Event. Being a hungover spectator is no fun; being a hungover participant is downright unbearable. If the game is an ESPN-worthy rivalry match between State U and U State, you can count on being drunk-over (resulting from last night’s massive block party induced-hangover combined with hours of painstaking tailgating). If the game is against your IM rival and you are the team’s star player, you can count on a lot of disappointed fans and angry, unforgiving teammates. Couple this with the way your body will feel after rigorous exercise, and you’ll think twice about ever going out the night before a game again.

2. Your Place of Worship. Be it synogogue, temple, mosque or church (Atheists and Agnostics, be glad this is something you need not worry about) sitting or kneeling for hours upon hours (at least it feels that way), surrounded by those attempting to absorb God’s love is not somewhere you want to be the morning after a hard night of drinking. Not only are you paranoid that the adorable child to your right can smell the tequila oozing from your pores, you’re pretty certain the little old lady to your left is privately condemning you. Of course, today’s topic of discussion will be on the evils of gluttony and drinking, leaving you to shrink into your seat, hope the sermon is not directed at you and pray the big guy (or guys, girls, etc.) upstairs is not about to smite you.

1. In Any Kind of Moving Vehicle. Obviously, this location takes the cake. It doesn’t matter if you wear your biggest, darkest sunglasses. It won’t make a difference if you lay down in the back seat or close your eyes (which I do not recommend if you are the driver). This is not something that gallons of water and any amount of carbohydratyes can cure. Your inner ear is sensing movement and it is going to punish you severely for it. Maybe you’re just running a few errands after a late night. Or perhaps you’ve just woken up after celebrating a week’s worth of studying for/acing all of your finals and are now embarking on the 9 hour drive home. Whatever your endpoint, the moment you buckle yourself into any car, van, bus, train, airplane, or– heaven forbid– boat, you will instantly regret it. All you can do now is sit next to a window or within proximity of a toilet and will yourself to your final destination.

[Thank you to the hungover girl above and Flickr.com for that hot shot]