I firmly believe that for every nice guy on Earth, there are 20 jerks to balance out the ratio. That means that there are millions of douchebags roaming the planet, shooting finger guns in their tight Ed Hardy shirts. You know you’ve seen them, and you’ve definitely met them – eagerly sitting in the front of the classroom, pretending not to see you on the Yard or sliding next to you at the bar. Douchebags aren’t bad people – they just need love, affection and helpful suggestions. But first, you have to know what you’re dealing with. Here are the 10 types of douchebags you’ll probably run into:
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Know any other douchebags we missed? Tell us about them below!
We’ve all met them. Guys who appear to be nice, wholesome, respectful-of-women types, and then they do something awful. Maybe it’s a guy you were BFF with and totally adored, but he friend-zoned you and told you he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but then was dating a super hot girl two weeks later.
Or maybe he’s like one of these guys who we all thought were okay until they pulled a super douche move and got the world to hate them.
1. Ashton Kutcher
We fell in love with his prankster sense of humor when he did Punk’d and made Justin Timberlake cry. I thought it was sweet that when he married Demi Moore, assumed the step-dad role and appeared to be good at it. Now he’s apparently cheated on Demi and they are getting divorced. What were you thinking Ashton? She’s a hot cougar! Read More »
Do you have low self-esteem? Have you been shot at or stabbed before? Are you not one of those outspoken Beyonce types?
Then it’s your lucky day, girlfriend. I present to you two men who know exactly what they want…and something makes me think they’re not getting it. Or any for that matter. Boasting hundreds of videos on their YouTube channels, “HotDamnIRock” and “JerryLaVigneJr” will woo you with the kind of wisdom only two very single dudes can provide.
As I’m sure anyone with an internet connection, mobile phone, or the ability to read knows: John Mayer is a tremendous douche bag. In a recent interview with Playboy, he reminds America (as if his Twitter feed wasn’t proof enough) why he is the most irritating dbag on the planet. I will reiterate douchebag multiple times in this article because I am fairly certain if you check the ingredients on Summer’s Eve, the primary ingredient is John Mayer.
Okay, sure, John Mayer shouts out his exes, claims his cock is a “white supremacist,” will do anything for attention, makes that nasty face when he sings and just generally looks like a grease ball who invented HPV, but certainly there have to be worse guys out there. And there are.
So allow me to list 10 guys who are even more un-dateable than the totally un-dateable Mr. Mayer. Read More »
Throughout my sophomore year at college I’d pretty steadily hooked up with this guy, let’s call him Blake. Despite the fact that we were on good terms and friends outside of the bedroom, our hook ups only occurred when I was drunk. I’d never really wanted things to go any further with him; he was a sweet kid, but really only as a drunk hook up and fun guy to goof off with.
Things ended when he moved out to L.A. after graduation, but we kept in touch online and through Facebook ever since.
So when I clicked on my Facebook event notification and saw that he’d be back in town in a couple months, my first instinct was to accept the invite to the party in his honor.
That is, until I saw the Facebook wall.
One of his buddies, whom I’ve never met in my life, wrote on the wall: “Hey Blake, you should call that Melanie chick. That alcoholic nympho will probably get so excited she’ll bust a clasp on her straight jacket.”
Wow. What?!
Directly following Doucheface’s comment, Blake responded with a nice “hahahaha.”
Shocked, embarrassed and angry, I confronted Blake about the whole thing. He fed me some baloney about his friend “taking stories and blowing them out of proportion” and brushed me off like it was no big deal. I was not amused. I mean, this was not some private issue; my name was being slandered in a very public place. Read More »
Ladies of the world: stop your farting. Also, stop burping, spitting, sweating, and digesting food. Details writer John Sellers has spoken, and it’s bad news: we are not getting him off.
I know! I know! Everything that I do is intended to give John Sellers – and, by extension, all men – raging boners. I think of him all day long, from selecting my outfit in the morning until the moment that I slip between the covers to dream of his sweet, manly embrace. I imagine that it’s much the same for you. He is Details writer John Sellers, for God’s sake. The female half of the world hangs on his every byline.
Yet, in his recent piece, “The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls,” it’s clear that we have failed him greatly. It’s ostensibly about women who make fart jokes (or burp jokes, or poop jokes, etc.) and how horrible they are. (I know, right? Having a functional set of organs is totally grody. It’s even worse when women aren’t ashamed of their own bodies! Yuck.) Yet its underlying theme is far simpler: J.S. wants women – all women – to know that their purpose in life is to turn him on.
“It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O’Donnell,” he writes. “But the trouble is they’re all smoking hot. It’s their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy.” Read More »
Throughout my sophomore year at college I’d pretty steadily hooked up with this guy, let’s call him Blake. Despite the fact that we were on good terms and friends outside of the bedroom, our hook ups only occurred when I was drunk. I’d never really wanted things to go any further with him; he was a sweet kid, but really only as a drunk hook up and fun guy to goof off with.
Ladies of the world: stop your farting. Also, stop burping, spitting, sweating, and digesting food. Details writer John Sellers has spoken, and it’s bad news: we are not getting him off.
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