I firmly believe that for every nice guy on Earth, there are 20 jerks to balance out the ratio. That means that there are millions of douchebags roaming the planet, shooting finger guns in their tight Ed Hardy shirts. You know you’ve seen them, and you’ve definitely met them – eagerly sitting in the front of the classroom, pretending not to see you on the Yard or sliding next to you at the bar. Douchebags aren’t bad people – they just need love, affection and helpful suggestions. But first, you have to know what you’re dealing with. Here are the 10 types of douchebags you’ll probably run into:

initiating the gallery...

Know any other douchebags we missed? Tell us about them below! 

We’ve all met them. Guys who appear to be nice, wholesome, respectful-of-women types, and then they do something awful. Maybe it’s a guy you were BFF with and totally adored, but he friend-zoned you and told you he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but then was dating a super hot girl two weeks later.

Or maybe he’s like one of these guys who we all thought were okay until they pulled a super douche move and got the world to hate them.

1. Ashton Kutcher

We fell in love with his prankster sense of humor when he did Punk’d and made Justin Timberlake cry. I thought it was sweet that when he married Demi Moore, assumed the step-dad role and appeared to be good at it. Now he’s apparently cheated on Demi and they are getting divorced. What were you thinking Ashton? She’s a hot cougar!

2. Doug Hutchison

I was and still am a huge LOST fan. Why couldn’t Doug keep the image I had of him/his character a nice, clean image? He just had to go off a marry a 16-year-old (have we decided if she is actually 16 yet?) and make the world see him as a creep.

3. Kris Humphries

When I learned Kim was engaged, I was happy because now she may stop complaining about being the only sister without a family. Then I saw the wedding special and learned what a d-bag Kris is. I was not surprised that they got divorced, and I am on Kim’s side 100%.

4. Seth Cohen

Now he was only a douche for a few episodes, but still. Why was nerd-cute Seth sneaking out of his house, drinking and being a bad boy for a girl who liked girls? Leave the bad boy stuff to Ryan, Seth.

5. Jersey Shore’s Vinny

I always thought he was the nicest of the Jersey Shore guys. He loves his family, and he was the most respectful of women. Well now, he wrote a douchey rap song…

Shakira’s racy new video featuring a pole dance…and Pitbull?

And the douche bag award goes to…

Why you should follow the cell phone etiquette at movie theaters

The teaser for Katy Perry’s new song

9 ways to jazz up your LBD

Get the knockoff version of Christian Louboutin’s Lady Daf pumps

Lady Gaga’s not vain in the slightest

How to stay connected with your crush over summer

The best way to get over your casual hookup

7 steps to finding the perfect bikini

See douchebaggery at its worse

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said?

I have the biggest girl crush on Mindy Kaling

Miley’s life continues to baffle me

Who is going to win American Idol?

Is it just me or is Rosie ALWAYS trying to start a fight

Get your popcorn…it’s a teen heartthrob fight

Why must celebs be so cringeworthy?!

Guess what Charlie Sheen’s tour comes with?

Do you have low self-esteem?  Have you been shot at or stabbed before?  Are you not one of those outspoken Beyonce types?

Then it’s your lucky day, girlfriend.  I present to you two men who know exactly what they want…and something makes me think they’re not getting it.  Or any for that matter.  Boasting hundreds of videos on their YouTube channels, “HotDamnIRock” and “JerryLaVigneJr” will woo you with the kind of wisdom only two very single dudes can provide.

As I’m sure anyone with an internet connection, mobile phone, or the ability to read knows: John Mayer is a tremendous douche bag. In a recent interview with Playboy, he reminds America (as if his Twitter feed wasn’t proof enough) why he is the most irritating dbag on the planet. I will reiterate douchebag multiple times in this article because I am fairly certain if you check the ingredients on Summer’s Eve, the primary ingredient is John Mayer.

Okay, sure, John Mayer shouts out his exes, claims his cock is a “white supremacist,” will do anything for attention, makes that nasty face when he sings and just generally looks like a grease ball who invented HPV, but certainly there have to be worse guys out there. And there are.

So allow me to list 10 guys who are even more un-dateable than the totally un-dateable Mr. Mayer.

10. Jon Gosselin Michael Lohan?
As a personal pact to myself to not name he-who-shall-not-be-named-ed hardy-ear piercing-hailey-glassman-screwing-child exploiting-a**hole, I will say, ugh, Michael Lohan. Any creepy show biz dads have to be worse than @JohnCMayer.

9. Spencer Pratt
Well thank golly he’s taken by his lovely Barbie, Heidi. Who wouldn’t love a guy so charming with his creepy flesh colored beard and all?

8. The Situation
Pauly D? Yes please. As for The Situation, this old-as-balls washed up Guido can get out. Creep!

7. Dane Cook
If I wanted to be with someone unfunny, obnoxious and sweaty, then he’d be the perfect man. Seriously, can you imagine the arm-flailing this guy would pull in the bedroom? Ugh.

6. Chris Brown
Enough said.

5. Perez Hilton
Now I know he isn’t into girls and I know he hates John Mayer (probably even more than I do), but still, certifiable douche. Leave Miley alone!

4. P.Diddy
No, I do not want to wake up in the morning feeling like I’m a cocky, entitled, untalented a**hole.

3. Kanye West
Although I am totally team Kanye over that devil child T.Swift, I could never date this man. If John Mayer and his egos got into a fight, it would be a tough call, but I’m sure Kanye’s would take a cheap shot and win.

2. Tom Cruise
Dude is just straight up creepy.

1. John Mayer
What can I say? He’s an a**hole AND his music sucks. And seriously? That O face? Ugh.

Things ended when he moved out to L.A. after graduation, but we kept in touch online and through Facebook ever since.

So when I clicked on my Facebook event notification and saw that he’d be back in town in a couple months, my first instinct was to accept the invite to the party in his honor.

That is, until I saw the Facebook wall.

One of his buddies, whom I’ve never met in my life, wrote on the wall: “Hey Blake, you should call that Melanie chick. That alcoholic nympho will probably get so excited she’ll bust a clasp on her straight jacket.”

Wow. What?!

Directly following Doucheface’s comment, Blake responded with a nice “hahahaha.”

Shocked, embarrassed and angry, I confronted Blake about the whole thing. He fed me some baloney about his friend “taking stories and blowing them out of proportion” and brushed me off like it was no big deal. I was not amused. I mean, this was not some private issue; my name was being slandered in a very public place.

I waited a couple days to see if Blake would delete the comment. He didn’t.
Naturally, I declined the invite to this Mel-bashing soiree.

The sad thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve been Facebook blasted. I’ve seen terrible comments about me on friends’ walls as well. Do these people think I’m not going to see it? Or are they too afraid to talk sh*t to me in person? Why would anyone think it is OK to use Facebook as a sh*t talking battle ground?

I get that these Facebook blasters are fugly, useless degenerates and not particularly worth my time, but what really irks me is the fact that these rude insults about me are floating around on the internet for everyone to see and I have no way to stop it. No way to defend myself. I’m being bullied and I can’t fight back.

Have any of you ever been a victim of Facebook hate? Share your stories below.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

There are no words for Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s couple costume…

Au natural must-haves…

David Caruso is the celebrity douchbag o’ the week!

Someone was attacked by a liger…seriously they exist.

Seth Rogan wants to do porn with Jonah Hill…

Grossest Halloween candy ever!!

Mineral Makeup: Too legit to quit, or too good to be true?

Elections are right around the corner..what we really need a chick in office

When is the right time to show your BF your…crazy side?

Creepy cocktails for Halloween! Yum!!!

George W. likes what he sees at the Olympics

Cuteness Alert: High-fiving dog and adorable baby

A “Trophy Ring” for “Douchebags”

Just let me drink my damn caffeine in peace

Hey, Daniel Radcliff…spare some change?

I want to see Tropic Thunder…but these people don’t

No, really, thank God they invented this. My life was really unlivable without it

Adorable remake of the Dark Knight trailer

Imagine if they were all on the rag together?

Thinking of doing the Detox Diet? Think again

The United States of Cheap Beer

I know! I know! Everything that I do is intended to give John Sellers – and, by extension, all men – raging boners. I think of him all day long, from selecting my outfit in the morning until the moment that I slip between the covers to dream of his sweet, manly embrace. I imagine that it’s much the same for you. He is Details writer John Sellers, for God’s sake. The female half of the world hangs on his every byline.

Yet, in his recent piece, “The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls,” it’s clear that we have failed him greatly. It’s ostensibly about women who make fart jokes (or burp jokes, or poop jokes, etc.) and how horrible they are. (I know, right? Having a functional set of organs is totally grody. It’s even worse when women aren’t ashamed of their own bodies! Yuck.) Yet its underlying theme is far simpler: J.S. wants women – all women – to know that their purpose in life is to turn him on.

“It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O’Donnell,” he writes. “But the trouble is they’re all smoking hot. It’s their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy.”

That’s right: their JOB! Take a look at the offenders that he lists in his article: Cameron Diaz (burped on TV), Sarah Silverman (makes poop jokes), Avril Lavigne (spit in public). You might look at this list and think actress, comedian, musician. You would be wrong. No matter what these ladies do to earn a living, they share the same occupation: provider of masturbatory fantasies to John Sellers. And they are failing.

So, what does this gentleman find sexy? It’s clearly not fat chicks! Or Cameron Diaz! So, what is it? Tell us, John!

Most guys would agree that it’s kind of hot when women aren’t too girly. Far from being rendered intolerable by a few tomboyish traits, a woman who wants to go to a baseball game with you or skips a glass of rosé in favor of a few Buds at your favorite dive bar is a turn-on.

Got that, ladies? When you sacrifice your own interests so that you can do whatever your boyfriend wants, it’s TOTALLY HOT! Who wants a girl with her own hobbies, or – God forbid – her own favorite drink?

And lots of guys find a girl dressed in a hoodie, T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers to be sexy.

OH THANK GOD. It’s okay to wear pants sometimes, because they give dudes hard-ons! Before this article clued me in, my entire wardrobe consisted of sparkly thongs and high-heeled platforms. Let me tell you: the winters were tough.

Yet, although John has generously allowed us to wear clothing and drink beer, we’ll never be able to match the glory of real live dudes. Farting? Spitting? Running for President? Dudes have it all covered.

If we want to hang out with someone who behaves like a man, we’ll hang out with, you know, an actual man.

Of course. So, John: I know it’s cute when girls wear sneakers and know how baseball works – it’s like dogs wearing people clothes! – and gross when we act like “men” by, like, having autonomy and not tailoring our every gesture to please the dudes. But can you give us an example? Is there, perhaps, an actress on whom we could model ourselves?

See Natalie Portman, who rapped and swore mannishly (and hilariously) in a much-YouTubed Saturday Night Live sketch but has preserved her schoolgirlish appeal.

Oh, thanks John! That’s…. wait. WHAT? “Schoolgirlish appeal?” Oh my sweet Jesus, he likes women who act like little… EW.

EW. EW. EW.

Wait. Hold on. Let me collect myself.

OH NO OH GOD I CAN’T EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I don’t have to explain why this is bad, do I? Everyone knows that it’s not OK to excoriate women publicly for not being “sexy,” because that’s based on the assumption that women exist to service men sexually, and that their worth is determined by men’s desire or lack of desire for said service. You go to college. You get it. So I’ll put aside the social critique, and say, simply, this:

I don’t normally laugh at fart jokes. But, for some reason, the idea of Cameron Diaz pinning this man down and farting on his face until he cries… well, that’s hilarious.