No one likes a hot mess.  Okay, well that’s not exactly true.  We looove LocaLohan and anyone who has been an E! True Hollywood Story, but when it comes to college it’s best to leave the crazy work to the professionals.

This means your roommate doesn’t want to disrobe your unconscious body at 3 a.m., the girls down the hall don’t want to carry you naked into the shower, and you don’t want to clean up your vom from under the bed the following morning.  The first week of school is when you’ll be at your most susceptible to making such novice mistakes.  You’re new, you’ve yet to fall victim to the Freshman Fifteen, and the older guys are taking full notice of these facts.

Stay in your hallmates’ good graces and prevent the puke with these oh-so-simple drinking Dos and Don’ts…

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There comes a time in every young woman’s life when she looks at her roommate laying on the bathroom floor at the bar and says to herself “it’s time to take her to the hospital home.” Of course there were signs all night that it wasn’t going to end well. Such as when she went outside to boot and rally. Or when she wrestled some stranger’s phone out of his hands (she dropped hers into a pitcher of beer) so she can call her high school ex. And of course there was that moment when she was standing on top of a wobbly table singing some song that sounds like a mix between Journey and Piano Man.

Does none of this sound familiar to a night at your school? Well just check out the photos below and try to remember that if you ever see anything like that in real life, it’s time to take your friend home…and put a garbage can next to her bed.

[Click on the photos for even MORE drunkeness] Read More »

Dear Drunk Girl,

Hi sweetie. Long time no see. I take that back. I saw you last Friday. Same place, same hazy look in your eyes, different black dress that falls down to expose your bra. This one doesn’t have vomit on it… yet! Congratulations.

As much as going out and drinking in college is an integral part of your experience, I don’t think you serenading a fraternity with “Like a Virgin” into your half-empty Smirnoff handle (your makeshift microphone) while balancing on a coffee table is necessarily the right way to spend your Tuesday night.

You were very stylish at the beginning of the night. Your dress hung perfectly, eyelashes were curled, hair was straightened, heels were spotless and your jewelry matched. However, after those three, four or five shots of Patron? That sexy little dress you picked up at the Saks sale is riding up and showing off your embarrassing leopard print boy shorts. The mascara you so diligently applied is now running down your face after your tearful breakdown about how much you “love everyone sooooo much” and “like, can’t wait to have you all as my bridesmaids.” You seem to have more hair in your face than in your ponytail and one of your high heels is nowhere to be found. Check yourself, honey. Read More »

Dearest Sloptart,

As much as I would love to silently judge your drunken mistakes, I can’t help but  laugh it off, talk about you to my friends and hope that I just caught you after you had a horrible week (which is slightly understandable, right?) However, in most cases, I caught you in your element, flashing the party your new bedazzled thong while sloppily trying to climb up on the beer pong table to dance.  Ohh, here we go…

There are a few ways that you can tell you’re “that mess” the entire party is talking about (but you can’t hear because you’re busy screaming the lyrics of “If You Seek Amy”). Read More »