No one likes a hot mess.  Okay, well that’s not exactly true.  We looove LocaLohan and anyone who has been an E! True Hollywood Story, but when it comes to college it’s best to leave the crazy work to the professionals.

This means your roommate doesn’t want to disrobe your unconscious body at 3 a.m., the girls down the hall don’t want to carry you naked into the shower, and you don’t want to clean up your vom from under the bed the following morning.  The first week of school is when you’ll be at your most susceptible to making such novice mistakes.  You’re new, you’ve yet to fall victim to the Freshman Fifteen, and the older guys are taking full notice of these facts.

Stay in your hallmates’ good graces and prevent the puke with these oh-so-simple drinking Dos and Don’ts…

Do Eat a Good Dinner
I get it, you want to stay fit.  That’s what the gym is for, not the salad bar before a night of hitting up the frat houses.  You won’t make it two cups of jungle juice into the night before feeling the need to call it quits if you’re entree was a handful of green beans.  (Except, let’s get real.  You won’t call it quits.  You’ll switch to beer and keep on drinkin’ til you’re hugging the toilet.)  Instead, eat the damn turkey sandwich.  And grab a side of fries, too.

Pregame in Moderation
Everyone knows “that” girl, and I bet you’ll get to know her pretty quickly, too.  She’s the girl who pounds shots at 8 p.m. and is passed out next to a trash basket while everyone else is adjusting their hair and getting ready to gallivant.  The guys won’t touch her for fear she’ll projectile on their classy posters and girls don’t want her booting on their boots.  It’s all right to know that girl, just don’t be that girl.

Mix and Mingle, Just Don’t Mix While You Mingle
Bottom line: pick a drink and stick to it.  If you love rum, then BYO and grab some Cokes off a willing dude.  If beer’s more your thing, know there will be kegs everywhere.  Like something a bit fruitier- frat house mystery mixes are delish and “hey baby, you can barely taste the booze.”  But beware not to do a taste test of all available liquids lest you become the human puke machine.

Know Your Limit
So you’re drunk.  Congratulations!  What now?  The party’s not over, and you don’t feel like going home.  Hell, you feel like dancing around that pole you spotted in the basement.  Before you do, take a quick reading:

1. Stand still.  Is the room spinning?
2. Can you feel your tongue?
3. How many times per minute do you flip your hair?

If you answered, “Omigod, how did I get on a boooooaaat!”, “Whyzmahmoutallnumb?”, and “Whatever.  So what if I have long flowing locks like Tyra Banks?”, then guess what kiddo – you’re dunzo.

There comes a time in every young woman’s life when she looks at her roommate laying on the bathroom floor at the bar and says to herself “it’s time to take her to the hospital home.” Of course there were signs all night that it wasn’t going to end well. Such as when she went outside to boot and rally. Or when she wrestled some stranger’s phone out of his hands (she dropped hers into a pitcher of beer) so she can call her high school ex. And of course there was that moment when she was standing on top of a wobbly table singing some song that sounds like a mix between Journey and Piano Man.

Does none of this sound familiar to a night at your school? Well just check out the photos below and try to remember that if you ever see anything like that in real life, it’s time to take your friend home…and put a garbage can next to her bed.

[Click on the photos for even MORE drunkeness]

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2010/07/08/88-signs-its-time-to-leave-the-bar/feed/ 19 ccandystaff 88-signs Drunken-Girl-Shamings-7 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-2 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-7-123 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-4-90 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-5-101 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-6-112 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-8-134 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-3 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-9-145 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-10-2 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-12-24 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-16-64 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-5 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-8 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-4 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-6 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-25-74 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-24-73 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-27-76 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-28-77 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-10 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-11 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-9 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-12 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-29-78 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-30-80 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-31-81 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-32-82 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-49-100 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-50-102 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-54-106 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-68-121 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-18 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-21 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-20 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-64-117 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-22 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-23 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-24 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-25 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-27 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-26 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-28 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-29 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-97-153 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-98-154 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-99-155 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-100-3 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-95-151 Drunken-Girl-Shamings-32 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-87-142 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-103-6 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-113-17 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-114-18 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-115-19 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-116-20 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-117-21 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-118-22 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-105-8 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-149-56 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-121-26 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-122-27 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-123-28 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-124-29 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-125-30 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-126-31 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-127-32 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-128-33 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-129-34 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-130-36 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-131-37 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-132-38 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-133-39 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-134-40 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-135-41 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-136-42 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-137-43 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-138-44 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-139-45 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-140-47 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-141-48 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-142-49 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-143-50 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-144-51 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-145-52 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-146-53 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-147-54 Passed-Out-Drunk-Girl-148-55 http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/04/an-open-letter-to-that-girl/ http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/04/an-open-letter-to-that-girl/#comments Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:00:05 +0000 Melanie - Northeastern University http://collegecandy.com/?p=29729 ]]> Dear Drunk Girl,

Hi sweetie. Long time no see. I take that back. I saw you last Friday. Same place, same hazy look in your eyes, different black dress that falls down to expose your bra. This one doesn’t have vomit on it… yet! Congratulations.

As much as going out and drinking in college is an integral part of your experience, I don’t think you serenading a fraternity with “Like a Virgin” into your half-empty Smirnoff handle (your makeshift microphone) while balancing on a coffee table is necessarily the right way to spend your Tuesday night.

You were very stylish at the beginning of the night. Your dress hung perfectly, eyelashes were curled, hair was straightened, heels were spotless and your jewelry matched. However, after those three, four or five shots of Patron? That sexy little dress you picked up at the Saks sale is riding up and showing off your embarrassing leopard print boy shorts. The mascara you so diligently applied is now running down your face after your tearful breakdown about how much you “love everyone sooooo much” and “like, can’t wait to have you all as my bridesmaids.” You seem to have more hair in your face than in your ponytail and one of your high heels is nowhere to be found. Check yourself, honey.

Is that pimply beast of a guy you’re making out with in front of everyone your boyfriend? Hope not, because you just made out with his best friend four minutes ago when you assaulted him against the beer pong table. Yes, beer pong winner is impressive, but it’s not like he just saved a child from a fire. Speaking of, can we talk about your beer pong game? It’s called beer pong for a reason. Not “mass amounts of vodka and a splash of cranberry” pong. When you’ve reached that point where hard liquor in the beer pong cups seems like a good idea, you’ve gone too far.

No, no one wants to split a supreme pizza with you, go to the strip club “just for fun,” drunk dial the Dean’s office or add a rule in any drinking game that involves getting naked. Drunk girl, it’s the middle of the week and don’t you have a final tomorrow? And stop yelling at the poor guy who made your drink – there is plenty of vodka in there and not his fault that you just can’t TASTE it anymore.

I love you, drunk girl. Because, sometimes, I am you. But even when I’m not, I still adore you because I have a great time making fun of you and drawing penises all over you when you pass out on the floor of some random living room amidst a Tila Tequila marathon.

XOXO,
Melanie

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

As much as I would love to silently judge your drunken mistakes, I can’t help but  laugh it off, talk about you to my friends and hope that I just caught you after you had a horrible week (which is slightly understandable, right?) However, in most cases, I caught you in your element, flashing the party your new bedazzled thong while sloppily trying to climb up on the beer pong table to dance.  Ohh, here we go…

There are a few ways that you can tell you’re “that mess” the entire party is talking about (but you can’t hear because you’re busy screaming the lyrics of “If You Seek Amy”).

- Dancing with your arms above your head…to every song…on a table.
- Tossing your cookies on people or just barely before reaching the bathroom.
- Falling down (or even up) the stairs in front of everyone.
- Crying over…literally anything and everything
- “Oh my goddd i lovvee you!”
- Not being afraid to make out with that random guy (or girl) for a few pictures.
- Passing out in random places and finding “please insert here” with an arrow pointing down on your stomach when you wake up.
- Slowly disrobing at a rate of… every five minutes or less.
- Finding yourself hugging the toilet bowl at the end of the night tighter than when you hugged your teddy bear a decade earlier

Well, home girl, don’t sweat your already smeared makeup off, because I’m not criticizing!  This letter is for you drunkies who have taught me many valuable lessons from you’re absolutely annihilated nights.  After much observing of your dazed decisions, I don’t want to say “WTF is wrong with you!?” What I really want to say is Thanks.

Thanks for making me look so much better, mature, put together, and all around sexy while standing next to your drunk ass.

Thanks for being brave enough to steal that 40 oz. from the fridge, and then dumb enough to hand it over to me, FO’ FREE!

Thanks for running down the street screaming with just a tank top and jeans on (in 30 degree weather), allowing the cops to easily spot and tackle you before they get to me.

Thanks for leaving your jacket at the party. I love my new fleece!

Thanks for passing out in the bathroom so I could start flirting with the guy you were falling all over all night.

Thanks for drunkenly opening a tab and offering free drinks to everyone standing around you.

Thanks for giving me and my friends something to laugh at that night, and days later.

But most importantly, Thanks for teaching me how NOT to act at a party.