I miss my boys. Sigh.

I’m girly to the core.

I love pink (even though no one in New York wears it; what the hell?), I’m fussy about what shampoo I use and, if I had the option, I would wear dresses every single day. I’ve never had brothers and even my dog is a girly girl, but I have always found myself being happiest around the dudes. My best friends are guys, and I definitely prefer nights watching them scream at the TV while playing Call of Duty to sipping cosmos and having Sex-and-the-City-esque discussions with the ladies.

I lived with guys for a year and I loved every second of it. I’m not sure why, but recently I moved in with a girl. And it’s been… different. Sure, it’s nice to have someone tidy and not stinky who DVRs The Bachelor religiously, but I miss my guys. Why? Well, why don’t I just give you 10 lovely reasons.

10. They tell it like it is
Boys don’t write passive aggressive notes, Facebook messages or emails. They don’t hold grudges or sleep with your boyfriend. They’re direct; if you screw up, they yell and it sucks for about thirty seconds, but moments later you’ll be back to bumming it on the couch laughing over South Park like nothing ever happened.

9. They don’t judge
You know that look that girls give you? The up and down look and then the miniature comment along the lines of “You’re wearing that out?” or “You’re funnyyyy.” Yeah, guys? Don’t care.

8. Don’t like doing dishes? No problem!
Of course no one likes living in filth, but I do miss the days of not breaking out in a sweat picking up every little thing, or using a coaster, or, caring about drapes. The days when the dining room table was a plastic beer pong table covered in empty Keystone cans and Solo cups. Sigh. Such sweet memories.

7. Best. Cooks. Ever.
I don’t know if it was just me, but every guy roomie I ever had was a phenomenal chef. Girls would rather get takeout, but the guys would want to do these home-cooked fantastic meals. Thrifty and tasty. Mmmmm.

6. Down for ANYTHING
Tuesday night? Let’s go to the bar. Wednesday night? Let’s go wander around New York or Boston and find the best 24-hour spots. Sunday afternoon? Bar. Basically, any time I would come home, someone would be down to go out or have a good time.

5. Hellooo, friends!
I never had any interest in my guy roommates, but ohmygod, major perk? Guys bring around more guys. Gorgeous, lacrosse guys.

4. Big Brother 24/7
As someone who never had a brother who had my back, it was always great to get a guy on my side, ready to pummel any creep at the bar or punk who tried to wrong me.

3. Unlimited Comfy Clothes
Okay, so maybe they don’t have cute cocktail dresses to borrow on Friday nights, but those oversized sweatshirts are just the thing when trekking to class at 8AM.

2. No drama
Never have I ever dealt with a boy roomie weepy over his exes, drowning in ice cream and romantic comedies.

1. Totally comfortable
No matter what, I was never uncomfortable in my apartment and neither were my friends and boyfriend. Guys welcome people with open arms, and, well, girls don’t. If I’m doing my own thing, my BF always had someone to chat with about football and my friends had someone cute to hook up with automatically. Whenever I lived with guys, it was drama-free and it was home. And I miss it.

If you haven’t lived with guys yet, try it out!

I love dudes.  Straight up, dudes are amazing with their tallness and deep voices and facial hair and whatnot.  I even like their ability to eat astounding amounts of food and their random, dorky humor.  There are so many awesome things about guys that girls in general just don’t have.

However, there are some things that girls have that guys should just stay away from.  These things mostly exist in the realm of fashion (and make-up, but we won’t go there because dudes should not wear make-up, period.  We’re talking to you, Adam Lambert).  Here is the list of the most heinous fashion crimes committed by the male population:

Super Skinny Jeans

Some dudes have fabulous legs, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather see them tanning under a pair of board shorts at the beach than outlined in super tight, stretchy denim.  Oh, and guess what?  Your junk doesn’t look so hot when it’s squeezed to one side of a pair of low-riding jeans that you probably stole from my dirty laundry basket.

Murses

Do guys really need to carry that much stuff around?  Dudes should have a wallet, a phone, and some keys (preferably to an amazing apartment and a hot car, but I digress).  That’s it.  If you have anything else, then it better be schoolbooks or gym clothes, in which case you can get a messenger bag.  A MANLY messenger bag.

Manpris

Guys may think they look European and stylish, but they really just look like they stole my mother’s pants by mistake for the walk of shame home on a Sunday morning.  Capris are barely acceptable for women, so men should definitely not embrace the manpri trend.  Guess what – you look stocky, short and ridiculous in them, too.

Male Gladiator Sandals

WHAT!  Men are trying to steal this glorious trend away from us??  I have so many issues with this.  First and foremost, dudes have ugly feet.  No joking, as much as I love dudes, I can’t stand their feet.  I definitely do not want to see those hairy, unwashed monsters in a pair of strappy gladiators.  Don’t even think about getting a pedicure and using that as an excuse to wear them, either (…again, I suspect Adam Lambert).

Male Headbands

Dude. WTF.  If a guy has long hair, I’m down with that (really down with that), but do not try to style it up with a headband and then rock out at the local bar.  Let it be free, homie.  And if your hair isn’t long and you’re still trying to rock the head gear?  We’re gonna have to address those issues later…

Anything Bought In The Women’s Section

Seriously?  There isn’t enough clothing on the male side of the store, they have to skulk over to our side?  I understand that some dudes are slender and need a different cut than the rest of the American male population, but there are stores that specifically cater to those kinds of men (yay, Uniqlo and American Apparel!).  If only guys would do some research, they could find plenty of male clothing lines that have fantastic style and cuts.  Stay. Out. Of. My. Section.  I already have to fight off that hipster biotch for those rad jeans – I don’t want to have to throw an elbow at a dude, too.

OMG. Drooling.

While walking to the gym the other day, I found myself walking behind a group of boys en route to the bar for some afternoon drinking. Well, I assume that was where they were heading. I didn’t hear much of what they were saying after I noticed one of them was wearing a pair of Sevens that hugged his butt just right and lay perfectly atop his pair of vintage-inspired sneakers.

I was so caught up in my imagination (read: those jeans piled up on my floor) that I didn’t notice when the boys stopped for a red light…and I walked right into them. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, I literally had drool dripping down my chin.

What can I say? There are just some things I can’t resist, and a hot pair of jeans is one of them. Everyone has their vice, so this week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share what makes them weak in the knees. What’s your weakness?

Alex – Lakehead University: I can’t resist a pair of thick, black glasses and a great smile. I like happy nerds.

Sara C – Fordham: I love a man in a suit. There’s something about a clean-pressed shirt and tie that makes me want to rip all the clothes right off!

Norah – Drake University: Intelligence – and an Irish accent. Irresistible.

Leah – Ryerson University: I’m a sucker for a guy who can play guitar and sing.

Kathryn – University of Wisconsin-Madison: Piercing blue eyes and really long eyelashes. Guys always seem to luck out and get naturally long lashes while girls try every mascara under the sun to get that extra “oomph.”

Liza M – Minnesota: Nothing is better than a guy who smells good! Bonus points if he’s wearing Aqua De Gio instead of Axe.

Ness – Sheridan: Sex eyes.

Katie – Michigan State University: Styled hair.  Not gelled or lame crap like that, but cut and styled…like, Asian style.  Hell, I might as well just say, “If they’re Asian, I can’t resist them.”

Lauren H – The New School: Ok, it’s cheesy, but a great smile just does it for me the way nothing else can. Not a half-hearted smile, but a real “I’m happy to see you” smile puts me all a-flutter.

Kari – FSU: Mouth watering kisses… I love swooning!

Cristina – Michigan State: BROWN EYES.  If it’s a certain shade of brown eyes, I stop breathing for a few minutes.  In a good way.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: A good set of v-lines. *drool*

Marisa – Wesleyan University – I have a thing for guys with thick, dark hair. Nothing hotter than that!

Kelly- Simmons College: Strong arms are my weakness.

Donyae – University of Maryland: Tattoos and piercings. That’s two, really, but they kinda go hand in hand don’t they? And the crazier they are the better.

Erica – Kent State: I LOVE abnormally tall guys (think 6’2″ & taller).  I am just like, instantly attracted to them.

Carrie – Duke: I love when a guy sports a simple, white T-shirt. (And if he happens to pair the look with shaggy brown hair and toned arms, that won’t hurt either.)

Lena Chen – Harvard: Good taste in restaurants. I like men with discerning tongues!

K – GW: This may sound weird, but I always notice a guy’s voice and the way they talk, I think it says a lot about a person (I don’t just mean accent, however an Aussie accent and you are cordially invited to my bedroom).

Carly – Grinnell: If he smells really good, I’m done for. (Un)fortunately, this doesn’t happen very often.

Abby – Syracuse University: A backwards hat. I think it’s the Midwestern, country girl in me…

Maddie – Tufts: Facial hair when it’s not too short, not too long. The perfect amount of scruff.

Not me. But it turns out that great dudes are all over the place—you just have to know where to look and how to strike. Read on.

1. Smile.
This might sound dumb, but everybody’s attracted to a good smile. You can’t pick up a guy if you look sour, so flash those pearly whites. You never know when somebody cute is going to look your way.

2. Be who you wish you were.
If you’re shy but you really want to be outgoing and flirty, what’s stopping you? It’s hard to overcome labels you’ve placed on yourself, but you’re the only person who has the power to change things. So rather than slinking back into a corner, cross the room and talk to that hot dude. And hold your head up like you mean it.

3. Be open.
This does not translate to “Be desperate.” Instead, what I mean is that you should believe that you can meet guys anywhere—including at the grocery store. You don’t have to actively look, but you do have to acknowledge that the possibility is always there.

4. Be charming, but stay yourself.
Sometimes, I put out my best traits right away when I meet a guy in hopes that I’ll be able to nab him. It usually works, but the relationship doesn’t have much staying power when he realizes I have other personality traits that aren’t compatible with his. You can be charming and be 100% yourself at the same time, and that’s something I fully recommend. If you turn out to really like a guy, the relationship is much more likely to last a while if you show him who you are right away.

5. Look hot.
To everyone who says looks don’t matter, I say, “Are you kidding me?” Of course they matter, and that’s why you should heed the advice of the “What Not to Wear” crew when they say that you should always look great. Plus, caring about your appearance and putting together a look shows that you care about yourself, and that’s hot, too.

6. Don’t discriminate.
If the emo guy who keeps smiling at you in class isn’t exactly your type, don’t discount him just because you spend your nights dreaming about jocks. Emo Dude could have a few surprises in store and a killer sense of humor, and you’d never know unless you took a chance on him. So go for some variety!

If you are single, that means it is a day to fill that lonely void with family, football, frosting-covered desserts. If you are in a relationship, that means it is time for some meeting of the parents, whether your boy is meeting yours, or you are heading home with him for the holiday.

You meeting his parents? You will do fine – moms always love their son’s girlfriends.

Is he meeting yours? Well, that is a whole different story.

Many of us don’t think much of this moment; we just want our parents to meet the new dude in our lives. But to guys, meeting the parents is huge. Momentous. Monumental. OhMyGodSheWantsToGetMarried!!!

At least that’s what I gathered from my ex boyfriend who ran to the hills when I invited him to my parents’ for dinner. I thought maybe he didn’t like burgers, but as one of my male advisors explained, the meat was the least of his problems. It was the dinner guests that were the real issue.

Why is it such a big deal? Why can’t guys just man up and handle a free dinner? Let’s see what a guy had to say…

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“I hated the f**king noodle dance! I don’t need to do a dance when I get an idea – f**k you! That’s why you’re otters! If you were smarter, you’d be a more highly evolved mammal! And you wouldn’t need to break sh*t on your stomachs to eat it!”

“So we’re gonna put the thing there.”

“No, we can’t put the thing there, you a**holes!”

“Why are we a**holes, Steve, why are we a**holes? You think we’re a**holes because we can’t put the thing where you want.”

“Dude, it’s the f**king thing! It has to go there! A**hole.”

“That’s not a deer, that’s an ingénue!”

“Yo, Team Food Butthole stinks. Team Food A**hole is Awesome!”

“Hey, I’m Nate. Nice to meet you.”

“Cool. I’m Kevin – I’m this dude’s brother. Yeah. We came out of the same hole. Nice to meet you too.”

“Gimme some french fries.”

“Dude, stop it, you have your own fries!”

“I want to put them on my pizza.”

“Weren’t you trying to lose weight?”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m eating french fry pizza.”

A guy and a girl are walking through the Student Union, with giant empty boxes over their heads.

“Hey, Brenda, check it out! I’m a box turtle!”

“What?”

“A box turtle… get it?”

“Yeah. You know what, shut up, Dan. This was a terrible idea.”

“Okay, so here’s the scenario: you’re trapped in a burning building, and you can’t get to any exits. There’s a big hose attached to the wall, though.”

“I’d probably turn on the hose.”

“Uh-oh! The hose is filled with lighter fluid! You just got f**ked, man.”

“I hate you.”

It provides all the benefits of early-onset dementia (mood swings! personality changes! lack of judgment!) while simultaneously allowing you to spend time with someone you may not recognize a few months from now.

As time passes, your crush will inevitably fade. You’ll stop idealizing your partner and start thinking of him as a person who has some flaws. If he’s basically a good guy, this is a positive development, one more step along the road to Creating a Healthy Relationship with Realistic blah blah Boundaries blah blah Suburbs blah Kids. But if he’s a freak…

Many of us are completely taken aback when our boyfriends reveal some hitherto unknown talent for Olympic-level douchery. But here’s the thing: almost inevitably, when a problem arises, it is related to something your dude already warned you about months ago. You just weren’t listening. Because you had Alzheimer’s.

Well, Alzheim no more! I’ve compiled a handy list of red flags: statements that, even in the throes of passionate week-and-a-half-old love, should make you take a second look at the person you’re dating.

#1:

HE SAYS: “I’m not really looking for a girlfriend.”

THAT MEANS: “I will never be your boyfriend.”

NOTES: Are you OK with never being his girlfriend? If so, mazel tov! If not, well… it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to be in a relationship. Don’t be that girl who thinks she can make a dude’s commitment issues disappear with her vagina.

#2:

HE SAYS: “Some people think I drink too much.”

THAT MEANS: “I need booze to live.”

NOTES: Yes, you’re in college, and everybody drinks. Drinking can be lots of fun. You know what’s not fun?

Being in a relationship with an addict. Think back to the most horrible child you ever babysat – the one who wouldn’t stop putting crayons up his nose, and threw a fit when you tried to stop him. It’s exactly like that, but for “crayons” read “cocaine,” and for “child” read “terrifying man-baby.” At every party, you’ll be the girl going, “honey, maybe it’s not good for you to have that fifteenth beer,” and he’ll be like, “don’t you try to change me,” and then he’ll throw up on you. Stop trying to take care of him and start looking for a guy who knows how to take care of himself.

#3:

HE SAYS: “My ex-girlfriend was such a bitch.”

THAT MEANS: “I am such an asshole to my girlfriends.”

NOTES: Yeah, things didn’t work out, and that’s rough, but the fact that he’s still talking crap about her indicates that he can be petty, resentful, and, frankly, a little trigger-happy when it comes to assigning blame – all qualities you will get to enjoy over the course of your doomed relationship. If you’re one of those girls who honestly believes that EVERYONE he has EVER dated is terrible, and that you are the ONLY non-psychotic female he’s ever touched (because you can save him, of course), well, enjoy it while it lasts. When you break

up, be prepared for people to start asking if you actually kill kittens for fun, or if it’s more of a religious thing.

#4:

HE SAYS: “My ex-girlfriend was so amazing.”

THAT MEANS: “Get ready for some unflattering comparisons!”

NOTES: Look, relationships are about three people – you, your boyfriend, and the Bavarian gymnast you eventually recruit for a three-way when things get boring. His ex might be a Pulitzer-winning underwear model who spends her weekends curing cancer and giving puppies to sad orphans, but unless she was hit by a bus and you met at her funeral, there is no reason to discuss her. He left her, she left him, whatever, it’s over, and you are what’s happening now. Don’t date someone who treats you like a runner-up.

#5:

HE SAYS: “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you.”

THAT MEANS: There’s no verbal translation for this one. Just maniacal laughter and the sound of a revving chainsaw.

NOTES: Someone who is “afraid” that he’ll hurt you is, in fact, going to hurt you. He’s not even afraid of it. He’s actually bragging, in that “I am hot and losing my magical candy penis will no doubt crush your soul” way that dudes still, somehow, believe we find attractive. The “girls love bad boys” myth is the most pernicious excuse for assy male behavior in the history of space and time, and this line manages to be sublimely arrogant while simultaneously making no sense.

Why does he think he can hurt you? And, if he’s going to hurt you, why should you want to hang out with him? Here’s a hint: you don’t. Subject him to the No Sex Penalty immediately, and go find someone who does not aim to disappoint.

[SUPER AWESOME SCREEN CAPTURE taken from sydlexia.com. He is a bad dude! Do not be Player 2!]

The 5 BEST places to meet men (According to ME!)

Sporting event- Let’s face it, most men love sports. Men also love women who love sports… and women who wear baseball hats (trust me on this one). And being in a college town, there is no shortage of men or sporting events. So grab a baseball hat and head to the B-ball game!

In line for The Dark Knight (or insert other highly anticipated dude-flick here). Think about how many hours YOU waited in line for the Sex and the City movie, surrounded by all that estrogen (which confused your body so much that you got your period, TWICE). How happy would you have been if there was some man-candy there (gay or dragged along by his girlfriend clearly doesn’t count). Now reverse the sitch. 100 dudes, 1 chick. And a chick who is also waiting to see Batman (in a baseball hat)?! Done aaaand done.

Class: We all have that cute boy in class. The one who comes looking like a disheveled mess who was out partying all night – on a Monday - but is actually smart and eloquent and totally into today’s discussion (but not in the teacher suck-up sort of way). Class is a great time to actually get to know someone – because, lets face it- if you would have met him last night at the bar, chances are nothing would have come of it. So suggest a study date!

Dorm: Living in the dorm is like being at glorified summer camp only better, longer, and includes booze. The best part? You don’t have to bunkhop with a flashlight in the middle of the night to go see your crush.

Vacation: This is PRIME time to meet someone, ladies. Everyone is on the prowl on vacay and it doesn’t hurt that everyone is all about margaritas on vacation too. So take advantage. I can’t tell you how many relationship/marriage stories I know of people who met while on vacation.

So that completes my running list of best places to man hunt. Now ladies, we all could use some help on this one… share below! I’ll see you in line for Star Wars in a few weeks…

[Photo courtesy of Flickr.com]

Sometimes, the best things in life come unexpectedly. Like that time you ran into a store “just to browse” and you found a rockin pair of jeans for super cheap. Or when you got randomly paired up with your roommate and now you can’t imagine how you lived the last 20 years without her- you swear you must have been separated at birth.

This got us thinking – that perhaps, the best MEN in life also come unexpectedly… not only is timing everything, but apparently so is location. So we’ve put together the 5 most unlikely places to meet a man. Try them out or try out an unlikely place of you very own…

The 5 Most Unlikely Places to Meet a Man

Fro-Yo Shop: Usually these places are jam packed with annoyingly chatty, trendy, dieting chicks. But on the rare occasion you find the cute guy whose sister/ex-girlfriend/mom convinced him to try it and now he’s hooked. Hook- Line and Sinker that is.

Massive Sale: I have to say I was AMAZED by the number of HOT men at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale last week. Men like to shop too, ladies. And no that doesn’t mean they are gay! What it does mean is that they will be happy to accompany you on a trip to the mall! Can you say Keeper?!

Hair Salon: Fact is our boys need hair cuts too…. Meeting one while your hair is wrapped in foils that make you look like you are channeling outer space? Always Special. But if you are confident to talk to him looking like that, chances are he is going to appreciate the gesture and ask you out.

New Kids on the Block (or other pop-star) Concert: Sure you are chomping at the bit to get your hands on tickets to see your heart throbs back in concert- but while you were 7 screaming about the Right Stuff, our male counterparts were playing with Ninja Turtles and GI Joe’s. But you never know; there are always the guys who are forced to go for work or who work for the band… or who are IN the band.

Yoga Class: There is nothing like being in a Downward Dog peering at a HOT guy with no shirt on from between your legs. Just what you needed to get you through your workout (and coming back all week). Now you get to stare at his ass all class long. I will Namaste to that. Best. Day. Ever.

[Photo courtesy of NYTimes.com]

Don’t worry. You will. And soon.

The New York Times Magazine is running a cover piece by Gould this Sunday. It’s ostensibly about “the dangers of oversharing on the Internet,” and is actually the culmination of a breakup sadder and less significant than anyone could possibly imagine. The story goes like this:

Josh blogged. Emily blogged. They blogged together on Gawker. They screwed. She blogged about them screwing. He read her blog about them screwing. He wrote an article about her blogging about them screwing. She wrote an article about his article about her blogging about them screwing. Gawker blogged about her article about his article about her blogging about them screwing, and so the whole universe devoured

itself, as in the end of Southland Tales when the two Seann William Scotts finally meet, thereby creating a rift in the time/space continuum.

This, by the way, is why my boyfriend is not allowed to read CollegeCandy.

I am not shy about using my intimate life as fodder for my blogs. I will tell you which vibrator I use, what kind of birth control I prefer, how I deal with breakups (hint: drinking), which arguments I’ve had recently and why, who I’ve slept with, and what I’ve regretted about those experiences. I like to think that I’m not the focus of these pieces, and that I only incorporate personal anecdotes when they serve to illustrate some larger, more important point. I also don’t use real names, because I am not an insane person. Nevertheless, if you know me, you know who I’m writing about, and you know why.

Of course, I’ve gotten myself into trouble. Back in the days of LiveJournal, I wrote that my best friend’s boyfriend “lied a lot.” I was not invited to their house for several months. (To be fair, he said that he had been an astronaut; this claim has never beensubstantiated by NASA.) More recently, an ex learned about my pregnancy scare via CC; he e-mailed me to say that he would “never read my blog again” and informed me that I had “wrecked his image of me.” His image of me, apparently, included a womb barren and untouched by man; what this says about him, or me, is open for debate.

We don’t even need to talk about the time that I inadvertently placed my diary on the “shared files” portion of my hard drive, thereby making it accessible to everyone on my college campus. Do we?

Okay, we do: I transferred three months later. Some wounds just don’t heal.

As I’ve come to know more writers, I’ve realized that I, too, am blog material. For those who have never found an unflattering description of their dating choices online (or read the pursuant “right on!!!” comments), let me assure you: it is a harsh realm. Yet it’s only fair — and, to be honest, no more than I (or Emily Gould) ought to expect.

“My only advantage as a reporter,” Joan Didion wrote, in 1968, “is that… people tend to forget that my presence runs counter to their best interests. And it always does. That is one last thing to remember: writers are always selling someone out.”

That, really, is the point — the point of Josh and Emily, of me and my (nameless) boyfriend, of everyone who writes and lives and writes about living, on the Internet or in print. Relationships are a delicate balance of listening and speaking, revealing yourself and helping the other person feel safe enough to be revealed. Writing is about laying your mind bare, relentlessly, without regard for the people who might dump you or yell at you or hold you in contempt. Being a writer, or dating one, is a paradox. You have to establish trust and intimacy while simultaneously acknowledging that, if an incident makes for good material, it may very well become public knowledge in the near future.

So, yeah: my boyfriend doesn’t read CollegeCandy. There is no way in hell that he’s going to hear about my drinking binges or bad hookups or the fact that I repeatedly and insistently compared an ex to Kevin Federline (with image links!) before I am ready to tell him. I may, however, e-mail him this piece before I post it.

He writes. He might understand.