Getting dumped sucks. The only thing worse is getting dumped with some vague, cliché breakup line. You know the kind – they’re sugar coated, indirect, and straight from a Friends rerun. We can thank TV and movies for offering a plethora of lame excuses to the male population to recycle over and over again instead of offering us the real reason why they are ending our perfect romance.

Sound familiar? Luckily, these lines can be decoded, so grab that pint of Phish Food and read on for some clarity.

You’re Too Good For Me

Translation: I’m Too Good For You
He thinks he deserves someone better and is attempting to slip out of the relationship without having to do too much damage control. Whether or not he really means it, you probably are too good for him.

It’s Bad Timing Right Now

Translation: You’re Not Worth the Effort
What’s better than having a girlfriend at your side during a stressful off-season, a nasty econ class or whatever else college throws your way? Nothing, if you actually value the relationship. When life gets hectic, you make time for the important stuff and tend to get rid of the things that don’t matter much, like a girlfriend you’re not super excited about.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Translation: It’s Not Me, It’s All You
Ah yes, the classic. We’ve all heard of someone using this, or worse, muttered those words ourselves (guilty). Sure it’s a gracious attempt to ease the pain but really just kind of lame. When someone says this they really mean to say, “When you get super jealous all the time it pushes me away,” or “I am just not that into you,” but self-blame seems to be an easier way out. It’s over so move on.

I Don’t Want To Lose My Best Friend

Translation: The Sex Really Wasn’t As Hot As I Thought It Would Be

It’s plea to go back to the friend zone, which may or not may be possible. He may love venting to you and discussing his problems, but the sex was just terrible. The friend to girlfriend development just didn’t pan out as he’d hoped.

I like You So Much, But I’m Scared of Commitment

Translation: You’re Cool But I’d Rather Hook Up Whomever I’d Like Until Someone Great Comes Along.
He doesn’t feel like committing to you while he can still attract all of the other babes on campus. Why attempt this? Because without the title he gets you (while you wait for him to change) and he can act as he pleases at all of the college parties. Then when someone does tickle his fancy or he gets tired of the lonely frat-star life, his fear of commitment will suddenly change. After you of course.

This Is Moving Too Fast

Translation: I’ve Got A Stage Five Clinger!
Excessively sending FB relationship requests and dropping the word boyfriend before officially having “the talk” pushed him far away. He wanted to keep things casual but that’s not what you were hoping for. Result? Break up.

I’m Not Looking For a Relationship Right Now

Translation: I Am Looking For a Relationship Right Now, Just Not With You
You don’t want to waste your time in a relationship that won’t go anywhere anyway. It’s not right, so call up the next hottie in your contacts list.

Look, these may sound harsh, but the truth hurts. And you know what? So does getting dumped, no matter how it’s packaged. So accept the harsh reality and move on. The quicker you get over it (and get your head out of that brownie sundae) the sooner you’ll find the guy that will love everything about you enough to never utter these bullsh*t excuses.

Last week, my male friend over at COED Magazine shared his thoughts on how we ladies handle life after a break up. And let me just say, I haven’t LOLed that hard since the first time I watched this. (OMG. Just watched it again. HILARIOUS.)

It’s just so amusing to think about how little guys know about us (Note: I’m sure it was just as ROTFL-worthy for Paul when he read my thoughts on guys after a break-up); how they think we just bounce right back, better than ever, immediately following “the talk.” I mean, that’s not a bad thing. Their assumptions are way less disturbing (and pathetic) than the reality for most of us.

A reality which I’m about to lay out, in all it’s honest glory.

So let’s break down some walls and let it all hang out:

He Says: They’ll do better without us.
Reality: Yes, we probably will. Once we don’t have to waste our time getting in text fights or taking care of your drunk ass, our lives will finally have some meaning again. We’ll return to the gym. We’ll look hotter than ever. We’ll get our swagger back and hit the town….hard.

….Eventually.

First, of course, we’ll focus on all the happy happy fun times we won’t have anymore. The amazing kisses. The snuggle sessions. The cute way you furrowed your eyebrows when you were working on an Econ problem. How cute you looked in those Nike classics. How romantic you were….that one time when we first started dating, even though you haven’t done jack-sh*t since then. We’ll rely on our friends to remind us hourly (and every 4 minutes when we’re drunk) how awful and selfish and annoying you were.

He Says: We’ll Sleep with THAT guy.
Reality:  Yeah, there’s a chance that in a fit of deep depression we’ll finally give in to the sexual tension and get with someone who’s been around for awhile. More likely though, after our friends throw us in the shower, stab us in the eye applying some eyeliner, squeeze us into a pair of skinny jeans (that got a lot tighter thanks to the post-break up chocolate binges) and force us to go out to the bar (“SINGLE GIRLS, WHAT?!”), we’ll get really drunk and make out with a boy in the corner just to prove that we’ve still got it.

And while it  might be fun and exciting in the moment, we’ll cry about it – a lot – the next day.

He Says: They’ll go “Girls Gone Wild”.
Reality: Yeah, if Girls Gone Wild now means Girls Gone on a Downward Spiral in Sweatpants and No Makeup With a Package of Cookie Dough in Their Bed While Crying Through a Re-Run of Gossip Girl.

He Says: They’ll tell other girls about us.
Reality: You better freaking believe we will. No girl likes to admit to the shame of being a dumpee or the judgment of being the a-hole dumper. So we’re obviously going to have to explain to anyone who asks (or anyone who happens to cross our paths in the weeks following the break-up, be it a friend of a friend or our Psych professor) how lazy you were, how often you couldn’t get it up, how quick you were when you could get it up, how your room smelled like rotting bacon, how often you couldn’t get it up, how you got all Ronnie aggressive when you were drinking and, of course, how often you couldn’t get it up.

He Says: They’ll miss having sex with us.
Reality: For some, maybe. For others, it’s more about the companionship than the sex. The snuggles. The Sunday night TV marathons. The security in knowing we’ll always have someone to grab dinner with, see a movie with, stumble home from a party with. That’s what we’ll miss the most.

If we really want sex, we can just call up “that guy,” right?

The reality is, 99.9% of girls, even if they’re the ones doing the dumping, hit a low in the weeks or months immediately following a break up. They question themselves (“What’s wrong with me?!”), they question love (“Am I ever going to find someone else?”), they question you (“Why did I ever let him buy me that Jager Bomb and take my number?”). But then one day, they wake up out of that greasy/pity food coma and they don’t feel the need to check their phone to see if the ex texted. And the next day, they don’t even think about creepin’ the ex’s Facebook page. And a week after that, they don’t spend 15 extra minutes making themselves look extra hot to make the ex hate himself….just in case they happen to run into him.

Eventually, be it weeks or months down the road, they wake up one day feeling great and realize that they CAN do better than that douche lord…. and they will.

And when that happens, well, eat your heart out, boys. That girl is officially single and ready to get. her. freak on.

Find out what HE THINKS at COEDMagazine.com

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

The aftermath of my most recent break-up was all at once depressing and pathetic. Like, beyond the most depressing and pathetic Lifetime movie that you’ve ever seen. (And I can say that with certainty since I watched every single one on a particularly dark Saturday-somehow-turned-Monday-and-I-haven’t-left-my-bed-in-36-hours moment of darkness.) It was depressing because everything I did and saw and watched and thought about reminded me of him. Pathetic because I spent days on end crying over my computer as Dave Matthews blasted from the speakers, stalking his FB page and the FB pages of every single girl who showed up in his pics/commented on his Wall;  and constantly returned home from class or work or a run, certain he’d be waiting for me on my porch with a dozen hydrangeas in his arms and a sheepish “I’m so, so sorry” look on his face. (Did I mention I’d make excuses to leave the house just so I could come home and discover him there? Yeah, I blame it on all those Lifetime movies.)

Of course, that never happened. Actually, despite the fact that my campus had gotten teeny tiny by the 2^nd semester of my senior year, I actually never ran into the kid again. Like, not once. (I have a feeling our mutual friends worked together to make sure of this…) Which should be a great thing; you can’t move on when you’re constantly moving backwards, right?

Only it wasn’t. Because not seeing him meant that I had no idea what he was up to. How he was handling this whole mega-break up. If he was at home crying into a box of Fruity Pebbles (our cereal), throwing things in a fit of rage whenever anything reminded him of me (which should mean broken everything), or just sorta going about his daily business….only now, with the enthusiasm of Eeyore.

So, of course, I had to fill in all those blanks myself, based on what I’ve seen from other guys I know/things I’ve heard/Lifetime movies. And maybe I’m a bit off here, but guys handle break-ups quite differently from us ladies. And in a way that I’m not quite sure I’ll ever understand. Granted, I may be totally wrong in my assumptions, but from my perspective, and that of many ladies I know, guys handle break-ups in one of 5 ways:

They Hook Up. Of course, this has less to do with the fact that they are over us and more to do with the fact that there is no easier way to mend a shattered ego than with a little peen in the vajeen. And they just need a body, any body, next to them in their empty bed/futon. And they need to puff up their chests and prove to their bros that they’re not some pussy who cries over a girl when there are so many girls “just begging for it” out there.

Right?

They Hate Us. Maybe it’s from all the jeering from their boys (“That bitch was not worth your time, brah”), but eventually they start to hate us. And curse anything that reminds them of us. And boil over at the mere mention of our names. So they call us new names. Mean names. Names that would make their mothers shudder. And talk sh*t about us to everyone they know…even that random skank they slept with a week after we split.

They Do Guy Things. Video games. Sporting events. Poker. Basketball at the gym. Push ups at the gym. Lots and lots of working out. Anything not to have to be alone and feel feelings. Because feeling things is weak and they aren’t weak. They’re dudes. Dudes who are strong and independent and don’t let some stupid break-up get them down.

They drink. A lot. Because they can (and maybe because they’re trying to numb the pain?). They’re single now. That’s what single guys do. They drink beer and take Jager shots and do Irish Car Bombs. They pee in public. They smoke a lot of pot. They make really horrible decisions.

They Hook Up. Seriously, when was the last time a guy you knew didn’t bang some random chick (who is always 3 notches down on the “attractive” scale from his ex) 5 minutes after a break-up? It’s like the only cure for the break-up blues is a few humps and grunts…

Is this what really happens? Who knows. Well, guys know, and I’m sure our resident male will clue us in to the reality shortly. But first, let’s see what he thinks we ladies do in the days following a split, see how off base he is in his assumptions. Something tells me there will be some mention of naked pillow fights….

Find out what he thinks girls do after a break up right here!

I’m not even sure how I get into the situation in the first place. When I first met my boyfriend during class, I immediately wanted my best friend to meet him. You know how it is. You want your girl’s seal of approval! So we got dinner one day, all three of us, and even though he was kind of nervous, it went well. She liked him! I was ecstatic and so we continued seeing each other and I was happy. Blissfully happy.

However, as time passed, a rift started to grow between my best friend and my boyfriend. Sometimes, when we all hung out, it kind of became a competition for my time. Of course my best friend wanted to hang out, but so did my boyfriend. I did my best, of course. I’d make it so all of us hung out together, or I’d set apart time just for me and him to spend together.

I’d started to notice, though, that my best friend and boyfriend got into little arguments here and there. They were never about anything important, but they were always bickering about something. She would say something that offended him and then he would say something back that offended her. I always just let them duke it out because I didn’t think anything of it. But one day my best friend expressed that she really didn’t like my boyfriend. She said she didn’t understand why they always got into little debates and arguments about really stupid things. Then she said she didn’t want to hang out with him anymore.

So then it started to get a bit awkward. I separated the two of them so that I only hung out with one of them at a time. I spent most of my days with my best friend, and most of my nights with my boyfriend. For a couple of weeks, that seemed to work out.

One day, I asked my boyfriend to be honest with me. I asked him if he disliked my best friend. He said no, but I could tell he was lying. I inquired further and he finally admitted that he didn’t like her. Now, for me, that was a huge problem. How could two important people in my life dislike each other? How could my life coexist peacefully if two main components of it were at war with each other?

That night, I thought about it. It had become a question of choice: to keep my boyfriend who hated my best friend, or to keep my best friend who hated my boyfriend. I wanted to keep them both. I really did. To best honest, I wish somehow I could still keep them both. I didn’t want to have to choose. No one ever wants to choose between two people they care about. And I was really starting to fall for him.

But then I really thought about it.
Would I really choose a guy over my girl?

I love my best friend to death. We’ve been friends for years and inseparable since we met. I’ve always trusted her judgment and know that she has my best interest at heart. So even though she wasn’t forcing me to choose, I knew what she thought of him and I did choose. And I didn’t choose my boyfriend.

I dumped my boyfriend less than three days ago. It still hurts to think about it and it hurts even more when I see him around campus. (Sitting next to him during class today was brutal.) But I’m happy with my decision. I know that my best friend saw things that I didn’t see, inherently knew things that I wouldn’t let myself know. I know it was the right choice even though it doesn’t feel like the right choice right now.

Plus, when you break up with a boy, your best friend is always there. If you break up with your best friend, who do you have then?

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing.  Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:

Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out.  We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.

Which brings me to now.  We just broke up and it has been so hard.  It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more.  Something along those lines.  He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs.  Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me?  He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.

Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship.  He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time.  It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen.  It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do.  He said he wants to stay friends.  Should I bother?  Should I  not text him?  The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing.  Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.

The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time.  Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing?  Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him.  Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?

I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.

Sincerely,
I Thought Love Conquered All?

Dear I Thought Love Conquered All?,

You thought wrong.

Not everything works out, kiddo. Guess what, kids? MOST RELATIONSHIPS END.

Look, I’m sorry you’re devastated and all, but the bit about your birthday present kind of threw me. You wouldn’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to your birthday?! THAT would be the reason not to take the love of your life back?!

Well, so. I don’t think this is really worth pursuing. If the proximity to your birthday is really a big enough reason for concern, I’d say this was just not meant to be.

Frankly, Love, you seem a bit immature. This is not a criticism, okay? It’s just an observation. But, I mean, you’re not immature for your AGE. You’re perfectly fine for the end of college. You’re just a bit immature to have such a serious LDR.

It’s hard to break up, you know? It really is. You’re sad. You don’t know what’s next. Maybe you miss him. (Maybe you don’t.) Basically, you’re starting over without a major ally, and that’s scary and hard. Happily, this is easier with LDRs than with SDRs (short distance, suckas). Out of sight, out of mind. Okay, not quite. But at least not running-into-him-at-Starbucks, in mind. Yes?

Stop texting him. Stop torturing him–and yourself. There’s no point. It’s not working right now. If you want to make some grand gesture in the future, you could figure out a way to move closer to him. But PLEASE don’t do this until you’ve waited at LEAST 6 months. After six months, if you are still DESPERATELY missing him (not kind of missing him, not just kind of lonely, but REALLLLLY desperately missing him), then I’d say call him up and make the gesture. But until then, forget about it. The timing ain’t right. The breakup is done. Let things take their course.

My advice to you: Move on. Don’t be petty and try to make him miss you. Don’t drag this thing on any longer. Go out and meet some guys you can actually see on a day-to-day basis. Get to know them. Find a few to date. End up with one who’s actually good for you. Who will make the time to be with you. Who isn’t already planning on breaking up with you down the road.

And, please. If you can’t forgive someone because of the DATE on which they dumped you (or something equally unimportant), it’s probs not made to last. Like, at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life

So it’s been a month and half since you’re best friend got dumped (in the douchiest way possible) and she’s still going on and on about how she’s “totally over it even though his new girl looks like a little too much like Shaun White” and you’re not sure how much longer you can stand to hear her relationship woes. We’ve all been there, thinking to ourselves, “Well if you’re so over it, why are we still talking about it?”

The answer is simple. She’s not over it. But you sure as hell are. So what’s a girl to do when her wingwoman’s stuck in a rut?

Lesson 9: Stand By Your Single Sisters

Look, I know it’s cheesy but as single ladies, we’re only as good as the girls we surround ourselves with and when one of us is down, we’re all down.

Of course it gets frustrating sometimes, watching your formally single and fabulous bestie go from taking names (and numbers) and kicking ass to sullen and sunken into a sofa watching “The Notebook” and screaming at Rachel McAdams to “get a job and forget men already!” (True story.)

Sometimes the single life knocks us down and out but as single soldiers, it’s our job to stand by our friends and support them, even if that means having the hear Taylor Swift ballads pump through your apartment on repeat. The post-breakup version of your girlfriend needs you now more than ever because you love her even if her ex didn’t. Right now it’s her in tears but someday it will be you (if it hasn’t happened already).

Maybe the “sad and single” act is starting to get old and you’re itching to have those carefree nights out on town with your best friend – the one who made you laugh so hard you shot tequila out of your nose, not this possessed version who secretly makes you want to slit your wrists – but give it time. Eventually all of your post-breakup spa days and girls’ nights are going to pay off.

The only thing you can do is be there for your girls when they need you. And if you think her wailing “My Heart Will Go On” is a little over the top, then no offense, but get over yourself.

If you’re unsure of whether or not your girlfriend is truly appreciative of the time you put in to help her heal, then just wait til you’re in her shoes (because it’s bound to happen when you’re living the single life) and when she’s there agreeing with you that your ex “never appreciated you anyways,” you’ll know her moping wasn’t in vain.

The single life can be a rough and bumpy road and maybe right now it’s got one of your girlfriends on the bench but who knows – you could be next and it could be worse than what you’re currently going through with your friend. And when that day comes, I promise you, you’re going to want her by your side.

Take the time to tell a girlfriend how much you love or appreciate her today and don’t ever let your own exasperation get in the way of being there for a friend when she needs you the most.

My girlfriends are single, fabulous and most importantly, supportive. Yes, we cry and we break down and we curse the world and all the men in it. But we also dance nights away as they melt into mornings, laugh hysterically over all our dating fails and we lean on each other for everything – the good, the bad, and the heartbroken.

Being single is great but it’s far more fun to be single when you’ve got your sisters surrounding you. Whether they’re on top of the world or feeling a little burned by it, at least they’re by your side and that’s more than the guys you’ll cry over can say.

Get the first 8 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life.

So it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re single…again. Cue the tightest little black dress that practically defies the laws of physics. Cue double fisting $4 champagne. Cue the drunk dialing your ex just to tell him you “don’t miss him or his BMW at all!” Well…maybe not that last one. Not this year anyway. This new year leave your ex from Planet Douchebag behind and give closure another shot by making it your resolution.

Lesson 5: Sometimes you have to create your own closure.

Breakups are messy. You don’t always get a chance to tie up the loose ends from a burned relationship with your ex love. You don’t always get your questions answered. So when sitting down to rehash your feelings with your ex isn’t an option, it’s time to take it upon yourself to sort things out.

Now I don’t mean launch an all-out-Sydney-Bristow investigation on your ex and all the people you heard he cheated on you with (though I am a fan of any activity that allows you to rock a pleather cat suit). If you really want closure, you have to sort things out for yourself because after all, the only feelings you have control over are yours.

A lot of girls go into post-breakup meet-ups with their exes only to walk away even more confused. These girls search for answers to questions they should be asking themselves. You have to ask yourself if hearing the reasons why someone didn’t want to date you is really going to help you carry on with your newly single life.

Sometimes it’s more effective to channel your energy toward moving on instead of backtracking and putting yourself through the misery of a breakup after the actual breakup. You already suffered; there’s no need to put yourself through the pain again.

So how does a girl create her own closure?

Well, if a champagne diet isn’t your thing, no worries, closure is within reach and best of all, you can take baby steps!

If you’re not ready to defriend your ex on Facebook yet, then block him from your newsfeed instead. If you’re not ready to trash the evidence of your relationship yet, have your roommate or friend stash the pictures, letters and ticket stubs in a secret place until you’re ready to revisit the items without a bottle of Jack and bag of marshmallows. On the other hand – if you have no desire to keep any shred of evidence of your relationship – I highly recommend using your car to run over any items that remind you of your ex (like a scrapbook…).

Above all always remember that dwelling will only reverse any progress you’ve made in moving on from an ex. Newsflash: If you spend all your time wondering how your life could go on without your ex, it won’t go on. Dwelling traps you and ties you down to something (or someone) that doesn’t exist anymore.

So take a week to mourn your lost relationship, dwell alongside Breakfast at Tiffany’s and The Holiday and drain your sadness into your duvet comforter. But after that week ends, make progress a priority to finally move on with your life and leave your relationship behind. Closure is in your hands, now grab it and run!

What are the first 4 rules of the Single Girl Society? Find out right here.

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently a single freshman girl in college.  Coming to college, there was a ton of stuff to be excited about.  But like most single freshman girls I had one things on my mind: COLLEGE BOYS.  I came here with the mentality that I was going to meet a bunch of boys, have some fun, and just play the field.  While that plan worked flawlessly for a while, I have now found myself in a rather sticky situation.

I was talking to a boy all summer long, and I really started to like him.  Over summer he was in a different state, so we could only communicate electronically. He goes to a private school in the same town as my university, so naturally in the fall we started hanging out all the time.  I was really starting to like this boy, and so I decided to ask him to accompany me to my sister’s wedding.  My family loved him and we had a great time, but after the wedding my feelings for him kind of started dwindling.  I texted him a little less and made our sleepovers a lot less frequent.

All the while, I had other boys on the side.  Cute boy in my building, boy from out of town, boy from the gym (I’m still single after all). So my point is that even when I really liked this boy, he wasn’t the only one in my life.

So jump to a few weeks later, when the fire alarm in the library goes off.  All of us studious college kids had to pack up our things and stand outside the lib until they let us back in.  While standing outside, this very cute boy starts talking to me.  We get caught up in conversation and eventually realize we have one of the same classes, which sparks an exchange of phone numbers.

After our first encounter and number exchange, we start hanging out quite a bit.  And the weirdest thing happens; I have NO desire to hangout with or hookup with any of those other sideline boys.

The problem is that I do not now how to handle the boys that I have left in the dust.  Summer boy is the hardest, because although I’ve told him I need space, I haven’t told him about the library boy (who has all of my attention and affections).  I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he’s still really into me, and I also don’t want to lose him as a friend. So I have basically been ignoring him, and that’s not right.  Another problem: what if library boy screws me over and I’ve burned bridges with all the old boys?  Tuffy, I just don’t know what  to do… HELP ME !

Always,
The Overwhelmed Freshman

Dear Freshman,

This email really rubs Tuffy the wrong way.

Flighty flighty flighty. Which, actually, at your age, is fine. You are more than free to date as many guys as you want.

But worrying about dating this guy you actually*[see next paragraph] like just because you worry that you’ll have “burned bridges with all the old boys” is really The Skank. These are PEOPLE, sweetheart. They are not toys you can put on the shelf till you’re ready to play with them again. These are real live individuals who may want to get on with their own lives if they’re given the decency of being told you’ve lost interest.

*[How the hell do you know you actually like this guy?! GEEZ. You thought you actually liked that summer guy too! I mean--BLARG!!!]

Okay, maybe Aunt Tuffy is being a little harsh. I get it. You want to play around, but now you’re ready to be in a relationship for a while. Totally cool. By all means, hang out with Library Boy to your little heart’s content.

However, you then DEFINITELY have to tell Summer Boy. Summer Boy is so into you or whatever you said, okay?! And there’s nothing wrong with him; your feelings have just cooled. So why the floop are you stringing him along?! Tell him you just want to be friends, or tell him you’ve moved on. One or the other. You can’t keep letting this poor guy, who has been nothing but sweet to you, think he’s got a chance when you’re off chewing cud in greener pastures.

And as for the other guys–who gives a shoop?! YOU certainly don’t!!! Send them a text or something saying “I’m seeing someone.” SO not a big deal, but you ought to let them know. You know, out of common courtesy.

Speaking of which, I just hope to shoop that Summer Boy knew about Various Side Boys. Because it is REALLLLLY flooped up of you if he didn’t. And, frankly, you kind of make it sound like he didn’t, especially since you can’t even think of how to tell him about Library Boy now.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again, apparently): IT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE TO DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE, BUT ONLY IF THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS use condoms!!!!!!! The more partners you have, the more at risk you are and the more risk you put on any other partners present and future. USE CONDOMS. Look, Freshman. Do everyone a favor. Break it off clean with all your past flings, including Summer Boy, and move forward and have a nice and honest relationship with Library Boy. Don’t be a jerk. Boys are people too.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

I think we can all agree: getting dumped sucks.  Especially when you don’t see it coming.  One minute you’ve got a partner in crime, someone to hold your legs as you go for that keg stand record, and the next your cruising the dining hall’s breakfast buffet solo.  And what’s more depressing than making an omelet all by yourself?  Making two, like you’re used to, but wolfing both down without the help of your best dude.

Well, ladies, I can’t convince this guy to stick with you.  But I can help you recognize some of the signs that your time as one half of your favorite duo is about to expire.  What’s that they say about the best defense being a good offense?  Well, I say the best defense is knowing you’re getting dumped so you can be drunk when it happens.

Here we go.  You might want to start drinking if…

He stops returning calls/emails/texts/sexts.
So you send him a late night “I want you in my bed.  Naked.  Now.” and it goes unanswered.  No response.  Then you follow it up with something a little more descriptive.  Nada.  And finally you resort to pix message.  Still no answer.  Either your dude is dead (unlikely) or he just doesn’t really care how good your boobs look in the warm glow of your cell phone.

He avoids important conversations.
You’ve been feeling a little neglected lately and you suggest a State of the Union talk over drinks at your place.  Nothing major, no pressure.  Just making sure you’re still on the same page.  You think it’s important, he insists going on a Wednesday night bender with his buddies is more important.  You’d like a little clarification on things now, he’s suggesting it’s not needed and that he’ll gchat you some time next week.  You still care about him, he regrets dating you more than his weak fantasy draft picks.

He devotes more time to his schoolwork than to your relationship.
This is a tricky one.  I bet you’re thinking it’s a good thing if your guy is devoted to his scholarly endeavors.  It is.  But no one can simultaneously work towards a degree in advanced neuroscience and also win Boyfriend of the Year.  It’s an either or scenario, and you’ll likely be the odd man out.

He’s cheating on you with another dude.
He’s probably gay.  And you’re probably getting dumped.

He picks fights over insignificant issues.
Why’d you leave his basketball outside?  Why do you have to go to the gym at the same effing time that he does?  Why do you have to breathe so loudly?  Why the f*ck do you always text your whore of a roommate!?  If he’s going from Romeo to Chris Brown in thirty seconds, I’m not sure if he’ll dump you…but you might want to dump him.

Question for La Tuff? Send it to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have found myself in a tough situation. My best friend of three years recently sent me a Facebook message out of the blue telling me that she no longer wishes to be friends or in contact with me. Her reasoning was that being friends with me causes her “too much stress” and she has been thinking about it “for the last two months.” The two examples she gave of me causing her stress were when I got annoyed at her at a party (when she was being rude to the host) and when I got angry at her for, at the last second, choosing to go to a job over helping me move (she had only told me that if I wanted her help, I would have to pay her $200, a statement which I found childish).

Tuffy, these were two small fights that we had already discussed and (I thought) had resolved. I had thought everything was fine up until a week ago, when she stopped contacting me. My mother had even treated us to see a musical in the city the Sunday before! Until now, she had always discussed when she was getting irritated at me; she’s a very frank and open person who has never hesitated to tell me when I’ve said or done something stupid, so I have been completely blown out of the water at this sudden change.

I’ve been very confused and hurt, and it’s been sending me into a depression. I had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies when I was younger, and basically had no real friendships until around the time I met her, all of which she has known for years. She told me that I should no longer contact her, and even told our other friends not to tell me about a party she was having (one she had already invited me to, before she stopped contacting me). We had plans to travel abroad over winter vacation and she was going to come to my family’s Thanksgiving (for the 3rd year in a row). Why continue making plans with me if she had been thinking of dropping me as a friend? Why pretend everything was perfectly fine, then drop a bomb on me like this? I’ve never been in such a confusing and hurtful situation like this before, and have no idea where to begin to handle it if she refuses to even speak to me.

-Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed

Dear Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed,

What kind of “BEST FRIEND” sends a FACEBOOK message to end the friendship?! Who she think she is?!

Floop her. Floop her right in the ear. This is a totally ridiculous situation. I mean, I get a lot of emails similar to this one about friendships not working out. But ending things with a best friend via Facebook is a new one for Tuffs.

Okay, let’s back it up.

This girl is a person, right, so she’s allowed to end friendships with whoever she wants. I mean, it’s up to her who she wants to be around. But if you’ve been best friends for years, she owes you more of an explanation. Out of the blue, after making future plans with you, she says, oops, never mind, don’t wanna be near you any more, don’t look at me, don’t contact me, hell, don’t even think about me. That is NOT adult behavior. She should have at least talked it out with you over a coffee or something.

Buuuuut she didn’t. So. There that is.

You know, it’s especially messed up since she knew about your trouble making friends. She knows this will really hurt you, and I bet that’s why she’s doing it this way. For whatever reason, she WANTS to hurt you.

Which, of course, brings us to the part of the answer you DON’T want to hear. I gotta be honest with you, chances are you did something to really piss her off, and it was probably your fault. It’s a pretty major thing to tell your former best friend you don’t even want to have CONTACT. Try to think–is there anything you might have done that offended or upset her?

And, again, you do have trouble making friends. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? What keeps you from making friends? Chances are, it’s related to what made this girl throw a Facebook restraining order at you.

Which is not to say this is your fault. Because it’s not. Girl’s a meanybeany. But I think you should let this friendship drop and try to use it as a learning experience to help you meet better friends. Which, by the way, you can only do by being a good friend yourself.

Bottom line: Leave her behind, do a little thinking about what you might have done and what you can do better next time, and move on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv