Yeah, so there is no doubt I’ll be on my couch with a bag of Doritos on the night of the premiere. Hey I’m going to be eating for fifteen starving freshman now! But despite my excitement, I do have one problem with this new show.

Where the hell was it three years ago? I totally could have used a show like this when I was a freshman, eating my way towards a pair of maternity pants and a premature heart attack. While I spent the summer after my freshman year eating carrot sticks and sweating my ass off on an elliptical, these kids will get free personal training and a good six months of fame out of their newly acquired bulge. Not to mention that the show is a competition, so it will most likely end with some lucky chubster being awarded a prize of some sort.

Being awarded a prize for losing your freshman 15?! All I was left with was a couple stretch marks and the need to suppress a newfound crazing for pizza at all hours of the night. I’ll tell you one thing – these are a lucky bunch of kids.

If you’re a fat college freshman, please allow me to live vicariously through you and apply asap!

Happy Hanukkah, people!

In honor of the eight days of Hanukkah, we decided to do a tribute to our 8 favorite Hanukkah celebrators (also known as Jews). But then we decided that 8 just wasn’t enough; there are too many good ones! So, we upped it to eight Jews for each of the eight days.

Yes, it’s a lot of Jewish, but let’s be real – Hanukkah gets totally ignored this time of year, so we thought it would be nice to give a little shout-out to the people not dreaming of a white Christmas. You know, the ones dreaming of a little Mu Shu on Christmas eve. Click on any of our favorite Jews to see why we love em so much (and why anyone – Jew or non Jew – will love them too!).

Dudes prefer a size 10

Really? He’s still alive? I could have sworn he was long gone. …Or maybe I was just wishing.

Cheap drugs in Mexico? Not anymore

Screetch to write a Tell All. Seriously.

Straight up weird: identical everything.

The Billionaires want you to STOP SMOKING

Jason’s baaacck!

…And so is Freddy (Which means both my toolshed and my dreams are no longer safe)

Dana Scully kicks ass

50 Cent don’t play, Taco Bell!

Oh man, Zac Efron…how is this helping the gay rumors?

Girls can be classified as bitches. Gay men can too. But can straight guys fall into the ‘bitchy’ category?

Yup.

The Bitchy Straight Guy is one of the most annoying categories of the male species. He comes in many different shapes and sizes; sometimes he’s a thin hipster with stupid hair (like Marcel Vigneron, a contestant on last season’s Top Chef), sometimes he’s a balding, pseudo creative type (like Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, from this season’s Celebrity Fit Club), and other times he’s a popped-collar, J-Crew sandal wearing frat dude (Chad Michael Murray comes to mind…at least in looks and based on that little marriage snafu with his costar).

The one link between these motley individuals? They’re bitches. Guys with all of the bark but none of the bite. Asswipes who get under everyone’s skin and then run if anyone tries to retaliate.

They’re relentless teasers. Boys who grew up passing rumors about you in junior high and doing their best to embarrass you in front of giant crowds of people in high school. They love an audience, and will stoop to any level to get one.

They also have a negative sense of chivalry. When it comes to rumors and reputations, most guys will go after guys, leaving girls to embarrass each other on our own time. But the Bitchy Straight Guy has no boundary, and often targets his cruel jokes and condescension at women, most of whom pose no real physical threat. It doesn’t seem to faze him if you cry, and when you retaliate, he uses his man-bitch powers to make you look like a hysterical crazy person.

Whenever I come into contact with a Bitchy Straight Guy, all I can think about is how good his face would look with a fist in it. These types tend to be how they are because of their innate ability to scramble out of the way before trouble starts, but most would surely benefit from a beat down or two. Either that, or a very public verbal thrashing by someone who isn’t afraid of a BSG’s small arsenal of comebacks.

Not to go all Psychology 101, but I’m pretty sure BSGs are, at their core, suffering from low self-esteem and internal aversion. Why else would they feel the need to constantly taunt and bullshit? Your mom was right when she told you that elementary school bully was just a scared little baby himself. BSG’s are some the biggest babies out there. Big, annoying, falsely arrogant babies.

So next time you stumble across a Bitchy Straight Guy, make sure to remember that he’s nothing but a pussy underneath all his talk. And if his insults come your way, stand up straight and look him in the eye. Nothing freaks a BSG like a chick who won’t back down.

Our friends at BestWeekEver show us that Gunnery Sergeant Harvey Walden IV is one pissed-off mofo. While it turned out to be one of the funniest on-air rants I have seen EVER, it was kinda funny that Dustin Diamond just sat back. Ironically, he didn’t even seems phased. “He’s not gunna fight me on national television,” pretty much summed up the incident. I mean, I know Screech owes a LOT of money to several banks as well as the IRS, but trying to get your ass kicked on TV so that you have a viable law suit seems a little excessive.

EVEN more entertaining, he challenges Walden (a career marine and former drill sergeant) to a UFC match. You know, those guys who put on paper thin gloves and beat the testosterone out of each other – yep!

I think it is a cry for help…Dustin we are here for you – but if you f**ng EVER challenge us like that we will kick you mutha f**ng a**, you hear us! We will put down this mocha late and wreck your sh** until your f**ng mother can recognize you…WORD!

Enjoy!

But you know who I kinda wish would? Dustin Diamond. Yup. Mr. Screech himself. Mr. I – Blew – All – My – Money – And – Can’t – Pay – For – My – House. Mr. I – Made – A – Sex – Tape – Nobody – Watched. And now, Mr. Celebrity-Fit-Club-Moron.

I don’t usually watch Celebrity Fit Club, something about C List actors sweating and jiggling in front of a camera makes me sad, but today at the gym (how ironic!) I wasn’t in control of the television, and therefore found myself watching the show for 45 excruciating minutes.

This season’s Fit Club is nothing different than the previous two; personalities you forgot about trying to lose their love handles and badonkadonks in front of a national audience. It’s kind of like Survivor for fat, annoying people. But the most of annoying of the bunch is most definitely Dustin “Dick” Diamond.

What do you think about Screech?

Mr. Diamond is a perfect example of why C and D-list actors are where they are; they’re not good at what they do. It’s obvious that Diamond is trying to be “the bad guy” on CFC, going after all the other cast members and telling everyone that he’s not going to lose weight because he doesn’t want to.

The problem is, he’s just not good at it. He’s not good at being “bad”, he’s not good at being funny, really, he’s not good at anything except being Screech (which is not the most awesome thing to be good at). This guy needs to go find another hobby and stop sucking up the airwaves.

Over the course of the gym-forced episode, I went from not really caring who Dustin Diamond was to being personally offended that he was alive. I may be a semi-judgmental person, but I’ve never been so angry at someone I’ve never met before in my life. Not even this guy can compare to Diamond’s annoyance factor.

I’d tell you to check out Celebrity Fit Club and join the revolution to get Dustin Diamond off TV forever, but then you’d actually have to experience his awfulness first hand…and I don’t want to be responsible for the headaches or vomiting that may be induced by watching.