The night started out pretty normally. I enjoyed a cocktail (read: lots of vodka with a splash of soda) while getting ready (read: in the shower), put on some makeup and a cute outfit and headed out for the evening. I was meeting up with a friend, her newly serious boyfriend and his friends for a night on the town. Cute friends. Very cute friends.

I’m not going to say I was expecting to find someone to make out with, but I did wear matching bra and undies just in case. I even shaved my legs.

When I got to the bar, everyone was already seated, so I squeezed in next to one of the boys and settled in for a night of pitchers. Lots of pitchers. Two hours and about 100 games of Quarters later, I felt a hand on my thigh. I looked up and saw Boy smiling at me. I mentally high fived myself for going with the uber low-cut shirt then rested my hand on top of his. Read More »

While shopping at the mall with friends last weekend, my breakfast of Kashi Go Lean Crunch! came back to haunt me. And by “me,” I mean “everyone within a 10 foot radius.” Yeah, it’s true – I had a horrible case of the farts. So bad that I couldn’t even stand myself. I tried to hold it in – really, really hard – but they just kept coming and it was impossible for me to walk around a giant mall with my ass cheeks clenched together.

So I did what any normal woman would do: I walked away from my friends and left some smelly bombs in store corners and mall walkways. Poor shoppers didn’t know what was coming.

The entire ordeal was mortifying (especially when the guy bringing my shoes walked through an exceptionally offensive gas cloud and got a very sour look on his face) and could have been completely avoided had someone informed me about these special panties. Now, I am not one for granny panties (especially of the Hefty variety), but a pair of panties that could mask my gas?

Where do I sign up?

I’m not sure how they work, but as long as they don’t create a virtual dutch oven in my pants thus releasing the foul odor of a day’s worth of farts and knocking me out the moment I take them off, I don’t really care.  The mere thought of enjoying a fiberous breakfast and then flatulating all day without anyone knowing (I’m a master of the SBD) is enough to lure me in.

I went out with a guy once. On our first date we went to dinner, and things were going so well that when he took me home I invited him in.

At which point he asked me if he could borrow a book while he “dealt with all the dairy” he had just eaten.

True story. And it ended right there; I never called him again.

I have no problem with talking about farts and poop, but I do have a problem doing so on date #1. I just don’t understand why guys feel the need to bring up the bowels when we haven’t even locked lips yet. And then there is the whole double standard; why can he fart in the car and lock the windows but I can’t even mention the fact that I poop without him cringing and curling up in the fetal position?

I asked my guy friends to break it all down for me – apparently farting is a sign of endearment. Read on… Read More »

Farting.

Pooping.

Peeing.

It’s all gross, which is why we do it in the privacy of our own homes. But, when is it OK to stink up your boyfriend’s bathroom or let him in when you’re peeing? Is it ever okay to poop or fart in front of your man? Let’s discuss.

I have been in a relationship for roughly eight months now and, while my boyfriend sees no problem with shoving me in a dutch oven, I personally haven’t been able to pass wind in front of him…yet. He was always very open with his bodily fluids in front of me – and I love him for it (“it” being that he feels comfortable with me, not the smell of his farts suffocating me under the covers). However, men definitely hold a double standard with females regarding the pooping/farting business.

While we haven’t crossed into the “me farting in front of my man” part of our relationship yet, we have gotten into the, “he pops into the bathroom when he knows I’m pooping,” situation. I normally yell and shriek for him to get out and he laughs and gives me my privacy. I don’t care if he comes in while I’m peeing – I have always been comfortable doing around him – but #2 is a whole different story. Read More »