I’ll admit it: I’m an addict. It’s a horrible habit that, after so many years, I just can’t kick. It’s available, it’s affordable and, hey, it makes me feel good about myself. And even though it’s probably damaging for me in the long run, I just can’t stop.

Yeah, I’m a consumer of the Kardashian culture. I watch the shows (the originals, the spin-offs and Dancing With The Stars when one is competing), I read the interviews, I follow the obnoxious tweets. And recently, people like Daniel Craig, Jonah Hill and Barbara Walters are calling me out on my fascination with the most overexposed and yet untalented people on television, the Kardashians. I jumped on the family bandwagon relatively late, actually. I initially denied the attraction to what Barbara Walters referred to as “a strange mix of trashy sex, upscale excess, tabloid melodrama and suburban family life” — though the balance of these ingredients varies with each episode, depending on which siblings are in them. But when Lamar Odom proposed, Reggie Bush called it quits, and Mason was born, my interest was officially peaked for some reason. I was suddenly intrigued by these people who are so famous, and for the life of me, I seriously could not remember why.

Is it really because the late Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson’s lawyer and friend? Because Bruce Jenner is an esteemed Olympian? Because Kim Kardashian was partying with Paris Hilton during her heyday and recording her sex-capades with Ray J — Brandy’s brother? I guess that by putting all of those famous-by-association factors together, and adding Kris Jenner as a manager and Ryan Seacrest as a producer, these people are worth watching. Over and over again. Why?!?

Daniel Craig of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and Casino Royale doesn’t understand it either. ”Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions. Millions!” he told British GQ in their January 2012 issue. “I don’t think they were that badly off to begin with, but now look at them. You see that and you think, ‘What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f*cking idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?‘”

Jonah Hill — who, in Superbad and Get Him To The Greek, often acts like an idiot (with the exception of Moneyball) — feels the same way, but for different reasons: he actually watches the shows. He openly admitted that he felt duped when Kim Kardashian announced her plans to divorce Kris Humphries because, like so many of us, he bought into that gaudy and god awful wedding display. He ranted to The Huffington Post about the infamous family earlier this week:

“I have friends who work in TV and the Kardashians get higher ratings than their TV shows. Shows that people actually work hard on — writing and creating and trying to tell stories. The fact that the Kardashians could be more popular than a show like ‘Mad Men’ is disgusting. (Laughs) It’s a super disgusting part of our culture, but I still find it funny to make a joke about it. Whenever I say I like reality TV, people write about it like they’re in shock. I can’t even understand it, so I watch it. I think it’s funny and I definitely enjoy it in a making-fun-of-it sort of way, but where does the line sort of end? When do I stop making fun of it and become an actual fan?“

I personally don’t know. I’m confused about it all. And I’ve often wondered if they actually see it all as “working” when they punch mirrors, wax each other’s vaginas, lose $75,000 earrings while swimming in Bora Bora and then conveniently find them again once the cameras are pointing another way. Seriously, such scheming takes skills!

So finally, after ranking the Kardashian family as a whole one of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011, Barbara Walters sat down with Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and mother Kris, and asked them flat out: “You don’t really act; you don’t sing; you don’t dance…you don’t have any — forgive me — any talent!”

And then Khloe, the voice of reason within that crazy clan, revealed the truth that no one wanted to actually acknowledge: “We’re still entertaining people…None of us think we have talent. None of us think we can sing or act or dance.”

But they do call themselves businesswomen. They’re spokespeople, fashion buyers, “perfumistas” even…and now they have a store at The Mirage Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas called Kardashian Khaos that sells anything and everything with their names and faces on them. Shockingly, it’s not full of cricket sounds; paying customers are lining up to actually buy their licensed merchandise. Maybe they’re Midwestern Americans looking for a souvenir of Los Angeles celebrity lifestyle; maybe they’re foreigners stocking up on pieces of American culture. Because no matter how you look at it, or whether you’ve been looking away all this time, this random family is famous for being famous, and they’re now forever part of American pop culture.

“I think it’s more of a challenge for you to go on a reality show, and get people to fall in love with you for being you,” Kim said to Barbara Walters. But Kris Humphries filed for an annulment on account of fraud, and he’s got some pretty good grounds…who says you’re even really being “you” at all??!?

After hearing criticisms from Daniel Craig, Jonah Hill and Barbara Walters, I’m kicking my addiction; but I’m only continuing to watch to find out if they’re all for real. From watching the preview, I think that the next episode will be pretty revealing of their true character, right? Plus, it looks kinda funny.

Do you Keep Up With The Kardashians? Okay, seriously…WHY?!?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

…not that that’s a bad thing. As much as we try to deny it, we all have a bit of an obsession with the family who’s not really famous for anything (besides freeing OJ Simpson), and I think they’re going to continue to cash in on that obsession. The Kardashian family has now extended to include Kendall, Kylie, Scott, Mason and all the guys any of the girls publicly dated, so I contacted E! to see what kinds of spin-off shows they had lined up.

1. Bush of Love: With Reggie Bush

Poor Reggie… we all fell in love with him back in the day when he was dating Kim, but no matter how many times we yelled “PUT A RING ON IT!” at the TV, the couple never got serious and eventually had an ugly, emotional break-up. Even though he lost out on Kim, he’s clearly won his way into the realm of “famous” athletes who are really only famous for dating celebrities and appearing on reality shows- you know, right up there with Chad Ochocinco. So what’s the next step for the Saints player turned tabloid king? His own dating show, obviously! 25 “aspiring actresses”/”models”/porn stars will move into a mansion and compete for screen time Reggie’s love until he finds The One.

2. Kris and Bruce: Divorce Court

Am I the only one who watches these shows and honestly feels bad for Bruce? He seems to be a sweet guy who cares about all the girls and only wants what’s best for them, but in exchange, Kris takes away his credit cards, makes him do all the housework, throws all his stuff into the garage and basically forces him to stay home all day playing with remote-control helicopters. Honestly, Kris still hasn’t had her big media moment and I think she’s ready to pull out the divorce papers… but only if the trials are broadcasted live and judged by Judge Joe Brown. I don’t know about you, but I’m #TeamJenner.

3. Kendall and Kylie take NY… but Only After They’ve Finished their Homework.

These girls are only 15 years old and E!’s already trying to promote them as professional young women ready to launch their own fragrance lines. It’s only a matter of time before Kris drops them off at the airport, hands them a few Benjamins and expects them to find love and success (more like sex tape partners and yet ANOTHER Dash boutique) in the Big Apple. Although, they’re probably going to have to finish high school and puberty first- oh wait, silly me… being a Kardashian means you get to skip the hard parts and go right for the riches.

4. Khloe and Lamar: Are We Pregnant Yet?

Ever since these two got hitched (which hasn’t even been that long since they got married after like 3 dates), the media’s been hyping up potential “baby bumps,” but then later learning that Khloe was carrying a few extra Twinkies- not a baby. When this show premieres, we’ll no longer have to rely on awkward-angled photos and over-sized clothing for a confirmation. The couple will take a weekly live pregnancy test every week, but only after all the viewers have called in or texted their votes to 1800-BABY-OR-TWINKIE (standard messaging rates may apply).

5. Rob Kardashian: It’s (Really Not That) Complicated

Unlike his crazy sisters who spend every minute in the spotlight, Rob tends to stay pretty under the radar… which is unfortunate because we tend to forget he exists, but in his new E! reality show, we’ll get to see what really goes on in the life of the last remaining male Kardashian (well, at least the last living semi-famous one). We’ll finally get to see him play hours of Xbox, going on vacation for no reason, playing golf with Scott, and still crying over his ex, Adrienne. No, but seriously- Hollywood life doesn’t get any more exciting than sitting around your mansion all day playing Black Ops and counting your inheritance cash.

Who’s your favorite Kardashian? Do you think we need more reality shows from them or should the E! writers come up with some new, original content?

In honor of Women’s History Month, CollegeCandy has decided to spotlight some of the world’s most influential women. Last week we focused on the women from our generation and this week, we pay attention to some of the most spectacular thirty-somethings. These are the women that show us life really does get interesting in your 30s, whether you’re a famous movie star or activist. Anything can happen, and just like these women have done in their 30s, we can make a difference in the world at any age.

What It Is:

Why This Should Be in Your Bag:
I’m a firm believer in the magic of mascara. For the longest time, I never wore it, until a girl at Sephora introduced me to a couple wonderful brands. When she applied it, I was amazed; instantly my eyes were brighter. It made me look really beautiful and now I won’t leave the house without swiping some on.

Make Up For Ever is a well-established brand (full of products that I LOVE), known for making professional quality makeup that the everyday consumer can also use. Their Smoky Lash Mascara has been a cult fave for some time now and I knew I needed to get my hands on it. Now, there is also a waterproof version, which is even better! It’s designed to rock your mascara world, promising “volume, length and intense pigment.”

How To Use It:
I can’t say it enough: ALWAYS, ALWAYS curl your lashes before applying mascara. Most mascaras can’t make your eyelashes curl and trust me, this extra step is totally worth it. After that, it’s pretty much a no-brainer: get some mascara on your wand (but don’t pump it!), and apply in a zig-zagging motion, focusing on the outer lashes. If you’re going for a really dramatic look, go ahead and apply the mascara to your lower lashes too!

CC Rating: A

MUFE Aqua Smoky Lash is definitely worth a look! As you can tell from the photos, not only did it significantly darken my lashes, but also lengthened and volumized. So basically, it delivered absolutely everything as promised. It wore all day, with ZERO smudging, so if you’re a gal who likes to apply makeup and then make a long trek to school/work or even log a few miles on the treadmill during lunch, this mascara would be a great choice for you! I’m not always looking for a waterproof mascara, mostly because they are a B to remove, so I would like to test out the regular version too.

The $22/.023 oz is on par with similar brands like Dior, MAC, etc. Overall, I’m liking Make Up For Ever Aqua Smoky Lash. I think I will definitely be picking up another tube of this on my next jaunt to Sephora (it’s a 6 hour drive away). I already have two other holy grail mascaras (one of which is Too Faced Lashgasm) and I think this may be joining to make the mascara holy trinity (is that sacrilegious?). Anyways, this gets my seal of approval, so enjoy!

[Need some new makeup but not sure what to buy? Check out Alex's other beauty reviews here.]

It’s finally here! The glitz, the glamor, the celebrities stuffed into Spanx so they look flawless in their couture gowns. Yes, the Golden Globes pre-show is about to start and, OMG, we could not be more excited! Sure, the actual awards show is gonna be fantastic (go Gabourey Sidibe!), but we’re all about the fashion around here.

Are you ready for some Golden Globes Red Carpet action? Get that TV tuned into E! for Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic’s coverage and watch with us. We’ll be sharing our reactions right here and we want to hear your fashion critiques/”OMG-She-Looks-STUNNING”s, so put them in the comments section below.

We’ll be looking out for a few of our favorite fashion icons and crossing our fingers for some real red carpet trainwrecks. So let’s get to the show!

6:01 PM: Is Giuliana wearing a gum wrapper?

6:02: Ah! Rain! My hair is frizzing up just watching.

6:04: Sofia Vergara from Modern Family looks like she wrapped sheets around her body on the way out of the house. Gorgeous woman, but not lovin’ the dress.

6:06: Whoa! Who is this Ryan Kwanten? And Alexander Skarsgard? Looks like I gotta start watching True Blood. Deeelish.

6:09: OMG MR. SHUSTER!!! He looks damn good in a tux.

6:11: Sandra Bullock donated a million dollars to Haiti relief? I didn’t think it was possible to love her more than I already did, but she really is Hollywood perfection.

6:17: How does Lisa Edelstein get her boobs looking so perky sans bra?! My boobs don’t even look like that with the aid of Victoria’s Secret’s best.

6:18: Chase Crawford. I just wet myself.

6:19: Hellooooo, Cory Monteith. I want to tear that Hugo Boss tux right off of you and do naughty things.

6:22: Who’s excited for Ricky Gervais? Maybe if he kills it tonight he’ll take Conan’s spot on the Tonight Show. Or, for the love of god, maybe HE will be the one that can finally de-thrown Jay Leno.

6:27: Does Mickey Rourke creep anyone else out? I am sure he’s a nice man, but I just don’t understand how that blonde bombshell can hold his hand let alone see him in the buff.

6:30: Elizabeth Moss = ew. The hair, the dress, the long necklace…. all bad, bad, badddd.

6:31: Ginnifer Goodwin’s boobs look a little to….cone-y. And what’s with the hair/chunky black heels? This girl needs some serious Rachel Zoe.

6:33: Yay Neil Patrick Harris! Could you love a gay man more? He’s funny, he’s humble and, damn, he looks great in a tux.

6:36: HOLY HELL Christina Hendricks’ BOOBS. Is that what Heidi Montag was aspiring for? And, damn, Emily Blunt looks gorge. But there is John? WHERE IS HE??

6:38: Oh wait. There he is. Looking adorable as always. I love you, John Krasinski! Don’t get married! (Although I guess if I was gonna lose him to someone, it should be to someone as gorgeous and fabulous as Emily Blunt.)

6:41: Ok, I know Adrian Grenier may have smelly balls (at least that’s the rumor) but homeboy looks goooood. There is something about those curls that makes me weak in the knees.

6:42: Inglorious Basterds should most definitely win Best Movie. Even if Tarantino is the biggest weirdo on this planet.

6:44: OK, I love you Lea Michele, but that dress is a bit too much. Why is it so….big?

6:46: Sorry, Lea, but Sandra Bullock is far more importante than you. Even if her dress isn’t her best choice. Color? Great. Hair? Fantastic? Weird sheer wings? Not so much.

6:49: Wait. Is Chase Crawford really saying that his life is hard because he’s so ridiculously good looking?

6:50: Vera Farmiga – I don’t know who you are, but I’m LOVING your dress. It’s black but it’s different, and that’s not easy to do (just ask Lea Michele). Also, I think Fergie is incredibly talented but she’s just not…pretty. Especially when she tries to dress all classy. It just doesn’t look right. Josh, on the other hand, is very, very, veryyyyy pretty.

6:52: George Clooney’s lady friend looks a little like a post-op tranny. In a REALLY pretty dress.

6:58: Marillon Cotillard might be the most beautiful woman on this planet. Even if her bra is hanging out of her dress. And I’m lovin’ Anna Paquin’s dress on the top (yayyy cleavage), but it’s just a bit too much after that.

7:03: Oh no, Tina Fey. Oh nooooo. Who let her out in that thing? Not only is the skirt too full, but could that length be any less flattering? I think she might end up with worst dressed.

7:10: Not sure how I’m feeling about Penelope Cruz’s dress. I was expecting so much more from her. I mean, she’s obviously gorgeous, but the dress really let me down. She almost looks….fat in it!

7:16: OMG MARIAH CAREY! Either she’s pregnant or she shrunk that dress in the wash. Or she’s training to be a linebacker. She looked better in Precious than she does right now.

7:32: I’ll take Taylor Lautner to the Olive Garden! And, way to go, Courtney Cox. Her hair, Jewels and dress are all bangin! It’s amazing how simple yet sexy she can be.

7:34: Good work on Kate Hudson’s part to choose a dress that will make her look like she’s got SOMETHING going on on that chest of hers.

7:36:  Heidi Klum looks gorgeous as always. She may be carrying some extra baby weight, but she still looks breathtaking in that Cavalli dress. Seal might be the luckiest man on the planet.

I know more about these women than I do about our forefathers.

Every Friday I head home from work, tear off my bra, put on my biggest pair of sweatpants, order in Pad Se Ew and settle in for a night of TV. Lame? Maybe. But get back to me after you’re working 60-hour weeks in the real world. Friday nights on the couch are sacred.

Last week, as I fired up the DVR to catch up on all the shows I’d missed from the week, I had a rather enlightening moment. Sorta like an Oprah “aha!” moment, only way more embarrassing. My entire DVR was taken up by reality shows. Top Chef, Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Ace of Cakes… Hell, I even had a little Real World/Road Rules Duel on there.

I looked around to make sure none of my neighbors could see my TV through the windows. I mean, I know I like me some crappy TV, but this was just mortifying. My entire life revolves around watching train wrecks on camera! But maybe it’s not that sad? I mean, everyone loves themselves a little trash now and then, right? Those shows are on for a reason. And some of them are actually really good! Maybe not anything on E!, but we can all learn a thing or two from The Biggest Loser, right?

Right?!?

To make myself feel better about my addiction (and my sad, lame life) I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their reality TV faves this week. You know you got one, too. Share it in the comments!

Norah – Drake University: I’m obsessed with cake shows. I can’t deal with the drama of other reality shows, but I like to watch people make pretty cakes that look impossible to eat.

Brithny – Duke: So You Think You Can Dance, because of the amazing… dancing. Obvi.

Kim – Stanford: Life would be a little less complete without SAY YES TO THE DRESS on TLC. Who doesn’t love weddddings?!

Lauren H – The New School: Top Chef! I’m a big food nerd, so I watch a lot of the food-based contest shows, but Top Chef is by far the best. The only downside is I’m always hungry after!

Caitlin – University of Alabama: I love E!’s reality shows like Girls Next Door, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.  UGH but those Lamas…that’s 30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back!

Charlsie – Hollins University: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is my favorite reality show because when Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney get into fights they refer to each other as “stupid bitch ass whores.” If it wasn’t for this show, my sister and I would have boring arguments. The Kardashians keep us fresh with insults and put-downs!

Laura – St. John’s: Rock of Love.  I never tire of the varying extremes of trampy-ness these girls will go through to prove their love to Bret Michaels. (Really? Bret Michaels is the best you can do?)

Ricki – University of Michigan: The Bachelor/Bachelorette – It’s impossible to not believe in true love when every date they have is jet skiing in Hawaii or being alone on a deserted island.

Thu – USC: The City, if it is even considered “reality.” You kind of live a fabulous life vicariously through the people.

Leah – Ryerson University: What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style because everyone should feel fabulous about the way they look.

Anna R. – Northeastern University: My favorite reality show is The City. I didn’t watch the first season, but now I’m obsessed with it. It’s SO much better than The Hills (which is really lame and pointless now), and the girls’ jobs are actually interesting to watch. Plus, I love seeing what they are all wearing!

Kiki – University of Missouri: I spent at least nine hours of my life this summer watching 16 and Pregnant marathons on MTV. It’s like True Life mixed with Maury mixed with the best damn abstinence education ever.

Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: VH1’s Tough Love! The women are such train wrecks that it’s hard not to watch! Best of all, no one gets kicked off, so your favorite tranny look-alike is there every week for your viewing pleasure. Watch as these women work through their “daddy issues” and try to find love. Priceless quotes to throw around with the roomies guaranteed.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I may or may not have seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress. I mean, come on, really expensive and really pretty dresses mixed with a few horrible women with bad taste? It’s Amazing!

Hillary – Columbia: I watch a ton of awful television, but my favorite reality show will always be Man Vs. Beast, a two-hour special aired by Fox in 2003. In it, people competed against animals in a variety of competitions—a sprinter raced a giraffe, a Sumo wrestler had a tug-of-war with an orangutan, and, maybe best of all, competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi had a hot dog eating contest with a bear. Seriously. Just watch a few clips. They’re amazing.

Erica – Kent State University: The Rachel Zoe Project.  LIT-ERALLY, I love watching Rachel (aka The-Walking-Panic-Attack) & Taylor (aka The-Five-Year-Old-Who-Somehow-Made-It-Into-The-Fashion-Biz) go BANANAS.  Seriously, Rachel has influenced my closet and my vocab.  LOVE her.

Kelly- Simmons College: I love the Real Housewives. My roommate and I watch the end-of-season marathons and get completely hooked for 12 hours about people we don’t like and don’t actually care about. What other show can do that?

Zahra- Northwestern University: Lately I’ve been obsessed with Tool Academy. It’s hilarious when the guys break things or get into fights to show off their manliness, but also brings me to tears when I see girls finding out about their guys’ infidelities.

Alex – Lakehead University: My favourite (yes, Canadian spelling!) reality show is Paranormal State on A&E. College students who moonlight as ghost hunters?! I’m in! Plus this show features some very unique stories, like the demon that follows them through several episodes. I’m hooked!

Jasmin – University of Missouri: HGTV’s House Hunters. Strange, I know, but it’s addictive. When I leave Mizzou for the real world, I’ll be ready to remodel my dream home.

While the stars strut their stuff down the red carpet in haute couture dresses, we’re resting comfortably in our bed wearing nothing but an old t-shirt and a pair of VS undies shoving Pad Thai in our face. Because nothing goes better with an award show than drowning our fashion-envy sorrows in a bowl of greasy noodles.

We’ve got two full hours of designer goodness (and – fingers crossed – total disaster) coming our way, so let’s get to the show!

Get your TV set to E! and enjoy a little Ryan Seacrest action with us.

Leave your thoughts in the comments so we can all discuss the highs and lows together.

If you have any immediate concerns you absolutely need me to address, feel free to IM me at “mel1236″ on AIM

5:44 PM: Settled on the couch with my bowl of cereal, pajamas and laptop. Just put on E! to the dismay of my male, lacrosse-playing roommate. Seacrest, I’m so ready for you.

6:01 PM: Yay! It’s starting! Glam Cam 360? Livefeed of Twitter? Ryan, you’ve outdone yourself, bedecked in Burberry fabulosity. Mr. Jay, what’s all up on your collar? Also, Kourtney? No. Want Khloe. Whoa she is preg.

6:05 PM: Heidi’s preggo too? Again? Am I watching the red carpet or a commercial for Maternity World?

6:10 PM: Aww, Neil Patrick Harris in the 360 cam. Heart you. I’m hoping for some Harold and Kumar antics on stage.

6:15 PM: College Humor was dead-on with that Entourage sketch. I need some of the Piv on the red carpet asap.

6:18 PM: It’s CC’s boyfriend! Jason Segal! Not loving the hair. Did Ryan Seacrest just suggest he was going into his man cave? What? Back off Seacrest!

6:20 PM: Seth Macfarlene just dropped an F-bomb. Olivia Wilde is good looking and dressed like the 10 she is. Nene is giving sass. Everything is perfect… wait… did I really forget to buy ice cream for tonight?

6:25 PM: Christina Applegate, not a fan of that dress. Or the hair. Worlds of wrong.

6:30 PM: Alyson Hannigan! I love! Aaaand now she’s talking about breast feeding. Enough with the babies, celebrities. Mariska Hargitay is also looking phenom.

6:31 PM: Oh my god! it’s Pam (Jenna Fischer). She actually cleans up nice, blah blah, nothing new there.

6:35 PM: Tracy Morgan please be the Kanye of tonight. 22 nominations for 30 Rock but they’re going home with 26. Ew, Nene is hitting on Tracy. This is getting a little to graphic for me.

6:38 PM: Turtle, dump Jamie. Date me. Aw, okay they’re actually cute. Jeff Probst just threatened to “pull a Kanye.” Like what’s he gonna do? “Listen Ryan, I’m real happy for you and I’mma let you finish but DUNKLEMAN was the best host of American Idol of all time!”

6:40 PM: Autograph cam was a cute idea… in theory.

6:45 PM: What’s with hairdo, Rob Lowe’s creepy son?

6:50 PM:I spotted David Boreanaz. I love. Is it just me or does everyone look kinda plain? I want some wild fashion! Oh, apparently Mr. Jay agrees. Not fierce. Sandra Oh creeps me out. Am I alone in this?

6:52: I’m so over Twilight and all these new sparkly vampires. And this unfunny sketch. Is it wrong that I’m looking more forward to the new episode of Khloe and Kourtney than the actual Emmy’s?

6:55 PM: Amy Pohler, coolest mommy ever. I really like Katrina Bowden’s dress! Rainn Wilson, creepy.

7:00 PM: Vanessa Williams has some fantastic knockers. Her doorknocker earrings, people.

7:05 PM: Kate Walsh looks incredible! Favorite dress thus far. Props for the Aldo clutch and the Vuitton shoes. Nene says she’s, “not impressed” with anyone and hasn’t seen the “bam!” Mr. Jay is loving on Sandra Oh. Something about Sandra just unsettles me. ALEC BALDWIN AHHHH I SEE HIM!

7:10 PM: Stephen Moyer just did the “stiletto cam.” Hot. Nene just told Mr. Jay, “Black girls are not into the vampires, hunny.” She is all full of attitude tonight.

7:15 PM: Lonely Island is all kinds of precious. I feel that Giuliana and Ryan have mentioned Megan Fox on SNL quite a few times. I feel she’ll do a great job looking ridiculously good while not being funny.

7:20 PM: Time to order the Pad Thai. This order’s dedicated to you Ellen Pompeo.

7:25 PM: Jimmy Fallon, I miss you. Leighton’s dress is not good. Did she miss the “no white after Labor Day” memo?

7:27 PM: Of course Marci Klein looks fabulous, she’s Calvin Klein’s daughter. Gotta love this 30 Rock fam. I’m getting really tired of this “pull a Kanye” nonsense. Not.

7:30 PM: John Krasinski is looking so fox. Holy jeez, he’s tall! He’s like twice the size of Seacrest.

7:31 PM: Stewie just dissed Giuliana Rancic. Then Seacrest just dissed Giuliana for doing a Stewie Griffin bit. Ahhh the tension is high, actors are drunk and Leighton looks like a cotton ball.

7:35 PM: Ugh, Blake Lively. Your hair is wack, your dress is scandal and I want to be you.

7:37 PM: And the award for Blandest Couple of the Year goes to… Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy!

7:40 PM: What was Duckie wearing? Is Hayden drunk or does she just talk like that? When’s my Pad Thai gonna get here? All the burning questions, the hard hitting issues. College Candy, you heard it here first.

7:42 PM: Elaine, you’re awkward and I like you. I miss Seinfeld.

7:45 PM: Aaaand the Pad Thai is here. Yum. Justin Timberlake. Yummier. January Jones’ dress? Not so yum.

7:53 PM: More 30 Rock! All kinds of love. They should get all 22 of those Emmys.

7:55 PM: Really? I’m the only one who hated Applegate’s dress? Whatever, Nene.

8:00 PM: Red carpet… OVER! Time for the actual show!

I’m having a tough time admitting this, mostly because I think she stole my life, but I have a huge crush on Chelsea Handler. I was introduced to Ms. Handler a few years back when my friend shoved her first book, “My Horizontal Life” in my hands and screamed, “this was your idea!”

Yes, it’s true. I had always planned on compiling my one night stand stories into a book, but I needed a few more hump sessions to complete it and Chelsea beat me to it.

I wanted to so badly to hate what I read, but I couldn’t. The book was laugh out loud funny, and I’m pretty sure I bothered everyone else in Starbucks when I read the entire thing in one day. When I finally reached the end, I determined that Chelsea and I were soul mates.

Since then, Chelsea has written another NY Times Bestseller and got her very own show, Chelsea Lately, on E! Some people think she slept her way into that late night slot (her BF just happens to be in charge of the network), but I don’t care. If it took a little pork-sesh to bring this woman to TV, then so be it. If anything, it only proves that the woman is as good between the sheets as she is behind the round table.

Chelsea Handler is hilarious, beautiful, witty and has a killer sense of style. When I tune into her show nightly (I haven’t missed an episode in months), I am as entertained by what she says and does as I am by the gorgeous and drool-worthy stilettos on her feet. Stilettos that she uses to effectively stomp on the hopes, dreams and careers of Hollywood’s most ridiculous characters.

And even they find her funny.

Chelsea Handler proves that comedy isn’t just for the boys/ugly women. She’s the total package and if it takes sleeping with her to become her full-sized sidekick (she’s already got a mini-friend), I’ll do it. Maybe we could pen that story into a book together.

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Heels or flats?”
“Pizza or salad?”
“Prada backpack or Skechers?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore is more fame whorey, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Perez Hilton and Ryan Seacrest. Which one would we like to ship off to a small island in the South Pacific first? Do we really have to choose?!

Day Job

Perez Hilton is the (self proclaimed) Queen of All Media. As if the self proclaimed part wasn’t infuriating enough, it boggles my mind as to how Perez has actually made a career out of this fictional job title. Apparently to be the Queen of All Media, all you need is some (creatively acquired) paparazzi pic, Microsoft Paint and the ability to straddle the boarder of what is deemed the acceptable use of the English language. For the last time, spelling sexy as “secksi” does not make you clever or trendy, it makes you illiterate.

Ryan Seacrest may be the actual Queen of All media. That guy is EVERYWHERE. He graces American Idol on a weekly basis, runs a syndicated radio talk show, became an executive producer, hosted Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, the 2007 Emmy Awards and hosts for E! on a regular basis. He also made a cameo in Knocked Up, and even participated in Fear Factor. Talk about over exposure – when does this this guy have time to sleep?

Point: Perez Hilton. People actually like and trust what Ryan has to say. There is nothing to like or trust about a picture of a penis on someone’s face. Thanks for nothing, Perez.

Style

Perez Hilton has made worst dressed lists numerous times. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own style, but when you pretend to hold some sort of authority on how clothes should be worn, you better damn well know what looks good. Maybe Perez should take a break from attacking celeb outfits and concentrate on his own wardrobe, because last time I checked, shower caps were a big fashion NO. And if that picture isn’t insulting enough, Perez later launched his own fashion line, which of course, failed.

Ryan Seacrest is the poster child for metrosexuality. Let’s see – meticulously styled, perfectly highlighted hair? Check. Teeth so white they glow? Check. Fashionably distressed, dry cleaned jeans? Check. Spray on tan? Double check. The facts don’t lie; Ryan has metrosexual written all over his freshly botoxed forehead.

Point: Perez Hilton. Seriously, leave the shower cap in the shower.

Celeb Feuds

Perez Hilton makes fun of celebrities. In that middle school sorta way. If you have been in any tabloid EVER, Perez has written something mean about you. The man knows no boundaries. Proof? He even calls babies fat. BABIES. It’s no secret that Perez’s latest feud is with Miss California, so we should be expecting him to milk that situation for all its worth for another few weeks while his favorite punching bags wait on the back burner. These celebrities are often affectionately nicknamed something misogynistic and or degrading such as Maniston, Lezlo, and Zaquisha.

Ryan Seacrest is no stranger to celebrity feuds himself. Where to begin… I suppose we should start with the American Idol crew. We’ve all sat through the uncomfortable quips between Ryan and Simon Cowell, but Ryan has also gone on record talking about an “icy” relationship with Paula Abdul as well. Then there’s the feud between Ryan and Charlie Sheen, which erupted after Ryan chose business over friendship and produced Denise Richard’s reality show. And of course, who could forget the time Ryan ripped open Kathy Griffin’s shirt at the American Music Awards?

Point: Ryan Seacrest. I’m going to have to go with quality over quantity here. Perez may have lots of little tiffs, but Ryan has some big beef.

Media Personality

Perez Hilton may be called many things, but he has never been called nice. He has made a career out of being a mean, snarky, gossiping, fame-whore. His website is devoted to very serious newsworthy topics, such as celebrities who forgot to wear panties and hot dudes without their shirts on.

Ryan Seacrest also talks about very serious news worthy issues. He asks the hard hitting questions such as, “What’s the deal with Audrina on The Hills?” Unlike Perez, though, Ryan doesn’t mock the celebs; instead he takes himself and his job very, very seriously.

Point: Ryan Seacrest.  It’s great that Ryan takes his job so seriously, but is an exclusive interview with Lauren Conrad really that important?

Hollywood Hookups

Perez Hilton hasn’t been in the relationship spotlight very often, but when it happens, it happens BIG. Perez is infamous for outting closeted celebrities and, in my opinion, he does so in attempt to date them. Case and point? John Mayer. Perez swore to the high heavens that he and John Mayer shared a passionate kiss. Some people (myself included) thought this may have been yet another desperate publicity stunt, that is, until John Mayer confirmed it.

Ryan Seacrest has been on homosexuality watch for quite some time now. This has not stopped him from hooking up with some  hot Hollywood ladies, including Teri Hatcher and Sheryl Crow.

Point: Perez Hilton. No one’s going to keep kissing you if go shouting it from the gossip sites. Someone should draw a penis on your face, Perez.

Celebretard Prize: Perez Hilton

We’ve got our wine, we’ve got our cupcakes and we’re ready for the Oscars! Well, the pre-show, that is. The Red Carpet is everyone’s favorite part of awards season, and the Academy Awards red carpet is the cream of the crop. Sure, we’re geeked to see who wins the big awards, but we’re girls and we’re more excited to see who takes the biggest fashion risks.

We’ll be watching the pre-show on E!, so join us for our Oscar party. Dish on your favorites and not-so favorites in the comments section below.

6:00 PM: God, I wish Ryan Seacrest was a little taller. He looks goooood.

6:02 PM: Juliana could really use a sandwich. She looks like a hanger with a dress on it.

6:03 PM: NICOLE RICHIE IS PREGGERS AGAIN? And, PS, Miley looks like a cupcake with sequins on it. Barf. Was she nominated for an Oscar? Do they have a new category for “Annoying-Yet-Embarassingly-Addictive Songstress”?

6:07 PM: 5 Dollar Foot Loooooong. Sorry, love the new Subway jingle…and now I’m hungry for a sub.

6:08 PM:  Who decides who gets invited to this gig? And why on earth would they invite Miley? She really just doesn’t belong.

6:11 PM: Jay Manuel = troll with a haircut. What is with the hair, buddy?

6:16 PM: I’m not sure if we all see the same commercials, but the new Maybelline Lash Stiletto commercial just came on for me and I just have to wonder how many different kinds of mascara one company can make. I can’t keep up!

6:18 PM: Hugh Jackman. Mmmmm. The accent is delicious, but I could watch this man on mute for 5 hours and be totally content. And turned on.

6:22 PM: OMG HERE COMES DEV PATEL. He looks so cute in a tux.

6:28 PM: Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn? I prefer Sean, but I kinda wanna see Mickey thank his recently-deceased puppy in some satin leisure suit. What a hot mess.

6:30 PM: Hellooooo Zak Efron. Someone needs a haircut. He actually looks un-hot right now. Yeah, I said it.

6:32 PM: Vanessa Hudgens looks like she had an unfortunate bra stuffing incident. Those tissues are supposed to be IN the dress, Vanessa!

Don’t forget to vote for your pick for Best Picture on CC’s main page!

6:37 PM: What is the Oscar secret? I’m so nervous!! Wait…that’s it? Old Oscar winners are gonna be standing around handing out an Oscar? That’s it!? What about Hugh without a shirt? Or pants? Or an award being read by Angelina and Jen?! This is more disappointing than that time I went to that frat party and it was dry. DRY.

6:44 PM: OMG how cute are the Slumdog kids? I wanna pull an Angie and take em all home.

6:46 PM: Did Juliana just call the kids “delicious”? They are children, not main courses.

6:48 PM: Melissa Leo – Don’t know who she is, but her dress reminds me of the bathroom stall at a bar that I refuse to go into, if you know what I’m sayin…

6:50 PM: Taraji Henson looks gorgeous, but Jay Manuel’s glam-cam with the blue squiggles is killing me. This is not a football replay.

6:51 PM: Frieda Pinto is one of those girls that you want to hate because she’s so damn gorgeous, but she’s also nice and humble and so adorable too! I just. can’t. hate her. And it’s killing me.  She and Dev need to get married.

6:58 PM: Dev Patel is funny, too? OMG sign me up! I’m so smitten, it hurts.

7:00 PM: It’s hard for Heidi Klum not to be beautiful, but I’m not loving her hair. It looks like she just sorta jumped out of the shower and hit the red carpet. After putting on a gorgeous red dress, of course.

7:02 PM: Did Taraji Henson just show the world her Spanx? AMAZING.

7:04 PM: Amanda Seyfried: Miss (I wore a similar dress to my Bat Mizvah…in the 90′s). Amy Adams: Miss (and is she hiding a pregnant belly?). No one can rock the red quite like Heidi Klum. Even if she had to sit on one butt cheek all night. And is rockin’ more ice than Lil Wayne.

7:11 PM: Mickey Rourke makes it to the red carpet…and smokes a cigarette.

7:12 PM: SJP just hit the red carpet. Let’s hope her boobs don’t (literally).

7:13 PM: Is it just me, or is it weird to see “Tropic Thunder” people at the Oscars? Really? Tropic Thunder?

7:14 PM: Did Melissa George forget the dress that goes over that slip?

7:16 PM: I’m gonna say it: Robert Pattinson is not that hot. (Note: please don’t come hunt me down and kill me.) James Franco, though. One word. One letter, actually: mmmmm.

7:19 PM: Marisa Tomei looks like a piece of origami. I would be afraid to get near that dress; papercuts are a bitch.

7:25 PM: Anne Hathaway is beautiful, but wear some color, woman! When you are that pasty, you can’t wear muted tones.

7:27 PM: Sophia Loren. WHOA fake tan/ plastic surgery/ruffles. And Beyonce? I think my grandma has a couch that matches that dress.

7:28 PM: Why does Mickey Rourke always put his hand down his pants? That may be appropriate for watching football on the couch, but not the freaking OSCARS.

 7:30 PM: Diane Lane is giving Josh Brolin the eyes. She’s totally gonna try to do him in the bathroom at the Oscars.

7:32 PM: Jessica Biel definitely just had a quickie with Justin in the limo…and didn’t have time to fix her hair.

7:35 PM: I’m getting bored with this broadcast. Jay and Juliana keep swooning over everyone’s dresses. Where is the drama? Where is the sh*t talking? I want to hear the sh*t! Stop kissing ass and tell us that Anne Hathaway’s/Amanda Seyfried’s dress is ugly.

7:37 PM: I just heard screaming. Are Brad and Angie here?

7:38 PM: Brangelina arrives. And I don’t know which one I want to eff more. That’s normal, right? RIGHT?!

From an IM convo with another CC Writer:

Me: seriously, its unreal how beautiful she is

Me: i dont get it

Me: why dont i look like that

Me: Eff her

CC Writer: octomom does

CC Write: you can too, if you want.

7:42 PM: Why is Phillip Seymour Hoffman wearing a knit ski cap? Don’t you think tonight is a good time to wash the hair? Oh wait… distracted. Bond arrived.

7:44 PM: Penelope Cruz looks gorgeous. OMG.

7:51 PM: Don’t you just want to be BFF with Kate Winslet (and, yes, it’s ok if your sole motivation is to get closer to Leo)? She’s just so sweet and so un-Hollywood. Not to mention the fact that I’ve seen her naked boobs more times than any of my real BFFs.

7:58 PM: Why do Brad and Angie constantly blow off Ryan Seacrest? I’m so sick of their “holier than thou” bullsh*t. Even though they are the hottest couple of all time.

8:00 PM: Time for the big show (and some pizza!! woooo). We’ll be back tomorrow to review all the big winners. And bitch about Brad and Angie avoiding us again. We make you famous, Brangelina! TALK TO US.

Oh and where are Jen and John? Hmmm…