My personal fight with an eating disorder started innocently as a goal to get fit and healthy as a freshman in college. I was never overweight, but I suddenly became very self-conscious in a dorm room filled with girls who were prettier and thinner. I began joining in on the nightly runs and workouts with the other girls – not only were helping me lose weight and get in shape, but I was making new friends as well. It was very difficult for me to be in a new place with no one I knew. I had grown up in a small Christian high school where everyone knew my name, where it was easy to be popular and liked, and where I identified my worth with the achievements, awards, and titles that I held. Now, as I began to compare myself with my new friends, I suddenly felt insecure and as if I had lost my worth. With the praise that I began to receive about how great I looked, I started to believe that being skinny would be what could make me happy and feel self-worth.

In an effort to see more change faster, I began to cut carbohydrates and meat out of my diet, soon only eating fruits and vegetables at each meal.  My sense of accomplishment for having lost weight with just cutting back on “junk food” and exercising every day fueled a deeper desire for more control over life.  During this time, my family was going through some very difficult issues and I had always had a hard time voicing my anger, hurt, and frustration. Restricting my body of food and pushing myself physically through exercise allowed me to “voice” my negative feelings. Rather than sharing how I felt about my insecurity and pain, I turned inward and began to find solace in controlling my own body.

During my second semester I had let my eating take over my life to the point where I had lost 30 pounds in two months. My RA had finally convinced me to go to the doctor with her and when I was officially diagnosed as an anorexic, the dean of women immediately sent home for treatment. Rather than accepting the help of doctors and therapists, I decided to cling to my eating disorder even more tightly. I had fallen beyond the point where I was choosing not to eat, and was now in a place where I was so overwhelmed with the fear of letting go and losing control that I couldn’t make myself eat.

Over the next two years I was sent to different hospitals and treatment centers as my weight continued to spiral down. I had lost sight of the goals and dreams I had for my life and the only goal that mattered was seeing the numbers on the scale decrease. It felt the a war was going on inside of me – one side of me wanted to never let go of anorexia, I had found comfort and control in the disease, yet the other side of me was screaming for help to get my life back, to feel like myself again and to be able to stop thinking about my weight.

It wasn’t long before I hit rock bottom. At 68 pounds I was labeled a chronic anorexic and my doctor told my parents to prepare for my funeral. I was once again admitted to a long inpatient stay and tube-feed in order to regain weight. The experience was unpleasant to say the least and after gaining enough weight to stabilize, I left against medical advice, swearing that I would never be back.  While in the hospital I caught a glimpse of my life passing before my eyes, of the time I couldn’t get back, of the friends I had lost, of the years I spent in hospitals and I finally realized that I had to take action if I wanted to stop anorexia from taking my life. Right then I promised myself that I would get better. I took responsibility for my recovery and began to see the future that I could have once I decided to live healthy and accept the help of others.

As I began to nourish my body physically, I began to feel better emotionally and mentally. With daily baby steps of accepting myself and setting goals  -physically, mentally and emotionally, I was able to get back on track. Most importantly, I knew that God had a greater plan for my life, that I was not meant to live trapped in an eating disorder.

I did not recover overnight. It took roughly two years for me to begin experiencing life again without turning toward anorexia’s habits. With the help of counselors, family, and friends, I was able to voice my disappointment and hurt in order to move on from past pain. A big part of my recovery was finding something that I loved to do that would help others. It is when you help someone who is in need that you realize just how grateful you are for life.  I still had difficult days where I wanted to turn back to anorexia and feel the self-satisfaction of not eating, but I continued to press on toward my new goals of finishing college and starting my career.

Now, after having attained my bachelors degree and being on a career path that I could have only dreamed about, I am overwhelmed with peace and joy. Life is not about what size jeans you wear or how much skinner you are than the girl next to you. Nor is life about hiding the pain and hurt you feel to look perfect on the outside. Life is about giving and receiving love, cherishing the time you have with friends and family, and becoming the person you dream of being. If you have ever struggled with an eating disorder, press on, for life awaits you. If you know someone with an eating disorder, continue to support and pray that they will see their true worth. Together, we can overcome the deadly trap of eating disorders.

[If you have questions for Kristie or need to talk to someone, email her]

I admit it, wholly and completely. I am, without a shadow of a doubt, hopelessly addicted.

Not to cigarettes or alcohol (well, okay, a little, but that’s another story) or WOW. I, like your oh-so-typical American female, love to shop. Money damn near literally burns a hole in my wallet – when I have money, anyway. Letting me loose in a mall with $100 is dangerous. I’ll hit up just about everything…save for the clothing stores.

If shopping is one of my highs, shopping for clothes is one of my lows. Nothing is more disheartening or more depressing than to realize that nothing – nothing – in the store will fit you. I won’t lie; it hurts hearing girls complain how much they hate that their pants size is in the double digits. I’d kill to have my pants size in the low to mid teens.

Since puberty tripped up my heels at the confused age of 13, I’ve been fat. Not, “Oh God, 135 pounds, I’m so fat!” fat, but actually obese. Clinically, anyway. I haven’t been under 200 pounds since I was 14. And yeah, part of it is genetics. I come from a pretty heavyset family. But a lot of it is my lifestyle and eating habits. And I’m sick of it.

I’m sick of squeezing into 18s because I don’t want to acknowledge that a 20 would fit better. I’m sick of purposely avoiding mirrors. I’m sick of not fitting in chairs, not being able to cross my legs at the knees, being winded when I climb stairs, and sucking in my stomach. I’m sick of being sick of myself, and I’ve decided that I’m ending that chapter of my life for good.

Now, I know how hard it is for girls my size to really reach that “Okay, enough!”. For God’s sake, it’s taken me what, seven years? Seven years of diets I knew wouldn’t work, seven years of dropping and losing the same ten pounds, and seven years of nasty looks and nasty comments. So for any women out there who are going through what I’m going through at any stage, I’m inviting you to tag along.

I’ll update weekly or biweekly, depending on how often you guys want me to, with my highs and my lows, my triumphs and my failures. You’re free to make as many suggestions as you want – things you want me to try or things you want me to not try.

Now, I’m not going into this diet with the eventual goal of being “skinny”. I’m fairly certain I can’t get to that, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. There’s a nifty little calculator I used that’ll tell you what your weight should be ideally, medically, etc. I am aiming to be 150 – or fit into medium-large/14-16, whichever comes first – by the time I graduate in May of 2009.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not dieting just for fashion purposes. I know I’m hardly at a healthy weight, and as someone who is genetically predisposed to diabetes and heart disease, I can’t afford to not be healthy. And a little after this time next year, I want to actually genuinely feel good about myself.

And I will shop my ass off.

Current Weight: 227.

Current Size: XXL, or 20/22.

You already know I eat meat. And I certainly sleep with people who eat meat too. So, it’s good to know my new red meat eating habits are totally in.

I always knew salads were so passé.

If you’re one of those girls that don’t eat on a date because of “nerves,” give it up. Apparently, if you want to make a statement, order a steak. I mean even the New York Times thinks so, so it MUST be true.

According to a woman interviewed by the Times, steaks sent the message that she is “unpretentious and down to earth and unneurotic,” while burgers said she was a “cheap date and low maintenance.”

And I agree. Since I started eating red meat about 9 months ago, I’ve felt less like the fussy girl who picks off the pepperoni and more like the awesome foodie girl you’ve always wanted to date.

So put down the lettuce, ladies. Leave the salads for a lunch with the girls. If you really want to impress, order a steak.

Or cook one up for you and your guy. Or go out for burgers. But by god, order what you like.

And eat it with gusto.