Dear “The Situation” (if that’s even your real name),

You have nice abs. We get it. But don’t you think maybe it’s time to put a shirt on? At the beach on the Jersey Shore, it’s okay. But at the gym when you’re all sweaty, it’s unsanitary. And at the Grammy’s!?!? Do I even have to explain that one?

At first I thought maybe you couldn’t afford a shirt (especially the bedazzled Ed Hardy variety that you JS boys prefer) and contemplated starting a fund for you. Like what Tom’s doing with shoes, but with graphic tees. But then I learned how much you make for (often topless) appearances and realized that it’s not a financial issue at all. It’s just…you.

Listen, I admire what you’ve got goin’ on, especially compared to some of the guys I’ve seen who’ve had a few too many late night burritos,  but I have a great ass and you don’t see me walking around in assless chaps everywhere I go! Get what I’m sayin’, brah?

So please, Sitch, put on a shirt. You just might gain a little respect. Emphasis on might.

Love,
CollegeCandy

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2010/04/20/no-shirt-no-shoes-no-service-not-for-the-situation/feed/ 3 Jessica- Delaware http://collegecandy.com/2010/03/23/candy-dish-lindsay-lohaned-hardy-collab/ http://collegecandy.com/2010/03/23/candy-dish-lindsay-lohaned-hardy-collab/#comments Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:00:46 +0000 CC Staff http://collegecandy.com/?p=57109 match made in heaven. • Animals with stuff stuck to their heads are really cute. • 7 clothing items men should avoid at all costs. AMEN. • Lipstick is back. Ease back in with this fun little kit. • The best of the best upscale consignment shops. • Kim Kardashian is single.... and so is REGGIE BUSH!!]]>

This seems like a match made in heaven.

Animals with stuff stuck to their heads are really cute.

7 clothing items men should avoid at all costs. AMEN.

Lipstick is back. Ease back in with this fun little kit.

The best of the best upscale consignment shops.

Kim Kardashian is single…. and so is REGGIE BUSH!!

It’s a fact: I love the Jersey Shore and recently it seems nobody is letting me forget it. The Situation and Snooki are everywhere: on every talk show, every gossip website, every tabloid, and recently even gracing the Grammy’s red carpet (where The Situation obviously took off his shirt…)

And now it has gone too far.
The Seaside Heights residents themselves were just invited to Fashion Week.

Snooki the fashionista? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

The Grammys were one thing – I mean, those guys sure know how to beat a good beat – but now this? I mean yes, I am shamelessly and unconditionally in love with the Guido crew, but this is Fashion Week! Only the most glamorous and influential fashionistas are invited! The only fashion show these kids belong at is Ed Hardy… or maybe Fredrick’s of Hollywood for my girl, JWoww.  That makes a little more sense than getting front row seats to DVF, Marc Jacobs or any other high profile designer showing their goods. How do you think Anna Wintour is going to feel when she can’t see over Snooki’s elaborate pouf? And what will Nina Garcia have to say about her signature corset?

Sadly, though, giving tickets to the Guidos isn’t even the worst part. It is rumored that some of the cast has been approached to model a few shows. JWoww the model?  Something tells me she wouldn’t have the right look to work a DVF wrap dress… or anything that’s meant to cover more than nipples and lady bits. Oh and Sammi Sweetheart is in on the model opportunity too, because when I think “couture” I instantly imagine these two.

Well, at least the NYC tanning salons will get some quality business before the shows kick off on February 12th. You know this invite calls for some GTL.

So, despite the fact that their assistants and private security will probably send these gifts away before they have the chance to open and enjoy them, here is my list of gifts I’ll be picking up for my favorite Hollywood A (and D) Listers.

Katie Holmes: A Patagonia jacket and some running shoes. The company is eco-friendly, you know. And, well, you never know when Katie might need to go running. In the middle of the night. In the middle of the winter. From a large compound in Telluride.

Brad Pitt: Condoms. And lots of them.  I don’t care how much he might love getting it on with his hot wife kids, we all know what happens to families with too many. And eight is already too many. Plus, Brad is so much sexier on a motorcycle than when he’s toting the kids around in a giant Escalade. And a nasty beard.

Jennifer Aniston: We know this Hollywood starlet hasn’t had the best luck with men, so we thought we’d give her something a little more dependable. Now she can have it all: the long-term cuddle buddy she’s been looking for, without all of that tabloid heartache.

Rob Pattinson: Me, wrapped in a bow. Or, you know, maybe some shampoo?

Tiger Woods: A lifetime pass The Bunny Ranch, the legal brothel in Nevada. Homeboy’s gonna need to get his rocks off somewhere now that he’s effed his way through the entire population of Florida.

Speidi: A vacation. Forever. In Sub-Saharan Africa. What can I say – I’m a giver.

Jon Gosselin: It’s hard to look cool in a giant van when you’re carting around your eight adorable Asian kids. Which is why Jon totally needs some Ed Hardy floor mats and a steering wheel cover. And if I have any money left over, maybe I’ll throw in a custom paint job, too. Anything to help Jonny Boy find true love again.

Adam Lambert:  Eye-makeup remover.  And a chisel.

Kanye West: According to Tim McGraw AND Snoop Dogg, all Kanye West deserves for Christmas is a serious beat down. But maybe I should leave that to Chris Brown?

No?

Too soon?

Last week, AOL’s Parent Dish blog posted an interview with Jon Gosselin in which the revolting reality star revealed that he’s flirting with Judaism. His current girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is a Member of the Tribe herself, and she’s apparently turned him on to the wonders of Jewish holidays and munchies: “I just went through Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and learned about the new year and every Friday is the Shabbat dinner. I love challah bread. I’m learning about Jewish food, going to Zabar’s. I love that place. I’m learning about kosher and when not to order a bacon, egg and cheese and make an ass of myself,” he said.

The interviewer then asked Jon if he can see himself converting, and he replied by saying that he’s already spoken to Rabbi Shmuley, star of TLC’s Shalom in the Home and Michael Jackson’s former BFF.

Jon’s only the latest in a long line of public figures who have made headlines by dabbling in Judaism—Britney Spears was spotted wearing a Star of David this summer, fueling rumors that she was switching religious teams to get closer to once and current boyfriend Jason Trawick. Lindsay Lohan reportedly announced on Facebook that she was converting for Samantha Ronson, although it’s unclear whether she went through with it since she and Sam split up last spring. And don’t forget about Madonna, whose uber-Christian name makes her devotion to Kabbalah insanely ironic.

I totally understand why stars would want to become Chosen People themselves. Our holidays are fun (we’ve got at least two that instruct those celebrating to get hammered), our food is incredible, and we’ve got pretty deep ties to the entertainment industry. Plus, I’m sure they think that doing anything that makes them more like Marilyn Monroe couldn’t hurt.

But here’s the thing: we Jews aren’t exactly excited about the prospect of welcoming idiot celebrities into our culture. Britney, Jewish girls get a bad enough reputation for being crazy—we don’t need you to make things worse. That goes double for Lindsay, who should also know that Jewish girls generally are sensible enough to wear a pair of pants once in awhile. And I think I speak for everyone I went to Hebrew School with when I say that I never, ever want to be in a position where I have anything in common with Jon Gosselin.

Okay, so Jon, Britney, and Lindsay wouldn’t exactly ruin the religion—especially since we’ve had bigger crises to deal with recently—but they wouldn’t be doing us any favors, either. Like any minority group, Jews love feeling a sense of pride when they see prominent fellow Jews succeeding. Likewise, we can’t help but feel disappointed when a Jew does something stupid. I think I’d be feeling a whole lot of disappointment if Jon Gosselin started regularly noshing on bagels and lighting candles on Friday nights.

Hailey Glassman, you’re breaking your mother’s heart. I hope you’re happy.

They are all over the media and even if you’ve never seen their show, everyone knows who Jon and Kate are thanks to their very public separation and the battle that’s ensued. Their conflicting stories on the reason behind their divorce is plastered all over every tabloid, and the cops have even been called to settle domestic disputes at their home where they trade shifts for parent duty.

They lost a battle to Speidi right here on CollegeCandy only a few short months ago. But little did we know then that soon the couple would turn on one another. (Editor’s Note: Is this the fate of the Speids? We can only dream.) It’s now time for them to duke it out, fair and square.

Fame Whorey-ness
Jon: Jon attempted to advertise himself as a victim of a camera whore, claiming that the reality show is what ruined his marriage and blaming Kate for wanting to continue filming. But now that the two are split we see that what Jon really wants is to be famous on his own, separate from his wife of ten years. When you are in talks to do a reality show about divorced dads, you know you’re desperate for attention. And when those talks are with Michael Lohan, you’ve really hit a new low. Not to mention the fact that every time Jon goes out in public he might as well be wearing strobe lights; head to toe Ed Hardy and a 20-year old arm candy aren’t exactly under-the-radar choices.

Kate: After the split, Kate has been doing a lot of talking… to anyone who will listen. She continues to write books about her life and tours the country meeting all of her fans. And she’s been on every talk show in existence discussing her separation and closing with the same saga story of “living for her kids” complete with the choke-back (“I’m sorry, I need a second”) and then the flowing tears.

Point: Jon. At least Kate is promoting the show that centers around the point of this whole thing- the children.

Appearance

Jon: The double ear piercing, the graphic tees, that I-worked-an-hour-to-get-my-hair-to-look-messy hairdo – it all goes really well with the bull’s eye he has balding in the back of his head.

Kate: The backwards mullet? Really? If the entire country equates your hairstyle with road kill (porcupine? Raccoon? Take your pick!), you’d think you would get the hint. Other than her fugly haircut, Kate has come leaps and bounds from where she was ten years ago. She’s rocking a svelte new figure, always looks put together in an appropriate, stylish outfit, and rocks a flawless tanned glow.

Point: Kate. Jon looks like a douche, but that hair can’t possibly lose this one.

Romantic Life

Jon: Who isn’t Jon dating? He’s been separated for like 3 months and already has two women fighting over him (two raunchy, aspiring slutlets, BTW). He’s even added some Lohan-esque late night car shots to his book. Way to keep things classy, Jon.

Kate: Is Kate dating her bodyguard or isn’t she? Who knows? The tabloids have been buzzin’ with speculation about who Kate’s canoodling with, but Porcupine Head has yet to deny or confirm anything. Perhaps she isn’t dealing with the split as easily as Jon, perhaps she is still holding onto a shred of hope that reconciliation is in the future. Perhaps she should take off her wedding ring.

Point: Jon. What a male role model these kids have. If this keeps up, Joel, Colin and Aaden will be rocking diamond studs and bangin’ kindergarten girls by the time they reach the fourth grade.

Their “True Colors”

Jon: Through all 4 seasons of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Jon had the sympathy factor. “Oh poor Jon, Kate is so mean to him.” “Oh poor Jon, he’s trying his best to be a good dad and enjoy life.” Well boo-hoo, it looks like Jon has cried himself into the piercing chair one too many times and dried his tears with an endless wardrobe of tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts. Now he’s gallivanting around town with two young 20-somethings, spending wild nights out partying and shaking his chub on the deck of yachts all over the Atlantic. Looks to me like Jon has been hiding his true colors beneath a pushover, nice guy cover up all these years. Deep down? He’s really a douchebag.

Kate: We’ve been seeing Kate’s true colors since the first season of their show. She is tirelessly organized to the point of obsessive. And when the lists fall short and stressful situations arise (vacations, getting the kids to school, every other waking moment with 8 children), Kate’s nasty, controlling demeanor really shines through. She orders Jon around, has been known to strike him on occasion and shows absolutely no affection towards him whatsoever.

Point: Jon. At least Kate’s true colors, while frightening at times, get the job done. She has yet to lose a kid, miss a meal, or have anyone show up at school without underwear on.

And the Celebretard Award Goes To….Jon! He has broken down into a midlife crisis tinted by tacky-desperate-whore-colored glasses and has become a horrible role model for his children humanity. I feel confident that he will continue to uphold his title for years to come.

Graphic tees are a fun, comfortable way to express your individuality and style (sorry, your “I LOVE BEER” shirt doesn’t count…), without breaking the bank. Every one of us has at least one that we enjoy wearing on a regular basis, but most likely we are wearing it simply with a pair of jeans or some sweatpants for the sake of comfort. While Jon Gosselin ruined graphic tees for the world, if done right (Read: not over-the-top and obnoxious), they are a simple and fun way to add some serious cool to any outfit.

Here are some ideas to re-work the graphic tee with some other items you’ve already got lying around.

1. Wear it under a jacket.

We all have at least one type of jacket in our closet, whether it be a a basic suit jacket, denim jacket, or cropped. The structure of the jacket adds a bit of class and makes the outfit look a bit more put-together, while the graphic tee adds an edge to an otherwise simple (or stuffy) outfit. An easy accessory to dress up the outfit even more is a long necklace, preferably one that is not too over-the-top. You don’t want to overdo it, after all.

Oh and, for the love of Anna Wintour, PLEASE, don’t pair a denim jacket with jeans. No one wants to end up on a Glamour “Don’t” page along with the old picture of Justin and Britney in their matching head-to-toe denim tuxedos. Eek.

2. Wear it with a vest.

The graphic tee looks great with a longer sweater vest or  a shorter suit-inspired vest for an added layer of style. This look is perfect for a polished casual look with jeans, or even a night out with some hot dark denim or black pants with some sexy pumps. Adding a long necklace or scarf will complete the look and take you from “jeans and a tee” to “totally chic and put together.”

3.  Wear it with a long-sleeved shirt.

I know, I know; picturing this style may remind you of your high school days or fall American Eagle or Gap catalogs, but you can make this outfit look stylish so that you can show off creative graphic tees even in cooler weather. Try to coordinate a different-colored long-sleeved tee under. For example, a more neutral graphic tee could use a fun, bright long-sleeved tee underneath. Conversely, wearing a more neutral tone under a colorful graphic tee will ensure that the tee is the focal point. Make sure to pull down the long-sleeve tee so that the bottom pops out from under the graphic tee near your hips. This look also looks great with a thinner scarf!

While these may be simple adjustments, when grabbing a graphic tee out of your closet, many times the temptation is to wear it alone as part of a casual outfit. This way, you can get an extra bang for your buck by being able to wear your graphic tees for all sorts of occasions- regardless of whether they are casual (pong tournament!) or on a hot date!

Is this not the cutest photobomber you’ve ever seen?

Mariah Carey delays her album…again.

You may never wanna wear flip flops again.

Who’s next for Dancing With The Stars?

Rapper begs Kanye to come out of the closet.

Ed Hardy….hand sanitizer? COME ON!

“Hey Christian Audigier… Thanks for ruining America…” is how my new favorite song, F**k Ed Hardy, by Dirt Nasty starts.

Christian Audigier, the man who brought us overpriced trucker hats in 2001, is now ruining the world once again with his latest line, Don Ed Hardy. Obvi you know about this stuff, seeing as everyone from Paris Hilton to Lil Jon to the players of Inter Milan (an Italian soccer team) sport the stuff.

And I have to say: I really effing hate Ed Hardy.

Now, I’m not the usual one to bash on things, but after hearing for two years how ‘cute’ Ed Hardy is and having friends coo over the shirt, shoes, hats and other accessories… I’m absolutely sick of it. Instead of just wrinkling my nose in distaste and immediately walking to the other side of Nordstrom, here are actual reasons why I hate that crap.

You with me?

1. It’s Ugly
As Dirt Nasty kindly points out, “Who had a seizure? It must have been the dude that made that tee-shirt.” Let’s go through the anatomy of a regular Ed Hardy tee, shall we?

The design itself starts out about (depending on the shirt) five inches above the hem. Nothing wrong with that, just a normal tee shirt… Except after those inoffensive few inches, it’s literally like some child took out the markers and just just drew a bunch of unrelated crap on a poor quality tee.

I get it; the images are based off of tattoo artist Ed Hardy’s work, but really Christian? What the hell do skulls; roses; tigers; hearts; eagles; top hats the words “peace,” “tattoos” and my personal favorite “love kills slowly”; have to do with each other?  And why does he have to add even more ugly to the mess and plaster his name on top?  Is it because it is so aesthetically important that “Christian Audigier” be scrawled across a woman’s chest? Or perhaps he envisioned a mob of men, women and children pestering – nay, DEMANDING – the wearer where they got such a cool tee.

And what makes this t-shirt different than any other graphic tee? The ugly design and the brand name? Please, I’m not wasting my money on this. Which brings me to…

2. It’s Expensive

The cheapest tee shirt on Ed Hardy’s website is $62. 62 bucks (which is approximately 10 hours working minimum wage with taxes taken out) for a 100% cotton shirt. Rhinestoned tunics can go for $176. What else can you buy for $176? A pair of jeans from J Brand, or a pair of Marc Jacobs shoes at theoutnet.com, or about seven dresses from Forever 21, or almost 2 iPhone 3G’s, or basically the amount of money you’ll spend on food from Wal-Mart during your first 2 ½ months away at school. Or, you know, you can spend that $176+ shipping and taxes on an ugly bedazzled t-shirt. It’s up to you.

3. Even Perez Hilton hates it

Perez Hilton – who has had hair ever color of the rainbow, who wore a brown velour suit jacket to New Year’s 2008 with Tila Tequila, who basically defines tacky – hates Ed Hardy. His nickname for the designer? Christian AudiGaudy. If Perez Hilton thinks you’re gaudy then I don’t even think Stacy London can help you.

4. Jon Gosselin is designing a clothing line for Audigier

This may not have to do as much with Ed Hardy as it does with its designer, but it only seems to anger me more. I’ve seen Project Runway. I’ve seen The Fashion Show. I know for a fact that there are lots of talented designers out there who don’t have the means of expressing their creativity. So Audigier looks past all of these Parsons and Central Saint Martin’s grads and lets Jon Gosselin design a kids line? Way to pick one of the top 10 people LEAST suited to design a line of children’s tees, right in between Carrot Top and Fidel Castro.

5. This guy puts his name on everything

Ed Hardy cups, air fresheners, seat covers, vodka? What the hell is Ed Hardy vodka!?

So next time you find yourself looking over one of his many shirts, don’t be “an Ed Hardy fan… aka I am a maggot” as Andy Milonakis raps, and put the item of clothing down. Then, walk over to H&M and spend that $100 on something that’s stylish, cute and doesn’t make you look like a clueless fashion victim.

My “researching,” as it were, has lead me to spot a couple snubs and surprises in this year’s crop of nominations.  The first (and most important) surprise is the acting and series categories were expanded to hold more contenders.  This is awesome because shows (that I adore) that aren’t normally included now have the chance at major awards.  This is not awesome because now I will have a major identity crisis during the actual awards show.  For example, Family Guy has gotten a nomination for best comedy series.  That puts the show up against others like The Office, 30 Rock, Flight of the Conchords and more.  Well…crap.  I love all of those.  WTF am I supposed to do now??

The reality series category held more shockers.  As in, no Jon & Kate Plus 8?? No Real Housewives?  Does the world hold no meaning any more?! Those shows are some of the best on TV – how do those Emmy people not realize that? Sure, Jon and Kate Plus Drama…and Ed Hardy is getting a little annoying, but don’t you want to see who went with who to the awards show?

And what Kate would do to dress up that hair?

Other things that surprised me: apparently some people still watch Two and a Half Men (who?? who are these people?), Conan O’Brian’s last season of Late Night was snubbed (nooooooo), and Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords is actually the lead actor…even though the show is about a two-person band and he has equal screen time with Bret McKenzie (hmm).

This is way too much emotion and information to handle without alcohol.  I’m going to calmly close my browser and walk away…to my TV.  Where I will patiently wait until 5pm when I can take a shot (or three) and start making my predictions.  Ahh, sweet validation.