Mmmm. Irish Coffee should fix this right up!

It’s no secret that much of the college social life revolves around drinking. We drink to celebrate, mourn, express loyalty to our football teams, to ease boredom, hell,  some people drink to make homework a little more interesting (no, no one else does that?).  Well, all that super fun drinking  sometimes results in not-so-fun consequences: mysterious bruises, ruined shoes, hours’ worth of un-tagging on Facebook, that dude lying next to you, and the raging, horrific hangover trying to escape your brain by splitting it open.

What’s a girl to do? Your mind jumps to Gatorade (don’t have any), Egg McMuffins (dammit, it’s past 10:30!) and water (your Brita pitcher is full of hunch punch) before remembering that bottle of Bloody Mary mix in the back of the fridge. Should you suck it up, stir in some vodka and take a hair of the dog that bit you?

Nope.

The phrase itself refers to an old school Rabies cure (literally, they would place a hair of the dog that bit you in the wound), but has evolved into the idea that if you drink a small amount of whatever got you into this hung-over state, you’ll feel better. It didn’t work for rabies, and it won’t work for your hangover.

A hangover results because of the dehydrating effect alcohol has on your body. Remember what we learned about breaking the seal? Alcohol suppresses your brain’s ability to create anti-diuretic hormones, so you lose essential water, electrolytes, salts and glucose via bathroom breaks. The morning after, your body is frantically trying to replenish all that lost hydration, resulting in fatigue, headache, nausea, etc. These symptoms get worse as your body tries to rid all alcohol from its system, leading some to believe that all this hangover nonsense could be cured by simply drinking more.

Unfortunately, more alcohol will only postpone your hangover. It might temporarily relieve some of the symptoms of a hangover (and keep you in those beer goggles until the boy actually leaves), but when it wears off your body will still have to recover, only now it your liver has extra toxins to break down and remove. So in the end, your headache and nausea will probably be worsened by more alcohol, definitely not relieved.

The best cure for a hangover (besides, you know, not drinking in the first place) is to drink plenty of water to fight dehydration, some Gatorade or Powerade to replace electrolytes, lots of rest, and at least 4 hours worth of mind numbing TV, preferably Real Housewives or True Hollywood Stories, but whatever’s on VH1 will do in a pinch.

Anyways, this occurrence is not inevitable, but pretty regular for me, and from what I’m told, countless other Weekend Warriors. So to make my (and your) Sunday morning/afternoon nausea slightly more tolerable, I present my Top 5 fave Hangover Foods.

5. McDonald’s Diet Coke + an Egg McMuffin.

This makes the list for both its deliciousness and medicinal values. McDonald’s Coke and Diet Coke WILL cure your hangover. My best friend swears by it. So does her Mom. That stuff is great. Unfortunately this meal is 1) highly inconvenient, as there’s very little chance that you will be up early enough to get an egg McMuffin and 2) usually eaten under the circumstances that your hangover is very very severe and you can only manage small bites and sips.

4. Fresh Bagel toasted lightly with cream cheese and O.J.

Delicious when prepared correctly, which is almost always because operating a toaster isn’t (usually) that hard. Also very convenient and easy make when it’s that kind of hangover where you’re still drunk (most likely tequila induced).

3. Stouffer’s Mac & Cheese.

This heap of cheesy goodness will set you back 529 calories, but come on, you’re body is seriously depleted of nutrients right now and you MUST restore them. Right? I like to add gourmet touches to mine, like micro-waving for an extra 3 minutes to develop a nice golden crunchiness around the edge or adding some ketchup. It might sound disgusting, but trust me it is divine.

2. Hot Pizza from your favorite local place.

A chain restaurant pie simply will not do the trick in this situation. Whether you’re game (and sober) enough to drive over there and dine in, or you can barely dial the number for delivery, the soothing taste of gooey cheese and wonderful, glorious carbs should improve your condition any day.

1. Panera Bread’s Cream of Chicken and Wild Rice Soup with a Turkey Sandwich.

When I am hungover, Panera is my substitute Mom. But better (no offense Mom). Where my mother will criticize me for being hungover in the first place, on a SCHOOL DAY no less, Panera greets me with warm, fresh bread, sometimes friendly service and plenty of hydration, compliments of the free refill fountain drinks.

Most importantly, they have the most delicious soup. This is incredibly important, as hangovers force me to revert to feeling like an 8 year old with a cold, and the ultimate sick food is obviously soup. Pair that with freshly baked bread, wonderful turkey and a tallllll glass of water, and I may just experience instant recovery–and so might you.

Herb Peterson, the McMastermind behind the Egg McMuffin, died last week at the age of 89. The egg-cellent treat has been curing hangovers and serious morning cravings since 1972 and Mr. Peterson’s genius will certainly be missed.

Though the Egg McMuffin has a place in the halls of fast food history, not every snack can be so lucky. As a junk food enthusiast and resident gross food researcher, here are my Top 3 Fast Food Flubs.

#3 – Tacos at Burger King (2002)

In a word, they were disgusting. For some reason, the King decided to make a trip south of the border and added 50 cent tacos to their dollar menu. They were soggy, poorly seasoned, used American cheese and the beef may have been horse…or vomit. I don’t know who quarterbacked that decision in the Burger King boardroom but I hope they were sent packing. Better question, I don’t know why I wasted a hard earned dollar from my high school wallet to try them out.

#2 - KFC Famous Chicken Bowls (2006)

Eaten separately, the items inside the Famous bowl are all pretty good. There’s mashed potatoes, gravy, chicken, corn and cheese. Great! Just what the cardiologist ordered. But when thrown together with reckless abandon and left to congeal under a heat lamp and eye of a 15-year-old disgruntled employee, the bowl becomes less famous and more infamous.

Funny man Patton Oswalt has been writing and talking about the bowls all across the country, and his comedy is probably the only thing keeping the dish going.

#1 – Hardee’s Country Breakfast Burrito (2007)

Clocking in at over 900 calories, this burrito is not for the faint of heart…seriously, you could die. It has two cheese omelets, gravy, hashbrowns, bacon bits, and giant chunks of sausage wrapped in a tortilla. I feel constriction in my chest just writing it. And by the way, does everything wrapped in a tortilla automatically become a burrito? There has to be more words in the dictionary.