There are two types of drinkers: The kind that can handle their liquor, and the kind that can’t. The kind of drunk who is the life of the party, and the kind the party wants to punch in the face.

What kind of person are you?

Annoying drunk people…

Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” before they reach for a bottle of Bud Lite/Jager/Windex/anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of intoxication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night instead of wiping your drunken tears on my new cami and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers instead of going home with the Milwaukee’s Best party guests!

Annoying drunk people…

Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you’re a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates’ beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies and become the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

A “friend” of John Mayer once explained that the reason he is often so distant and, well, douchey, with his girlfriends is because he had his heart stomped on at 16. He was madly in love, something went wrong, and he promised never to have his heart broken again.

Awwww.

I bet that made you melt, right? I mean, it’s adorable and endearing that heartthrob John Mayer had his widdle heart bwoken! And it finally explains everything from Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Aniston and all those girls in between! It all makes sense. You are totes on Team Mayer now, aren’t ya?

Well not me.

I don’t know about any of you, but I for one am getting sick and tired of forgiving guys’ sins because of their baggage. I understand having a broken heart – because who hasn’t had one of those – but there is a big difference between proceeding with caution after a breakup and trading in heartache for a free pass in all future relationships.

It is so easy to act like a jerk and blame it on a crazy ex, a horrible breakup, or a long and tumultuous dating history, but how is that fair to anyone? And how can we, as women, allow ourselves to constantly forgive someone for treating us poorly?

There are plenty of people out there who have their share of relationship baggage, so it is a bullsh*t excuse for being a bad significant other to the next person who comes into your life. If you have your issues, deal with them, but do not drag some innocent person into your world and continually apologize because, “I was hurt before.”

It’s crap and I’m sick of it.

Deal with your issues, people. It’s not our fault that hussy broke your heart in middle school, so get over it. Need some help? I hear John Mayer’s got some perfect jams to cry to.

[This story was originally posted by Noa - CU Boulder]

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No matter where you’re headed for a week-long holiday this spring, there are a few things you definitely DON’T need to bring.

1. Your laptop. If you can’t go a week without updating your Facebook status or checking out Perez, it’s sad.  And if you can’t go a week in paradise without updating your Facebook status or checking Perez, it’s scary.

2. Your entire shoe collection. Shoes can take up the most room in your luggage, and if you’re heading to a beach resort, you really only need a pair of flip flops for the beach, a cute pair of strappy heels for partying, and a pair of sneakers for touristy excursions.  You’re not going to miss your knee-high boots.

3.  Your emotional baggage. You are still getting over a bad breakup, and think a spring break fling is the perfect solution.  It’s not.  You just found out you’re failing a class, and plan to drown your sorrows in poolside margaritas.  Bad idea.  Whatever’s stressing you out at home will continue to get you down over break, and mixing negativity with liquor might result in you slurring your problems to your fun-loving friends.  Just let it go.

4. Your inhibitions. You’re not the type to crack a beer at 10 a.m. or to stay out unil 4 a.m. on a Tuesday.  But that’s because you’re usually in the library.  There’s a reason you just dropped a G on a weeklong excursion to the Caribbean: no responsibilities!  Sure, you have to keep yourself safe, but it’s okay to let loose and have (more than) a little fun.

5.  Your stash of Mary Jane. There’s enough (legal) liquor flowing at the bars near your hotel.  Trying to hide drugs to clear security is risky, and the punishment for carrying illegal substances in a foreign country could be more than you bargained for.  Besides, baking out your hotel room will just waste some of the time you could spend sipping an ice cold Mai Tai on the beach.

6.  Your address book. I once promised everyone I knew a postcard from some awesome place I visited.  I ended up spending precious bar money, first on a bazillion post cards, and then on international postage.  As I wrote postcard after postcard, I got cramps in my hand and my well-intentioned salutations turned into generic “Wish you were here!” messages.  Screw the postcards (you’ll probably beat them home anyway), and have a photosharing party when you get home.

7.   Your crazy-expensive accessories. Seriously, a sundress will suffice at most spring break hotspots, and an over-the-top necklace or earrings will just weigh you down.  You don’t want to ruin your Coach bag at a foam party, and you don’t want something expensive targeting you as a muggable tourist.  You WILL survive without Louis Vuitton for a few days, I promise.

8.  Schoolwork. I’ll give you one book to (try to) read on the plane there and back, but once you’ve left for break, don’t even try to kid yourself.  You’re not going to get anything scholarly done. If you think you will, you’re only going to postpone your academic responsibilities, leave for break, and return to a panic attack when you realize a week’s worth of homework is due in twelve hours, and you’re too sunburned and hungover to begin.  Do your best to get everything done ahead of time so that when you come back on Sunday, you won’t have anything on the agenda except Rest and Recover.

What are you leaving behind on Spring Break?

[Photo courtesy of College Publisher.]

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

I was also extremely depressed, dropped out of high school (only for a semester!) and spent three hours a week in intensive outpatient therapy.

However, times have changed and I traded in my razor blades for wine glasses and my sorry, pathetic teenage attitude for a much healthier, positive one. I became happy. Baggage-less, I thought. Completely devoid of any negativity from my past.

And then, as all love stories begin, I met someone who I had absolutely everything in common with and with whom I got along flawlessly for the first six months. I thought I was over my years of self-loathing and teenage drama, and if I could hold a healthy, (somewhat) adult relationship, then I was convinced.

Seriously, this relationship was awesome. We were like male and female versions of each other: We were in the same major (yes, boy magazine journalism major!), loved cheap beer and foosball and basically couldn’t keep our hands off of each other….any time, anywhere.

But, eventually my insecurities came to the surface and the relationship became a huge emotional mess, for both of us. I’m talking the whole screaming at each other in public and then pouring beer on each other to even the score kind of mess. There it was again; all that baggage I thought I tossed years ago, staring me right in the face, mocking what I thought was my new life and new super-happy relationship.

I might be an extreme case (in fact, I know I am), but after the failure of this relationship, that was all lovey-dovey, fairy-tale, red roses on the outside, I began to question, quite Carrie Bradshaw-esque-ly, if we can ever really escape our pasts.

Seriously, what the hell is baggage anyway? What does it include? It is just the bad stuff? The good and the bad? The good, the bad AND the ugly? And if it does include it all, then don’t we all have some baggage?

By the time we hit college, we all have some life behind us. We’ve all experienced some kind of hurt, heartbreak, betrayal, death – something that has contributed significantly to who we turned out to be. And as we get older and start to develop as adults, more and more stuff happens to us. It’s just inevitable. It’s just life. All that life creates feelings and I guess, those feelings are deemed emotional baggage – little trash bags of negativity that pile up in our once-pure hearts and threaten our future relationships – with both ourselves and others.

But if we all have it, then what can we use to judge what is normal or abnormal baggage? You hear stuff about it all the time. So-and-so had so much baggage. Another so-and-so can’t date right now because she has too much baggage. And even another so-and-so lied and said he had too much baggage because he didn’t really like the chick he was dating all that much.

Baggage = the death of relationships.

But, in defense of my once-crazy self, let me be the first to say that we ALL have baggage. The difference here is how you choose to deal with it. If the dude you are dating has a horrible emotional past – mother left when he was 4, dad was abusive, ex-girlfriend broke his heart & stole his money/apartment/car/dignity etc. – but he is able to hold his head high and still find joy in life, then by all means, let him have his baggage – and claim it, too

However, if said dude gets aggressive with you, makes you feel guilty that you’re gonna leave just like his Mother/ex-girlfriend/car did, THEN there is a huge problem – one you definitely need to get away from until the guy gets himself into some serious therapy.

Honestly though, there’s nothing wrong with a little baggage. Baggage makes us different, unique, interesting. Baggage is, in essence, what makes us – it’s what adds dimension to our life story. I’ll be the first to admit that I got some, in my proverbial trunk of life, that sometimes crawls it’s way out. I know you do, too. But it’s all about making a CONSCIOUS effort to be happy about TODAY, not dwell on the losses, ex’s and craziness of yesterday that separates awesome chicks like me and you from the rest of the crazies.

And if you do find yourself in a relationship with a dude with too much baggage, remember there’s not much you can do to help the situation (unless you are a professional therapist, of course)…besides locking your doors & putting in for a restraining order.

Seriously.

[photo from www.mikeblissett.com]

When you’re single, it can be hard to sit back and watch your attached girlfriends in their romantic endeavors. They get flowers from their boyfriends; they always have a date to a party; they have someone to cuddle with in the morning. But they also don’t have the opportunities that you have as an independent woman.

My (ex)boyfriend and I had been doing the long-distance thing for a while. I am currently trying to find my career path, but I had to keep trying to get a job close to him. This eliminated a plethora of job opportunities for me. When you get ready to graduate college, you can move anywhere you want or take any job that’s offered to you.

The girls who are involved have to make their life decisions with their partner. True, they can opt for the long-distance thing, but that still makes moving much harder than it does for you, the single gal with no emotional baggage.

Since reemerging onto the singles scene, I’ve also been feeling less stressed. Personally, I’ve had a lot on my plate lately, and I felt like even the daily “goodnight” phone call was cutting into what little time I have to spend on everything else. It takes effort to make a relationship work. True, it’s great to have a boyfriend to vent to or to seek reassurance from, but when you are trying to balance jobs, school, extracurriculars, and other responsibilities, sometimes it’s nice to be able to focus on you without feeling selfish.

Of course, the best things about being single is your right to be spontaneous, and, more importantly, flirtatious. Since my ex and I were long distance, every visit had to be carefully planned. We had to find a weekend, make travel arrangements, and then plan an itinerary of activities to make every moment together count. I’m not saying these trips weren’t fun, and we definitely had a blast, but I like to live in the moment. We could never call each other an hour beforehand and say, “It’s been a rough Tuesday, want to go to happy hour?” He couldn’t show up on my doorstep unannounced for a romantic date, or even a quickie. Furthermore, everyone in college knows that it’s really hard to plan a weekend in advance. Often, I’d be super stressed before I left, because I knew the weekend would fly by, and on Monday I’d be struggling to cram for exams and write term papers.

Now that I’m single, I can go to a party that I was just invited to; I can decide last minute if I want to stay in with the girls, or accept a dinner-and-a-movie invitation from a guy who may or may not have more-than-friends intentions (and I don’t have to worry about his intentions anyway, because I’m single). In fact, hanging out with a guy, not knowing where the night is going to go, is a feeling that I’ve missed. With my boyfriend, I was safe and secure; someone loved me. He loved me even in sweatpants. He loved me even if I got wasted and tried to cook a giant supreme pizza in his microwave at 4 a.m. (with the plastic wrap still on). That was great and all, but the other night, I dressed up like a “real girl.” I got decked out in a figure-flattering dress, heels that made my legs go on for days, and even let my roommate do my makeup. I was out to turn heads, and it was 100% permissible.

I know that I’m going to crash and burn more than a few times as I try to settle back into the singles scene. I know I’ll face rejection and go on awkward first dates. I know that I’ll get hit on by guys that really make me miss what I had with my ex-boyfriend. But, for me, and the place I’m at in my life right now, it’s exactly what I need. And I know it’s only summer, but my first single Valentine’s day in years can’t get here fast enough.

[Photo courtesy of dailymail.uk]

Just last week, a coworker exclaimed, “Kathryn, you have no game. Your entire approach is off!” Yes, this is true. But somehow, I still get some action, which is why she followed her (rather harsh) declaration with the question, “How do you do it?”

Still, no matter how many times I’ve immediately wished I could retract the bizarre statement that just came out of my mouth, I’ve also been with, or had friends who have been with, equally hopeless guys.

Reviewing my own traumatic events, as well as some of my friends’ bizarre sexual encounters, I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst things to say during sex. Because I’m a woman, they are written from a female perspective, but each of these can be just as cringe-worthy coming from a guy.

1. “Ohhhh, Michael… I mean… Dan?”

Make sure you know the name of the person you’re inviting past the pearly gates. Calling someone by another name will at once crush your partner’s ego and make you look sleazy. Once, I was hooking up with a guy and he proceeded to pour out his feelings for another girl… and try to get my advice on how to go about courting her. That really sucked, and he was pissed when I cut our session short.

2. “Why does your penis curve like that?”

There’s a variety of awkward comments that can damage a guy’s self esteem. Talking about size, shape, or “unique” sexual patterns can make him feel on edge. It goes for women, too. If you’re on top, do you want him to comment on the way your breasts jiggle in his face? No. During sex, both parties should feel sexy. Even if you like way his penis curves because it hits your G-spot just right, you shouldn’t ask why his genetic attributes are different than anyone else’s that you’ve ever been with. Asking “why” can easily be taken the wrong way. Instead, try a more positive approach, and encourage his tactics. Being vocal is a great way for both of you to get the most pleasure from your sexual experience, but try to use a more optimistic choice of words.

3. “So, how do you think you did on the Econ exam?”

Safe, casual sex is common among many college students. I know plenty of people who have had friends with benefits, no strings attached. You don’t have to fake it and scream expletives or pledge your love to someone if you’re not really that ecstatic. But you still don’t want sex to get so casual that you’re typing a take-home exam on your laptop while he’s doing you doggy style.

4. “I totally thought my cheating ex gave me something, but I got it checked out.”

The STD-talk is smart. But you should have that conversation before the condom even comes out. Saying, “I’ve been tested, but we should still use protection” is hot. Waiting until he’s thrusting away to bring up a past scare or an ounce of current doubt is not. Besides, leave any emotional baggage your ex left you with at the door. Your partner doesn’t want to know you’re thinking about someone else (especially an ex), and he definitely doesn’t want to waste the rest of your tryst with visions of penicillin dancing in his head.

5. “Did we use a condom?”

Guys taking advantage of drunk girls is very serious. On the other hand, if you got a little too drunk to use your best judgment, he might not have known. If you threw yourself at him and then admit it was just the liquor talking– ouch. Furthermore, if you can’t remember to insist on using protection, you shouldn’t be having sex. Period. Asking if he was responsible enough to watch out for you suggests that you might have been with other guys who weren’t so nice, and, like #4, make him worry about where you’ve been. There were a couple of times that I got a little out of control with my boyfriend, and the night was–to put it nicely–a blur. Of course, I didn’t want to let on that I didn’t remember the best sex he thought he’d ever given me, so I bit my tongue on that one.

Even if you are guilty of uttering one or more of the above, it’s not the end of the world. You can still learn from your mistakes and polish your game. Besides, I’d much rather make a verbal faux-pas than a physical one. Like if the answer to #5 is “No, we didn’t use a condom, were we supposed to?”

Anybody else have any Tourettes encounters in the sack?