July is one of my favorite months of the entire year. And not because Maxim finally gets a chance to pimp out articles encouraging men to go to work without pants (just because it’s balmy out), and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley can prance around desolate beaches wearing studded jean shorts that would only fit a midget or a Hollister manikin. (Let’s just say I could see some cheekie cheek.)

Just in case Maxim readers are ever bored at work, we learned how to shove a water bottle in an office chair so your co-worker will have the instant sensation of peeing themselves upon sitting down. Whatever, whoever is gone long enough to allow a co-worker to do something so atrocious deserves to think they peed their pants. And needs to stop eating Bangin’ Burritos from the gas station and stay sitting at their desk for a while.

In Maxim’s newest favorite article ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ they interviewed the new prospect office contender. Lucky for all the horny toads in any man-child’s dream office – upcoming office assistant, Carissa, shares she thinks it’s sexy to pick up orders and move boxes in nothing but a jacket and sexy lingerie.  Looks like I’m never going to make the cut for sexy assistant. Since the last time I moved a box in a trench coat and frilly undies from Charlotte Russe was in a vivid nightmare. Read More »

It’s the end of the world as we know it. First Washington D.C. gets the most snow they’ve seen in 90 years and then an earthquake hits Illinois?! WTF is going on? Is Mother Nature mad that she doesn’t have a Valentine?

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start living every day like it’s my last. Because the way things are going, it just might be. I’m going to toss my diet out the window, party my little pants off and tell that boy in my History class that he looks fiiiine in those jeans. But first I’m going to ponder this little doozy:

Would you rather have a clueless Valentine who takes you to a restaurant where they only serve things like fried crickets and bull’s testicles OR have a date who thinks it’s hilarious that he almost drunkenly had sex with his sister? Read More »

Lots of action movies suck. Sure, some of them are worth their $20 million plus budgets, but most are products of testosterone, half-baked skills, and a complete miscalculation of how stupid the movie-going audience is.

So yes, lots of action movies suck, but every once in a while, there comes along a film so sh*tastic that it makes movies like Swordfish seem like Citizen freaking Kane. The Day After Tomorrow is one of those sh*tastic sh*t fests. In fact, I think The Day After Tomorrow is probably the worst movie that has been made in the last 6 years (and yes, I’m lumping in SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2). Need proof? Here’s a list.

5th Reason This Movie Blows: Lame 2 Syllable Or Less Names

Let’s run through a short cast of characters, shall we? Jack Hall, Sam Hall, Lucy Hall, Jason, Frank, J.D, and Brian. I mean, where’s John Johnson? Bob Smith? Usually, I don’t give a flying eff about character names, but when you have people saying each other’s names every.other.second, the exhaustingly uncreativeness starts to eat away at you.

4th Reason This Movie Blows: Nobody Cares About Their Damn Family (Except the Angelic Hall Family Who Are So Angelic They Might Be Decedents Of Jesus)

So, if you’ve never seen this movie I’m about to ruin it for you…not like there’s much to ruin…but basically, thirty minutes into the film the earth flips out for no reason and sh*t gets majorly destroyed and the top half of the U.S is frozen over. There’s a few people taking refuge in the Manhattan Public library (including Sam Hall [Jake Gyllenhaal acting his ass off to make his character interesting], his love interest, some friends, and a few randoms), and when they realize that most of the nation is destroyed…they’re kind of upset and stuff, but that’s about it. Read More »