Thanks to my Jewish mother, I’m the kind of girl that is always prepared for everything. People are constantly making fun of me and my 30lb purses, but that’s what happens when you carry around anything you could possibly need in a day: bleach pen, gum, band-aids, tampons, candy (lots and lots of candy), hand cream, multiple lip balms, hair care products, multiple cans of Diet Coke, etc.

I really thought I covered all my bases until I ended up in a situation to which I had no fix: a guy who couldn’t get it up.

At first I was distressed that I had done something wrong. Were my legs too hairy? My tan lines unattractive? Did he prefer girls with more than a landing strip?

After I got over that (“Uh, hello, the guy last week didn’t seem to have any issues!”), I still couldn’t shake the disappointment in myself. That was the first time in a long time that I was unable to reach into my Mary Poppins bag and pull out a cure. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to carry a penis pump in a Marc Jacobs bag (what would Marc think of me?!), but at the same time, there has to be something I can do to prevent further unfortunate occurrences.

And, by golly, I found it.

Introducing: Sexlets. Gum that freshens your man’s beer breath while also sending some serious blood flow to his little friend downstairs. This gum promises pearly whites…and longer sexcapades. Can Trident do that?

I don’t think so.

And, unlike Viagra/Cialis, which you’d have to crush up and dump into your boy toy’s cocktail (tee hee) to keep from offending him, you can just offer the boy a nice stick of gum. He’ll think you’re being nice…and he’ll have no idea just how nice you really are.

I wonder if they sell this stuff at Costco. I’ve got some room in my vajay bag and I know just what I want to fill it.

So you’re on your way to Sexy Town with your boy. There is heavy petting, clothes are flying around the room and you’re reeling to go when – oh no – he can’t…do it. He keeps trying to get things working, but it’s too late. The moment (and erection) is lost.

He’s embarrassed and, if you’re anything like me, you’re confused. Is it something you did? Something you said? The way you look? WTF?

Why does this happen? And how often? Is it him or you? More importantly, is it permanent?! There are so many questions and only one person who can answer them: the boy. But it’s not like you’re going to turn to him after his moment of defeat and ask, “What’s the deal with Mr. Limpy?” So, I got the next best thing: my favorite dude.

But no really, for the sake of everyone’s imagination, please stop trying.

Does Holly keep bowls of Viagra throughout the Playboy Mansion trying to convince Hef that they’re M & Ms? Doesn’t Hef fall asleep after three thrusts? He’s 82. I’m sure he’s young at heart, but come on. I’d imagine that any sperm that he’s got left is bent or way too exhausted to swim very far.

And as for the title of that US mag article, I highly doubt that Hef has babies on the brain. His to-do list consists of robe wearing, a nap, eating, another nap and trying to find his way through his mansion. Trust me, being one of the oldest fathers on the planet is not on there.

Also, the man is still legally married to his estranged wife, Kimberley Conrad; I just need to throw that out there. I mean, what’s Holly’s motivation? She says that she loves him; the way that she comes off on the show lines up with what she says. But does she want to have his baby…or just see dollar signs?

Hef is 82.

…I’m just saying.

According to ABC News, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which sounds very clinical but for the most part I’m pretty sure refers to a lowered sex drive caused by life (hormones, supplements, exhaustion), affects about one-third of American women. That’s a lot of headaches.

Deciding that it just isn’t fair women still get the short end of the stick (ha ha) when it comes to sexual desire later on in life, scientists have been busy developing a Viagra-like product called LibiGel. Although it’s still in the testing stage, LibiGel had a reportedly “283 percent increase of satisfying sexual encounters for the women taking the drug” in trials at 17 different institutions.

The gel comes in a pump bottle, and a small amount is rubbed into the skin of a woman’s upper arm. Over a period of 24 hours, “the gel’s testosterone seeps into her bloodstream, boosting her energy and libido.”

It’s not clear if LibiGel makes a gal want to go all night long, or only for a few hours after it’s seeped into her bloodstream, but either way, as long as the ads on TV are less stupid than those Viagra-Guy-Throws-A-Football-Through-a-Tire-Swing, I don’t think LibiGel will have much of a problem finding an audience.

Finding a man to try it out on, well, that’s a different story.

But, now, a certain health or energy drink called Boost Plus gave one man an uncontrollable erection, ending up with him being hospitalized. HA. That really must be an inconvenience at work to have a huge boner.

I know I may sound insensitive, but come on, it’s a little bit funny…right? Anyways, this was not merely an annoyance for this poor man, but resulted in having surgery to calm down his over-excited self.

Yahoo News reports that he went to bed after drinking Boost Plus and woke up “with an erection that would not subside.” He then sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.Because his situation was so bad, surgery was needed in order to implant a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

Man, talk about negative side effects. I wonder what it would do to a girl?