Is being friends with your ex even possible? I mean, you’ve seen each other naked many, many times. You’ve opened up to each other about some weird stuff. And you once didn’t know how you could live without him. I’m still pretty much trying to figure out the real answer to that question, but I’d like to think that, yeah, sometimes you can be friends with your ex.

But let me be clear: being friends with your ex is usually really hard and can only be done in certain circumstances. I’ve watched couples try the friend thing, only to end up in this weird hooking up relationship that made both people miserable. Or one of them couldn’t handle it and the jealousy and hurt feelings destroyed any kind of friendship they could ever have. But I’ve also watched couples who totally rock at being friends after they break up – and I’ve even done it myself. So here are some tips on how you can be friends with your ex. Because, let’s face it, they were a big part of your life for a reason – it isn’t always necessary to completely push them away.

1. Honestly consider whether or not it’s worth being friends with the guy. Because let’s face it, it’s not going to be that easy. For example, if you guys dated for a few months and things ended really horribly, but you just can’t get over him, this is not a reason to be friends. Being friends doesn’t mean it’s going to lead to you guys getting back together. I’ve seen so many girls, and been one of those girls, who have agreed to be friends with an ex just because we’re kind of hoping they’ll change their minds and go back to dating us. If that’s why you want to be friends, or if you think that’s why he wants to be friends, run away, fast.

2. Give yourselves a little time. You can’t try the friend thing immediately after breaking up — it just won’t work. The feelings are too fresh and neither of you are going to be able to handle it. You need to give each other a little bit of space. No matter how hard it is, don’t talk for a few weeks. Get over each other on your own without the booty calls and the unnecessary fighting. Those things just make the situation messy and awkward, and only lead to hurt feelings. You have to be over your romantic feelings for each other before you can try a platonic friendship, or it’s just not going to work.

3. When you do decide to be friendly with each other, you still shouldn’t rush things. I know this person was probably like your best friend while you were going out, so it’s easy to want them around all the time. But don’t quickly jump into talking and hanging out as friends 24/7 — all that’s going to do is make it easier for both of you to fall back into the same pattern you were used to when you were dating. Hang out in groups of mutual friends at first, because if you settle down in your room to watch a movie together, I can guarantee you’re probably not going to watch that movie.

4. It’s probably not the best idea to over-share. Start out by calling him once in a while to chat about random things and avoid any topic that might make either of you emotional — like, it’s not a good idea to let him know about your crazy drunk hook-up, just to prove that you don’t have feelings for him anymore. If you guys feel comfortable talking about other boyfriends/girlfriends/hook-up buddies, then go for it. But if not, just avoid the topic a little bit.

5. Don’t discuss your old relationship. Now that you guys are buddies, it might seem like the perfect time to bring up the reason you broke up and analyze it. Um, don’t. It’s only going to bring up crappy feelings and probably lead to a fight. The breakup happened and it’s done, and you two have both moved on, so there’s really no reason to continue to try to prove your point.

Just remember, being friends with an ex-boyfriend can be kind of hard. Your relationship probably won’t ever be the same as it once was, and it can be weird to adjust to that. But sometimes you guys can end up having a totally amazing friendship, and it’s so worth it.

Have you gone from ex-ship to friendship? Tell us below!

So as you know (if you’ve read my past few columns) I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. And by breakup I don’t mean the whole, back-and-forth linger type-of-thing. I mean, cold turkey, cut him out! A friend recommended I take the “30-Day Challenge,” where you don’t see, speak or creep (shocking, I know) on the kid AT ALL for 30 days. I accepted the challenge and am pleased to say that after 30 days I feel like a new person. I feel more myself than ever in the past year, bettered by the failed relationship and am genuinely happy again. So please, I’ll be accepting virtual high-fives for completing that one!

The point is, a breakup is hard for both parties involved no matter the circumstances. And though I had my low moments, I still wanted to jump right back into the dating scene. Why? Because I’m young and there are hot guys everywhere at my university! Because I like to meet new people! Because not all guys are going to hurt me and I’m ready to meet someone worthwhile. And finally, because sometimes a drunken make-out is simply the best way to get over that douchebag! (Even if just for the three minutes while Weezy plays in the background).

So take it from a girl living through the dating scene after a breakup. It hasn’t been that long, but I’ve definitely learned some valid things. Even if you’re not fresh from a breakup, these tips can still help you out, too!

1. Shots and Ke$ha: Let’s be real here, after you have to tell someone you once loved goodbye, sometimes you just need a damn drink. Or two…or seven. No shame with this one! Alcohol sure does boost your self-esteem and when you throw in some crappy Ke$ha jams and a few friends on a dark dance floor, the night is all yours. So how will this help with your dating dilemma? Yeah, it’s probably not the best way to score a top-notch guy, but a good grind and sloppy make-out sesh never hurt anyone, right? Think of it this way; you’re just having some fun before the real guy comes along. And who wants to be at a coffee shop at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night waiting for that tall, handsome guy holding the latest Chuck Palahniuk novel to walk in, anyway? I know I’d rather be drunk and doing the stanky leg, that’s for sure!
2. Use your connections: Once you’ve gotten your “three-for-three” weekend out of the way (that means going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in the same weekend), it’s time to actually meet a decent guy. The easiest way is to ask the people around you! My friends and family know my character best and wouldn’t set me up with an asshole, so they’re the first people I turn to when wanting to get back into the dating scene. Two of the guys I’ve been seeing since the breakup were both introduced to me by friends and family, and both are pretty amazing so far!
3. Be bold: Ladies, it’s 2011, not the 1950s. It’s now socially acceptable to ask a guy to coffee or even a study sesh if you’re not ready to totally put yourself out there. If he says no or that he’s busy and doesn’t make further plans, let it go! In my past experiences, if you show you’re interested and he doesn’t respond immediately how you’d hoped, give him some time and he’ll come around. However, being bold doesn’t mean being a stage-17 clinger. Refrain from asking him out multiple times even if you really like the guy. If he wants to see you, he will.
4. Don’t settle: I know we’ve heard this our whole lives, but there’s something about when your mom sits you down and tells you, “Secret Girl, don’t settle, you’re better than that,” and suddenly it just clicks. I’ve already learned that if I start dating one guy and no other prospects are on the horizon, I’d rather not waste my time on an idiot just to say I’m dating someone.

Case in point: One of the guys I recently stopped seeing came over and watched a movie at my apartment. I have a charcoal sketch of a naked woman hanging on a wall in my room, and when the guy walked in he said, “BOOOOOOOOBS!” Um, yeah, get out. No seriously, get out right now. It’s called art, not giant tits plastered all over my wall.

• Look for douchelord tendencies: If I were to meet the “me” from a year ago, I’d shake her and say, “Run the other direction!” But had I not dated the kid, I wouldn’t be able to spot asshole tendencies from a mile away, as I can today. No really, it’s a talent. Here are some d-bag-isms learned from past relationships, club-hopping and other’s experiences.

• His friends are assholes (it’s a dead giveaway, friends say a lot about a person).
• He lives off of his parents and flaunts their money as if it’s his own hard earned cash.
• He cusses too much and wants to talk about vaginas at dinner. (Over a mediocre dinner– Me: “So how was your day, babe?” Dumbass: “What do you think lesbians do to each other during sex?”) WTF.
• He’s wearing a pastel polo…collar popped.
• He knows every word to that Apple Bottom Jeans song.
• He’s wearing thick-stitched True Religion denim.
• He wants to buy you a drink but won’t let you come to the bar with him (*cough* Rufilin *cough*).
• He makes you feel bad about yourself. (Get out quick!)

The bottom line? Be confident in who you are, know what you want and go for something if it comes your way! What do you have to lose? Your dignity, pride? Eh, maybe. But hey, there’s plenty more guys out there! And who knows, true love might be just around the corner if you’re open to it.

Curious to see how our resident He Said gets over a break up? Wait, do I even want to know?? Brace yourself and click through to COEDMagazine to…uh…enlighten yourself.

Last week, my male friend over at COED Magazine shared his thoughts on how we ladies handle life after a break up. And let me just say, I haven’t LOLed that hard since the first time I watched this. (OMG. Just watched it again. HILARIOUS.)

It’s just so amusing to think about how little guys know about us (Note: I’m sure it was just as ROTFL-worthy for Paul when he read my thoughts on guys after a break-up); how they think we just bounce right back, better than ever, immediately following “the talk.” I mean, that’s not a bad thing. Their assumptions are way less disturbing (and pathetic) than the reality for most of us.

A reality which I’m about to lay out, in all it’s honest glory.

So let’s break down some walls and let it all hang out:

He Says: They’ll do better without us.
Reality: Yes, we probably will. Once we don’t have to waste our time getting in text fights or taking care of your drunk ass, our lives will finally have some meaning again. We’ll return to the gym. We’ll look hotter than ever. We’ll get our swagger back and hit the town….hard.

….Eventually.

First, of course, we’ll focus on all the happy happy fun times we won’t have anymore. The amazing kisses. The snuggle sessions. The cute way you furrowed your eyebrows when you were working on an Econ problem. How cute you looked in those Nike classics. How romantic you were….that one time when we first started dating, even though you haven’t done jack-sh*t since then. We’ll rely on our friends to remind us hourly (and every 4 minutes when we’re drunk) how awful and selfish and annoying you were.

He Says: We’ll Sleep with THAT guy.
Reality:  Yeah, there’s a chance that in a fit of deep depression we’ll finally give in to the sexual tension and get with someone who’s been around for awhile. More likely though, after our friends throw us in the shower, stab us in the eye applying some eyeliner, squeeze us into a pair of skinny jeans (that got a lot tighter thanks to the post-break up chocolate binges) and force us to go out to the bar (“SINGLE GIRLS, WHAT?!”), we’ll get really drunk and make out with a boy in the corner just to prove that we’ve still got it.

And while it  might be fun and exciting in the moment, we’ll cry about it – a lot – the next day.

He Says: They’ll go “Girls Gone Wild”.
Reality: Yeah, if Girls Gone Wild now means Girls Gone on a Downward Spiral in Sweatpants and No Makeup With a Package of Cookie Dough in Their Bed While Crying Through a Re-Run of Gossip Girl.

He Says: They’ll tell other girls about us.
Reality: You better freaking believe we will. No girl likes to admit to the shame of being a dumpee or the judgment of being the a-hole dumper. So we’re obviously going to have to explain to anyone who asks (or anyone who happens to cross our paths in the weeks following the break-up, be it a friend of a friend or our Psych professor) how lazy you were, how often you couldn’t get it up, how quick you were when you could get it up, how your room smelled like rotting bacon, how often you couldn’t get it up, how you got all Ronnie aggressive when you were drinking and, of course, how often you couldn’t get it up.

He Says: They’ll miss having sex with us.
Reality: For some, maybe. For others, it’s more about the companionship than the sex. The snuggles. The Sunday night TV marathons. The security in knowing we’ll always have someone to grab dinner with, see a movie with, stumble home from a party with. That’s what we’ll miss the most.

If we really want sex, we can just call up “that guy,” right?

The reality is, 99.9% of girls, even if they’re the ones doing the dumping, hit a low in the weeks or months immediately following a break up. They question themselves (“What’s wrong with me?!”), they question love (“Am I ever going to find someone else?”), they question you (“Why did I ever let him buy me that Jager Bomb and take my number?”). But then one day, they wake up out of that greasy/pity food coma and they don’t feel the need to check their phone to see if the ex texted. And the next day, they don’t even think about creepin’ the ex’s Facebook page. And a week after that, they don’t spend 15 extra minutes making themselves look extra hot to make the ex hate himself….just in case they happen to run into him.

Eventually, be it weeks or months down the road, they wake up one day feeling great and realize that they CAN do better than that douche lord…. and they will.

And when that happens, well, eat your heart out, boys. That girl is officially single and ready to get. her. freak on.

Find out what HE THINKS at COEDMagazine.com

We have known each other for more than half of our lives, which means we have witnessed every awkward haircut and change in screen name, and all the different breaks: the skin breakout, the family breakdown, the bitter breakup, the agonizing heartbreak. She was there to get me tissues when I teared up in class after a run-in with my ex-boyfriend in the hallway. I came to her house with pint of Chunky Monkey after she found out her crush was moving to Missouri.

This winter break, we came together in my parents’ kitchen and laughed over how painful those minor heartbreaks felt at the time, and how silly they seem in retrospect. My ex-boyfriend is still wandering the high school hallways, working on graduating, and her crush in Missouri now plays for the other team.

Acting on a playful indulgence, or maybe something deeper, we recalled and wrote down, one by one, each of our boyfriends and sort-of-boyfriends and barely-boyfriends. There was the impulsive artist who said “I love you” and took it back the next day, the emaciated poet who found someone new in less time than it takes for milk to curdle, the detached engineer who introduced me as his “friend,” the gargantuan football player who had a thing for feet. We relied on each other to fill in lacunae of our romantic memory—the men we tried to forget, the boys we had actually forgotten. The historic exercise took us all the way back to our middle school mini-romances, where things got blurry, and our hair was a lot frizzier.

The last boy on my list was Sam, whom I had a crush on in the 3^rd grade because of his budding chivalry: he agreed to trade his pizza school lunch for my lifeless PB&J. The next day, he asked for his pizza back, and I cried and told him I had already eaten it.

We looked over our lists, comparing notes. She reminded me to add the Indian guy who told me kissing his ex-girlfriend was like “kissing my mother.” She crossed out the boy in 8^th grade who would only talk to her on his GuitarBoy555 screen name, because neither of us could remember his real name.

Needless to say, we noticed some alarming similarities. There were so many a**holes, sleazebags, and dunces. And worse, there were so many blinding red lights, where we should have run—so fast and so far that we never looked back. But we didn’t. We stayed, again and again. How could we have been so stupid as to stay? Or more importantly, how could we have let each other?

I admitted to her then that I always thought her last boyfriend was an idiot, and she told me she always thought mine was a loser. But we loved each other too much to say anything. So we said things like, “I’m happy if you are!” It’s the romantic equivalent of trying on a dress and your friend telling you, “I don’t think I could pull that off, but you totally could!”

I know Shakespeare says love is blind, but he never said anything about our best friends. What about their eyes? They can still see. If we had only been upfront with each other, there would have been no pain, no mistakes, no “WTF” relationships that in retrospect feel like a drunken dream, years lost and Friday nights ruined.

But that’s when we realized; we would never get back that time, and we didn’t want to, either. We needed to learn for ourselves, sometimes more than once. We need to make our own mistakes. “Duh” from a best friend won’t cut it, because the things we wished we had known, we somehow manage to forget again. My best friend knows me better than anyone else, but she doesn’t know me better than I know myself. In the end, it’s my heart, not hers, that’s on the line. I will always value her opinion, but I could never break up with a guy just because she told me to. She would never tell me, either, because it’s up for me to decide.

When we are in bad relationships, we think that we see things no one else can, that no one understands a relationship except the two people in it, that we are the ultimate exception. I remember when a boyfriend from high school and I decided to stay together our freshman year of college, even though our schools were five hours apart. A friend of his mother’s told us, as he poured congratulatory wine into our glasses, “just give it til’ Thanksgiving.” We were outraged. We were different. We could do it. And, in fact, we did make it past Thanksgiving, but not by much. But still, we needed to try it first.

That is where our true friends come in – not to tell us “I told you so” when we lose the race, or make us give up completely – but to be there at the side line, no matter what, with water (or a tub of ice-cream) in hand.

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing.  Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:

Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out.  We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.

Which brings me to now.  We just broke up and it has been so hard.  It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more.  Something along those lines.  He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs.  Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me?  He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.

Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship.  He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time.  It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen.  It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do.  He said he wants to stay friends.  Should I bother?  Should I  not text him?  The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing.  Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.

The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time.  Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing?  Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him.  Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?

I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.

Sincerely,
I Thought Love Conquered All?

Dear I Thought Love Conquered All?,

You thought wrong.

Not everything works out, kiddo. Guess what, kids? MOST RELATIONSHIPS END.

Look, I’m sorry you’re devastated and all, but the bit about your birthday present kind of threw me. You wouldn’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to your birthday?! THAT would be the reason not to take the love of your life back?!

Well, so. I don’t think this is really worth pursuing. If the proximity to your birthday is really a big enough reason for concern, I’d say this was just not meant to be.

Frankly, Love, you seem a bit immature. This is not a criticism, okay? It’s just an observation. But, I mean, you’re not immature for your AGE. You’re perfectly fine for the end of college. You’re just a bit immature to have such a serious LDR.

It’s hard to break up, you know? It really is. You’re sad. You don’t know what’s next. Maybe you miss him. (Maybe you don’t.) Basically, you’re starting over without a major ally, and that’s scary and hard. Happily, this is easier with LDRs than with SDRs (short distance, suckas). Out of sight, out of mind. Okay, not quite. But at least not running-into-him-at-Starbucks, in mind. Yes?

Stop texting him. Stop torturing him–and yourself. There’s no point. It’s not working right now. If you want to make some grand gesture in the future, you could figure out a way to move closer to him. But PLEASE don’t do this until you’ve waited at LEAST 6 months. After six months, if you are still DESPERATELY missing him (not kind of missing him, not just kind of lonely, but REALLLLLY desperately missing him), then I’d say call him up and make the gesture. But until then, forget about it. The timing ain’t right. The breakup is done. Let things take their course.

My advice to you: Move on. Don’t be petty and try to make him miss you. Don’t drag this thing on any longer. Go out and meet some guys you can actually see on a day-to-day basis. Get to know them. Find a few to date. End up with one who’s actually good for you. Who will make the time to be with you. Who isn’t already planning on breaking up with you down the road.

And, please. If you can’t forgive someone because of the DATE on which they dumped you (or something equally unimportant), it’s probs not made to last. Like, at all.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Why is that women stay with their abusers? A little less than two years ago, I certainly couldn’t have told you the answer to that question. Now I can. And that’s because I did.

I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship with Chris started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. It could have been when he started controlling who I could hang out with. It could have even been the very first time he called me a “stupid slut.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur full of screaming, name calling, and suicidal threats, not to mention one very unhealthy pattern of fighting and making up.

With each fight, the emotional abuse became worse and worse. With each honeymoon period that followed, he’d tell me things would be different this time around and I would always believe him because I thought that our love could conquer anything. Eventually, I became convinced that I was just lucky to stand in his presence. I did anything that I possibly could to prove to him that I was worthy of his love. I gave him every single penny of the mere $100 biweekly paycheck that I earned at my student job. I stopped talking to people he didn’t want me to talk to. I ditched classes to drive an hour so I could bring him lunch at work, just to turn around and drive straight back home to school. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. I was always too fat, too loud, too needy, too slutty, too something.

I guess the reason that I’m thinking about all of this is because I’ve recently been pressured by my current boyfriend to take out a restraining order so that Chris will stop sending me harassing text messages. This would involve me going down to the Alamance County court house to file for it, giving a copy to the Forsyth County Sheriff’s Office to serve to him, digging up phone records of said messages, and then presenting my evidence against him in a civil hearing in which he will be in attendance.

And I guess maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship. Bu to me, Chris still seems 50 feet tall and I still feel like I’m 6 inches. It’s not that I admire him; it’s just that I’ve been so accustomed to thinking of the two of us in this metaphor for almost two years. It’s the equivalent of conquering a giant to me. It’s overwhelming and seems impossible and I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.

I’ve made a lot of progress since I left Chris once and for all in early September of 2010, and I’ll continue to do so. I’m just not ready to stand up and face this particular demon yet. I don’t know if I’m wrong to ask my boyfriend to stop putting pressure on me to file the court order. I don’t know how to explain where I’m coming from in this situation. I feel like unless you’ve been abused like this, you can never really understand the long-term implications and effects of it. The only thing I do know is that I’m not ready to face Chris in a courtroom. I’m not even ready to look at him or hear his voice. Just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean I’m back to the person that I used to be yet.

So why do women stay with their abusers? I can’t really speak for all victims of domestic abuse, but I know why I did for over a year. I did it because I didn’t think I was strong enough to leave. For me, it wasn’t that I’d never considered leaving; I said to other people numerous times that I knew the relationship had become unhealthy. I knew that if I didn’t get out of it, the relationship would continue to consume me until the only thing left was a thin emotional skeleton of what I used to be. I stayed because Chris had convinced me that I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. It took me months to finally leave after that. Despite me knowing I needed to do it and despite my best friends telling me that I had to do it, it was something I had to do on my own time. I think that might be the case here again. I have to wait until I feel strong enough to face him again, because until then I won’t win any kind of battle against him, in court or otherwise.

[A big thanks to reader Lauren for her strength in sharing her story.]

If you know someone in an abusive relationship, you can help.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life

Lesson 10: He wasn’t that great.

I cant tell you how many times my friends have exclaimed to me over cocktail-induced tears that the cant believe they’re not with their ex-boyfriends, because and I quote, “He was so great!”

Why is that our post relationship-blinders have gotten us confused as we choose to see only the good in past relationships that we hope will one day become revived relationships?

Newsflash girls, he wasn’t that great.

I’m all for healing and sticking by your single sisters (it is a rule, after all!) as they take on the grueling task of being heartbroken, but that doesn’t mean we should put our exes on a pedestal. Why? Because they’re our exes!

There are plenty more great guys out there. While it may not seem like it at times when we’re surrounded by socially inept ones who can’t get their heads out of Penthouse long enough to notice that your coy arm-grazing is intentional, this is not reason enough to make yourself believe your ex is a better guy than he was.

There’s a difference between an ex who was a genuinely great guy and an ex who you made sound like a genuinely great guy. For example, when you find yourself feeling especially lonely one night and you start to recall the times you spooned with your ex all night but you also choose to blatantly ignore everything that happened up until the spooning – like the fact that he drank so many Four Lokos he passed out in the lobby of his apartment and you had to enlist his almost-equally drunk friends to carry him up to his bed. If you’re ex was a genuinely flawless golden boy, then by all means shout it to the world; I’ll even join you! But if he wasn’t, don’t give him more credit than he deserves.

As singles there’s always the chance that we could fall victim to the heightened selective memory brought on by the sometimes-lonely single life.

I know a lot of friends who’ve advised me to “only remember the good stuff” so as not to harbor ill will and therefore release bad and negative karma into the universe. There are two reasons I will never take this advice – 1. I don’t believe in karma and 2. Even if I did, if I didn’t remember the bad stuff, I’d keep going back to someone who is clearly not good for me!

Whether you believe in karma or not, there’s no reason to ignore the obvious faults in your past relationships. Sometimes the problems are yours and sometimes they’re not. It’s beneficial for you to remember those flaws because those are the learned lessons that will carry and save you in the relationships to come.

The more you hype up your ex, the more you’re going to bring yourself down. Each time you hear yourself saying, “But he was so great,” you’re just undermining who you are without him. You begin to put half-truths about him over the things that actually are true about you.

It’s more than just trusting your instincts; it’s learning to balance the good qualities of your ex with the bad ones. No need to create an “I Hate My Ex” Facebook page, but at the same time, no need to convince yourself that your ex was the perfect guy just because there are no other guys on your speed dial right now.

Plus, if you spend all your time building up someone you’re not even dating, how do you expect any other guy to look your way without thinking that you’re taken or hung up on someone else?

So let your ex go, whether he was the greatest guy in the world or the worst, he’s not yours anymore and he doesn’t deserve anymore of your time, much less your compliments.

Got it? Now get the first 9 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

This week, I’m in nostalgia/angry mode. Angry because my Dbag of an ex-boyfriend has decided to try to start calling me again (barf). Nostalgic because when I’m trying to blow off steam, I tend to go into organization mode and this time around, my music collection got my attention. While re-labeling my iTunes collection I came across an old favorite album of mine: AFI’s ‘The Art of Drowning.’ It immediately took me back to my punk rocker days in middle school. The days I would trick myself out in Hot Topic clothes from head to toe before my town even got one. Embarrassing, yes. But while my fashion sense wasn’t top notch, I did have good taste in music as a 12-year-old.

About the Band:
AFI, or A Fire Inside, started back in 1991 in California and currently consists of Davey Havok, Adam Carson, Hunter Burgan, and Jade Puget. They formed when the members were all in high school, but they disbanded when they went off to separate colleges. After reuniting for a live performance, they all decided to drop out of college to make AFI a full time thing.

Top 3 Tracks:

The Lost Souls

The Days of the Phoenix

Morningstar

Why You Should Listen To It:
This album is great for those days where you’re just pissed off and in a bad mood; when you just want to listen to something with screaming and good guitar riffs. It’s rough and loud and the best way to get yourself out of a funk, express some emotion, or even motivate you when you need a few hours to clean the disaster you call a room. It’s the kind of music that makes you feel better after you listen to it, like whatever you were dealing with is somehow OK now. So if that’s what you need, and we all have days when that’s exactly what we need, AFI’s ‘The Art of Drowning’ is the perfect prescription.

Want more awesome iPod suggestions? You got it!

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come and gone (pun intended) and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

So if you’re sick of sitting at a table for one, eating a meal portioned for two, I cordially invite you to join The Single Girl Society, where being single is more than status, it’s a lifestyle. Of course, with everything in life, the single girl lifestyle comes with rules and I’ve picked up quite a few along the way. So kick back, grab a drink and let the lessons I’ve learned serve as your very own roadmap to transitioning to and enduring the single life

So it’s been a month and half since you’re best friend got dumped (in the douchiest way possible) and she’s still going on and on about how she’s “totally over it even though his new girl looks like a little too much like Shaun White” and you’re not sure how much longer you can stand to hear her relationship woes. We’ve all been there, thinking to ourselves, “Well if you’re so over it, why are we still talking about it?”

The answer is simple. She’s not over it. But you sure as hell are. So what’s a girl to do when her wingwoman’s stuck in a rut?

Lesson 9: Stand By Your Single Sisters

Look, I know it’s cheesy but as single ladies, we’re only as good as the girls we surround ourselves with and when one of us is down, we’re all down.

Of course it gets frustrating sometimes, watching your formally single and fabulous bestie go from taking names (and numbers) and kicking ass to sullen and sunken into a sofa watching “The Notebook” and screaming at Rachel McAdams to “get a job and forget men already!” (True story.)

Sometimes the single life knocks us down and out but as single soldiers, it’s our job to stand by our friends and support them, even if that means having the hear Taylor Swift ballads pump through your apartment on repeat. The post-breakup version of your girlfriend needs you now more than ever because you love her even if her ex didn’t. Right now it’s her in tears but someday it will be you (if it hasn’t happened already).

Maybe the “sad and single” act is starting to get old and you’re itching to have those carefree nights out on town with your best friend – the one who made you laugh so hard you shot tequila out of your nose, not this possessed version who secretly makes you want to slit your wrists – but give it time. Eventually all of your post-breakup spa days and girls’ nights are going to pay off.

The only thing you can do is be there for your girls when they need you. And if you think her wailing “My Heart Will Go On” is a little over the top, then no offense, but get over yourself.

If you’re unsure of whether or not your girlfriend is truly appreciative of the time you put in to help her heal, then just wait til you’re in her shoes (because it’s bound to happen when you’re living the single life) and when she’s there agreeing with you that your ex “never appreciated you anyways,” you’ll know her moping wasn’t in vain.

The single life can be a rough and bumpy road and maybe right now it’s got one of your girlfriends on the bench but who knows – you could be next and it could be worse than what you’re currently going through with your friend. And when that day comes, I promise you, you’re going to want her by your side.

Take the time to tell a girlfriend how much you love or appreciate her today and don’t ever let your own exasperation get in the way of being there for a friend when she needs you the most.

My girlfriends are single, fabulous and most importantly, supportive. Yes, we cry and we break down and we curse the world and all the men in it. But we also dance nights away as they melt into mornings, laugh hysterically over all our dating fails and we lean on each other for everything – the good, the bad, and the heartbroken.

Being single is great but it’s far more fun to be single when you’ve got your sisters surrounding you. Whether they’re on top of the world or feeling a little burned by it, at least they’re by your side and that’s more than the guys you’ll cry over can say.

Get the first 8 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

Ahhhhh

Instead of sitting there overanalyzing every single detail of the date and what could have gone wrong (like we all do), I’ll make it simple for you. Here are the mistakes everyone makes on their first date and what you can do to avoid them.

1. Not dressing for the occasion. If you’re going to a baseball game, don’t wear stiletto heels. If you’re going out to eat somewhere nicer than McDonald’s, change out of your sweats. It’s as simple as that. And if you’re Lady Gaga, obviously no rules apply to you.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Make sure you know where you’re going on the date. If it’s a surprise, it’s always better to play it safe and wear something casual. Not too sloppy, not too dressy.

2. Talking about exes. Talking about ex-boyfriends isn’t just annoying on dates— it’s annoying all the time. 3 words: Get. Over. It. And if you can’t, maybe you shouldn’t be dating quite yet. If you do decide it’s time to enter the wonderful world of dating, make sure you keep the conversation far away from ex-land. No guy wants to sit and listen to you whine about how his eyebrows aren’t groomed as well as your ex-boyfriend’s.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Think of good conversation-starters before the date. This way, if there’s an awkward silence, you won’t just bring up whatever pops into your head at the moment, which could very easily be the loser ex-boyfriend who had taken you to the same place in the past.

3. Getting drunk. If you know one glass of wine really gets you feeling loopy, don’t drink three. The last thing a guy wants is you climbing up on the table and giving the whole restaurant a show. Save that for the second date.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Know your limits. Maybe avoid alcohol all together on the first date to make sure you don’t say or do anything you regret. Plus, getting drunk around someone you just met probably isn’t a good idea anyways. You never know about people these days! Craigslist killer, anyone? Thank you Lifetime for officially creeping me out.

4. Being easy. Referring back to the last mistake, don’t give it all up in one night.  Drinking alcohol is no excuse. If you really want things to go somewhere with this guy and want him to get to get to know you as a person and have some respect for you, don’t flaunt your goodies at him just yet. Sure, give him a peek— but just from across the table.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Give him a steamy goodnight kiss but leave it at that. If he really likes you, he’ll be back for more!

5. Not shutting up. Conversations on dates are always great. Conversations where the only person that’s talking is you— not so great. Make sure you’re letting the poor guy get a word in every once in awhile. Ask him some questions and find out his interests. How do you know if you have anything in common if you don’t give him the chance to tell you about himself? For all you know, you’re on a date with a total creep. Once he starts talking and tells you about his fifty pet rats and how he still lives with him Mom, you’ll be glad you shut up a little.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Compliment him on something. If you like his shirt, tell him. It’ll start up a conversation, and hmm, maybe even a shopping date!

6. Being overly flirtatious. Give him a challenge!  Don’t wink every five seconds, grab his butt, or try pulling any of the Lady and the Tramp noodle-slurping mumbo jumbo.  It might freak him out. Okay, it will freak him out.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Give him a sexy smile every once in a while instead. No guy can resist that.

7. Laughing at absolutely everything. C’mon, no one is THAT funny. He may tell a good joke every now and then, but if you’re laughing at every single thing he says he’s probably going to get a little annoyed. If you’re on a date with Andy Samberg, then that’s a different story.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Make HIM laugh! You’ve got jokes, too.

8. Having bad manners. When you’re out to eat there are some crucial things you should keep in mind. Don’t eat food with your hands unless it’s meant to be eaten with your hands. Use a napkin. Don’t spit food into the napkin. Don’t start a burping contest. And definitely keep your mouth closed when you’re chewing. It’s also a good idea to avoid extreme profanity on your first date. If you’re one of those girls that swears at least three times per sentence, try to cool it a bit. Oh, and remember to say “thank you.”

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Go have a talk with Mom before the date. Remember all those times she told you to get your elbows off the table? She knew what she was talkin’ about!

9. Texting. This is also part of having bad manners, but it needs a section just for itself.  Texting on a date = major no-no. There is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a great night out when the person you’re with can’t manage to set their phone down for five seconds. It’s awkward and makes the person feel like their date doesn’t even want to be there. Your girlfriends can wait until after the date to find out how big of a hottie he was.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Leave your phone in your purse on silent or vibrate.  If your Justin Bieber ring tone is going off every couple of minutes, there’s really no point in having it put away in the first place.

Keep these nine things in mind and your next first date will surely turn into a second. What dating mistakes have you made? And what have your dates done to drive you absolutely bonkers? Let us know!