As girls, there’s one itty bitty thing that got screwed up in our chromosomes.  Any time we see a slightly attractive male we automatically throw ourselves in their direction like a piece of freakin’ meat.  We instantly get big, googly eyes, say things that we should be keeping to ourselves, and completely freak the eff out our potential soul mate.

It’s hard to remember that guys, unlike us, aren’t very complicated specimens. They typically have one thing running through their minds when they meet us (hint: it starts with an “s” and ends in “ex”), while we already have the wedding and future children’s names picked out by the time introductions are over.

We’re hopeless.  Hopeless romantics, that is.  We want a love like “The Notebook,” but it usually ends up looking more like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…without the happily ever after.

Let’s not let Matthew McConaughey’s beautifully sculpted abs get away from us this time.  No, don’t tie your man down and lock him in your closet (unless he’s into that sort of thing).  All you have to do is avoid scaring him away. Easy, right?

Here are four things you should avoid if you want your happily ever after.

The Inevitable “Too Much, Too Soon” Question of Doom. “Where do you see us going?” I just messed up on this one too so don’t feel like you’re the only one. Everything may be “X’s and O’s” before you pop the question but it’s all down-hill from there.  For some reason, guys don’t like the “C” word.  No, not that.  They love that. We’re talking about commitment here, people.  Even thinking about the word will send him sprinting for the door.  Live in the moment and enjoy being together.  You’ll eventually get to change your relationship status on Facebook, but until then, keep your mouth shut.

You’re Clingier Than Saran Wrap. You need to stop the urge to be with your boy 24/7.  If you’re constantly texting him “I miss you” anytime you’re away from him or stalking him from outside his bushes at night, you’ve gone too far.  You have to actually give him a chance to miss you.  If you don’t, he’s going to feel like he’s trapped. They will come back if you keep your distance— I promise.

Me, Me, Me. Yes, you’re pretty great, and obviously he already knows that if he’s on a date with you. That means you don’t need to tell him about all those cross country trophies you’ve got, a detailed run down of the drama in your family, or one-up everything he says with something fantastic about you. Try asking him a few questions.  Guys love talking about themselves and knowing that a girl is interested in knowing about them. There will be a time to tell him everything about you but that time doesn’t need to be now. At the bar. When you’ve just met him ten minutes ago.

Facebook Stalker. The biggest mistake of all time can be avoided by simply limiting the amount of time you spend creeping on Facebook.  Do not make a picture of you two lovebirds your profile picture before he does.  Do not wall rape him (a.k.a. fill up his whole entire wall with embarrassing posts), and don’t change your status to anything with his name in it before you’re sure things are official.  Especially do not, I repeat DO NOT, add any of his ex-girlfriends. That’s just creepy with a capital “CREEP.”

These points are the big no-no’s that can make or break a relationship.  You’re probably reading them thinking “I would never do anything like that!”…but just wait, you will.  All I ask of you is to make sure you have your man wrapped around your finger before you set your inner-freak free.  Then, and only then, will he love you for it.

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]

Have you ever met someone and wished you had a crystal ball to see into the future? Would there be a date?  Would he like your friends?   Would your parents like him?  Could a relationship form?  Does he have the potential to be “the one”?

“Love is blind” is a quote I believe in whole-heartedly, but in a little different way than most.  I find most people blindly look for love hoping to “bump” into the right person.  They look for the connection and attraction.  That’s all fine and good, but it’s not the stuff healthy relationships are made of.

It is great if you have chemistry and both of you like Lost, but if you aren’t aware of the all the other important stuff – core values, communication, deal breakers – you are probably going to wake up one day and realize you wasted your time.

I am not the dating fairy who can sprinkle magic dust and show you five, ten, or 15 years down the line.  But, by keeping your eyes open, you’d be surprised how much you can really learn about a person without spending the next six months wading around in a questionable relationship.

In fact, with a little know-how, you can learn a lot in the first 30 minutes.
Here are red flags you can watch for when you meet someone to realize if the have real dating potential.

Denny Downer Syndrome – He is a great guy but has been dealt a “bad hand.”  He works so hard at everything yet no one notices or appreciates him.  Life is always so tough.

I am getting depressed just writing this.  We all know at least a few of these people – the constant victims in their own life.  The people that never get a break.  Listen, we all have bad days and bad situations. But, the guy who is truly suffering from the “downer syndrome” is probably making choices that are keeping him unhappy.  Not only will his negativity rub off on you, it is exhausting spending all of YOUR time listening to his problems and telling him it will get better soon.  My guess is if he can’t figure out how to solve these problems, he isn’t going to offer much to a healthy relationship (much less to you, when you have an occasional bad day).

The Overachievers – He loves his life. When he isn’t studying like it is a full-time job, he is working just as hard at his part-time job or part-time business.  He also volunteers with kids in between hanging out with the guys.  It takes him two weeks just to schedule a date.

Many women who are excited about his motivation and full, exciting life miss this red flag.  There is a point that you will need to wave your arms and say, “Excuse me, but where would I fit in?”

It is great that he has so many wonderful things in his life, but with a schedule like that he has unconsciously decided not to make relationships one of them.  Healthy relationships are for real people who have balance in their life.  It is very important that your man has a life, friends, goals and passions. But, if this person doesn’t have time for dating, he isn’t going to have time for you and a real relationship.

Anger Management Needed – This is a classic red flag ignored time and time again.  I have heard women make all the excuses.  He just has a lot of passion or he is particular about the way he likes things.  Make all the excuses you want, but if he is yelling at the bartender that his drink isn’t strong enough, or is rude to coffee shop employees, you can safely peek into what the future might be like.

We have all seen the poor girl who spends half of her existence apologizing for her boyfriend’s rude behavior and unless you want to be that person, run – don’t walk – in the other direction.

Ex Trash Talker – She was absolutely crazy.  She was super clingy.  I had no idea she would back her car into my truck 26 times.  Ok, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that it might even be true, but if he chose to date her for three years – heck, even six months – that was pretty much his choice.  In fact, if his ex was so bad, why did he even start dating her?  As my Grandma always said, it takes two to tango. If he let that person into his life and then stuck around for it, something just ain’t right.

Mr. One-Upper – You volunteer locally.  He did a month long relief effort.  You like R &B.  He is personal friends with Usher. It is great that he has travelled the world, had incredible experiences, and seems well connected. Unfortunately in Mr. One Upper’s eyes, your accomplishments will never be quite as good as his, your dreams not as big and your life not as important. He is never going to let you shine in the relationship and everybody needs to shine.

These are some pretty good rules to follow but, more importantly, if you notice that you keep getting that feeling of disappointment or find yourself feeling a little uncomfortable about some of the things your date is saying, listen to it.  That is your body being your very own dating coach – for free.

Now that you know all about Mr. Wrong, let Kira guide you to Mr. Right. Post your questions for Kira below and she’ll share her expert advice with you next week. And if all else fails, stick around for our Dating Makeover coming this fall.

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Heyya Dude,
My problem is that I’ve had a crush on this guy for about a year (I met him last June). The crush began because not only is he smart and funny but he would constantly say how beautiful I was and be very flirty. He then asked me to go to a concert with him while he was still dating this chick. I didn’t think anything of it because I got to know the girl and assumed he told her. This happened in August. Flash forward to December, he and this girl break up. At a Christmas party he and I eventually talk and I admit I am attracted to him. He then starts saying, verbatim, “I think you’re so beautiful and when I see you it takes everything in me to not grab you and kiss you.” He kisses me, then says “When I was with [girlfriend] I would think of you and when we broke up you were the first person I thought of. I want to be with you, but not now. I know what I’ve done in the past and you mean more to me then to just take you home and f**k. I respect you and adore you too much to waste you now. I want to come back to you.”

I then just nodded, said it’s fine, I understand, etc. I went for vacation till New Years when we ran each other again at a party. Long story short, I see him make out with another girl. A few days later at my birthday at a bar he is flirty again to me and puts his arms around me from behind. He is acting so lovey dovey that a few friends ask me if I’ve been keeping anything from them because it appears that this guy and I are much more. I end up talking to him and telling him he needs to stop because I saw him kiss that girl. He says she doesn’t mean anything and is just fun since he broke up with his ex. Since then he has come up behind me to hug me, kissed my neck, whispered sweet things in my ear, obviously checking me out, etc. I learned a few weeks ago he just started dating a new chick. I was upset because I have kind of been waiting for him (I know this is dumb). At a party 5 days ago we end up talking like friends about his new lady. He tells me she is being very possessive, doesn’t give him that “fluttering feeling,” and he thinks he wants to end things with her. Needless to say I am officially back to waiting.

My question is: As a guy, would you really not want to “waste” a girl if you thought you weren’t in the right dating mind? And do you think he is just keeping me on the backburner? Should I talk to him or just ignore all that he does?

Thanks!
Waiting in Line

Dear Waiting in Line,

I’m giving you an emotional economic stimulus plan. You’ve asked me 3 questions. You shall receive 4 answers. Prepare the way…

Would I keep the right one waiting? Hell no! It’s too risky to leave the right one hanging on for too long; odds are she’ll fall for someone else.  There’s a saying: right girl, wrong time. Yeah, that can happen but usually you would at least try dating her before you discover the timing’s off. This guy has never even given you a chance. If you feel it, you act on it. You couldn’t hold back if you tried. The hope is all consuming. You’ve found the secret to happiness that you’d convinced yourself never existed. I’d never leave that lying in the bargain bin for later. If I care about someone, I’m going to show her.

Is he keeping you on the backburner? To quote the immortal Mr. Big, “abso*uckinglutely.” The only mystery is why. Perhaps he’s pushing you away because he is scared of commitment. Maybe he’s just keeping an option open. Although he could be still hung up on his ex and doesn’t want anything serious. The bottom line is that he’s leading you on. He’s got you following the carrot of “what could be” and you’re walking in circles of rejection.  Two times he’s betrayed you (granted not like, Shakespeare betrayal, but sorta Gossip Girl betrayal). Fool you once, shame on him, fool you twice…? What do you do with such a one-note character?

Do you or don’t you? You can put him under the hot lights chained to a chair or move on to bigger biceps. The former could lead you to answers or more empty promises. The latter cuts your losses and pulls you out of the melancholy quicksand that is waiting for someone else to decide it’s time.

Final Thought: When taking stock of a situation follow the breadcrumbs with the most important rule of drama: Don’t tell, show. What’s actually happened? What’s he done to prove his affection for you? He talks, promises, praises, reassures, and blames the cruel healing process for a broken heart to why he can’t act on what he feels. What’s he done? Hooked up with someone else! He’s screwing SOMEONE ELSE! He’s DATING SOMEONE ELSE! Months have passed. Miles have been traveled. His heart’s had a chance to heal. Even if he’s pushing you away because he’s scared, he’s still pushing, you, away. Why put yourself through an emotional Hell, shut off the possibility of anyone else, and giving up all self-confidence to wait for something he can’t give? You’ve surrendered all control of the situation to this guy who’s left you high and dry. He’s a magician and you’re the sucker he’s sawing in half. You owe it to yourself to leave him on a backburner until he acts on the infatuation he’s claimed to be brimming over with. You deserve more than what he’s given you up to now. You deserve what he’s promised…from someone else.

Showing you the little man behind the curtain,

The Wizard of Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,

So I met this guy at a party one night and we exchanged numbers. A few days later he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet him for some drinks. I met him at the bar and we had a great time. We had so much to talk about, there was never an awkward silence and we ended up staying pretty late. I was going to take the bus home (I go to school in Chicago and the bar was far from my place), but he refused to let me and offered to drive me home, which was in the complete opposite direction of his home. I got really awkward when we pulled up so I sorta just said my goodbye and jumped out of the car. I didn’t want him to think that meant I wasn’t interested so I texted him the next day to thank him and tell him how good of a time I had.

And then…. Nothing.

WTF? It’s fine if he’s not interested (even though that makes no sense based on how well things went) but why would he drive me all the way home if he wasn’t into me? Is it because I didn’t kiss him goodnight?

– First Date Freak

Dear First Date Freak,

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up, no need to shove, for you will all see a spectacle sought the world over – the last of his kind. Bring the kiddies and don’t worry about your wallets. The Dudemaster proudly presents: The last decent human being on Earth! He gives women a ride home, not to get ridden, but because it’s the right thing to do. This man is me.

Gotcha!

YOU DON’T LET HER RIDE THE BUS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I have given several rides home to women I wasn’t the least bit attracted to (not that I’m implying he wasn’t even a little interested). I did it because my momma raised me right. There’s no good excuse to let a gal make an Odyssey through a suburban or urban jungle after an evening of drinking. What if she’s mugged? Assaulted? Abducted by a secret rogue government agency that worships a circular symbol of commitment? He didn’t give you a ride because he was fishing for some lovin’, he did it because he wanted to make sure you were safe.

Is he interested? Maybe, maybe not. Don’t read too much into the ride. The ride is not necessarily an indicator of interest as much as a sign that he’s not a complete scumbag. Ladies, if a guy has a car and doesn’t make the offer to drive you home at the end of the date then erase his existence from your memories. Now, onto the crucial question: is he or is he not interested?

Based on what you told me, the outlook is muddled. You had a great night of conversation. That’s a good start. However, he didn’t get in touch the next day. Well, that could or could not be a bad sign. See, some men are idiots and think the 2 day call rule after a date is a real rule. So they wait a couple days (as opposed to sending a text the next day or calling her toward the middle of the week when he has an idea of what his weekend looks like). He might also have been really swamped running around the entire day and wanted to get in touch when he had some time to actually talk. Maybe he wanted to get his schedule straightened out before scheduling another date. Maybe he’s not interested and has no intention of keeping in touch. Some time has to pass before a definitive answer one way or the other can be determined.

Just relax. You’ve done all you can. Now you have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime appreciate the fact that the man of manners isn’t completely extinct. You had a nice time. You got home safe. You saved money on bus fare. All in all, sounds like you came out ahead.

Don’t drink and drive,

Safety Dude

Got some college questions? Unsure of a decision? Considering spending some time abroad? Just wanna chat it up with some really awesome chics?

Question:
I’m in a pickle. Yes, I just said pickle. I recently drunkenly made out with a boy who lives on my hall. If that’s not bad enough, his ex GF is in, like, all of my classes and saw it happen (it was at a frat party….I know, embarrassing). Now she’s seriously giving me major sh*t for it and even bitched me out in the hallway in front of one of our lectures. I don’t think I owe her an apology (they were BROKEN UP), but I also don’t want any enemies. Especially because final projects are coming up for one of our marketing classes and there’s a chance we might be in a group together. What the eff am I supposed to do!?

GPA Girl:
Yikes! That really is a pickle. It sucks that this girl is making life difficult for you because of something that was embarrassing but not really a bad thing of you to do. I mean, I’m sure you feel bad enough about it already. As hard as it may be (and as much as you shouldn’t have to do it . . .), maybe you should talk to this girl. Write her an e-mail or pull her aside in the cafeteria or something and just say, “Hey. I am really upset because of the way you’ve been treating me around campus, and I just want to ask you to stop, please, because I don’t have anything against you and would like to put this behind us.” If she keeps being totally bogus, I recommend just avoiding her as much as possible. It’ll become pretty clear pretty quick to anyone watching that SHE’s the one with the issue, not you.

Party Girl:

I actually don’t see any issues here. I mean, when you party and have a good time (and making out with a hottie at a frat party sounds like a good time to me), you always run the risk of an awkward encounter in the weeks following. And I don’t think your rando make-out partner’s ex-girlfriend should be a problem either. Just brush it off and move on with your obviously awesome life. Ignore her. She sounds like a stressy pile of bitch. She’s only in one of your classes and it’s only for one semester. Even if she ends up in your group, she’s only one person and the rest of the group won’t let her ruin things for everyone. This will blow over in like a week and before you know it, you and this chick will be throwing back shots at the next frat party and laughing about your boy toy’s bedroom moves.

Busy Bee:
Yes, pickle would be the correct term. I have a feeling that if you tried confronting the girl, she would spread some more nasty rumors about you. Right now, I honestly think the best thing you can do is just ignore her. She isn’t worth your time and, clearly, her mind is messed up from the break up. I don’t know if the guy and his ex is still close, but if you can, try talking to the guy. Tell him what’s going on and that you just want to stay out of it. I seriously think that this is unnecessary drama!

If you two girls get stuck in a group for marketing, just tell the prof you want to switch groups, or avoid being in the same group at all costs. Look, summer is almost here and your best bet is just push through the rest of this semester without her in your life.

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude,
I’m later into college and I met this amazing guy right at the beginning of my freshman year. We both had an instant connection. We were very flirty, but when I found out he had a girlfriend, I toned it down. We still talked, but never really hung out. I later found out that was because his girlfriend at the time was incredibly jealous of other girls. Well, he just recently broke it off with his LONG term girlfriend and we ended up making out soon after and more than once. He’s such a sweet/caring guy and when we’ve been together for the time we made out, we were together for SEVERAL hours at a time, and also had amazing conversation! He says that he’s attracted to me, finds me incredibly fun to talk to (he’s said that he honestly can’t think of someone he can enjoy talking for as long), that he’ really enjoyed spending that time with me and that I’m this amazing kisser that can also, well, turn him on. He’s also a virgin and not looking to have sex until marriage, so I don’t think he’s saying things to get into my pants. (Right?!)

We’re very open with each other and he’s told me point-blank that I’m not a rebound, but he definitely wants to be single for a while, which I totally understand! I think people need to take a break after getting out of a long serious relationship to find themselves.  He calls me his friend and we are, but I don’t know if it will ever progress into something else. I’m not looking to jump right into a relationship, but I don’t just mindlessly makeout with my friends, so I’m not exactly sure where this is going – if it is at all. Is it just that the timing is off or will it progress?  Maybe I should take things chill, show him I’m not the jealous type, and down the road he’ll see that things could possibly work.

I would love to here your opinion and advice!
Thanks so much,
Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound

Dear Don’t Wanna Be a Rebound,

Will you live happily ever after? That is the question du jour. Last week we talked about going back in time and starting over, this week we must gaze into our crystal ball to see the future. The problem is: no one’s dealing with the present!

First of all, bravo to the boy in question for getting rid of his paranoid schizoid ex. A lot of men fall into the traps of possessive women. In my experience it’s a sign of a fully grown backbone and self-confidence to leave a crappy relationship. A lot of people can’t seem to believe there’s someone else out there that would respect and trust her/him enough to have her/his own life. The girlfriend/boyfriend who’s threatened by every member of their gender should be stamped with a Surgeon General’s warning. Having the guts to escape from his cell is a big check in the plus column for your Prince Charming candidate.

I am skeptical of a man that says he’s saving himself for marriage; that’s the cynical agnostic in me. I’ve met a guy or two that have used that line as a form of foreplay toward his conquest. However, to be in a long-term relationship and still claim you’re a virgin seems counterproductive, therefore let us take him at his word (you do realize that virgins take time to ripen into proficient lovers, right?). Still, men saving themselves for marriage seem like masochistic submissives unless it’s some sort of a Lent bet (ala Josh Hartnett in 40 Days and 40 Nights, a movie that could have offered so much more than Vinessa Shaw’s cleavage).  Just my personal opinion, don’t take it for gospel.

Your virgin Marvin (instead of Mary, get it? Get it?…my apologies to the Catholics) is in a vulnerable spot. After being a “we” for a long time one feels the need to reconnect with who “me” is. By allowing him room to breathe you’re upping your market value, however, some other fish could snap him up. In the wise words of Sarah Walker, “don’t freak out!” You’ve got options:

Cut out the kissing: You’re not pressuring him for any kind of relationship so he shouldn’t expect you to put yourself out there. This might further entice him as well. Spending time with someone you want to hook up with, but knowing you can’t, can be a turn on. Ah men, how simple we are. Once we have a bite of the carrot all you need to do is dangle it in front of us and we’ll follow unto our doom (or bliss).

Silent treatment: If he wants space then give him space, from you! Perhaps he can’t bear your loss. Perhaps he comes crawling to your door saying he can’t live without you. The flip side is he could distract himself with a bunch of ho’s and forget your number.

Florence Nightingale Syndrome: Nurse him through the post-break up stage. However, you’ll have to set the boundary that neither one tells the other about anyone else you drunkenly make out with. This leads me to your final choice…

Make him jealous: Go out on a couple dates with a hot guy and DON’T TELL HIM ANY DETAILS. The less you say other than, “it was great,” the more his imagination will drive him mad with scenarios where you’re humping his competition in a waterbed with awesome Superman sheets. This insanity will drive him to act. However, this is extremely manipulative terrain.

For my money, I’d go with #1. He’s been honest with you and you should be with him. Be there as a friend, but treat him like one as well. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of – don’t be a door mat and don’t be a booty call either. Be the person you want him to be with, the one he’s yet to find a way to resist: be yourself. Let him know your feelings toward him and then be patient, you can’t force timing. You can’t see where this is going to lead. You can put yourself out there, relax, and enjoy the ride. Don’t worry, my Spider-sense sees the two of you tearing each other’s clothes off on a rainy night within the next 3 months…or was that the movie I saw on Cinemax at 3am?

I wish you love,
Nostra-Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can't scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear dude,

Problem: my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend texts him constantly. They were in a relationship for 2 years on and off in high school. I asked him to not talk to her and he didn’t for about 4 months. But she texted him consistently and he finally gave in and started talking to her. He said she really needed him for advice. I know this because I sometimes check his phone. Bad I know on my part but I had good reason to! Now he locks his phone and I’m worried he has something to hide. I know she still loves him; am I being paranoid? I’m in a new relationship and we have told each other we love each other already. We discussed this but I’m just not comfortable with the whole thing; should I be?

Sincerely,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

PUT THE BOYFRIEND’S PHONE DOWN! I want to discuss with you the theory of cause and effect. If you invade someone’s privacy by, say, stealing his cell phone and rummaging through his texts, what effect do you foresee this having?

1. He finds your lack of trust in him endearing.
2. He decides to let you inspect every aspect of his life on a regular basis.
3. He STOPS TRUSTING YOU!

Hint: A and B have never happened in the recorded history of human civilization.

Alright, you’ve been punished. Now, take a few deep breaths and let’s hash out a battle plan.

I admire that you two have tried talking this through. A term you’ll have heard of if you ever went to a shrink or at least watched In Treatment: setting boundaries.  However, be careful of being misled by the term boundaries. Setting boundaries isn’t dictating what your boyfriend can or can’t do, but what you can or can’t accept. You don’t tell someone to stop talking to their ex, you tell him you won’t accept him continuing to be involved with his ex when he should be involved with YOU.

There’s a clear emotional chain in situations like these. You don’t trust his ex. However, that really implies you don’t trust him with his ex. This indicates you don’t trust him to be faithful to you. Therefore, you have concerns or doubts about the relationship and want to make sure you don’t get hurt. Your fears lead to panicked and obsessive behavior that will cause the deterioration of your relationship. YOU’RE SPRINTING TO THE BREAK UP!

The mantra for any relationship that lasts beyond bouts of doubt and jealousy is the following: “communication is key.” You have to talk with him again. Try asking him some of the following questions:  Why does he feel the need to keep indulging his ex? Is there anything left unresolved between them? What are his fears regarding your relationship? If the situation were reversed, how would he respond to it?

There are a couple of less realistic and less recommended methods of dealing with an ex. The first way entails you finding and beating the holy heck out of her. While this is a fantasy for some men (of course the “fighting” involves either a bed of pillows or a pool filled with melted chocolate) it most likely would end with scars and assault charges. Option number two is that you take a vow of silence and wait for either something or nothing to happen. This may result in you driving yourself insane and escalating your obsessive behavior (he doesn’t have a bunny does he?). Yet a third way is to wash your hands of the relationship. We all know where that road leads (a month’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s, a Chuck marathon, and your room reverts to a jungle of clothes).

So save yourself the legal fees, straightjacket, and heartbreak induced weight gain. Talk to your boy. Apologize for swiping his iPhone. Ask him what’s tying him to this ex and tell him what you can or can’t put up with before it ends the relationship. Or become the next ex that won’t go away.

Closing the Ex File,
Agent Dude

It’s no secret that everyone wants honestly in their relationship, but there are some things we just DON’T want to know (or want them to know!).  Much like you wouldn’t disclose to your man exactly what happened between you and his roommate freshman year, here’s a list of things we definitely do not want to hear from guys we’re gettin’ down with:

1. His “Number”: I admit that sometimes I get curious and I’m tempted to ask, but I resist! I really don’t wanna know how many other chicks he’s gotten naked with, especially if I’m into him.

2. Bowel movements: Even if the relationship is years old, there should still be a little mystery in the bathroom. He should tell his frat brothers about what he’s doing/did/about to do (in graphic detail) in there, not me.

3. Anything positive about his ex: I don’t care if she was pretty, smart, a good cook, or great in bed. It’s best not to mention her at all, but if he must, we prefer to hear that she was some variation of a crazy person who didn’t fulfill his needs and has much, much smaller boobies. Also…

4. He still talks to his ex: This is basically guaranteed to bring out the crazy jealous b*tch in all of us.  It’s okay if they’re still friends, but we don’t need to hear that she texted him the most HILARIOUS thing today and blah, blah, blah.  Just avoid an argument and stay mum, okay?

5. How often he masturbates: I’d like to think he stops that once he’s gettin’ the real deal from me. And I’d really like to keep it that way.

6. How often he watches porn: I don’t want to feel pressure of trying to live up to Jenna Jameson in bed.

7. That we’ve gotten fat: If he notices, then there’s basically a 100% chance that we’ve already noticed. And panicked. And taped a picture of Adriana Lima to the fridge. We’re critical enough of ourselves, so any comments about our body from a guy besides how much he loves our T and A will send us over the edge.

8. How hot he thinks our friends are: My friends and roommates are attractive, and I’m sure any guy who spends a lot of time with me will notice.  But I don’t want to know about it.  Nor do I want to know about the fantasy involving a threesome with me and my BFF.

9. Where he learned his bedroom moves: I appreciate the great sex, but I want to throw up at the thought of all the practice it took for you to acquire your um…skill.

10. What his friends think about me: And, yes, that includes if they think I have a nice ass. That’s just asking for awkward interactions down the road.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get listening.

(Frat guy, at a party.)

Guy: Okay, everyone! Dicks up, boy couch!

(Two guys in class, before lecture starts.)

Guy 1: My girlfriend broke up with me, and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed.

Guy 2: Ouch.

Guy 1: Yeah, I sent them to her dad.

(Girl at a party.)

Girl: C’mon, let’s get out of here!

Guy: We can’t. You’re wasted. Let’s stay here.

Girl: I’m not that drunk. (Passes out into a pile of empties.)

(Guy, at one end of a long table in a diner.)

Guy: Yo, can someone pass me the cat?

Girl: What?

Guy: The jelly. Pass me the jelly.

(Guys, studying in the library.)

Guy 1: Shakespeare got to make up whatever words he wanted.

Guy 2: Like “s***dick.”

Guy 1: What? No, he didn’t.

Guy 2: He sure did. Never used it in his plays, though.

(Guy, on the phone.)

Guy: Guess what? Last night a BJ saved my life.

(Girl and guy, in the dining hall.)

Guy: Can you get me some soda?

Girl: No. I’m not your secretary.

Guy: Sure you are. Get me a Coke, titmittens.

(Girl and a guy, sitting in Taco Bell.)

Guy: You want to have sex after this?

Girl: Nah, I’m pretty full.

(Two guys, sitting on the shuttle bus.)

Guy 1: Hey, excuse me.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Our butts just touched. Sorry about that.

(Two girls and a guy, talking in the dining hall.)

Girl 1: Would you want to be a guy for, like, a day?

Girl 2: I don’t think so. I wouldn’t want to feel my genitalia outside of my body.

Guy: You get used to it.

(Girl and a guy, reading the newspaper.)

Girl: Look. It’s you. (pointing)

Guy: Not really?

Girl: Yeah, if you were a little five-foot tall Nazi.

(Girl, alone at a check-out counter, with a bag of beans.)

Girl: I like beans.

Dear Dude,

So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for awhile now, and things are really great. We live an hour away from each other and he makes the effort to drive to see me every week for at least a couple of days at a time, sends me flowers at work, and calls me a few times a day at least. We have a very honest relationship, and share pretty much everything with each other. I really couldn’t ask for a sweeter boyfriend, or a better relationship.

Ever since we’ve started seeing each other, I’ve noticed something a little weird though. He talks about his exes, a lot. He’ll bring up random comments (“that house looks like ___’s house”) or just tell me stories when something reminds him. It’s mainly two girls that he talks about, that he was with for 3 and 5 years. Honestly, I really don’t want to hear these stories; I know everyone has a past and I’m okay with that…but I just don’t care or want to know about it. The relationships with these girls ended years ago. On top of that, I made a passing mention of my ex’s name once and he got so upset! He told me he doesn’t want to think about it, and that it upsets him hearing it.

Is he not over these girls, or was he just with them for so long that he’s used to bringing them up in conversation? What’s his deal!

- Keep It To Yourself

Dear Keep It To Yourself,

It is often helpful to think of men as dogs when regarding any relationship: we would do almost anything for bacon; we sometimes miss where we intend to pee; and, for us, 3 to 5 years is like “20″ in relationship years. You’re right- your boyfriend likely doesn’t realize how often he brings his exes into the conversation, nor how unbelievably annoying this may be. Men are creatures of habit…and sometimes our bad habits seem impossible to break. But don’t waste your time worrying about if your man has moved on from these women (or if he’s secretly still holding a torch for them)… the way he treats you (daily phone calls, kind gestures and generous long-distance efforts) shows exactly how much he loves you.

Nevertheless, this doesn’t change the fact that your boyfriend’s absent-minded “name dropping” habit is putting a damper on things. If you don’t bring this issue to him (openly, honestly and delicately), then you may find yourself burning your own huge torch of resentment pretty soon. So, sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him that you love living in the present with him (and feel so positive about your future), but you want to bring to attention how much he refers to the past.

Let him know that although you don’t want him to hide or repress his past, if he does want to go down memory lane with his exes, he needs to return the favor (and be ok with you mentioning former flames). Hopefully the idea can be discussed with an open-mind (without any fingers being pointed, defenses being raised or additional names being dropped), and you can move on from there on a more positive note. As long as your flowers aren’t addressed to one of these other women (or their names aren’t called out in bed)…try not to worry. In this case, his actions truly speak louder than words.

I think I’m done here,
Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]