In the middle of my sophomore year of college, a tall, charismatic boy with a shock of blonde hair confessed to me that he thought I was intoxicating and very pretty. Unfortunately, this assertion came in the wake of a poorly hewn explanation of his current opposition to dating anyone, despite having expressed days before, after a dinner date, that a relationship with me was his ultimate goal.

I met Jacob* at the beginning of the school year, but didn’t get to know him until early November. He was forward but gentlemanly from the start — getting my number, inviting me places, telling me he liked me, asking if he could kiss me (I declined for reasons to be discussed), taking me out on a date, baking for me — all in the space of about two weeks. I told him repeatedly that I liked him and liked getting to know him better, but that was all I knew. I didn’t want to entertain ideas that might not come to fruition. The attention was nice; however, as someone who’s prone to crushin’ hard, I try to appraise dating situations objectively. Others sometimes misrepresent themselves (some don’t even have your best intentions at heart) and trusting too easily means getting hurt later. This was the right perspective to have, but I didn’t realize soon enough just how much I didn’t read into his exclamations enough.

The first time Jacob asked if he could kiss me came two days after a discussion we’d had about our dating histories. His ex-girlfriend had interrupted a movie we were watching together in a dorm lounge, and he’d decided to give me the long-winded story of their relationship. Jacob and I live in the same dorm, and so does his ex-girlfriend. She’s already dumped him twice for the same guy, and he told me he was over her, but that he was ‘weak.’ I should have known then and there to get up and leave, but I wanted to believe that I was enough to keep him from going back to her — I wanted to win him over. I’m not a flirty person, and I’d only ever kissed one other boy. Effectively, I suspected that anything that happened would mean more to me than to him. He asked if I thought I’d get attached, but I didn’t like his phrasing and stated that I just didn’t know how I’d react to being close to someone, period. Despite my best efforts, I ended up liking him, and ultimately did get hurt.

Two weeks of late-night studying, baking, and even a formal date later, I got crushed. Jacob told me that he’d like to talk about something over dinner, and wanted me swipe him into the dining hall. I was curious and infatuated, so of course I complied. When we got there, he sat down, declined to get food, and began to brood. When I asked what was wrong, he told me simply that he’d just woken up that day and decided that he didn’t want to date anyone, and he hoped I’d understand. I swiped you in so you could break up with me? I thought. What a jerk. Still, he made sure to let me know that it wasn’t personal and that he was ‘totally into me.’ He just didn’t feel like dating. I went home and wrote some angsty song lyrics, and that was that, or so I thought.

We were supposed to see the last Harry Potter movie with some friends the next day, and masochistically, I hadn’t called it off. After all, I still liked him, and hoped I could get him back. When I got back to the dorm after a day of studying and saw him with his ex-girlfriend, however, I snapped. Needless to say, we didn’t go to Harry Potter together. He went with her.

Ladies, if a guy is still talking about his ex-girlfriend, your brain should go into full alert mode. Don’t let his dazzling smile fool you; a guy who has gone back to his girl before — not once, but twice — and can still say only positive things about her is totally whipped. What’s more, if she’s still in his life, or if he’s busy planning out your lives together without really knowing you yet, he’s trying to make you a surrogate for something he wants and can’t let go of but also can’t have.

This is not to say that Yo-Yo Daters are spineless jerks; they’re definitely jerks, but unintentionally — there’s always something deeper going on. Jacob was a guy who needed to learn to stand up for himself, who was a people pleaser, and who didn’t like conflict. He couldn’t tell me his real reasons for breaking things off because he didn’t want to hurt me and more importantly didn’t want to feel bad about hurting me. In the end, I realized that he was a broken-hearted and desperate and trying to be diplomatic (i.e. responsibility-avoidant), but I still got hurt regardless.

Jacob and his girlfriend are still together, for now. While I’m glad I know better than to get in the middle of something now — no matter how cute the guy, how much you want to believe you can win him over (that’s NOT your job), or how much he insists he’s changed — it’s best to see the warning signs of a Yo-Yo Dater and not let yourself get involved.

* Name has been changed for privacy purposes.

Submitted by CollegeCandy reader, Hannah Weinberger. She’s currently studying abroad in Xiamen, China and has a blog where she documents her thoughts and experiences.

Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
I have a new boyfriend and things are awesome, but there’s a problem. Let me preface this by saying I tend to be the problem in my relationships because even though I’ve never been cheated on or truly hurt, I still have a problem trusting guys for some reason.

With this new guy, he’s never really done anything physical with women before because he believes in waiting until marriage, and he’s never said ‘I love you’ before me. We haven’t been dating that long but we’re getting pretty serious already and he’s professes to be in love with me and wants to marry me. We’re also getting physical. So, it seems like he’s crazy about me but there’s one thing that keeps bugging me: he never talks about his exes. The only one he’s ever mentioned is now married to one of his friends. I asked him why he’s so secretive about his exes when I’m open about mine and he says “they’re not worth talking about” and “I still talk to some of them and I don’t want you to hate them.”

Is this something I should be worried about? I love him and trust him not to cheat on me, but I’d hate to be someone he settles for while being hung up on an ex he can no longer have. It could be my usual paranoia but I want to get some outside advice to make sure this isn’t a legitimate problem and I refuse to unload all my neuroses on him. Please help!!!!

-Trying not to fixate

Dear Trying not to fixate

Yes. You’re fixating. Yes. You’re paranoid. However, maybe – just maybe – you should be afraid, very afraid.

There is a point in almost every relationship where you feel like there’s something to prove to the other person. What do you do? What has he done for you to prove his feelings? He’s never told someone that he loves them, but he said the three little words to you (and he’s not even in a life or death situation like Chuck Bartowski). He’s saving himself for marriage, but he’s pushing the boundaries of chastity with you. Isn’t this enough? Must he complete 12 mythical labors to alleviate your fears and earn your trust (Heracles beat the crap out of Death to free Alcestis, make him drag race in a Prius).

What gives weight to your worries is the subject matter: The exes. Comparing exes can be like swapping war stories.  You open up your shirts to see whose scar is bigger or drop your pants to see who’s got the most shrapnel wounds. Then you laugh, you kiss, and you promise you’ll never hurt the other person like those damn Vi-ex Cong did (you mean it in the moment, at least). Here you are, stripping down for him but wait, why won’t he meet you half way?

The issue is that there’s an emotional boundary he won’t let go of. Why? Because he might have some unresolved issues with the ghosts of girlfriends past (do NOT see that Matthew McConaughey movie). If the past truly has nothing to threaten you with, odds are he’d be willing to open up about it.

I understand you’re not jealous of an ex since you can’t be. Jealousy is person to person. He hasn’t even given you a name to start plotting acts of terrorism against. What he’s done instead is made you distrustful of his commitment to you and the relationship.

We must return to the mantra that resolves all unknowns: communication is key. Talk it out! You have to keep asking him to open up the ex-files.  If he won’t then he’s withholding out of fear. Fear of what exactly? Could be he’s still involved with one or more of his exes. Could be because he’s hurt and bitter at the way things ended with the others. Could be because he’s afraid you’ll compare yourself to them and is worried you’ll start hating them for no reason. Could be because he’s an idiot. All you can do is explain that what you need is for him to be as open with you as you are with him.

Everyone is coming to get me,
The Dude

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history, why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course not, they’d dated as teenagers or college students (when they were drunk most of the time, I’m sure), and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the grown-ups, I had a new appreciation for ‘the ex’, as she became a more significant being. My boyfriend was with his ex for 8 years, and when I first found that out, the thought of her made me INSANE. Totally irrational, I know, but I’m working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few things I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or, Hide The Evidence)
In any relationship, but especially long-termers, and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together, all these need not disappear just because the co-puchaser is no longer around. But personal things? You don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well they’re not yours. That’s a little too much. It is certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean, and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex.

But be forgiving. There was a time where I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from the aforementioned long-term ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her, it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. But was it OK for me to ask him to get rid of his favorite book just because she happened to give it to him? No. Yes, her clothes have to go, but his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing.

2. Know What You Must – And Nothing More
The question of exes always comes up, be it as a side note in conversation or the topic itself. It’s only natural, in the process of getting to know one another. That said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for, and make sure you are ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once, because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. It took a very, very good friend to ask me, as I agonized about whether to bring it up: “but…why?” And she was right. I didn’t need to know when she moved out, where she went, and so on, mostly because it has NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned. Don’t over-pry. This ABSOLUTELY includes internet stalking. Don’t hunt them down on MySpace and Facebook! Stop it! Right now! It it a seductive prospect, and far too many people fall prey to the temptation. If you can’t ask it in person, you know it’s not a healthy activity.

3. Don’t Compare!
When dealing with a long term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in a part of the world you have always longed to go? These are not things you really need to know, nor, I imagine, do you really want to. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. He’s not with her anymore – he’s with you!

4. Remember: You have Baggage Too
I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters, and postcards, and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). And I have friendships, many of them, with ex-boyfriends, and I am happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past, whatever your partner’s past, the truth is you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own unique beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are and brought you where you are. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces, and seem to still genuinely like each other.  And yet, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.” Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it also never gets in the way.

I’ve been dating this boy for about two months. He’s great, and so far things have been going really well. We spend a lot of time together without getting sick of each other, but haven’t meshed into a creepy and mushy single being like some couples are prone to. He makes me laugh, although it’s usually more at him than with him. He’s GREAT in bed. But best of all, I just feel comfortable with him. I’m not constantly paranoid about checking my makeup or trying to force witty conversation. I can be completely me, and he likes me more for it.

It’s perfect, right?
Not quite.

He has an ex-girlfriend. Not just any ex-girlfriend, THE ex-girlfriend. His first love, the only serious relationship he’s ever had, the girl he was with for his entire college life, the girl his parents thought he would marry. The girl who broke his heart and destroyed his life, but with all the best intentions. The girl who was such a big part of his life that they still talk almost every day. The girl whose mother still tells him he’s the son she never had. The girl he calls when he has a fight with me and needs to sort stuff out.

Of all the ex-girlfriends out there, this one is definitely the most intimidating. How do I compete with this girl who was so perfect? Is he over her? Why aren’t they still together? What if she doesn’t like me, or tries to sabotage this?

It’s been a struggle trying to navigate these issues. I’m not that jealous of a person, and I understand the value in remaining friends with exes. I’m still friends with all my exes, though not nearly as good of friends as he is with her. Still, I get the idea that someone who was so important in your life can still remain important when the relationship is over. I like that he gets that too.

But that doesn’t mean this girl doesn’t intimidate my socks off. After all, they were, like, soul mates. How do I know he’s over her, and won’t go back to her?

After many nights lying awake thinking about this (or days in lecture spent zoning out thinking about this…), I finally started to see things without my paranoid-colored glasses on.

She is an ex for a reason. They have been broken up now for about a year. If things were going to work out, they would have already. She’s also in a serious relationship with someone else. Logically, I don’t think this girl is much of a threat to me.

What’s threatening my happiness in this relationship are my own insecurities. I can’t be worried about living up to the ex. I should be focusing on my own good qualities, on the things that set me apart from her, and any other girl. These are the things he likes about me. And when you look at it that way, it makes the whole ex idea much easier to swallow. He likes me because I’m not her, so why would I worry about trying to be as good as her?

As for the whole her not liking me bit, or trying to sabotage us; I just have to chalk that up to paranoia. If they truly are just friends and want what’s best for each other, she will be happy that he has found someone else. He loved her, so I trust that she is a good person. She would not sabotage something that could make him happy. And even if she tried to, how much could she really do?

I’m sure many of you have been in a similar position. Ex-girlfriends are always a source of jealousy, no matter how nonchalant you wish you could be about it. How do you guys deal with these kinds of issues? Or if you’re on the other side of the issue, the ex-girlfriend, how do you feel when your ex starts seeing a new girl?