Hey Dude,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of more than 6 months (who keeps count these days anyway?), and it’s been a rough time. Mostly, I think, neither one of us wanted to break up but we had been growing apart for sometime. New changes in his life prompted him to cut the cord, and we went our separate ways…kind of. In reality, as soon as things were officially over (I’m talking next day here), he and I went back to normal. We started texting nonstop again, calling a few times a day just “because this song reminded me of you,” or because “you’re going to die of laughter when you hear about my dinner mishap.”

Aside from the fact that we were no longer together absolutely NOTHING had changed… It’s as though all of the pressure of a formal relationship was suddenly off and we were that fun and exciting couple again…minus the couple.

I think you should know that we haven’t had to face the issue of hooking up yet because he lives in a land far far away (but really only like an hour and some change) so I don’t know how that little taboo will work out when we next see each other.

Now, I never wanted us to break up, I just wanted us to take some time to cool off and reconnect. So, as you can imagine after how well things have been going, I want us to be together again. Is this silly, is it time to start getting over him or should I continue to cling to the hope that it’s all going to work out?

-Ex-girlfriend

Dear ex-girlfriend,

You ripped off the labels, removed the expectations, and what do you know? All’s well that ends well. I wonder though…has anything actually ended?

There’s nothing wrong that you’ve got hope it’ll work out. Hope’s a marvelous thing. It can’t keep you warm but it can take the edge off of the cold. Hope can be a crutch, tease, or delusion but what it needs to be is a lifeboat. We have to find a way to keep afloat. Having hope makes us human. Just be careful that your hope isn’t only an air-filled balloon.

From the sounds of it, you’re enjoying the freedom of not having to be perfect all the time. 6 months is usually around the end of the honeymoon period. And then the relationship kicks into gear. OH NO! A RELATIONSHIP!  Get the escape hatches ready!

You’re probably right. NOTHING’S CHANGED. There was a reason to break up. Hence, you broke up. Those reasons don’t magically disappear when you get out of the his/hers mentality. You grew apart? Meaning? Did it come down to fundamentally different wants and needs? Because if it was, there’s little reconciling that the next morning.

In answering a question of this sort, the grand thing is to reason it backward. You used a heck of a word in your question: Normal. You said that after you broke up things went back to normal. If I were to Sherlock your letter, I might deduce an idea that being in a relationship makes you feel abnormal. Meaning that in your relationship you didn’t feel like yourself. For sake of argument (and because letters are a “speak the speech” one-at-a-time form of communication) let’s say I’m mostly right. Why don’t you think you could feel like yourself in a relationship with him but you can when you remove the title? Elementary, dear girl!

People crumble under the pressure of being in a relationship because they don’t like what they think a relationship means. Consequences. Obligations. Expectations. Inconvenience. Putting someone else’s needs before your own. Being hurt. Losing someone you care about. Fading passion. Boredom. Being trapped. Well, Hell, when you put that much weight on the bond of two individual entities, how could it not crack in half? If being together becomes more about what  you’re “supposed” to do and not about what you “want” to do, then there’s no way you’ll stay together happily.

Your medicine: Some self-analysis. Why did you break up? What is your definition of a relationship? Would anything have changed if you got back together with him tomorrow? If the answers of the first and second questions lead to the answer of the third being NO, then it’s time to hope for something else…a rebound.

It’s easier to know it, than to know why you know it.

Dude Holmes

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Does have have to know I've never been kissed?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hi Dude,
I recently hung out with my ex – we were together for 2 years and been broken up for about 2 1/2 years. After the break-up I had a hard time and came off a bit needy. Time went by and we met up to catch up. I told him I still had feelings for him but he was dating someone and said he wanted to see where it went and that he “didn’t love me anymore.”

Well they broke up a month ago and when we hung out this last time he was completely different. We totally clicked and the whole time he kept bringing up old memories he has of me and talked about times we had sex and was a bit flirty. He also made a comment that we were “good together” but that we were just at “differnt points in our life.” Every time we’d hung out after our break up it was very awkward and this time it wasn’t at all. He even invited me out to an event and I went. He’s also helping me find a job and he always talks to me on Facebook. I still love him and care for him and I’m not sure what to think about him talking about sex and saying he hasn’t forgotten how good I was in bed and bringing up a lot of memories. It really threw me off. What does this mean?

– Broken Up and Breaking Down

Dear Broken Up and Breaking Down,

You know that movie where the guy and girl spend their formative/experimental years together in that perfect first love? What was it called? You know the one, where they’re together but they eventually grow apart, life taking them down different paths. The guy goes off and finds somebody else for a while, the girl does the same. They had written off their love as teenage frolicking fancy. Then fate winds them around into a head on collision. But oh no, he’s still with someone but then they break up and the rumblings of rekindling the past passion becomes unbearable. And the whole time you were watching them and really hoping they got back together, and they did, and they lived happily ever after!

Remember that movie? What was it called? Damn…oh wait…it was called, something like-NOT REALITY.

I’m not knocking the idea that some people will find each other ten years down the road and fall back in love. However, it generally happens after both of them have moved on and reestablished who they are on their own terms (can anyone guess the movie I paraphrased that last part of the line from? Because that makes you cool…to me…).  Which, to be honest (brutally so, I admit) it doesn’t sound like you were ever able to do.

Your boy’s on the rebound and he’s going to Old-Reliable to get his fix. Now, he may not think of it that way himself. Plenty of guys will convince themselves they’re reinvigorating past feelings when what they’re trying to do is escape into something safe, comfortable, familiar, and with an expiration date. He’s getting over someone and you’re convenient. That’s a harsh pill to swallow and from the tone of your message, I’ll bet you’re going to be resistant to my diagnosis. Let’s make a deal: If you can admit the plausibility of my theory, examine the situation you’re in with some objectivity – disqualifying your feelings of longing – then I will be happy to entertain the possibility that maybe this is the 1 time out of a 100,000 where there’s a happy ending brewing.

I want to ask you some questions: Did you ever get over him in the last 2 and a half years you’ve been apart? Have you attempted to actually be vulnerable and cultivate a connection with someone else in that time? What wasn’t working with your relationship before? What, if anything has changed in him to make you think it wouldn’t end differently? If you were to say no right now, while he’s still getting over this other girl, would he still be interested in you?

Take a sober look at the answers you can dig out of yourself. It doesn’t take an Intersect to see the story behind the story behind the question. I need you to realize the danger of the situation you’re putting yourself into. If you go back down that road and let yourself become vulnerable again, then he breaks your heart (again), how much more devastated might you be? This about your self-preservation. Remember the old adage: if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. He’s searching for some comfort and he thinks you’ll make a fine hump pillow. He may not want to hurt you but it doesn’t sound like he understands how much you’re still invested in what you had 3 years ago. Worse, he might recognize that and is taking advantage of it. Tread carefully, or your won’t just be broken but battered to a bloody pulp (emotionally speaking of course).

Showing you the forest from the trees,
The Dude

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

This song has been in my head for weeks, probably because perfectly describes what I’m living through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend.

Except not really.

Long-distance was not working out for us, so we tried an open relationship. When that didn’t fix anything, I ended it… two days before going to visit him for two weeks. Awkward much? I visited and we carried on like nothing had changed, promising we would start acting broken up once I left.

I’ve been home for over a month now and we still talk every day. He asked me to be his Valentine. I’m visiting over spring break, which also includes our one-year anniversary, and we’re still celebrating it. I’ve been on two dates, and each time felt like I was cheating. How could anyone call this broken up?

My situation may be especially strange, but I know many of my friends have been in similar positions. It’s hard to let go of someone, and usually that means a break up is more of a process than an event. You end things, cry, drunk dial, cry, sleep together, cry, keep sleeping together, get it together, stop sleeping together, move on. It ends up looking something like this.

And now that I’m in it, I’m confused. I know that I’m probably not going about this right, but I’m not sure what right is.

Can break up sex be right?

What do you girls (and guys) think of sex with a recent ex? Is it a normal part of the break up process? A good way to get closure? An immature means of trying to hang on to the past? A sign of a deep fear of being alone?

I personally think it varies for everyone. I have friends that have had break-up sex once, then moved on and never looked back. I’ve also had friends that have kept sleeping with someone who broke their heart hoping he would change his mind. How do you know which one you’ll end up being?

This is one topic I’m just not an expert on, so I’ll leave it up to you guys to debate in the comments.

Break-up sex: good or bad?

As per usual in my life, my senior year (the first one, mind you) was spent obsessing over a gargantuan, shaggy-haired, Beatles’ lovin, ex-BF who thought he was way too good for me. Even though he ignored me 99% of the time, I basically revolved my life around him. I planned my weekend festivities around where I thought he might show up. I wriggled myself into outfits no one should ever have to wriggle themselves into to “show him what he was missing.” (Which, it turned out, was a girl in a too-low top whose boobs were constantly falling out.) I made out with his friends in front of him.

Basically, I turned into a grade A psychopath. But, we still had mutual friends. Lots of them.

So, I got lucky one St. Patrick’s eve when said boy and I showed up at the same bash to indulge ourselves in green beer and endless games of flip cup. And after doing just that, ex-boy and I began our ritual flirtfest. We were notoriously known for talking smack about each other one day and hooking up the next, so no one was surprised when they watched us waltz away together – me, elated, him, just drunk. However, it had been about 5 months since our last little romp in the sheets and since then, he’d pretty much sworn me off to everyone he knew. Especially to his roommate, who now stared me down whenever he saw me and probably knew more awful (read: psycho) stories about me than anyone should.

After we walked to the bar together, we started to down shot after shot. Eventually, my friends I had left at the party showed up to drunkenly drag me to a couch to sleep on. I angrily obliged. Couldn’t they see that stud muffin was totally making bedroom eyes at me? After a three hour nap on a friend’s couch, (conveniently, around the corner from stud mufffin’s house) I woke up to multiple text messages from him: “Where are you?” “Comf over” (which I assumed, in sober speak, meant “Come over.”) Still tipsy from all the shots, I walked to his house in record time. (OK, I probably ran.)

And then the inevitable happened. Until eight in the morning.

Around 8:30, I started to come to. I realized where I was and what (who?) I was doing. Basically, I panicked. I was naked and he was sleeping.

I was scared.
I needed my friends.
I needed to pee.

I stood up as quickly as I could and looked out the window to make sure I was actually where I thought I was. However, instead of a road staring back at me, there was a PERSON. Staring. At me. Naked.

And that person happened to be ex boyfriend’s roommate – the same one who happened to hate on me hardcore.

We stared at each other for a couple seconds before he looked away and walked in the house… and I realized that he had just seen me wearing nothing but a shamrock necklace and a look of horror. Terrified, I scurried around the room and gathered my clothes (quietly, of course; I didn’t need to wake up the ex bf and have even more awkwardness). Minutes later, I composed myself and emerged from ex-boy’s bedroom. The roommate was enjoying a nice bowl of cereal on the couch. I hurried past him and thankfully he didn’t even look up from his Lucky Charms to see me out.

Once the door slammed behind me I ran home.
In green tights.

Dear Dudeness,

OK, so I need your help. My ex dumped me about 8 months ago saying that we needed space. I called BS and we didn’t talk after that. But yesterday we were talking, just catching up and I was secretly checking to see if he was with someone. Well he ended up inviting me to a party and so I went. We didn’t really talk at the party; he came up to me and said hi but I was really busy winning beer pong. Then me and my friends left to go get Taco Bell and when we got back he had left. He said earlier that he would come back for me if I needed a ride and I ended up needing one, of course, so he came and got me.

Long story short, we ended up in my room about to have sex and then he blurts out: “You were the only girl I ever loved.” Umm WTF? I told him it was just sex and that we didn’ need to discuss that right now (I was trying to not be clingy… did I get it right?) but then he told me that again later on. Why? He was the one to dump me and say we needed space. My ex broke my heart right in half and I don’t want to do the whole obsession thing of wondering what he meant, but why would he tell me that? It was almost awkward. Almost.

Anyways I’m totally rambling but I figured you would know what to tell me.

Thank you, dude!
Taylor

Dearest Taylor,

Last week I discussed the similarities of guys and dogs.  Same reasoning applies.  Dogs chase things because they love the thrill of the chase.  Guys chase girls for the same reason.  We may not even like a girl all that much, but if she responds to what we are doing, we will pursue like a bloodhound on the trail of an escaped convict.

Your fella is probably experiencing the phenomenon of “dump my girl and burn through as many chicks as possible letdown.”  This occurs when a guy is getting some very good responses from his main squeeze.  She falls for him, it boosts his ego, and he thinks he can do the same thing with any girl he wants.  But then reality kicks in and he realizes what worked for you isn’t working with the rest.  Cue crawling back and professing undying love.

Be careful with this one.  You could end up being the rebound girl to yourself.  Find out why exactly he dumped you in the first place.  If it was something about you, has it changed?  If not, then why would he feel any different the second time around?  If he wanted to test the old saying of other fish in the sea and cast his line into open waters, then I would imagine he wouldn’t be a good choice for a steady boyfriend.

– The Man, The Myth, The Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Got a question for the Tuffster? Email her at

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So I’m home from college for the summer and kind of lonely. I dated around this year at school but nothing serious like my high school boyfriend (let’s call him K). Anyway, K is home from school today and we’ve been hanging out but I know he wants to hook up and I think I do too. But I don’t want him to be my boyfriend when I go back to school. Should I hook up with him or not? I’m pretty sure I’m going to. Would that be screwed up?

Tricia

Dear Tricia,

So, like, this is a trick question because you’ve obviously already decided to hook up with him. Right? I mean, why are you gonna write to me and say you’re gonna do it then? Well, anyway, I think you should go for it, so I guess you’re in luck.

Here’re Tuffy’s thoughts:

You can hook up with anyone you want. Just don’t forget to use protection if any kind of sex (oral included, kids!) is gonna go down. But since you’re already emotionally involved with this guy (you DID date him in high school, after all), you’re gonna have to have a Talk.

Splain to him that you wanna hook up but he shouldn’t expect you to go back to how things were. You should also make it very clear that this is For-The-Summer-Only. Summer fling? Fun. Summer Fling That Turns Into Irritating Obligation: Not so much.

However, if you think you’re still going to be friends after all this, prognosis is bleak. Yeah, if you guys are both super well-adjusted AND both have exactly the same amount of no-feelings for each other, you might, just might, be fine. But chances are, history will repeat itself and one of you will have stronger feelings than the other. This happens to everyone, people. Very rarely do both people feel exactly the same way. Anyway, just so’s you know.

Basically, Tuffy sez go for it. But be aware of the probable consequences, okay? Plus, don’t underestimate male jealousy. That shiz just hits us time and time again.

And always use protection!!!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

And I dunno if it’s just the spring sunshine (er, rain right now), but I am feelin’ a little frisky. Which sucks. Because I’m single…and plan to stay that way.

But, I do have ONE option at my disposal: Sex with the Ex.

Now, even though I won’t actually do it (…at least not unless I have a good two to three white russians in my system), it is still fun to think about. Which I did. Through my hour and fifteen minute lecture on Scriptwriting.

So, naturally all this thinking led to fantasizing, and this fantasizing inevitably led to me creating a “Sex with the Ex” mix chock full of songs that would totally make any ex fall to his knees, you know, just in case. Like my own little secret weapon.

So, I’m not saying you have to use this mix for it’s original purpose, but I won’t judge you if you do.

Next week, I’ll give you some songs to drink to. Promise.
Check it out here.

Then, the heat of the moment passes and you wake up resembling the Bride of Frankenstein only to realize that you just boned your best friend/ex-lover/a boy from your Psych class. And things get even messier. No pun intended.

You instantly turn into psycho b*tch and a million questions run through your head in a matter of milliseconds. Everything from, I wonder if he’s REALLY regretting that last shot of Jack? to planning an elaborate escape route to his front door without spilling any beer cans or waking up any of his roommates.

But perhaps the most important question that plagues your hungover mind is something like, What the f**k is going to happen now? Especially when the person you just screwed is a friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or in three of your classes. Seriously, is it even possible to maintain a platonic relationship with someone you just saw – and who saw you – in the buff, without makeup or a push-up bra?

In my opinion, what unfolds after the sheets are, um, unfolded depends a lot on who you’re gettin’ it on with. The state of affairs BEFORE the actual event greatly determines the way shite will go down afterwards.

If you were platonic friends first:

You can probably salvage your friendship by laughing it off. At least you made the drunken mistake with someone you already know, love and respect. But, if you were friends before and Mr. Friend had a crush on you (or vice versa), sex is most definitely going to change the relationship. If he “got” you once, he’ll think he can get you again. And if you were crushin’ on him, you might suddenly start stalking his Facebook a little more often (every 10 minutes) and get jealous of his other “platonic” girl friends. This is when you need to talk about it – not just ignore it and hope that one of you starts to feel differently.

If you were kinda friends:

Things can be a little confusing. If you want to continue to be friends you probably need to talk about the boundaries of your relationship now that you’ve crossed the forbidden line. Are you gonna continue to get nakey everytime you hang out? Or was it a one-time sexual escapade that is best forgotten (if you can remember it to begin with)? Talking about the sitch A.S.A.P. will make things easier in the future. Like when you catch his eye across the dining hall and aren’t sure whether to smile and say hey or run to the nearest bathroom to hide your red cheeks and other signs of undeniable post hook-up shame.

If you weren’t friends first:

HEY! You could have just made a friend. At least you can always look back and laugh at the way you met. Yeah, you might have done things a little backasswards, but a friend is a friend – no matter how you make it. If you like the guy enough that you want to see him clothed, that is. However, don’t think you’ll ever REALLY forget that you guys did it. You won’t. And neither will his new GF when the three of you are sitting around pounding beers.

If he’s an ex:

You’ve got your hands full now. Ex-sex is a hotly debated topic, and the general consensus is that it’s a definite no-go. But, since you’ve already done it, you have to deal with it. As awkward and awful as it’s gonna seem, you have to talk about it. Trust me, it’s better than awkwardly half-hugging goodbye, crying yourself to sleep and then having to avoid all the places that there is a minute chance you will see him.

Of course, I always recommend having sex with people you know and trust. However, I’m realistic and I know this isn’t always the case. Basically, though, I think that friends can stay friends after gettin’ a little too friendly, as long as both of you like, or, at the very least, respect each other.

As for me, I’ve learned that I need to keep my vay-jay-jay off limits to anyone I consider a “friend” for a pretty long time.

What about you girls? What are your experiences with staying – or becoming – friends after sex?

So, I’m the queen of bad decision making. I probably shouldn’t embrace this to the degree that I do, but screw it; I think with my vagina sometimes and I love being spontaneous.

When my ex-boyfriend offered to buy me a plane ticket to go visit him for a few days, I knew exactly what was up. We’d had some sexy online conversations during the recent months (in fact, I even blogged about our sexy confrontations a few times before) and sex, after all, was what had kept us together (in my opinion) when we were dating. I accepted the offer, hopped on the plane and wrote the whole thing off as a vacation in my mind, even if nothing more happened.

But of course more did happen. Of course we had sex multiple times in multiple ways in multiple places. Of course we cuddled and reflected on days of old. Of course things felt the way they felt when we dated.

Yes, I know that everyone thinks this is a bad idea, but after having spent some time and thought on this recent voyage of mine, I believe ex-sex can be done, if you do it right. If you are considering it, don’t write it off just yet; I’ve got some tips for a successful trip down memory lane:

1. DON’T PUSH BUTTONS

Chances are, you and your ex know exactly how to push each others’ buttons. People you date tend to learn these kinds of things. I found my ex and I trying to make each other jealous (or angry) at every chance without any real explanation why. We were bickering like an old couple over matters as simple as which movie too watch. We know precisely how to get under each other’s skin, which wasn’t the best way to approach our new casual status.

2. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE

Back when you two dated, sex was probably an expression of your love and/or appreciation for each other. That was back then. NOW, sex is an expression of…lust. Don’t confuse the kissing or cuddling for emotional attachment…you’ll just be setting yourself up for heartache.

3. DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU’LL REGRET

Just because you’ve done ‘everything’ with your ex before doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good about doing ‘everything’ with your ex now. Weigh out the situation and only do what you’re comfortable doing because, trust me, if anything can make you feel dirty in the world of sex, it’s doing more than you really want to do.

4. TRASH YOUR EXPECTATIONS

It can be hard to move someone in your mind from the ‘committed’ category to the ‘casual’ category. However, if you’re going to have healthy sex with your ex, you have to accept that you have no entitlement over him and you can’t expect anything more than basic respect.

5. DON’T CLING

You’ve already been down that road. Have exsex if you want, but don’t view it as an invitation to start texting or calling all of the time. And don’t expect for your relationship to necessarily merge back into dating, either.

Having sex with exes, I’ve found, can be really emotionally heavy. But I’m a self-destructive train wreck at times and I do it anyway. If you’re going to (also) do it anyway, keep these things in mind.

I eventually had to weigh the pros and cons.

PROS

The sex with Brian would be wonderful.

Brian is incredibly well-endowed (adding to the wonderfulness of it).

It would be easy. He would be leaving town the next morning.

CONS

He would be 45 miles away.

The weather got crappy.

The two of us having real privacy would be a gambling game.

And still, the biggest question lingered in my mind:

Would it really be sex without strings attached? This was the guy who proposed to me, who offered to buy me a house in any city I wanted…I was the first girl he had said “I love you” to in his adult life. And then I broke up with him during that drunk text message.

Would it really be as easy as I thought it would be?

Considering the doubt in my mind, on top of the distance and crappy weather…I ultimately decided against it.

I would have loved to have had sex last night, but I think I made the right choice.