Question? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was dating this guy for a 3 years who was really awful to me, and I don’t know why I stayed, but I did. He always called me horrible names like ‘b*tch’ and ‘whore’ for no reason -  we fought all the time, and he accused me of being a horrible person. He wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends, and I was basically supporting him financially.

Last month he started getting a little physical. He pushed me during two different arguments. The final straw was when he put his hand on my throat during a fight. I got really scared and ended things.

For a month he called, texted and emailed nonstop. Until last week. He stopped all of a sudden, and I thought he had finally got the clue.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week when he suddenly showed up at my 21st birthday party. He knew about it, because I had invited him prior to our falling out. Even though I told him not to come when I broke up with him, he showed up and it was really weird. He bought me a present–this is the first time he has bought me anything– and hung around staring at me. I was uncomfortable and ended up going home early.

Now he thinks I’m dating someone new (I’m not), and he told me in the past that he would really hurt me if I ever was with someone else. I’m scared, but I don’t want to make a huge deal about it in case I’m wrong. Also, it’s embarrassing. What should I do?

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

CALL THE POLICE.

I am so not kidding. You SHOULD be freaked out. I’m freaked out, too. We’re all freaked out. This guy is potentially dangerous. Don’t take any chances, you hear me? There are too many tragic stories where a woman is too ashamed to report a man who ends up taking her life. You need to go to the police station and file a report. Get a restraining order if they’ll give you one. Change your locks. Change your phone. Ask the police for advice.

But please don’t wait. This guy sounds erratic, and he’s already been physical. Tell your friends what’s going on, so they can be on the lookout too. ALWAYS have someone walk you home or to your car or wherever you’re going–you don’t want to take any chances until things have been resolved.

You need to trust your gut here. He’s making you feel unsafe. That’s because this is an unsafe situation. You need to take all the help you can get. File the report and keep the police updated with everything he does that intrudes on your personal space. Do not give this guy an inch.

You only get one life. Take care of it. You were brave to end it with him. Don’t let him intimidate you–keep being the brave, strong woman you always were.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So my boyfriend of almost two years and I just broke up. I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have been literally devastated after a breakup. I’m in college and I can’t bring it in myself to do anything, except go to class and back to my apartment. I really love this guy and I want to help him realize that we should be together. The reason behind the breakup was because he let a girl (whom he has had past relations with) kiss his neck at a party that I did not attend. When he told me, I made a rash decision, freaked out and broke up with him. The next day after thinking about it I realized that I love him too much to let him go, and his actions honestly weren’t that bad (he had the courage to tell me himself).

When I talked to him the next day I gave him an ultimatum of either deleting the girl’s number or mine. And he chose to keep the girl’s number. He said it wasn’t because he wanted to be with that girl, but because his actions made him confused on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship right now. He says that he won’t have time to focus on me with graduation quickly approaching. While saying all of this he was crying, and before he left he said that he loved me and hopes that in the future he can try to work his way back into my life.

I honestly just want  to be with him. I don’t want to wait till later, and because it hurts too much I can’t just be friends with him. What should I do?! Please help!

Broken Heart </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I reallllllly hate to say this, but I think this relationship is over. I know he’s saying he wants to get together later, but that’s because he cares about you and is scared of being without you. Still, he — well — he WANTS to be without you. And he IS trying to tell you.

I think your best bet is to deal with this graciously. Don’t talk to this guy for a while — not out of anger, but for your own mental health. Look, girl, you are hurting. And understandably so. First dude lets some girl kiss his neck (wtfloop?!?!??!) and then he tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Those are both very, very hurtful things.

But he’s told you he’s not ready, and you have to accept that. I think you know, deep down, that this is not someone who is ready to be with you. And you don’t want to be with someone who chooses a neck-kisser and her phone number over you and yours.

You know, maybe, MAYBE this will all work out. It’s possible he’s just having a freakout as graduation approaches and he doesn’t know what he wants. But, to be honest with you, I think that what YOU want is someone who KNOWS they WANT YOU. You understand what  I’m saying?

You, too, are about to start a new life. When you graduate college, you enter a whole new world of adulthood. You want to be with someone who is sure of the two of you. You want a man, not a boy. And your boy is only now beginning to transition.

I know you’re hurting now. But give yourself some time. I know that’s hard to accept, but, I promise you, it’s true. Either he’ll come back into your life or he won’t, but, either way, if you give yourself some space, things will get better. Wait it out. Treat yourself. Baby yourself until you feel better (which, I promise, you eventually will). Let yourself heal.

And then find someone who wants you completely and who you want completely back. And I know you’ll be happy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc@gmail.com

[Lead image via Peter Bernik/Shutterstock]

Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.

Here’s an example.  One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc.  And it was so nice of him to say those things.  But it freaked me out!  I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it.  So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore.  (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)

I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left.  I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend?  What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him?  How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?

Sincerely,
Mistrustful Me

Dear Mistrustful Me,

Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.

It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.

In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.

I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.

Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.

However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)

On to the present.

Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.

So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.

HOWEVER!

There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.

And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.

I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My ex-boyfriend and I have turned friends with benefits. Me and my ex had dated for a year and a half, about half of the time we were at college in different towns. We started dating right after I came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly. In hindsight it was too soon for me to date again, but I was just glad to be moving on. We had a rocky month or two in our relationship with some dishonesty after we had been dating for four months. I had hooked up with one of my guy friends on my spring break trip after a long night of partying. I called my ex the next day and tried to explain to him what happened. I had never felt so guilty and ashamed about something. He was extremely hurt but we had a very strong connection and worked through it. We had an awesome summer together before we went off to college which made it extremely hard to cope with the fact I would only see him twice a month. I felt awesome when we were together and fell pretty hard for him.

During the fall semester, the same issue of trust and cheating arose again. Though I would think we talked things out, he could never quite let the topic go. Right after second semester started, things fell apart. My ex was struggling with some personal issues as well as his academics, the ongoing and recurring issue of dishonesty, and the distance took its toll. We broke up at the end of January of this year. But neither of us could let things go completely. We still talked and we saw each other once. It was so hard because despite all of the issues we had, we were so in love. And I know it doesn’t really make sense because if we were in love we shouldn’t have had our problems. But that was the frustrating part. We knew we shouldn’t have been dating at that point when we broke up but I still loved him.

In the beginning of March this year, after some pestering from my mother, I made the tough decision to actually break things off with my ex. No visiting or communicating for a while. I was so hurt that I broke up with him, still had  strong feelings
and I thought I needed to cut him off for a while. We went a few weeks without speaking and it was the hardest thing. I’ve been through a long-term relationship break up before and after a few weeks I was doing better. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself together after this one. I missed him so much and eventually caved and called him. He was relieved to hear from me and was a mess himself. Unfortunately he told me that he was talking to someone. He said he thought it would help him move on since he couldn’t get over me. They hooked up once but just became friends. My ex said he couldn’t be with someone else, even casually, when he still had feelings for me. We continued to keep in contact until we were both home for the summer in May. We have been hanging out now and I’m so happy. We aren’t dating and most of our friends don’t know whats going on. My parents also don’t know. They never really liked my ex and thought he consumed too much of my time. They also became increasing worried when me and my ex would argue or fight.

So here I am, still in love with my ex but we aren’t together. Will it ever be possible for us to have a normal relationship? Is what I’m doing completely insane? Should I just start over again and try to move on?

Sincerely,
Holding Out Hope

Dear Holding Out Hope,

Yes. Move on.

You cheated. You were dishonest. And now when you can’t have him, you want him.

I don’t think this is meant to be, HOH. You guys gave it a good try. But at this point in your lives, I mean, you’re both about to be away for college again. I don’t want to upset you, but what are you doing right now?

THIS IS A SUMMER FLING.

Everything’s lovelier when you know there’s a time frame!

So, look, enough with this shoop. If you want to keep hooking up with him, go for it, but, to be honest, I think you’re only hurting yourself.

Either way, keep this in mind:

You’re not fighting with him or cheating on him…because you’re not dating. Because there’s no pressure. Because you’re both going back to college in the fall.

Sorry, girl. Try again.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Kvetchion? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He broke up with me because I was too “emotionally unsound”, but in reality I found out he cheated on me. He denied it, and for whatever reason I wanted to believe he was actually a good person and it was just a rumor. Though I still became kind of upset. And that is the reason there was any emotional craziness coming from me. By that point, I knew for a while that we should break up, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We hung out every once in a while (and slept together a few times…’cause I was an idiot). Anyways, that’s not the point.

Eight months later, I was hanging out with one of my friends, and the topic of my ex boyfriend came up. This friend of mine told me the truth (he found out because he was cheating on his girlfriend with one of the best friend’s of the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with). At this point I became FURIOUS. I have never been so angry at the world before. My feelings were, “I can’t believe there are people in the world that do things that will obviously cause other people so much pain.” Cheating was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with (boy was I wrong). So I told him that I never wanted to see him again.

A month ago, I finally realized that in order to no longer be so angry I have to forgive him (which sucks, but as soon as I realized that I felt so much better). And then he randomly facebook messaged me. I replied, because I didn’t want to be rude. And we hung out, to talk, because I had a list of questions that I wanted answered (such as: Why did you cheat on me? Why with her? Did you ever actually love me? Etc.). But he STILL denied it. And that pissed me off again.

So I have some questions for you Tuffy…

First, I realize I did a lot of stupid things regarding him in the past, is there anything I am doing wrong now? Anything I should be doing better?

Where do you think i should go from here? (p.s. I have a class with him next month).

Why in the flippity flap is he still denying it? …The only reason I can come up with is that he thinks he can make his way back into my life enough that I’ll have sex with him again.

And lastly, this has kind of made me a jadded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?

You are awesome.

Thanks,
Angry bitterness

Dear Angry Bitterness,

Welp, you know people cheat. Your friend who told you knew because HE was cheating. Why, Angry Bitterness? Why are people so uncool?!

Every week, Tuffettes, I read your emails and I wish wish WISH people didn’t cheat. Sometimes, as in Angry Bitterness’s case, it’s the guy cheating, and sometimes it’s the girl cheating. Either way, I just want to scream–BREAK THE FLOOP UP!!! Wouldn’t that be easier than sneaking around behind each others’ backs?! And it would certainly save a lot on both heartbreak and money for STD tests.

But, hey, back to you.

Angry Bitterness, you are not doing anything wrong. But I think you need to readjust your thinking.

This guy is probably lying. However, did you consider the (very unlikely, I’ll grant you) possibility he may actually be telling the truth?

I mean, the convoluted way in which you found out–through a friend who is cheating with the supposed cheater’s cheatee’s best friend–makes it  a little hard to verify. And, I mean, you caught the guy. Isn’t it just vaguely, vaguely possible he DIDN’T cheat?

For the record, I think he did.

But it’s worth it to consider, I think. I mean, the fact is, the two of you are not together anymore. He broke up with you before all this nonshoop. If I were you, I’d go get tested for STDs (just in case!), decide to assume he probably didn’t cheat, and then move on with your life. No responding to emails or texts or Facebook messages or whatever it is you kids do these days. This guy is just another ex now. Forget him, forgive him if you must, and move on.

As for your class with him–well, don’t sit near him. Be polite but NOTHING MORE. Don’t talk to him. Don’t be friendly, but don’t be cold. Just treat him as you would any other casual classmate: polite and silent.

Finally, there’s a third part to your question, which I totally love: “And lastly, this has kind of made me a jaded person when it comes to fidelity and love. And it’s kinda sorta making my life extremely difficult and upsetting. Any advice for now and the future?”

YES advice. Advice is: DON’T be jaded. That’s really all there is. People bounce back from MUCH MUCH worse things than a college boyfriend who may or may not have cheated. Give yourself a little more time to mourn if you absolutely must and then CHOOSE to be cheerful. And, yes, in a pretty mild situation like this, it is absolutely your choice. CHOOSE to smile, CHOOSE to get rid of the toxic people and energy in your life, and CHOOSE to live your life in as positive a manner as you possibly can. I promise, that will make all the difference.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Goddess of Wisdom, Guardian of Common Sense, Destroyer of BullS***, Tuffy,

Recently my fiance dumped me. Or I dumped him. Or something. I’m not sure. He tried to blackmail me and shame me into doing things I didn’t want to do by threatening to leave me if I didn’t comply so I called his bluff and we went down in flames. And then I found out he cheated on me. But that’s not why I’m emailing you, Tuffy! I’m emailing you about what happened after we broke up.

After the breakup I started toying with the idea of moving 6 hours away to go back to college. I’d quit going because my fiance wanted me to spend more time with him (I know, I know. I was a stupid c**t. But hey. I was barely 19. And stupid. So, sooooooo stupid.) and after 3 years I had the chance to go back. I finally decided to grab a pair and do it when I noticed a startling trend amongst my friends.

I was being ostracized. Excluded. Left out. Sidelined. Even my best friend, who I’ve known since I was 13, had kicked me to the curb. (Self Preservation, I guess. She’s dating my Ex’s BFF.)

So Imagine my surprise when she showed up at my place with another friend of ours who was about to graduate high school. I was kinda surprised, but I took it in stride. We talked a bit and I asked when our friend’s graduation day was and how she was celebrating, but before she could say anything my best friend (who shall henceforth be called Heartless Bitch) interrupted her and said “All of us are going to the beach tomorrow.”

I was excited for about 3 seconds before she said “But you can’t go. [My Ex] is gonna be there.”

Zing! That hurt, but instead of showing it I changed the subject. “How is he? I haven’t spoken to him in a while.”

“Oh, he’s fine. I’m surprised, though. I thought he’d be more of a mess. It was both of you guys first serious relationship. I mean, he lost his virginity to you.”

It was at this point that our mutual friend dropped a bomb on me. “No he didn’t,” she said. “He lost his virginity to a guy.”

I think I must have had a stroke because I couldn’t move or talk. But I could still listen to the two of them argue about it. “No he didn’t. He lost it to her.”

“Dude, he tells everyone like it’s nothing. It’s common knowledge. I thought she knew.” For the record NO, I DID NOT KNOW. Then Heartless Bitch took one look at me and said “Well, we’ve got to go,” and walked out the door.

I didn’t hear from either of them for two weeks. In those two weeks I started packing my crap and prepared to get the hell out of dodge. When she finally did come around, unannounced once again, I politely asked her how her trip to the beach had been. She smiled and said it was great.

“Well I’m glad,” I told her. “I hope you had fun pissing your life away at the beach because my life was flashing before my eyes as I sat in the doctors office waiting to get a God D*** AIDS test.”

Then she had the audacity to ask me why I was mad at her. I’ll cut this part short and just say I ripped her a new one for being a shitty friend but she just kept deflecting, saying I didn’t look surprised and that she was busy with work.

I’m sorry, but if she found out her boyfriend lied to her and slept with another guy I’m pretty effing sure I’d make time to pick up the phone and make sure she was ok.

There are those who say I should forgive them (Heartless Bitch, My Ex, and all those shitty friends who abandoned me because I was too inconvenient for them to deal with) and try to fix things. I think they should get f***ed.

Am I right to keep on stepping and move on or should I forgive them and let bygones be bygones?

Yours,
Blindsided After The Breakup.

Dear Blindsided After The Breakup,

Wow. Your friends blow.

Yeah, go back to college. Do that. That seems wise. Stop wasting your time with these wastes of space.

Not like you even GET to waste your time with them anyway.

So, um, yes. GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I’d say, knowing you’re moving on and getting your degree (to have a better life, hopefully) and meeting people who don’t suck ash–well, yes. You should forgive them.

But for YOUR sake, NOT for theirs. And don’t even tell them you forgive them.

In fact, don’t tell them you were ever mad at them.

In fact squared, DON’T TELL THEM ANYTHING. Don’t talk to any of these people ever again. Put this flooped up bullshoop behind you and never look back.

Because, honestly, these people don’t deserve any space in your head.

This ex-fiance of yours sounds like just about the biggest tool I can imagine. (Oh wait, no, that’s your “best friend.” But we’ll get to that.) Blackmailing your fiancee?! Manipulate much?!?! And seriously–and this goes for ALL of you all–if anyone tries to force you to choose between them and something that you care about or that will significantly improve your life (like COLLEGE), this person is NOT deserving of your love and is, in fact, deserving of being totally dumped. Controlling individuals like this can also become dangerous so, please, if you spot yourself in this girl’s letter, get out of the relationship, and the sooner the better.

Also: What the hell, supposed best friend?! She KNOWS she’s being a jerk. And then she tries to justify it?! PLEASE. This is one selfish person if I’ve ever seen one. She clearly couldn’t care less about you. Block her on email. Defriend her on Facebook. Don’t get mad–just forgive her in your mind for being a complete waste of a person and then: Never speak to her again. EVER.

These jerks are purposely excluding you and not even trying to be nice about it. Um, they don’t have to invite you to the beach, but it would be nice, if they’re going to mention it, to (1) invite you somewhere ELSE to make up for it, and (2) DON’T TELL YOU CASUALLY THAT YOUR EX MAY HAVE HAD A SIMULTANEOUS RELATIONSHIP.

By the by, I do have to point out one thing. AIDS tests should not come about only when the guy’s had sex with a guy. Please get with the program. AIDS affects everyone who contracts it. It is NOT specific to the gay community. AT ALL. We are ALL at risk if we have unprotected sex. Don’t be a jerk.

But, back to your mostly-sympathetic question: Move on. Don’t bother hating them. Don’t bother anything-ing them. Go back to school and live well.

Besides, karma’s gonna get those mothafloopas. But don’t wait around to see.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

In the last year, it seems as though being single has been my specialty. While flings and hookups have come (pun intended) and gone, and dates have left me with some less than desirable memories, my current single status has remained loyally by my side. I’ve learned a lot in the past year and I’ve discovered that single girls around the world are all in the same fabulous pair of shoes.

Lesson 27: If He Wanted To Be With You, He’d Be With You

So there you are, another Friday night, another Lean Cuisine and bottle of red that you’ve already taken the liberty of gulping down as an appetizer. Content with your night but mostly with your wine buzz, just about to sink into the couch hoping for a marathon of the Real Housewives of Anywhere, your phone’s text message alert rings. Looking at the phone’s screen just long enough to know you should’ve known better than to look, you realize it’s your ex. Of course it is. It’s about that time again right? Every two months or so, he loves to check in with his favorite go-to line, “I’m thinking of you” (or if he’s drunk, “Im thinjing og yoi”) just long enough to make your head spin (on top of your wine buzz).

There will always be that one ex in your life that takes a socially unacceptable amount of joy in confusing the hell out of you. He’ll come out of nowhere and drop bombs about how he misses you but as soon as you call him out on it, he reverts to whatever excuse he’s got in his arsenal. If it’s not an issue with commitment, it’s a new girlfriend or some spiel about needing to “find himself.”

He has no problem saying things that make you believe he wants to be with you and yet there’s always something holding him back from actually being with you.

If you have yet to get to the point where his sporadic and cringe-worthy texts make you roll your eyes, you’re treading in dangerous waters – ones that may not result in heartbreak, but will certainly remind you of it.

As much as you’d prefer not to believe it, most of the time you’re dealing with a normal, typical, text-book douchebag, not some tortured soul out of an Arthur Miller play. While at first you may find it romantic as he texts you sweet nothings in the middle of the night, things you never thought he’d say again post-breakup, trust me, it’s only a matter of time until you’ll start to feel more like a dirty little secret.

Though there are very few exceptions, a general rule of thumb is that if he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. Don’t latch on to the excuses he feeds you about “needing to figure out who he is,” or “things being so complicated,” because the truth is his texts and his wavering feelings for you are the things that made your relationship (if you’re even allowed to call it that) complicated.

More importantly, there’s nothing fun about trying to be with someone who isn’t trying to be with you. It’s an exhausting life that borders on self-loathing and no matter how much he claims to miss you, it’s never going to be enough to truly make you happy. So next time he texts you in the middle of a perfectly single night, roll your eyes, get back to your regularly scheduled night of bad reality television and remember you deserve someone who wants to be with you…you know, in broad daylight and not through a text.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 26 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve always admired that you don’t hold back with your advice.  I can tell by reading your columns that you are strong, thoughtful, unafraid, and independent.  These are all things that I can be, that I consider myself to be – but sometimes, it feels like all that my independence and strength is really getting me is a lot of pain.

From friends to boyfriends to ex-boyfriends, I am a huge fan of forgiveness.  I forgive people in my life partially because I’m very religious and that is a part of my faith, but also because I’ve always been able to, and shouldn’t that be a gift that I embrace?  When I can, I forgive, even if that means that I can’t throw a satisfying fit and demand that people treat me better.  However, I don’t make the mistake of forgetting.  I acknowledge the flaws of the people I love and love them in spite of those flaws, as I would expect them to do for me.  Sometimes I wonder if this mindset makes my emotions easy to ignore.

I was just broken up with two weeks ago (we dated for only 3 months), and I have been trying very hard to work towards a friendship with him, because that’s something we both want.  However, it has been very difficult for me to move forward because he repeatedly makes me feel as though what I am going through does not matter to him.  When I told him I needed to talk with him, he shrugged me off and asked if it could wait, then, a few days later, allotted me 20 minutes to talk to him – which he didn’t show up for.  I’m disturbed by his treatment of me, and worried that I have somehow unintentionally “taught” him to treat me this way.  I was very patient while we were dating, would gently tell him when he was making me feel uncared for, and accept his apologies as long as I felt that they were truly meant.  He always genuinely cared, and even though he can occasionally be oblivious to others’ needs, he is always ready to help his friends when he is aware that they need or want support.

This is why his attitude and actions towards me at the end of the relationship and now have been so off-setting – and made even more so by the fact that he told me, when he broke up with me, that I was a “phenomenal girlfriend” because I was “always easy to deal with” (we broke up because he’s graduating).  I worry that, even though I consider my ability to forgive to be a strength, it is seen by others as a weakness.

If this was an isolated incident, I would be less concerned, but I often worry about similar things with my friends.  Sometimes I just want a friend who can support me the way that I support them.  I just want to talk to someone about the tough times I’m going through with my ex-boyfriend without them expressing confusion as to why I’m still wrapped up with being upset with him, or lean on a shoulder for more than a few minutes before they find something else to do.  I see them support each other, and wonder why they won’t do that for me.  They will run to my aid, and be on my side, but it’s always very short-lived and then I can feel them rolling their eyes and wondering why I’m being such a drama queen.  This even happened when a friend of mine from high school committed suicide last August – my roommate expected me to be better the next day, and couldn’t figure out why I was focusing on how different he looked in his coffin.  After these comments, I turned inward for support.  I cried in the shower instead of where people could see.  I don’t want to do this all the time, because it makes things even harder to deal with.

As I said earlier, I can tell that you are a woman who projects strength and confidence.  Am I somehow allowing the people that I love to walk all over me by being forgiving and self-sufficient?  How do you gain respect and care from the people that you love?

Sincerely,
Independent & Alone

Dear Independent & Alone,

You did not “teach” your ex-boyfriend to be a jerk. I have a feeling he had that covered waaaaay before he met you.

I agree that your ability to forgive is a strength. Girl, when you’re mad the easiest (and weakest) thing to do is blow up at the person you’re mad at or to take it out on someone else. But you’re able to take your upset and turn it around into something positive. That is so, so amazing. We should all learn to do that.

However, there is a difference between “forgiving” and “ignoring.” When these “friends” of yours do something that upsets you, are you just pretending it didn’t happen? I mean, yes, in that way, you ARE training them to act badly.

BUT!!! This is still NOT your fault. Just because you don’t act ruffled doesn’t mean you’re not upset, and people who care about you should know this. Your example about your friend committing suicide (I’m sorry for your loss, by the way–that’s awful) is really disturbing to me–there is no way in HELL your roommate honestly thought that wasn’t a big deal, especially ONE day later. This is a person who doesn’t want to deal with your stuff, even if your stuff is rare.

Which brings me to my point, honey: You’re making the wrong friends.

I mean, okay. Let me rephrase. The friends you have are being completely insensitive. You should give them another chance, however, because, well, you’re right–you’ve been letting them think that’s okay. If there’s something bothering you, TELL THE PERSON. Explain that they’ve hurt your feelings, and THEN forgive. But don’t just ignore the whole thing and steam in silence. These people have come to expect a certain kind of behavior from you; you’ve got to TELL them when there’s a problem.

After you’ve told them and forgiven them (after they’ve apologized!)–well, that’s it. If they act insensitive to you again, you know this is a person who honestly can’t be bothered to care about your feelings. And that’s the end of that.

Don’t keep being friends with people who don’t care how you feel. Really. There’s no point. It’s like eating a raw egg that you know has salmonella.

You need to start thinking about the QUALITY of your friendships. Does someone clearly not care about your feelings? Stay acquaintances but begin to distance yourself. There’s no need to make a scene or have a huge blowout. Just start thinking about what you want in a friend and start looking for it–and stop taking substitutes.

And by the by, stop forgiving everyone just because you can. You’re not a saint, yes? Forgive people for YOURSELF if you need to–no reason to stay angry–but don’t let it become self-righteous. Because you SO do not want to be a martyr, hanging around people you’re secretly upset with. Clearly the people you’re talking about are taking advantage of your good nature and you know it, which is why you wrote. Staying close to them because you say you’ve “forgiven” them but still being secretly upset doesn’t count.

Seek out people who care about people, like you do. You’ll be SO much happier. You are just as deserving of respect and support as everyone else. Find friends who WANT to give it to you. Ashholes need not apply.

Speaking of which, your ex? Don’t be friends with him. Poop in his sock drawer and get on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

This song has been in my head for weeks, probably because perfectly describes what I’m living through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend.

Except not really.

Long-distance was not working out for us, so we tried an open relationship. When that didn’t fix anything, I ended it… two days before going to visit him for two weeks. Awkward much? I visited and we carried on like nothing had changed, promising we would start acting broken up once I left.

I’ve been home for over a month now and we still talk every day. He asked me to be his Valentine. I’m visiting over spring break, which also includes our one-year anniversary, and we’re still celebrating it. I’ve been on two dates, and each time felt like I was cheating. How could anyone call this broken up?

My situation may be especially strange, but I know many of my friends have been in similar positions. It’s hard to let go of someone, and usually that means a break up is more of a process than an event. You end things, cry, drunk dial, cry, sleep together, cry, keep sleeping together, get it together, stop sleeping together, move on. It ends up looking something like this.

And now that I’m in it, I’m confused. I know that I’m probably not going about this right, but I’m not sure what right is.

Can break up sex be right?

What do you girls (and guys) think of sex with a recent ex? Is it a normal part of the break up process? A good way to get closure? An immature means of trying to hang on to the past? A sign of a deep fear of being alone?

I personally think it varies for everyone. I have friends that have had break-up sex once, then moved on and never looked back. I’ve also had friends that have kept sleeping with someone who broke their heart hoping he would change his mind. How do you know which one you’ll end up being?

This is one topic I’m just not an expert on, so I’ll leave it up to you guys to debate in the comments.

Break-up sex: good or bad?

From conversations with my girl friends, I’ve deduced that “closure” is when you can finally move on from a failed relationship. My friends have described it as the feeling you get once you can finally put the relationship behind you and say goodbye to an ex for good.

But how do we get there? When does that come? And how do we know? Does closure really mean we have to say goodbye to move on? Does it imply that women must kick someone out of their lives to move on with their own?

Well if so, I’m screwed.

My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for years and he is still a sporadic fixture in my life. I met him in elementary school, fell in love with him when I was 16, and now I’m 21 and he is still around. He’s faded into the background a bit, but he’s most definitely still in the picture.

And despite having him around, I am honestly, 100% over him. After a few years of messy friendship and the occasionally stupid hook-up, I finally got over it (hallelujah!) and moved on. I slowly but surely pulled myself together and was happy being single and on my own. After that, I dated and even fell in love again.

However, according to the unwritten Laws of Closure, I am not over him because he is still in my life. My friends are constantly worrying that he’s just trying to get me back and that I need to be rid of him to be truly over him, but that doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

I mean, come on, ladies – can’t we be strong enough to move on from a past relationship without disregarding the ex?

After all, we all learn from every relationship, good or bad, and in some ways are changed by it. It is impossible to be so open with and connected to someone without it altering us. Should we dismiss someone who helps shape who we become? And just because a relationship doesn’t work out, does that mean that no relationship with that person can? Being a boyfriend is a lot different than being a friend; why can’t we get closure and still hold onto the friend?

I’m sure that it’s a whole lot easier to pick up the pieces and move on after a break up without the other person around, but I am proof that it’s possible to move on and have your closure without banishing your ex to the island of failed relationships.

What do you think? What does it take to get a little closure around here?