We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick. Read More »

According to every single headline I’ve seen this morning, it seems that there is an outbreak of something called the Swine Flu. I don’t really know what it is (or what pigs have against us…besides the fact that we only like them for their fatty and delicious goodness), but my finger started hurting last night and I can only assume I have caught it.

Schools and businesses are being closed because of this sitch, and people from NY to Chicago are walking around town with SARS masks on.

But while the rest of the world is freaking out, I couldn’t be happier.

Seriously, schools and businesses are closing? Holla back, y’all. This swine flu is the perfect excuse for just about anything this week and I plan to milk it for all it’s worth: Read More »

In this week’s In Touch magazine, a “friend” of John Mayer explains that the reason he is often so distant and, well, douchey, with his girlfriends is because he had his heart stomped on at 16. He was madly in love, something went wrong, and he promised never to have his heart broken again.

Awwww.

I bet that made you melt, right? I mean, it’s adorable and endearing that heartthrob John Mayer had his widdle heart bwoken! And it finally explains everything from Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Aniston and all those girls in between! It all makes sense. You are totes on Team Mayer now, aren’t ya?

Well not me. Read More »

Seriously, how awkward is the break-up convo? In the words of 90s one-hit-wonder Nada Surf, “even if you’ve gone together for only a short time, and haven’t been too serious, there’s still a feeling of rejection when someone says she prefers the company of others to your exclusive company.”

Sometimes, I think finding out that your mate has cheated is a blessing in disguise, because you can sidestep the entire “this isn’t working” discussion and end things in an explosive fight instead. Of course, for those of us who just had to choose nice, faithful boys, it can be hard to let the poor guy down. So, we make up excuses. Sometimes we even lie. Read More »