I might be twenty-two years young, but I’ve had my share of relationships, and I’d like to think I’m a pretty decent ex. I don’t harbor bad feelings toward anyone I’ve dated, even the really douchey guys (you know who you are). Sometimes you can manage to be friends with an ex. For example, I’m really good friends with an ex of mine, and it’s not weird at all. And then sometimes there are those exes where you want it to be weird, because maybe they’re a little bit into you still, and you’re not feeling it.

It’s pretty much a guarantee that I can make any situation awkward if I try. What’s that saying? It’s only as awkward as you make it? Well, my friends, I can make it awkward. And so can you! There are a ton of ways to make things awkward with your ex.

Read More »

When it’s over, is it over forever? Can’t there be a way to forgive and forget? Forgive and move forward? There’s no question that a lot of people do attempt to cultivate a second, third…twenty-fifth, chance with an ex, but it never seems to work out. This isn’t rocket science (though I’ll bet rocket scientists would have a hard time identifying all the variables in this equation), whatever the problem, so there has to be a way to solve it. Well, dear readers, I give you a bit of a cautionary — yet hopeful — guide to the risks and rewards of getting back with your ex.

Motivation. The why. Before you’re rushing back in, you’ve got to look at what’s got you so eager. If it’s loneliness, don’t. If it’s fear of being alone, don’t. If it’s because you’ve got nothing better on your plate, don’t. You broke up for a good reason, perhaps several. What’s changed since? 99 times out of 100 you can’t, and shouldn’t, jump back to the place you left things, after all it was the place you left things…the bad place. No one wants to go to the bad place! There was something you wanted and didn’t get, or something you needed that you hadn’t had, and the question is whether or not you’ve gotten it on your own and can move forward, or you’ve compromised on how to attempt to fill those voids for each other. Read More »

Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

I’m just going to jump straight into the situation. I’ve known this guy since 6th grade and we’ve always been good friends, until he told me he liked me about two years ago. After that, things changed. He started calling and texting more and we became close and started dating. After about a year of dating (non-exclusively), he told me he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and I was really hurt by this. I stopped talking to him and he got back together with her, and by then I loved him. After they broke up in June, I still hadn’t talked to him because I was mad/hurt/upset, but I still loved him (only God knows why!). About two weeks ago I texted him to invite him to my best friend’s birthday but I never heard back — of course. So last night I hung out with our mutual friend Jamie and she told me that he might’ve gotten some chick pregnant (not his ex, some random chick)…and I knew nothing about it — that’s why he’s been so distant. So I texted him asking him to come to the bar and we had this super long conversation about life, dating and he said he still liked me. I said I still liked him and I’d be willing to try dating him again. Later that night, after a few (ok about 7) drinks, I posted on his Facebook wall a few comments about coming to the bar and attending my best friend’s birthday party on Saturday. I woke up today and see that he deleted me on Facebook and now he won’t talk to me.

Why is he doing this? We talked about non-controversial things–I didn’t even bring up the pregnancy, and he still shut me out. I apologized for anything I might’ve said to him to make him delete me and he said “it’s alright” but apparently it’s not if he deleted me! Do you have any advice about this situation?

I still love him, and he likes me but I don’t know how to go about hanging out with him again — what did I do wrong to make him delete me off of his Facebook? I know this sounds childish and stupid but that was one of the two forms of communication we had. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate some advice.

-Confused and Perplexed.

Dear Confused and Perplexed,

It’s not you, it’s HIM. It’s all HIM. You know how they say it takes two to traumatize — well, yes and no — in this case it really took mostly HIM. His sh*t. His chaos. His dumbass. His issues. HIM. Got that? Don’t go digging for guilt because, trust me, you’ll always get a shovelful if you want it. Right now, you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective: yours.

Most likely, his meeting with you was something he was keeping secret from someone else (the ex, the mother of his child, or maybe someone else entirely) and you probably popped his lying bubble. So, don’t go blaming yourself. Most likely he was doing something that you threatened to undo, so he cut his losses. Jackass.

There are two issues to be deal with, IMO. First, he’s a jackass. You’re caught up in his emotional jackassdom. Why would he delete you off Facebook if you’ve done everything right? Because he’s got a lot going on and, in his mind, you’re a major complication. Doesn’t mean you are. Although, if he’s got a baby mama to deal with then maybe you are. I don’t know. You don’t know. You may never know. Most importantly, you don’t want to know. Don’t let yourself get sucked into his mess. Then, it’ll become your mess and is that what you want?

The second issue we’ve got here is your inability to let go of him. He has hurt you, betrayed you, used you, and not broke all contact. If there was ever a time to truly move on, this is it. You can always think nice thoughts about the way things were, but he’s not a realistic option and he sure isn’t going to be. You can want to have him in your life but that doesn’t mean he wants you in his life. It also doesn’t mean he’s healthy for your life. And his choice doesn’t necessarily have to have a damn thing to do with anything you did. So here we go: YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. Repeat that over and over again to yourself. You’re not responsible for his choices. You’re not to blame for his absence. He didn’t reject you because of something you did. Done.

Here’s the next step: moving on from him. Mourn it for a little while, go out with some friends and reconnect with yourself. This is a chance to be free of his chaos, lies, and your need for his acceptance. It’s a one way street from here on out. SpeedRacer through it with the top down.

Welcome to the rest of your life. Now live it.

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

You know that guy you casually dated for a few months a few years ago? That guy you really, really, really liked but you didn’t know how he felt so things just never worked out for you two? And then after things ended, you were both really awkward around each other but you always wanted another chance with him? Imagine if he died, completely unexpectedly. This is what happened to me. A guy I casually dated for a couple of months named Zack died in a car accident two months ago, and getting over him has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I can’t help but think that I am obviously not the only girl who’s ever been in this situation. So how do you get over the death of someone you had a very complicated history with? Here’s my story:

Zack and I knew each other in high school and when we ran into each other a few years ago, we started talking, resulting in what should have been just a one-night stand. Instead, we eventually started hanging out again last winter. Zack had basically every quality that I was looking for in a guy: he was cute, funny, very friendly, dedicated to his work (as a martial arts instructor and fireman), and similar to me in a lot of ways. I fell for him hard, but for some reason, our casual dating never turned into anything serious. We tried the whole friends-we’ll-see-where-things-go thing, but it got awkward because I was really hurt. That feeling came out as anger and soon we stopped speaking. Zack was truly a great guy and while I know he would have been nice to me if we spoke, things were just awkward. I ignored the happy birthday I got from him on my b-day, and the very last time I saw him, I went out of my way to avoid him. Read More »

Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
I have a new boyfriend and things are awesome, but there’s a problem. Let me preface this by saying I tend to be the problem in my relationships because even though I’ve never been cheated on or truly hurt, I still have a problem trusting guys for some reason.

With this new guy, he’s never really done anything physical with women before because he believes in waiting until marriage, and he’s never said ‘I love you’ before me. We haven’t been dating that long but we’re getting pretty serious already and he’s professes to be in love with me and wants to marry me. We’re also getting physical. So, it seems like he’s crazy about me but there’s one thing that keeps bugging me: he never talks about his exes. The only one he’s ever mentioned is now married to one of his friends. I asked him why he’s so secretive about his exes when I’m open about mine and he says “they’re not worth talking about” and “I still talk to some of them and I don’t want you to hate them.”

Is this something I should be worried about? I love him and trust him not to cheat on me, but I’d hate to be someone he settles for while being hung up on an ex he can no longer have. It could be my usual paranoia but I want to get some outside advice to make sure this isn’t a legitimate problem and I refuse to unload all my neuroses on him. Please help!!!!

-Trying not to fixate

Read More »

Dear Dude,

So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for awhile now, and things are really great. We live an hour away from each other and he makes the effort to drive to see me every week for at least a couple of days at a time, sends me flowers at work, and calls me a few times a day at least. We have a very honest relationship, and share pretty much everything with each other. I really couldn’t ask for a sweeter boyfriend, or a better relationship.

Ever since we’ve started seeing each other, I’ve noticed something a little weird though. He talks about his exes, a lot. He’ll bring up random comments (“that house looks like ___’s house”) or just tell me stories when something reminds him. It’s mainly two girls that he talks about, that he was with for 3 and 5 years. Honestly, I really don’t want to hear these stories; I know everyone has a past and I’m okay with that…but I just don’t care or want to know about it. The relationships with these girls ended years ago. On top of that, I made a passing mention of my ex’s name once and he got so upset! He told me he doesn’t want to think about it, and that it upsets him hearing it.

Is he not over these girls, or was he just with them for so long that he’s used to bringing them up in conversation? What’s his deal!

- Keep It To Yourself Read More »

You date, you learn. And you’d think that the people you date will just vanish of the face off the earth, because it’s only polite, right? You dealt with the waves of nausea and anxiety during the end-phase, and so they should bother you no longer.

“Should” being the key word.

I’m a fan of amicably parting ways, sure, but when you pointedly don’t is the guaranteed time that son of a bitch will come back to haunt you. So as a preventative measure you weed them out. You try to be proactive and delete them from your phone—number, email, all of it, and even those text messages and voicemails you like to listen to.

Have faith, you’ll find a new distraction, let down your guard because this one’s different, and the cycle can repeat itself all over again. Joy. In any case, you make moves and move on, and the ex, or pseudo-ex, or whatever you called him is but a distant memory.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the weeding out can bite you in the ass. Please, dear readers, learn from my mistakes. Read More »

I would have never dated me three or four years ago. Sure, I was lovely in most ways and I was a catch in most ways, but there was one little thing about dating that I just didn’t get: being friends after the breakup.

When my heart was broken before, I knew exactly how to manipulate the story to victimize myself and follow up with passionate vengeance. I never even gave a guy a fair chance to break up with me without it being ugly. And looking back on that, it makes me thoroughly sad.

These days, I understand relationships as more than ultimatums or pending doom and broken heartedness. Now I get it.

If I was that close to a guy before, close enough to let him be the only boy I would even kiss, he must have had something to contribute to the world and my life more than sex, right? Right. So why would I cut all of those positive things out of my life just because we made a decision to end the intimacy?

Upon realizing just how much I was giving up when I cut off all ties with my exes, I began changing my ways. I am now friends with all of my exes; yes, every last one. I have rebuilt the bridges I burned and, in fact, just hopped on a plane last month to go visit my most recent ex. As a FRIEND. And we had a great time!

When you are of the mentality that you can’t be friends with a dude after you break up, you are already hindering your relationship. You are already screwing up its natural course of growth and making aspects of the relationship ugly that don’t need to be. Damning your post-breakup relationship to Hell is not only immature, but it’s sad; if you liked a guy enough to date him, you should like him enough to be there for him when you’re done dating one another. Read More »

Sometimes you fall in love. And sometimes you get your heart broken because you fell in love.

You recollect the pieces of yourself that the relationship scattered all over and eventually, you become stronger and you move on. You start to like other guys and you begin to wonder what it was that possessed you to the point of tears over ‘that’ guy before…

He treated you like crap.

He made you cry.

He was the one always screwing up and then the whole thing finally ended — exploding, despite your efforts to make it work.

You get over it.

And then he comes back. Read More »