Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

I’m just going to jump straight into the situation. I’ve known this guy since 6th grade and we’ve always been good friends, until he told me he liked me about two years ago. After that, things changed. He started calling and texting more and we became close and started dating. After about a year of dating (non-exclusively), he told me he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and I was really hurt by this. I stopped talking to him and he got back together with her, and by then I loved him. After they broke up in June, I still hadn’t talked to him because I was mad/hurt/upset, but I still loved him (only God knows why!). About two weeks ago I texted him to invite him to my best friend’s birthday but I never heard back — of course. So last night I hung out with our mutual friend Jamie and she told me that he might’ve gotten some chick pregnant (not his ex, some random chick)…and I knew nothing about it — that’s why he’s been so distant. So I texted him asking him to come to the bar and we had this super long conversation about life, dating and he said he still liked me. I said I still liked him and I’d be willing to try dating him again. Later that night, after a few (ok about 7) drinks, I posted on his Facebook wall a few comments about coming to the bar and attending my best friend’s birthday party on Saturday. I woke up today and see that he deleted me on Facebook and now he won’t talk to me.

Why is he doing this? We talked about non-controversial things–I didn’t even bring up the pregnancy, and he still shut me out. I apologized for anything I might’ve said to him to make him delete me and he said “it’s alright” but apparently it’s not if he deleted me! Do you have any advice about this situation?

I still love him, and he likes me but I don’t know how to go about hanging out with him again — what did I do wrong to make him delete me off of his Facebook? I know this sounds childish and stupid but that was one of the two forms of communication we had. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate some advice.

-Confused and Perplexed.

Dear Confused and Perplexed,

It’s not you, it’s HIM. It’s all HIM. You know how they say it takes two to traumatize — well, yes and no — in this case it really took mostly HIM. His sh*t. His chaos. His dumbass. His issues. HIM. Got that? Don’t go digging for guilt because, trust me, you’ll always get a shovelful if you want it. Right now, you’re looking at it from the wrong perspective: yours.

Most likely, his meeting with you was something he was keeping secret from someone else (the ex, the mother of his child, or maybe someone else entirely) and you probably popped his lying bubble. So, don’t go blaming yourself. Most likely he was doing something that you threatened to undo, so he cut his losses. Jackass.

There are two issues to be deal with, IMO. First, he’s a jackass. You’re caught up in his emotional jackassdom. Why would he delete you off Facebook if you’ve done everything right? Because he’s got a lot going on and, in his mind, you’re a major complication. Doesn’t mean you are. Although, if he’s got a baby mama to deal with then maybe you are. I don’t know. You don’t know. You may never know. Most importantly, you don’t want to know. Don’t let yourself get sucked into his mess. Then, it’ll become your mess and is that what you want?

The second issue we’ve got here is your inability to let go of him. He has hurt you, betrayed you, used you, and not broke all contact. If there was ever a time to truly move on, this is it. You can always think nice thoughts about the way things were, but he’s not a realistic option and he sure isn’t going to be. You can want to have him in your life but that doesn’t mean he wants you in his life. It also doesn’t mean he’s healthy for your life. And his choice doesn’t necessarily have to have a damn thing to do with anything you did. So here we go: YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. Repeat that over and over again to yourself. You’re not responsible for his choices. You’re not to blame for his absence. He didn’t reject you because of something you did. Done.

Here’s the next step: moving on from him. Mourn it for a little while, go out with some friends and reconnect with yourself. This is a chance to be free of his chaos, lies, and your need for his acceptance. It’s a one way street from here on out. SpeedRacer through it with the top down.

Welcome to the rest of your life. Now live it.

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Zack and I knew each other in high school and when we ran into each other a few years ago, we started talking, resulting in what should have been just a one-night stand. Instead, we eventually started hanging out again last winter. Zack had basically every quality that I was looking for in a guy: he was cute, funny, very friendly, dedicated to his work (as a martial arts instructor and fireman), and similar to me in a lot of ways. I fell for him hard, but for some reason, our casual dating never turned into anything serious. We tried the whole friends-we’ll-see-where-things-go thing, but it got awkward because I was really hurt. That feeling came out as anger and soon we stopped speaking. Zack was truly a great guy and while I know he would have been nice to me if we spoke, things were just awkward. I ignored the happy birthday I got from him on my b-day, and the very last time I saw him, I went out of my way to avoid him.

When I heard the news that Zack had died in a car accident, all I could think about was all of the things I had done wrong in the past year — how many times I had the opportunity to approach him, how many times I could have made things right. Since we had ended things I had never gone very long without thinking about him. I had feelings for him up until I met my current boyfriend. Every time I had gone to the bar we always went to together, I hoped he would be there. I had always, in the back of my mind, hoped for us to make things right one day, and I never had any doubt that we would. I had always thought I just needed to get over my feelings for him and get the guts to say I wanted to be friends with him again. As dramatic as it sounds, I really did wait too long, and now I’ll never have that chance.

This is what I’ve learned the past two months for anyone going through this the same situation:

Realize you have a right to be heartbroken. When I saw all of his ex-girlfriends at the funeral, I felt stupid for being so upset. Those girls were with him for so much longer than me, and I felt like I didn’t have the right to be as sad as I was. I now know it’s silly to think that — I can feel however I want to about Zack, regardless of the fact that we never made things official or were as close as he was to other people.

You have to think about the good things instead of focusing on the bad things. For the first few weeks, all I did was think about the arguments we had. Once I finally started letting myself remember all of the good things that I had made myself forget in trying to get over him, I realized how happy I was that we had spent time together. I had thought that remembering the cute things he said to me or how much fun I had with him would make me even more sad, but I was wrong. Focusing on my regret was what was really making me miserable.

Hold on to some things, but don’t be obsessive. At first, I couldn’t stop reading Zack’s Facebook — I read every single wall post he got after he died. Reading those were torture. You can’t let yourself get sucked into that, because when it consumes you, then you’ll never feel better. But there are some things you should never let go of — I have one of his favorite sweatshirts that he gave me, and I know I’ll never get rid of it. I also have a pair of socks he got me (it’s a cute story), and messages from him that make me smile.

Don’t keep everything inside. I usually find myself not wanting to talk about Zack, but that’s because I assume it will make me even more sad. And while it does make me sad to talk about it, it kills me to keep everything inside. Take advantage of your close friendships and tell them exactly how you feel as often as you need to — it’s hard, but in the end, it will be like a giant weight was lifted off your chest.

Find a way to apologize that will give you closure. When someone dies who you were fighting with, it’s really hard to get over because you never got to apologize or tell them how much they meant to you, and that’s all you want to do. But you need to face the reality that you will never be able to — and you need to find another way to do it. For me, it was writing a seven page letter to Zack that explained everything. Figure out a way to feel close to the person in some way and tell them how sorry you are.

Learn to forgive yourself. This is what I’ve been trying to do, and it’s extremely tough. It’s only been two months, so I’m obviously not there yet, but eventually, I hope that I will be. I’m more angry at myself then I can explain, but at the same time, I realize that the past is the past, and I’ll never be able to change it. You need to accept that you might have made a mistake, but you need to move on.

Every day is a challenge when getting over death. Little things remind me of Zack all the time, and not one day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him. Going to the bar we used to go to is nearly impossible for me to do without going home to cry. When a close friend of his told me that Zack used to say that he really liked me and really cared about me, I felt more pain than I can express. For those of you who haven’t experienced this, I hope this reminds you to always tell the people you care about you’re sorry for that stupid fight and you love them — don’t have regrets.

Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
I have a new boyfriend and things are awesome, but there’s a problem. Let me preface this by saying I tend to be the problem in my relationships because even though I’ve never been cheated on or truly hurt, I still have a problem trusting guys for some reason.

With this new guy, he’s never really done anything physical with women before because he believes in waiting until marriage, and he’s never said ‘I love you’ before me. We haven’t been dating that long but we’re getting pretty serious already and he’s professes to be in love with me and wants to marry me. We’re also getting physical. So, it seems like he’s crazy about me but there’s one thing that keeps bugging me: he never talks about his exes. The only one he’s ever mentioned is now married to one of his friends. I asked him why he’s so secretive about his exes when I’m open about mine and he says “they’re not worth talking about” and “I still talk to some of them and I don’t want you to hate them.”

Is this something I should be worried about? I love him and trust him not to cheat on me, but I’d hate to be someone he settles for while being hung up on an ex he can no longer have. It could be my usual paranoia but I want to get some outside advice to make sure this isn’t a legitimate problem and I refuse to unload all my neuroses on him. Please help!!!!

-Trying not to fixate

Dear Trying not to fixate

Yes. You’re fixating. Yes. You’re paranoid. However, maybe – just maybe – you should be afraid, very afraid.

There is a point in almost every relationship where you feel like there’s something to prove to the other person. What do you do? What has he done for you to prove his feelings? He’s never told someone that he loves them, but he said the three little words to you (and he’s not even in a life or death situation like Chuck Bartowski). He’s saving himself for marriage, but he’s pushing the boundaries of chastity with you. Isn’t this enough? Must he complete 12 mythical labors to alleviate your fears and earn your trust (Heracles beat the crap out of Death to free Alcestis, make him drag race in a Prius).

What gives weight to your worries is the subject matter: The exes. Comparing exes can be like swapping war stories.  You open up your shirts to see whose scar is bigger or drop your pants to see who’s got the most shrapnel wounds. Then you laugh, you kiss, and you promise you’ll never hurt the other person like those damn Vi-ex Cong did (you mean it in the moment, at least). Here you are, stripping down for him but wait, why won’t he meet you half way?

The issue is that there’s an emotional boundary he won’t let go of. Why? Because he might have some unresolved issues with the ghosts of girlfriends past (do NOT see that Matthew McConaughey movie). If the past truly has nothing to threaten you with, odds are he’d be willing to open up about it.

I understand you’re not jealous of an ex since you can’t be. Jealousy is person to person. He hasn’t even given you a name to start plotting acts of terrorism against. What he’s done instead is made you distrustful of his commitment to you and the relationship.

We must return to the mantra that resolves all unknowns: communication is key. Talk it out! You have to keep asking him to open up the ex-files.  If he won’t then he’s withholding out of fear. Fear of what exactly? Could be he’s still involved with one or more of his exes. Could be because he’s hurt and bitter at the way things ended with the others. Could be because he’s afraid you’ll compare yourself to them and is worried you’ll start hating them for no reason. Could be because he’s an idiot. All you can do is explain that what you need is for him to be as open with you as you are with him.

Everyone is coming to get me,
The Dude

Dear Dude,

So, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for awhile now, and things are really great. We live an hour away from each other and he makes the effort to drive to see me every week for at least a couple of days at a time, sends me flowers at work, and calls me a few times a day at least. We have a very honest relationship, and share pretty much everything with each other. I really couldn’t ask for a sweeter boyfriend, or a better relationship.

Ever since we’ve started seeing each other, I’ve noticed something a little weird though. He talks about his exes, a lot. He’ll bring up random comments (“that house looks like ___’s house”) or just tell me stories when something reminds him. It’s mainly two girls that he talks about, that he was with for 3 and 5 years. Honestly, I really don’t want to hear these stories; I know everyone has a past and I’m okay with that…but I just don’t care or want to know about it. The relationships with these girls ended years ago. On top of that, I made a passing mention of my ex’s name once and he got so upset! He told me he doesn’t want to think about it, and that it upsets him hearing it.

Is he not over these girls, or was he just with them for so long that he’s used to bringing them up in conversation? What’s his deal!

- Keep It To Yourself

Dear Keep It To Yourself,

It is often helpful to think of men as dogs when regarding any relationship: we would do almost anything for bacon; we sometimes miss where we intend to pee; and, for us, 3 to 5 years is like “20″ in relationship years. You’re right- your boyfriend likely doesn’t realize how often he brings his exes into the conversation, nor how unbelievably annoying this may be. Men are creatures of habit…and sometimes our bad habits seem impossible to break. But don’t waste your time worrying about if your man has moved on from these women (or if he’s secretly still holding a torch for them)… the way he treats you (daily phone calls, kind gestures and generous long-distance efforts) shows exactly how much he loves you.

Nevertheless, this doesn’t change the fact that your boyfriend’s absent-minded “name dropping” habit is putting a damper on things. If you don’t bring this issue to him (openly, honestly and delicately), then you may find yourself burning your own huge torch of resentment pretty soon. So, sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him that you love living in the present with him (and feel so positive about your future), but you want to bring to attention how much he refers to the past.

Let him know that although you don’t want him to hide or repress his past, if he does want to go down memory lane with his exes, he needs to return the favor (and be ok with you mentioning former flames). Hopefully the idea can be discussed with an open-mind (without any fingers being pointed, defenses being raised or additional names being dropped), and you can move on from there on a more positive note. As long as your flowers aren’t addressed to one of these other women (or their names aren’t called out in bed)…try not to worry. In this case, his actions truly speak louder than words.

I think I’m done here,
Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

You date, you learn. And you’d think that the people you date will just vanish of the face off the earth, because it’s only polite, right? You dealt with the waves of nausea and anxiety during the end-phase, and so they should bother you no longer.

“Should” being the key word.

I’m a fan of amicably parting ways, sure, but when you pointedly don’t is the guaranteed time that son of a bitch will come back to haunt you. So as a preventative measure you weed them out. You try to be proactive and delete them from your phone—number, email, all of it, and even those text messages and voicemails you like to listen to.

Have faith, you’ll find a new distraction, let down your guard because this one’s different, and the cycle can repeat itself all over again. Joy. In any case, you make moves and move on, and the ex, or pseudo-ex, or whatever you called him is but a distant memory.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the weeding out can bite you in the ass. Please, dear readers, learn from my mistakes.

These days, I’ve been plenty distracted, and out of nowhere I get a call. The number wasn’t familiar, but come on; we all know those randoms who get your number at the bar and don’t call it for three-to-six months after the fact. I was feeling adventurous. I answered.

In retrospect, and even at the time, this was not a good idea. Don’t do this. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, a guy’s, but I couldn’t exactly place it. And here follows the dialogue:

Mystery Caller: So you’re number’s in my phone but I don’t know who this is. Did we maybe have a fun night together or something?

—At this point, you should regret answering and hang up. Me? Well, curiosity killed the cat, not the K, right?—

K: You’re not in my phone at all so I really couldn’t tell you. What’s your name?

—Continuing is worse than answering. But he sounded kind of attractive.—

Mystery Caller: [joking around, avoiding the question] I’m just trying to figure out how I know you. What’s your name again?

—First of all, homes, YOU called ME. This guy must’ve known SOMETHING. But I know this voice, and my chattiness and boredom win the inner debate. I do not hang up. Should this happen to you, Hang. Up.—

K: I’m K. Who are you?

Mystery Caller: K, this is [insert The Comedian, aka the crier’s, actual name here]. Does that ring a bell?

—Of course it does. I thought I’d never hook up again after that disaster. Why are you calling me like a year after the fact…?—

K: Oh…. Yeah.

Comedian: So did we have a fun night together or what?

—Do not be nice. But if you’re like me, and dumb enough to continue, you probably will be.—

K: I mean, that might’ve happened.

— And then you cried and it got too awkward to even talk. Where the eff are you going with this?—

Comedian: K, why don’t you tell all the people about that night—

CLICK. I snapped my phone shut and threw it as though it were burning my hand. “Tell the people”? That douchebag had his cell phone up to a microphone while he was PERFORMING A STAND-UP GIG.

I was used in a COMEDY BIT. A YEAR LATER! AND HE WAS THE ONE WHO CRIED!

And seriously? What kind of comedian makes calls as part of his routine? Oh, a BAD one. Who CRIES IN BED.

Rage is really not a strong enough word for this situation. Twenty minutes later I got a text saying he realized who I was and apologized, saying he’d explain but I’d probably think he was a bigger a**hole than I already did.

I’m not entirely sure that’s possible.

And a week later? To add insult to injury, I walked past him and his new girlfriend as I was leaving work. In a city of 8 million, this guy is one of the passers by. The guys from the past pop back up, when you least expect it and least need it. So how do you handle the ex encounter? Keep silent and keep moving, or by getting the last laugh?

[Photo courtesy of petermerry.com]

I would have never dated me three or four years ago. Sure, I was lovely in most ways and I was a catch in most ways, but there was one little thing about dating that I just didn’t get: being friends after the breakup.

When my heart was broken before, I knew exactly how to manipulate the story to victimize myself and follow up with passionate vengeance. I never even gave a guy a fair chance to break up with me without it being ugly. And looking back on that, it makes me thoroughly sad.

These days, I understand relationships as more than ultimatums or pending doom and broken heartedness. Now I get it.

If I was that close to a guy before, close enough to let him be the only boy I would even kiss, he must have had something to contribute to the world and my life more than sex, right? Right. So why would I cut all of those positive things out of my life just because we made a decision to end the intimacy?

Upon realizing just how much I was giving up when I cut off all ties with my exes, I began changing my ways. I am now friends with all of my exes; yes, every last one. I have rebuilt the bridges I burned and, in fact, just hopped on a plane last month to go visit my most recent ex. As a FRIEND. And we had a great time!

When you are of the mentality that you can’t be friends with a dude after you break up, you are already hindering your relationship. You are already screwing up its natural course of growth and making aspects of the relationship ugly that don’t need to be. Damning your post-breakup relationship to Hell is not only immature, but it’s sad; if you liked a guy enough to date him, you should like him enough to be there for him when you’re done dating one another.

“But how the hell am I supposed to stay friends with him?!” you ask.

Good question. Here are some of the things that worked for me.

1. Don’t talk for a 1-3 months after the intimate relationship ends. You’ll need this time to readjust and get your own personal life back.

2. Don’t feel guilty for seeing him as something different than your typical friend.

3. Be supportive of him and encourage his healthy relationships with new women.

4. Be a shoulder for him to lean on.

5. Don’t be cutting. Save the resentment for your diary; it’s over now.

6. Don’t try to get back together. You can’t be friends if you’re trying to be more than friends.

7. Try to avoid the ‘remember when’ conversations. They bring on emotions.

8. Avoid comparisons. Don’t compare your new guys to him, and don’t let him compare the new girls to you.

9. Distance yourself from his closest friends and family. That means no calling his sister for advice or taking his new GF out for ice cream every night.

10. Recognize what you’re doing. You’re salvaging a friendship; give it time.

Yes, that list is long. And yes it is full of very difficult tasks, but let me tell you – I’m a f*cked up emotional creature, so if I can swing this I know you can. You’re probably never going to be super psyched about your ex dating a new girl, nor will you ever lose ALL of the feelings you once had for him, but being friends with him is possible. And important. And part of growing up.

(Photo courtesy of Photobucket.com)

You recollect the pieces of yourself that the relationship scattered all over and eventually, you become stronger and you move on. You start to like other guys and you begin to wonder what it was that possessed you to the point of tears over ‘that’ guy before…

He treated you like crap.

He made you cry.

He was the one always screwing up and then the whole thing finally ended — exploding, despite your efforts to make it work.

You get over it.

And then he comes back.

I don’t know about you girls, but this seems to be the story of my life. All of my exes eventually come back around to me. Not just one or two…ALL of them (and there are a couple handfuls). They make me so sad that I can’t eat and then within a year, they’re flirting with me again, wanting to hang out again, telling me they’re sorry they didn’t realize before how good I was for them.

Is this out of the ordinary? Or do everyone’s exes do this?

It drives me crazy.

Dear Exes:

Try this next time: DON’T TREAT ME LIKE SH*T TO BEGIN WITH!

1. YOUR FRIEND’S ROOMMATE

In this wacky age of co-ed cohabitation, it’s common to spot a likely young man in your friend’s apartment. At first, it can seem natural to make out with him. You have so much in common! For example: you both spend a lot of time in his apartment! There is nothing more erotic, for two people, than seeing each other ALL THE DAMN TIME. Am I right?

I am wrong. Face facts: you are going to stop sleeping with this guy. I don’t know what you do with people you’ve stopped sleeping with, but I, being Amish, shun them for life. It is the only way. Unfortunately, this gentleman’s proximity to your friend means that, when you call a ceasefire on the boning – or when he calls it, which can happen – you’re going to have to stay friendly.

It’s going to suck.

2. DUDE YOU MET ON CRAIGSLIST

There is only one dude you meet on Craigslist. He has many disguises – horny lawyer, horny accountant, horny ice cream truck man – but he is the same dude. He’s a magical shapeshifter!

He’s also a shady perv. Dude You Met On Craigslist thinks that a perfect date would consist of tying you to his radiator and making you watch the puppet shows he performs with human organs. Some of them would be yours.

This may seem like a radical assumption, but I’ve had my fact-checkers look into this, and they concur: that dude you met on Craigslist is creepy.

Also, they are all dead.

3. YOUR CO-WORKER

Work, aside from destroying your soul, has only one purpose: to trap you in a room with random guys. Some of them will be hot.

You must not, under any circumstances, sleep with these gentlemen. Once the deed is done, you are going to be trapped with them, doing work, and while you’re supposed to be focusing on databases or cash registers or whatever the hell work things you have to do, you will be thinking one thing, and one thing only:

This person stuck his finger up my butt. For fun.

4. YOUR FRIEND’S EX

Yea, for it is written in the Scrolls of Amish Shaming: he whom my sister shuns, so shall I. ‘Tis a fine barn, English. Or something.

Therefore, when referring to your friend’s ex, you are allowed to raise the following topics:

A) His overbite. It’s so much more noticeable now that they’re not dating!

B) His hair – what was up with it? Do you think he made it look like that on purpose? If so, why?

C) The fact that he was an idiot man-child, whom you never liked, and that your friend could so do better than.

Here are the topics you are not allowed to raise:

A) The fact that you blew him.

For, as the Amish say: Lord, I shall cut a bitch if she doth touch Eric. Verily, mine good sickle shall take her down.

5. YOUR EX

For God’s sake, woman, have you no conception of Amish law? SHUN THE MAN! SHUN! SHUN!

Join the club.

I think a lot of us fear that there might be something wrong if we still have feelings for an ex, even years later.

Society tells us that we’re supposed to kick it and move on, that we should say “tough luck” if somebody dumps us, and that we should never again be tempted to kiss somebody we’ve ended a relationship with.

…For real?

Even though I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two and a half years, and I can’t imagine any scenario in which I would break up with him, I still feel a little wishy-washy about a few of my exes. Doesn’t everybody? Sure, there are a couple I’d just as soon never talk to again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about them every week or two (even if it is just in passing).

There’s one I think about almost every day, even though I wouldn’t date him again if somebody paid me ten million dollars. And then there’s the guy that I could swear still has a thing for me, because he’s continually trying to get us to meet up—and whenever we do see each other, he looks at me with Those Eyes.

So, the question that I have is: How can anybody be expected to “move on” so quickly when we leave such an extensive trail of emotions behind?

I know that it’s best for relationships to come to an end sometimes. But there are some things I will never understand, like how someone who breaks up with you can love you just the same as always one day and then not love you enough to continue the relationship the next day.

Romance is hardly a color-within-the-lines activity, I know. But I think if people stopped telling us to move on and started telling us to accept our conflicted feelings and work through them instead, we’d end up moving on much more quickly and easily.

CC readers, what do YOU think? Is it possible to just “move on”? What are some things you do to help yourself sort through feelings about an ex?