Now, dear CC readers, let’s be honest.  I think many of us have encountered a member of that misguided 21%.  Sure, he may be funny and intelligent and wildly attractive.  But when it comes down to seductive gestures and the main event, the dude’s got as much game as Snooki at a country club.

I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation somewhere for this significant discrepancy.  And I know the blame doesn’t entirely rest on the other side of the court, ladies.  Right now I’d guarantee men are insisting, “If she would just speak up, I’d know what she likes!”  Well, he’s right.  You need to open your mouth as frequently as you open your legs.  That being said, I think you’ll agree on the more frustrating roadblocks some guys just can’t seem to overcome:

He throws you on the bed with such passionate intensity…
Expectation: Excellent things are coming your way.  Records will be broken, perhaps a few lamps, too.  There’s no way you’re going to be able to walk straight tomorrow.
Reality: Homeboy hops right on and the whole thing is over in six minutes.  Bow chicka wow…eh.  You text your friends to see if they left for happy hour yet because, hey, the night doesn’t have to be a complete wash.

While you’re making out, things get a little handsy…
Expectation: Second base goes highly underrated, and you think you’ve found someone who agrees with you.  Sometimes it’s fun to just make out like teenagers on prom night.
Reality: Okay, you didn’t mean he had to be as clueless as a fifteen-year-old boy.  That poking is kinda annoying.  And…ouch…little aggressive with the boobs there, killer.

So you think you bagged yourself a winner…
Expectation: How can anyone who resembles Javier Bardem be a bad kisser?  Finally, someone who looks like he knows what he’s doing.
Reality: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Maybe that’s how they do it in España, but stateside we use a little less tongue.  You can’t even move your mouth to try some hands-on teaching.  The whole thing is really awkward so you just stand there and wait for the oral assault to be over.

You’ve thrown your inhibitions to the floor along with your clothes…
Expectation: He wants you to speak up in bed, well guess who’s getting bossy tonight?  You are.
Reality: You want to be on top, he keeps attempting to flip you to the bottom.  You want to start slowly, someone’s already nearing finish line.  No, just like the last dozen times, you don’t want him anywhere near your butt.  But yes, just like the last two-dozen times, he still tries.  FML.

To keep things interesting, you’ve decided to push the envelope.  Just a little…
Expectation: “You’re the coolest girlfriend/friend with benefits/random hookup ever!”
Reality: “You…want to do…what?” (He says sheepishly as he pulls the sheet up to his chin.)

Bonus: The Lingering Touch, aka Ghost Hands
All guys do it and I can’t figure out why.  Please tell me this happens to you, too.  It’s when you’re walking and a guy puts just the absolute tips of his fingers on the small of your back.  (I’m sorry, are you trying to subliminally steer me in a certain direction?)  Or when you’re sitting and he lays his hand ever-so-gently and very lightly on your knee.  (Or are you holding your hand above my knee?  It’s hard to tell.)

Fellas, if you’re going to make physical contact- please do so like you mean it.  Throw your arm around our shoulders, grab us by the waist, put your hands on our legs.  It’s okay to be a tiny bit rough, we won’t break.  Have some confidence.

"I will take the stairs" is more realistic than "I will workout 6 days a week."

With every new year comes a handful of far-fetched resolutions and often unrealistic goals we set for ourselves. We vow to be better in the new year: to be thinner, study more, drink less, exercise more, etc, etc. And then we throw them all away during our post-NYE hangover the next morning. What? It’s hard to eat healthy when the only thing that will make you feel better is a stack of chocolate chip pancakes and 5 strips of bacon.

If you’re tired of setting resolutions that never pan out, maybe it’s time to make a new resolution: to make more realistic resolutions.

Now, I’m not saying you should change your resolution from “I want to get better grades” to “I will sleep with my professor to get better grades,” just because it may seem easier. What I am saying is there are simple ways to improve your life without grand resolutions that you know you’ll never keep. Life is in the details and sometimes the smallest changes can have the biggest impact.

If you wanna see some real changes in 2010, start small.

Change Your Routine:
We are creatures of habit; it’s in our DNA. Although having a structured schedule is a great way to establish a healthy lifestyle, it also can lead to a mundane life. And one where everything remains the same. Try a new exercise (hula hooping is all the rage right now). Swap your lattes for a simple coffee (which will cut out some serious calories). Take the stairs to your dorm room instead of the elevator. Find a new study space. Just do something that will give your brain and body some new stimulation. The change will be small, but the results will be noticeable.

Declutter:
Clean your room or desk space. College dorms are small enough without all that extra junk lying around. Throw out all those red cups, donate any old and unwanted clothes to Goodwill, and reorganize your room. Studies show that our mental state often reflects our living space, so if you declutter your room you’ll feel less stressed and chaotic and more relaxed and rejuvenated for the new year.

Be LESS Available:
That’s right, I said it. Put the Blackberry away, Tweet less, Facebook less, and leave Gmail alone for 5 seconds. Focus on the people you’re with when you’re actually with them, instead of taking calls and texting all the time. Not only will your friends appreciate your attention, but your relationships will get a whole lot stronger.

Wake Up 30 Minutes Earlier:
Most people have no real time for themselves between getting ready in the morning, eating breakfast, and rushing off to class. Try waking up a half hour early and relax a little: read the newspaper, have a cup of coffee, watch Saved By the Bell reruns (everyone could use a little more Zack Morris in their lives), and start your day off slower than you usually do. If you start the morning off without a rush, you’ll feel happier and less stressed during the long work/school day. Less stress = more productivity.

See? It’s that easy!

What are your New Years Resolutions? Do you make any small changes that have BIG results?

But what does that mean? And how do we navigate the rocky waters of a serious relationship? The only guides we have are cheesy sitcoms. Do we actually need to exchange letter sweaters? Make a fuss on the six-month anniversary? Spend every waking moment together, or have our own time? Talk about every little detail of our childhoods? Can we disagree on something big and still be happy together?

It can be a difficult job to sift through what expectations to set in a healthy, supportive relationship. The important thing, however, is to do just that and have a clear idea of what your expectations are. If you’re expecting flowers every week but the significant other doesn’t believe in giving gifts, someone’s going to get their feelings hurt. Or if going out with friends of the opposite sex is upsetting for one person but not the other, some ground rules should be set. Living the monogamous life has plenty of pitfalls, but the smart, communicative couple can avoid most of them.

There’s no need to be mad jealous. The sitcoms always have a titanic rift in the relationship occurring if somebody goes out to a party without their s/o. Seriously, your boyfriend or girlfriend can have their own life. If you’ve got a ton of work and can’t go out one night, don’t guilt trip the other into staying home. If you both trust each other, there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with friends without one’s other half, even with members of the opposite sex. Unlike on TV, the mere presence of other girls will not make your boyfriend start salivating.

Talk things out, but also go to bed mad if necessary. The old proverb tells us never to go to bed mad and there’s something to be said for it; if issues are allowed to fester, they’ll eventually tear a couple apart. But it’s also smart to pick the right time to talk things out. If it’s late at night and you’re both stressed and exhausted, you’ll both just end up saying things you don’t mean and end up fogging up a problem rather than clarifying it. Agree to disagree until you’re both ready to tackle an issue.

Decide what your dealbreakers are. It’s important to know what you’re willing to weather and what you’re not. What are the problems or differences that would make you think the relationship would no longer work? It may sound grim to think about, but if you find yourself surprised by something you didn’t know about your s/o that leaves you wondering, make sure you know the difference between something that can be worked out and something that can’t. And be flexible! Surprises aren’t always a bad thing. In fact, it’s continually learning new things about your bf or gf that keeps a serious relationship fresh and invigorating. Not every difference is a dealbreaker.

Be where you’re needed. Ok, so you’ve decided you’re “going steady” now. It means committing to another person in a serious way – not just for having fun, but for the rocky times too. That may be the main difference between a fling and a serious relationship. In a fling, you stop being together whenever it stops being fun to be with that person. In a serious relationship, you’re there to be a shoulder to cry on and also an ear for complaints. Your bf or gf should support you, but that means supporting him or her just as much. In this egotistical age, we tend to forget that second bit.

Being in a relationship is great, but getting there totally sucks. You meet someone, start to like that someone and then go crazy trying to figure out if they like you, why they aren’t calling, if you should text them, if you should have kissed them, if telling them you love The Hills was too much information…

It sucks, which is why I think one-night stands are the way to go. Seriously, if you are safe (read: wrap that sh*t up) the one-night engagement is a total win/win. And here are 5 reasons why:

1. No expectations: When I meet a guy while ordering a round of Soco and Limes at the bar, I never think to myself, “Wow! He could be the one!” We both know that our relationship will last approximately 6 hours (if that long) and then we will both go our separate ways. No wondering when he’s gonna call, or if he also wants 2 kids and a Puggle. You do your thing and move on. The end.

2. You can try all those crazy positions: Since you’re never really gonna see the dude again anyway, why not try the Arm Chair? (Look it up.) If it goes poorly (and he ends up with a black eye) it doesn’t matter – you won’t be fraternizing with him again. And if it goes well you have mastered a new position for the next dude who buys you a cocktail.

3. It’s a good story: Good sex, bad sex or no sex (too much alcohol doesn’t always lend itself well to doin’ it) there will most definitely be a great story attached to it. And who doesn’t love a great hookup tale?

4. No late night food: Let’s face it; when you go home from the bar with the roomies someone always ends up making drunk dip/ordering a pizza. When you go home with a boy, however, food is the last thing on your mind. Unless it involves licking it off the other person. Plus, sex burns calories.

5. Learn what you like: Practice makes perfect and sex is no exception. The more you have, the more you learn, and one-night stands are the perfect study sessions.

They’re not happy until we’re miserable like them. They obsess over adding new couples to the guest list for charades or a round of Trivial Pursuit: the Pop Culture edition, and leave no stone unturned when seeking out converts-to-be. The most elaborate, and most obvious, baiting for information is the attempted nonchalant life inquiry. “So how are things? You know, work, your 401K…” Blah blah blah, quick segue: “You seeing anybody? Oh, really? Because I have this friend…” There is no question in my mind that every person who has been single for a minute of their lives has been hypothetically set up with “this friend.”

“This friend” gets around. Every couple known to man has tried their damnedest to set up “this friend” with a nice significant other to share in double dates and dinner party conversation, and smugly grin over such quality matchmaking they have mastered. “Well, Jenny and Matt actually met because of us. Funny story—Oh, no, you tell it, hon…”

The story is never funny. The story is a sham and you, my former favorite couple, are not the inventors of setting up friends. Nor should you strain your shoulder by patting yourself on the back. People need to hook up, it’s human instinct. You arranged sex for your friends to keep them from b*tching about the dating scene. It’s like keeping a child from screaming by shoving a candy bar in his mouth. This is not a novel idea.

But please. Go on. Tell me about “this friend.” I’m sure he’s attractive (once you get to know him) and so funny (about six cocktails into the evening). He’s just my type, if you take away all of my prerequisites and throw in some “tolerable” details. Maybe, in fact, we should just cut the awkward ‘date’ part and get down to business. Fact is, “this friend” really only cares that I’m anatomically correct, and that neither of us have gotten any in awhile. He deals with me being tall, and if I’m not his idea of pretty, he exaggerates a bit to his buddies. Everybody wins come morning.

I’m sorry, and I’m sure that my existence as a lone creature is nothing short of pathetic to you. But am I that desperate in your eyes? “This friend” is the best I can do now? Am I really there? Already? And even worse… am I that awful as just me?