Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m pretty sure you already answered a question like mine but I couldn’t find the answer, so here goes. I’m a high school senior applying to college and I’m having a bit of a problem with my safety school. It’s brilliant: great nightlife, safe area, amazing dorms and has a course that I love. One bad thing though: it’s my hometown. The dorms are down the road. The campus is a 10 minute drive from home. Not that I don’t love my hometown and my folks, but isn’t college my one chance to become independent and get a little space? When it comes down to it, I want to be able to stumble home drunk at 2 a.m and not have to worry about seeing people I know on every street corner.

Would staying in town for college be a waste of an experience? [Ed. Note: No! Just ask our commuter student!]

Should I apply to a worse school just because I don’t want to stay in my town? I mean, my folks think I should stay in dorms (and I will) but still. Any advice would be lovely

- Confused about College

Dear Confused about College,

Well, I’m more of a relationship columnist, but…well, I really like your question. So, okay, I’ll come at this from the angle of forming new (and dealing with old) relationships via college, yes?

Yes, a major function of college is to have new experiences. You may indeed feel the need to “stumble home drunk at 2am” (although, if you do, and this goes for ALL OF YOU, please NEVER NEVER do it alone!!! Stumbling in any condition at 2am anywhere is not safe enough to go it alone!!!), and certainly that is harder if you’re worried about running into people.

But, look, you’re certainly not gonna bump into your parents on campus. So that’s a plus. And I think it’s really great and supportive of them that they want you to live in a dorm even though the school’s so nearby. It’s cool that they want you to have new experiences without them.

This leads me to believe they’ll probably kinda leave you alone. So you can check that off your list of worries.

As for running into people you know from, say, high school–well, they’ll all be busy having their own new experiences. I doubt they’re gonna care what you’re doing, just as you probably could give a shoop about what they’re doing out at 2am.

Who knows? You might even find that, outside the context of high school, someone you’ve known for years and never connected with could be really cool. Old associates often become new friends.

And, honey–if it’s a good school, that, honestly, is more important. Don’t go to a worse school just to avoid old neighbors! Seriously, girl. You got a good head on your shoulders. Go to a good school and use it!!! Besides, it’s your safety school, yes? You may not even end up there.

Here’s to hoping you get into your first choice and have all the exciting, brand-new, branching-out experiences you crave and deserve! (WHILE, of course, maintaining your GPA!!!!!!!!)

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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Is the spring semester half over already? Sadly, it’s true. And while some of our peers will be looking forward to spending the summer at one pool party after another, many of us are currently scouring job listings for summer internships.

Internships are a great way to add experience to your resume, make industry connections, and discover what kind of career path you really want to follow. While school’s in session, it can be hard to fit an internship into your schedule; in the summer, however, you can devote more hours to the gig.

Unfortunately, just because you sign up to work a 40-hour work week from May to August, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get paid like a fulltime employee.

Many internships pay nothing. In fact, they often offer college credit as a means of skirting the salary, but in that case, you’ll find yourself coughing up summer tuition money just to work at the company that hired you. While there are plenty of paid internships out there, they usually offer a stipend rather than a modest hourly wage. So, if you’re going to be working your ass off, how do you decide whether the internship is worth it?

Paid internships certainly have a bit more sparkle at first glance. However, there’s a reason they call it an internship and not a job. Unless it’s a major company, you could probably make more money serving omelettes at Denny’s… but waitressing the third shift isn’t going to bulk up your resume. So, while you may be lucky enough to get paid this summer, you will have to figure out if you can live with a meager paycheck.

Paid internships may or may not be more challenging than an unpaid gig. After all, if you’re expected to work a full-time schedule, you’ll really become part of the office, and get to know your coworkers. You’ll be involved with bigger projects, because the bosses will know you can work on them throughout the week, rather than worry about you only tending to assignments on a Monday-Wednesday-Friday basis. Plus, if they’re bothering to pay the interns, they must think highly of the students they choose for the task, right?

Note that I said “may or may not” above. Many non-profit companies (or smaller businesses with less budget) employ a smaller staff than a Fortune 500 biz. In that case, you may be given a broad spectrum of responsibilities and may have the opportunity to develop a close relationship with your superiors. Any internship will probably require you to do a fair share of answering phones, photocopying, and filing, but you might also get to work for several different “departments” at an unpaid internship- especially if the department consists of one associate.

If you are moving away to do an internship, you should try to plot out how much your living expenses will be in an unfamiliar city. It can be more difficult to find a second job outside your home town, and, if you’re being paid at all, the internship might require more commitment. In reality, landing a paid internshp might not be as profitable, especially if you don’t have time to find another source of income.

Most employers usually appreciate their interns for working for free, and may be more lenient with the rules of the job. Many unpaid internships ask for less hours per week and try to be flexible with scheduling. This means that you can keep a few shifts at your regular summer job in order to pay for your gas to the internship!

Plus, unpaid internships come with some sort of business-related incentive, such as free parking permits or subway cards. You know, so you don’t lose money coming to work. Depending on the company, they may offer free meals if there’s a cafeteria in the building. If that’s the case, then hey- it won’t cost you anything besides time to go to work and the experience might help you get a higher paying job in the future.

There are pros and cons to either side here. If you are going to look into an internship, you should truly ask yourself what you want out of the experience and be prepared to ask questions before taking the job. If you’re not getting paid, it’s easy to get frustrated with menial tasks such as photocopying, filing, and going on Starbucks runs for the bigshots. Then again, an unpaid internship might be intimate enough for you to truly pick your boss’s brain during downtime and get a mentor out of the experience.

No matter what, my advice to future interns of the world is to take the next few months to try to save up and secure sufficient resources to provide for yourself over the summer – this way, you can choose the position that is truly best for yourself and your career goals, rather than only focusing on the monetary aspects of the job.

Personally, I’ve done my fair share of underpaid labor, whether in the form of an unpaid internship, paid internship, or a generally sh*tty part-time job that didn’t pay well enough. While the sh*tty part-time jobs did nothing but supply my weekend drinking funds, all of the internships let me walk away with something more valuable than money. I’ve been paid in experience, connections, all the coffee I can drink, and every random perk from catered meetings to free t-shirts to tickets to killer events. So while the payment issue is something that you should consider when taking one, the bottom line is that you won’t be an intern forever, so, for now, money shouldn’t be the first priority.

Nina Hartley is an extremely successful adult film star with 650 different video appearances under her belt. Starting off as an exotic dancer in the ‘80s, she is now a published author and an award winning actress for both sexual and non-sexual roles. I met Nina when we both served on a panel about modern sexuality for the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco. I asked her to give me some of her wise wisdom about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

Me: Do you think sexual freedom (through porn, sex outside of relationships, etc.) is good for the advancement women, or detrimental to the advancement of their self esteem?

Nina: Sexual freedom and autonomy are vital components of women’s greater equality in society. We are adults, not children in need of protection. Whether or not a woman’s exercise of this freedom is good or bad for her depends upon her making choices that are consistent with her values and beliefs. When we do things that go against our understanding of ourselves and the world, bad things usually happen as a result. My choices wouldn’t be good ones for very many women, nor would their choices be good for me.

M: We all know the key to being sexy is confidence. Do you have any special advice for being, or even just appearing, confident? Perhaps something you picked up through the industry?

N: Confidence arises out of our being centered in ourselves, which comes from knowing and accepting ourselves as we are, not as we think we should be, or how or parents have told us to be, or what we think society says we must be. The most important thing I learned from dancing (my earliest adult career) was that no one can read your mind. So, head up, shoulders back and smile. Your inner confusion or insecurity will pass unnoticed by those who, having just met you, only see what you present to the public. Speak directly and clearly, without apology, about what you want and don’t want.

M: Many women have trouble having sex with someone without becoming emotionally attached. From your experience, is there any way to separate sex and emotion? Or does that just come with practice and time?

N: It’s hard, though necessary, to separate how we, as individuals, actually feel about the sex/emotion connection … Some women (and men) cannot make such a separation, and they need to be that much more stringent about how, when, why and with whom, they choose to become intimate. Each person’s obligated to his or her own safety, security and comfort. Part of growing up is learning how to resist pressure from those who would have us cross our own boundaries, which we usually do by having x number of unpleasant experiences. It’s only possible to separate sex from emotion if one is “built” that way, as I am, or by suppressing his or her true feelings with drugs, alcohol or denial, which is never good. With experience, most people find the way that is best for them.

M: Do you have any last words of encouragement or advice for college-age women?

N: Know that it’s normal to be insecure about sex at your age. You’re young adults and have the obligation to differentiate yourselves from your families: what values about sex do I share with my family/parents and want to maintain? What values of theirs don’t work for me? How can I both experiment with sex AND keep myself safe, both physically and emotionally? Educate yourselves about safer sex and birth control. Get a dose of the morning after pill when you don’t need it, just in case you find that you do. DON’T USE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS TO SUPPRESS LONELINESS AND INSECURITY. It’s okay to say “yes” to sexual activity that fits within your boundaries for same. It’s okay to say “no” to sexual activity that doesn’t fit within your boundaries for same. When in doubt, slow down.

What do you think, ladies?

I, like you, went to high school. When I was in high school, I already knew that I wanted to be a musician and a writer when I grew up. Even though neither of those professions require a degree, I was made to believe that I had to go to college to be successful in life. And so I packed my nervous bags and made way to New York by way of Ohio. I apprehensively took my place among thousands of other students at my school and I felt out of place immediately.

You see, I was always a ‘good’ student. I graduated high school with nearly a 4.0. I aced tests and papers without wincing and was in every club. Kids like me were supposed to go to college. Period. But I never wanted to.

I went because my parents wanted me to.

I dragged myself through four and a half years of college. I transferred schools. I worked 2 jobs (yes, 60+ hours a week) on top of being a full time student. I was miserable. I was utterly, thoroughly, entirely, unexplainably miserable until I decided not to go back to college. I was only a semester or so shy of my degree and I woke up and decided I was done. I made a decision for myself and not for my parents. Finally, I took control of my life and my happiness and I have never looked back since.

College wasn’t for me and it wasn’t for what I wanted to do. I am sure it is the right place for some people (or most people), but that didn’t mean it was right for me. I have not only enjoyed life more than ever since I made my decision, but my career finally fell into place upon making it, too.

I don’t work ‘side’ jobs now; my music and writing are my main jobs now. I took a chance, yes, but here’s my point:

If your passion doesn’t require a degree, don’t convince yourself you need one. Of course there is something to be said for things learned in college, and I hate it when people tell me that I wasted money and time in college -that’s ridiculous. I have four and a half years of college education and experience; I learned, I grew, I thrived, I starved, and, eventually, I moved on. But even with all of that, college just isn’t right for some people.

If college IS for you, that’s great! But before you assume that you are college bound (particularly because someone else told you to be college bound), sit down and ask yourself: Is college for you or not?

(Hint: There is no wrong answer.)

[Photo courtesy of www.gla.ac.uk]

You may have made it through Welcome Week without any run-ins with the campus police (congrats!), but you still have plenty of opportunities to meet them up close and personal.

There are going to be many times this year and well into your college career that you will find yourself surrounded by alcohol. And, naturally, you are going to want to partake. Just beware–while you are navigating the university party scene, your RA’s, Campus Police, and Public Safety units are gearing up to bust underage revelers.

Here are some tips on how you can avoid getting written up before your first semester is over.

1. Don’t act like ‘The Freshman.’

Just because you suddenly have access to alcohol, it doesn’t mean you need to consume ALL of the alcohol at once. Even if the cops are out and about, they don’t have the manpower to hunt down every single underage boozer. So, they’ll zero in on the kid stumbling around with a trash can on his head before thinking twice about the passive mingler. The same goes with your RA, who really doesn’t want to walk in on you peeing in the corner of elevator.

2. Beware of PDA.

True story: I was once stumbling across campus with a guy I liked, and was pretty much all over him. I was stopped by a Public Safety brigade, who proceeded to quiz me: Did I know this guy? Where were we going? While I insisted that he was a friend, one of the officers interrupted with “You’re obviously intoxicated and we want to make sure you’re not going to make a bad decision tonight.” Ouch. (Editor’s Note: Where were those guys when I was making out with the guy with the tats?)

Luckily, they let us continue on our way, but the situation could have easily ended badly. This anecdote should be a lesson to guys, too. I’m sure my friend was mortified when the Public Safety peeps pegged him as a date rapist. But, just like the crazy, drunken antics mentioned above will red flag a drunk college student, a pair of horny kids who can’t make it back to the dorm room will also raise the suspicions of the University 5-0.

3. Be careful with your Fake.

If you have someone who is of age that can make a beer run for you, don’t even try to buy your own booze. At my school, all of the campus liquor stores had walls covered with confiscated fake ID’s. It’s a lot easier to get served at a bar or restaurant than it is to purchase booze from the store. FYI.

Still, you need to research the bars you attempt to get in to. Everyone at my school knew which bars would let in the worst fakes, which states made for the worst fakes, etc. I once had a fake ripped up by the manager of a new campus bar, because they were on the lookout for New York ID’s after being watched closely by the Po.

One more little tale: I knew a girl who got fined because she left her wallet at a gas station, and somehow, the cops found her fake ID in it. If a cop sees you with a fake for any reason, it can constitute fraud. Just food for thought.

4. Keep it inconspicous.

If you are walking to a party, don’t crack open a Natty Ice on the street. Don’t fill a Coca-Cola bottle with vodka. And don’t help a friend carry a case of beer if you are a minor. In many states, you can’t even handle alcohol if you are a minor. So if the cops are scouting out the liquor store, and card you and your of-age friend as you drag a shopping cart full of Patron to your car, you might get in trouble, even if you’re stone-cold sober and the bottles are unopened.

Even if you are trying to hide the libations you are hauling to the party, be careful. Ironically, backpacks scream “hidden alcohol,” especially when you are en route to a quad party on a warm Saturday evening. The cops may ask you open your bag, and having 30 beers fall out might put a damper on your weekend.

5. Stay current on campus news.

If there are four bars on campus, and three of them have been raided in the past month, you might want to lay low in order to avoid a sting operation on the fourth bar. Try to catch wind of any rumors that Tequila Tom’s might get raided.

Of course, if you are friendly with the bar staff, they might look out for you as well, because they want to save their own ass as much as you want to save yours. I’ve been flat out told by bouncers that they couldn’t let me in because they anticipated a raid; a year later, those same bouncers planned an “escape route” through the kitchen for the only girl in our group who had yet to hit the big 2-1.

6. Don’t advertise.

This goes along with watching your behavior and being mindful of your fake ID, but it’s the number one reason a minor will get busted. If you’re drinking in your room, don’t leave bottles and cans strewn about for your RA to see. Don’t display your shot glasses and your funnel. Many schools today even have rules that no alcohol-related decorations (posters, etc) may be displayed in “dry” dorms.

Just being alert to the fact that many people on campus are looking out for underage drinking can help you make smart decisions. It’s really not difficult to evade the disciplinarians at your school, and before you know it, you’ll be passing down your fake ID to your younger siblings and telling them to use it wisely. Take your time to get to know your campus and it’s policies. You have four years of partying awaiting you, so there’s plenty of time to tune up your beer pong skills.