Lesson Learned: Bloody hot mess on stage = best career move EVER

Is it just me, or does it seem like almost every celebrity out there had some giant scandal in 2009? I feel like I spent at least 3/4 of the year crouched in front of the TV or refreshing my news on the internet just to keep up. From Michael Jackson’s shocking death, to cheating husbands, to a family sending a silver balloon in the air and forcing their family to lie just to get on TV, the scandals have gone from serious and sad to very WTF worthy.

Seriously, WTF, 2009?

But I guess when it comes down to it, all of this (hot) mess can do some good. I mean, even if Tiger’s marriage doesn’t work out and Carrie Prejean’s sex tapes continue to circulate to the point that her career is really over, at least I learned a few things. And all without having a giant mess on my hands.

So thank you, celebs, for being the anti-role models that I need and teaching me some very important life lessons. Below, the top 10 lessons I learned in 2009:

1. Do Not Send Naked Photos. Just Don’t! You’d think I would know this already, but celebs just keep drilling it into my head. Too bad they still aren’t learning the lesson. Among others, naked pics of Rihanna, Carrie Prejean, Ashley Greene, and Vanessa Hudgens (again) popped up on the Internet this year. And got passed around quicker than the Swine Flu in a college dorm. So the next time that guy you barely know asks for some sexy pictures via text, think about this: there is 90% chance that those images could come back to haunt you. And a 100% chance if you break his heart.

2. Don’t Do Drugs! We’ve heard that message a million times, but it never rang more true than when the world lost Michael Jackson. Of course, we also have a few other people drilling this point home. Like Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Steven Tyler….

3. If You Have Enough Money, You Can Probably Get Away With Almost Anything. Or at least raping a thirteen-year-old girl. That’s the case for Roman Polanski who did not get the punishment he deserved for his heinous crime but, thanks to his piles of cash, was allowed to return to his home in Switzerland under the conditions of house arrest. Wanna rise above the law? Start saving that money now, ladies.

4. Ignorance is NOT Always Bliss. The minute Carrie Prejean opened her mouth and started dissing gay marriage, she caused a scandal big enough to last for months. (Though, we can give credit to Perez Hilton for that…) I’m pretty sure it made everyone realize that we really need to think long and hard before we talk.

5. Business and Romance Do Not Mix. We’ve heard this one time and time again, but does anyone listen? Apparently not David Letterman. A little office booty and the next thing he knows, he’s all mixed up in an extortion plan and sharing his sexploits with the world. Want a successful future? Keep it in your pants (or skirt) in the office.

6. You Should Never Hit a Woman. EVER. Once a mega-star, the entire world has watched Chris Brown’s career go down the crapper ever since he laid his hands on Rihanna. Even now there are some places that are refusing to sell his music. The fact is, it is never OK to hit a woman and Chris Brown is only one of many men (like that teacher from Queens who knocked Snooki out) who must learn that lesson the hard way.

7. If You Cheat, You Will Get Caught. Before this year, I kind of thought that cheating was something that almost everyone got away with. Now, not so much. If I’ve learned anything from 2009, it’s that cheating will eventually come back to bite you in the ass, thanks to the affairs of Tiger Woods and Jon Gosselin. We watched Jon and Kate break up, leaving Jon behind as a pathetic, Ed Hardy-wearing attention whore who no one likes, all because he decided to have a little fun on the side. And don’t even get me started on Tiger Woods. His whole golf career is over because he couldn’t resist the temptations of ugly porn stars and slutty cocktail waitresses.

8. Everyone Will Love You If You Be Yourself. Lady Gaga might be the wackiest celeb out there right now, but she also had one of the best years ever. Who would have thought we could love someone who gave a bloody performance or shot sparklers out of her boobs? But we do. Why? Because she’s not hiding who she is. She’s a leotard-loving diva and we love her for it.

9. No One Likes an Attention Whore. Speidi, Jon Gosselin, Michael Lohan – I’m talking to you. These incredibly annoying stars have truly made me see that while the world may know your name, it doesn’t mean they love you. Or respect you. Or want to see your ugly Botoxed face (that one’s for you Heidi) ever again. And Balloon Boy’s parents? Well, I just hate you.

10. It is Possible to Bounce Back After a Bad Year. Last year, we all watched as Britney Spears rode first class to Crazy Town. But this year she proved that was not a one-way ticket.  Britney completed a world tour, got her sexy body back, and didn’t give the gossip mags much to be negative about. Ms. Spears has helped me realize that no matter what we do, even if it’s shaving our heads and holding our babies hostage, we can still come back.

Honorable mentions:
Birds and airplanes don’t mix.
Abstinence is not the answer.
Vampires are cool. Like, really cool.

Does dressing alike improve a relationship?

Mark McGwire’s brother plans to spill family secrets.

Welcome to twacne: the twenty-something skincare problem.

Want to score a 160 on the LSAT?

John Travolta has been targeted in a $20 million extortion plot.

Obama orders an end to Gitmo.

No instant messaging in the white house?!?

Chief executive of Merrill Lynch, John A. Thain, resigns from Bank of America.

The six layer makeup technique.

Remembering Heath Ledger, a year later.

Beanie Babies are back. Presidential (daughter) style.

To give you a little background, it all started in 2002 when music critic Jim DeRogatis was given a video by a currently unnamed source featuring what appeared to be R. Kelly giving an allegedly underage girl money, then getting a BJ from her, having sex with her, and pissing on her. DeRogatis broke the story in the Chicago Sun-Times, and shortly thereafter R. Kelly was charged with soliciting a minor for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven counts of producing child pornography. Now, six years after the initial indictment, the trial has begun and it’s like the sexy remix of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Proceedings began in late May with a viewing of the tape so the jurors could see exactly what they’re working with. What they saw was a half hour long video featuring a man that looks a hell of a lot like R. Kelly and a girl that looks a hell of a lot like the alleged victim doing things that are definitely not legal for a 31-year-old man and a 14-year-old girl to do together. However, both Kelly and the girl claim that the individuals in the video are not them, and the defense’s major claim is that the tape is part of an elaborate scheme by the girl’s family to extort money from the singer.

The interesting thing about this claim is that not all of the members of the victim’s family can agree that the girl on the tape is her. While Shonna, Leroy, and Charlotte Edwards (uncle, cousin, and aunt, respectively) deny that the girl on the tape is the alleged victim, four other relatives, including Stephanie “Sparkle” Edwards, a former protégé of Kelly’s, say that their relative and the girl on the tape are most certainly one in the same. This allegation is also backed up by the girl’s former BFF Simha Jamison (who, BTW, said she recognized the girl on the video by her mullet haircut) and by Lisa Van Allen, who claims that she was involved in numerous videotaped threesomes with Kelly and the victim.

Kelly’s former assistant Lindsay Perryman also identified the alleged victim as the girl in the video, and the man as her employer. She said she recognized the girl from back in the day when she would hang out at the studio after school doing her homework and babysitting the singer’s children.

And then there’s the mole.

In a few scenes, a large mole can be seen on the lower back of the man in the video – police photos of Kelly’s naked torso reveal that he has a mole on his back in the same location. While this would seem to be pretty cut and dry evidence that the man in the video is Kelly, the defense retaliated by having a forensic video expert come in and break the film down frame by frame, showing that sometimes the mole is there, and then other times it isn’t. The expert contested that the mole isn’t a mole at all, but rather an “artifact” from poor lighting and recording equipment.

Not convinced yet that the trial is a total madhouse? Have I mentioned that the alleged victim is Kelly’s guitarist’s daughter and the singer’s goddaughter? Or that a fan broke in to the courthouse to scream “Free R. Kelly!” at the jurors? Or that one of Kelly’s lawyers actually referenced the movie magic of the Wayans brother’s Little Man when talking about how the film footage could be doctored? If you haven’t been keeping track of this story, I suggest you start. It’s enough to make you think twice about your would-be amateur porn videos. And love for R. Kelly. And, of course, pissing on kids.

[A special thanks to celebritysmackblog.com for the awesome pic.]