There’s almost nothing worse than waking up in the morning and discovering a big, fat zit in the middle of your forehead. And it always seems to happen the day of sorority formal/a new ID photo/a presentation/any random Tuesday when you pass your crush on the way to class.  No matter how hot you look otherwise, that eyesore on your face brings you back to being an insecure 13-year-old, and you start bargaining with god to just make it go away as you furiously wash/exfoliate the sh*t out of your face.

You’d do just about anything to get rid of that honker. Anything.
Or would you?

A University of California student just wowed the world with news of an all-natural, totally effective way to rid the world of acne. It’s a breakthrough in skincare that has everyone abuzz. The only problem is: it’s breast milk.

Apparently, whatever handy particles that are in breast milk locate acne-causing bacteria before they turn into pimples. And unlike all those crazy strong acne creams, the formula (if you can call it that) would have no harsh side effects (like dryness), since it’s all-natural.

It all sounds pretty damn good, until you start thinking about the “sophisticated delivery system” that would keep the stuff “alive” until applied to the skin, where “nanoparticle bombs” can finally blow up those little suckers on your face. Uhhhh.

So many questions, I don’t even know where to start.

LIVE breast milk!?
And bombs!?
Is this my face, or a battlefield?
And, uh, where will all this breast milk come from!? Don’t the moms who have it, need it? To, oh I don’t know, feed their children?
Wait, LIVE breast milk!? On my face?!

I think I’d rather have a few zits than squeeze some lactating woman’s boob onto my cheek.

Trust me, I want to rid my face of acne just as much as the next hormonal girl with a date coming up, but this is just too much too swallow. Ew. I think I’ll just stick with my usual face cream and copious amounts of cover-up, thank you very much.

Living on a college campus makes it even worse. There’s no hopping in your heated car and driving to your heated destination. You are forced to put on your boots and puffy coat then trudge through wind chills and snow drifts to get from class to class. The result is insatiably dry skin, cracked lips and peeling cuticles. But there is hope! Here are some strategies to fight the battle against Jack Frost.

Non-Medicated Nighttime Lip Balm

Bedtime is the best time to restore the moisture that the cold weather steals from you during the day. Talking, eating and licking your lips means that lip products only stay on for a matter of minutes. Not enough time to make any real change, it only offers temporary relief. But while you sleep products have more time to moisturize. Avoid products with menthol or camphor (Like Carmex or Medicated Chapstick). The tingling cooling sensation is nice, but these ingredients are actually very drying. Any moisture gained is immediately lost again and you are back at square one.

Try Rosebud Salve ($6 sephora.com)

Bonus Tip: You can use this balm on your cuticles too!

Nighttime Face Cream and Gentle Cleansers

Just like with your lips, the best way to replenish the moisture to your face is an overnight treatment. Even if you tend to have oily skin the rest of the year, the cold weather can chap the surface layer of skin clogging pores and causing breakouts. That’s why you can seem to have dry skin and acne all at once. Also try limiting medicated cleansers. If you use a Benzoyl Peroxide or Salicylic Acid face wash (Like ProActiv or Neutrogena) try using it every other day and a substituting a milder cleanser on the other days. These ingredients are super drying and can be doing more harm than good during the harsh winter months.

Try Olay Regenerist Night Cream (about $20 in most drugstores) and Purity cleanser by Philosophy ($10-20 philosophy.com)

Overnight Hand and Foot Balm

Okay, are you getting the nighttime theme yet? Just like everything else, your cracked hands and feet need overnight help! You’ve probably heard the old tried and true method of putting a heavy moisturizer on your hands and feet under gloves and socks to really replenish. It may seem weird, but this actually works for super dry skin. Also try to keep a mini hand cream on you at all times and apply it several times a day. Putting it on after you wash your hands is an easy way to remember.

Try The Body Shop Arica Spa Body Balm ($25 thebodyshop.com) and Bliss High Intensity Hand Cream To Go ($8 sephora.com)

I say most anything because this I will not try.

We all know that China partakes in some odd cuisine, but a restaurant that specializes in PENISES? And TESTICLES?

At China’s only specialty penis emporium, located in Bejiing, you can try the penis and testicles of a Russian dog, donkey penis (good for the skin), reindeer and snake. Apparently, snakes have two penises each. More for the eating, I suppose??

Nancy, the “nutritionist” as she calls herself, served BBC food writer Andrew Harding an array of penises and testicles. She also gave him a deer blood and vodka cocktail to wash it all down.

The restaurant serves a “penis hotpot,” similar to fondue but will prepare the food anyway the customer desires. Some like it raw. And that’s what they get.

Pickled, fried or raw. You can have perineum, testes, penis and aborted fetuses.

Yes, an aborted fetus. Apparently that too is good for the skin.

Besides the fact that this is obviously disgusting, are we as American’s shutting ourselves down to the traditions of the Native Americans (and now, the Chinese) that every part of an animal should be used or eaten.

We eat the good parts, flank steaks and chicken breasts, so I guess why not dicks and balls and blood too?

As a society, we do crazy things in the name of health and beauty. Even Tommy Hilfiger’s face cream boasts the use of baby foreskins.

It makes me think that eating the c*cks and balls of animals may not be too far from what we are already doing.

But ladies, beware, we are not to eat testicles. Just in case you wanted to give it a try.