Oh Facebook, how did we get along before you?

You help us stalk our crushes in order to see their likes, and if there are any skanks in their photos they’re available.
You help us avoid people (you know, the ones who tell you where they are at all times in their statuses and you think to yourself, “damn, I really wanted to eat lunch there, too”).
You keep us sane while studying for exams (or at least, our attempting to study while browsing the news feed).

Facebook has become central to our lives and, much like Google, is not only a noun, but a verb as well.

But at times, like when we’re trying to maintain a relationship, Facebook isn’t that great. In fact, it’s yet another outlet for really awkward situations.

Stalking gone awry.
So you’re sitting in your room, stalking your crush whom you have barely said hello to, when all of a sudden it happens. Your computer freezes and you panic. You move your mouse around a little. Nothing moves. You click a few times, pound on the keyboard a bit. Oh wait. NO! You accidently clicked “like” on his status. Or worse, you friended him. And there’s no taking it back. Oh god.

Creepy Stalkers.
After a long day, you come back to your room and check your Facebook, hoping that there will be a witty comment on your wall to cheer you up, or a picture comment telling you how cute you are. You see a friend request (yay!). Wait, is that the kid who sits behind you? The creepy one who leans forward to stare down your shirt and breathes WAY too heavily? How does he know your name?! How did he find you?!

Quiz Results.
You know the ones. No one likes seeing that someone they know is “doggy style” or a “thong.” That’s just way too much information. Especially when it’s your T.A. At first, you let it go, but when you see the fourth quiz result for which sex position they are, you start to wonder if it’s time to block certain things (or people) from appearing on your news feed.

Break Up Announcements…and Reactions.
Break ups are difficult, and when the time comes to officially change your status on Facebook, break ups get awkward. There’s the simple fact that you have to deal with that little broken heart popping up in everyone’s news feed. And then you have to deal with those people who, instead of calling to see what happened, like to ask you for all the details via a Wall post. Even worse, there’s the reactions of your ex’s friends. You may think his suitemates liked you, until you see them “liking” the fact that Mr. Ex is now single. Bastards.

Parents.
Usually there is nothing more awkward than parents who have Facebook. They feel the need to like everyone’s status, send you annoying application requests, and ask embarrassing questions on your Wall. And if that’s not bad enough, my dad started becoming fans of different things. What started off as something innocent (“Dad became a fan of ESPN”) turned into one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. My father, a teacher, became a fan of morning sex. MORNING SEX. When I asked him about this he responded: “It’s true, I AM a fan of morning sex.” I will never look at him or my mom (ew) that same again.

So eff you Facebook, you double edged sword. You have caused so many awkward situations that I never would have had deal with if it wasn’t for how dang addicting you are.

Now that Facebook is in the picture, there is a whole new slew of issues we must face when dealing with a heartbreaking, make-you-wanna-sit-in-your-room-alone-crying-to-sappy-music breakups.

Before Facebook (BF): You break it off with your lover and tell everyone that you ended it, so you need your besties and Ben & Jerry’s, like, stat.
After Facebook (AF): You break it off with your lover and they change their relationship status first, making it look like it was their decision.  Which it was not. Ok, maybe it was, but did they have to change that so quickly? Now you’re getting 45 FB messages and wall posts asking if you are OK.

BF: You rip up all your pictures, cutting out your ex’s face and even burning the particularly painful ones.  Ah, satisfaction.
AF: You untag the 1,938 pictures of you guys as a couple.  It takes four hours and is in no way satisfying because there is a sad lack of sharp objects and fire. And the pictures are still fully intact.

BF: You carefully orchestrate a plan to “accidentally” be at the same social function as your ex, looking fabulous and with what looks like the next Calvin Klein underwear model.
AF: You post pictures from a bender with your besties, carefully editing out the embarrassing bits (oh, thousands) and making sure to post an appropriate, make-him-jealous Facebook status (“Sooo tired but had the best time EVER last night!! <3 Mike” Note: Mike is not your ex).

BF: You still have his daily schedule memorized, so you “check up” on him every now and then.  (Wait, why is he lingering in Starbucks so long?  When did Starbucks start hiring models as baristas??)
AF: You and your Blackberry settle down for a productive day of Facebook stalking.  Looks like your ex hasn’t posted any photos since your break-up.  Is that because he hasn’t done anything worthy of photos, or is that because he’s been too busy with someone else to get any photos taken??

BF: You avoid any sort of knowledge that he has moved on before you.
AF: Your Newsfeed tells you that some new chick has posted pictures of him. You spend the next 3 hours checking this girl out, seeing who she knows, Googling her, and trying to figure out if they are just friends or if it’s something more.

BF: You totally cut your ex out of your life: ignoring his phone calls, staying away from his favorite places, etc.  Cold turkey on the communication.
AF: You un-friend your ex on Facebook so he can’t see your frequent status updates that include comments on your daily testing of waterproof mascara and the merits of  the different flavors of Ben & Jerry’s (seriously, they are the bearers of peace and serenity). And then you regret un-friending him because you can no longer see what he’s doing. But you can’t re-friend him; that would just be pathetic. What should you do? Oh why did you act so abruptly? Now you are going to have to stalk your friends who are still friends with him so you can use their FB to look at him.

Ugh. As if breaking up weren’t hard enough already…