Dear Dude,

Ok so I met this guy at a party (as all great stories seem to start), we really hit it off and we ended up leaving and going to his place. We hooked up and then got some food. While we were eating he said “You’re like my ideal woman.” I assumed that it was a line and didn’t take it too seriously (after all, we were still fairly drunk) but I smiled, laughed and said thanks.  He gave me a ride home (Since he had to be at work at 3am. He’s an EMT.) and held my hand the entire way and gave me his sweatshirt. (OK, before I continue you should know I’m new to the world of casual sex, and automatically assumed that none of these acts were sincere, but rather just things he does to every girl – I know, my bad.). So you can imagine my surprise when he actually texted me the next day. We ended up talking ’round the clock for a week and hooked up again. We continued constantly texting for another week and he invited me over to a party at his place and I met all his friends and it was really fun – and we hooked up a third time. Two days later I texted him to see if his dog was ok (she had thrown up the morning of hookup #3). That was our last conversation. After two weeks of silence I texted him a simple “Hey, how’ve you been?” and didn’t get a reply. Two more weeks and now I find that he unfriended me on facebook.

I don’t really get it. I mean, if he isn’t interested anymore that’s fine, but isn’t unfriending someone just a tad silly / extreme?

And I’ll admit it – i was afraid of  getting my emotions involved and getting hurt so I quickly defined what we were doing as just casual sex, but looking back at the situation I realize that he might have actually had a genuine interest and that I may have hurt his feelings (somehow..)…..or I’m reading way too much into being unfriended.  

If I was right about it just being casual sex and the silent treatment is him just not being interested anymore, then that’s totally fine; but if he was genuine and if I did do something to hurt his feelings, then I’d like a chance to apologize because he was a really fun/interesting guy and I would’ve liked to have been friends (or more…).

So if you could decipher what the hell happened, that’d be GREAT!

Sincerely,

A Little Confused

Dear A Little Confused,

Welcome to “The Dude Code.” Here, we’ll decipher the age old mystery of how a guy can seem completely consumed with interest and then vanish into the abyss of ass*oles without so much as a post-it note: “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” (Gotta love the classics)

First, every investigation begins with the end. Silence. Avoidance. Unfriending (btw, yes, that’s really silly and could be construed as immature to unfriend someone, since it indicates he actually thinks Facebook is the standard for conducting actual relationships with real people).

There are several reasons why a guy goes radio silent:

He met someone else:

It happens. It sucks, but it happens. Just understand, you could have met someone else you liked more, too.

He felt rejected and decided to reject you…without telling you:

Childish? Yeah, it is. But hey, if you were constantly affirming that you were only in it for the sex then a sensitive fella could feel spurned if he wanted something more. There’s a myth about doctors, firemen, cops, and all those who indulge in saving lives that they have an upper hand when attracting women. You can try to prove or disprove it, the point is that if he’s had a run of flings then he probably wasn’t interested in another one with you. So he ended it. Through Facebook. Like a socially challenged chimp. Of course, he could have also just had a completely different idea in his head of what was going on, or something you did unconsciously, built it up to more than it was, and immaturely decided to cease contact rather than actually talk about it. Like a guy who’s ready to be in a relationship would.

He’s got amnesia and Facebook accidentally unfriended you.

This is where we allow for the variables of life come in to play where his disappearing act truthfully is not in reaction (logically or illogically) to anything he might have construed you did (intentionally or unintentionally. No, I’m not pre-law btw but I do try to cover my arse).

The end result is his silence. The beginning was…magic?

No, not amortentia. Just the magic of attracting particles across space and time. Infatuation a primal, physical, and seemingly metaphysical process. Easily explained and dismissed in theory yet the repercussions of the colliding of particles that can’t repel each other is…But attraction is only one of many forces that acts according to the laws of life.

Sometimes the force of attraction weans, due to distance, to new attractions, other forces overpowering it, and a hundred other permutations. But in the end, what should matter is that the attraction was there in the first place.

My unprofessional opinion is that you’ve most likely heard the last of him. Is it your fault? Who the Hell knows? Blame or “deciphering” isn’t the point to all of this. The point is that you thought you could protect yourself and suddenly you’re realizing you might have been more vulnerable than you thought. There’s no A to B to C way to do the casual thing or the monogamous thing or the polyamorous thing or even the single thing, correctly. You just got to do and let be done.

Revel in the possibilities. Enjoy the next opportunity. What you should take from this is simple: Don’t presume what something is or isn’t, let it grow organically. And no matter how certain you are of a person, or a situation, allow yourself the perspective that nothing’s certain. If you don’t leave yourself open to being hurt, you’ll never be open to being happy. It’s the paradox.

Take two friends out for a night of fun and call me in the morning.

Trust me, I’m The Dude

He’s full of empty promises and is always “I really care about your privacy and I’m not going to show the whole world that photo of you doing naked Olympics.” Then he turns around the next day and broadcasts everything to the world with a “seriously, you’ll end up liking the fact that everyone, including your mother, knows exactly what you did this weekend. And if you don’t, then go back to that dirty heathen of a boyfriend, Myspace, and see if I care.”

And now he’s done it again. He’s introduced a Foursquare for Facebook, called Facebook Places, that takes everyone’s favorite stalker application to the next level. Not only will your friends, frenemy’s, second cousins, and co-workers be able to check into locations, but they’ll also be able to check you into locations. Apparently they’re claiming that it’s just like tagging someone in a photo because it has a detag option. Except tagging an ugly photo of me on Facebook in not equivalent to telling the Facebook community that I’m in the third stall at the Olive Garden on Grove street.

Change your privacy settings today or prepare to see your entire life ruined. Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at my Wikipedia-approved reasoning:

1. No More Lying – So you wanted to get out of your friend’s birthday dinner (because she always insists on wearing a tiara and “kiss me, it’s my birthday sash”) and made up a story about having to cram for a hugeeee test the next day. Instead you go out with some other friends to happy hour where they tag you as being at the bar. Add some photo proof to that tag and you’re about to be defriended…in real life. And that’s the least of your issues. How about the fact that you got out of your boyfriend’s great aunt’s funeral by telling a small white lie that you were really, really sick — only to be location-tagged as being at the school’s biggest tailgate party ever.

2. No More Privacy – Facebook stalking is a totally healthy part of life, real life stalking is a total calling card to spend some time in prison. The two are about to overlap pretty quickly when your stalker starts literally following you from class (because your lab partner tagged you) to the library (because your freshman your roommate spotted you across the stacks and tagged you) to Starbucks (because somehow the barista and you are Facebook friends and she’s trying real hard to be web-savvy).

3. No More Conversation Topics – Facebook has already destroyed 90% of small talk with statuses, newsfeeds, and photo albums. This latest feature will drive the nail into the coffin when your friend starts telling you about her trip home for the weekend and you stop listening because you saw that she checked in to every single place she’s mentioning…including her high school boyfriend’s basement.

4. No More Peace – Get ready for a newsfeed overload, because unlike the privacy-respecting ladies who read CollegeCandy, there are some people out there who will use Facebook Places and use it in excess. If you already thought the Foursquare check-ins were annoying, you’re about to be overwhelmed by what you’re about to learn about your friends. From their walk of shame routes to their drunken check-ins, you will know more about your friends, roommates, T.As, etc., than you ever dreamed possible.

So there you have it. It’s officially the end of privacy. Now it’s up to you whether you want to take the plunge and deactivate (social suicide) or take the risk, stay on, and act cool when your dad’s friend checks him into “Naked Ladies Who Aren’t Your Mom Strip Joint.”

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (What do guys think of implants?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I told him we could still be friends and everything wouldn’t be awkward. Then I find out a couple days later he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. What confuses me is that he is not the first ex to delete me. In fact my other last 2 exes have deleted me as a friend on Facebook as well.

Dude, I know there can be a millions different reasons why they would, but I think it’s strange when I said I want to be friends. Why would they do that?

Sincerely,
Girls Just Wanna be Friends

Dear GJWF,

A relationship consists of two people that cultivate a bond of trust, friendship, and vulnerability between each other. You grow together (or apart), you make room for that other person as a new constant in your daily life (even long distance where it arguably takes more effort), and gradually your inner lives are shared, until “I” becomes “We”. When that delicate and deeply emotional/psychological/physical/sexual/economical/sociological bond is broken then it’s often advisable for one or both people involved break from each other.

It’s wonderful that you want to remain friends. Often times, that’s a sign of wanting to retain some semblance of value to the relationship you had, a way of preserving what it meant to you, if you will, rather than erasing it from your memory. But you have to understand that what you want and what the other person needs may be different. While you might want to remain close, the young man may not be emotionally capable or willing. And you have to give him that space. Here, let me simplify my answer a little. Let’s see, how else can I-oh, yes, think of it like this: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU SO WHO CARES WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!

Let the boy go. If he wants to be friends, he’ll call you. But guess what? He ain’t your man and you ain’t his woman. Once you set him free then what he does, or you do, is none of the other person’s business. You reached out and said “let’s be friends.” Great. Sounds like a pretty mature thing to do (unless you’re being selfish and want him around for your whimsy) but what he decides to do with your offering is not up to you.

If he doesn’t want to be your friend on Facebook, MySpace, stops following you on Twitter, and crosses the street when he sees you then you’ve got to accept those actions. Because they’re not yours, they’re his. If he ignores you then you probably don’t want to be friends with him. Onward and upward!

There are a ton of reasons why guys get rid of any traces of the women they break up with or are broken up by. Maybe he hates your guts and thinks you’re the devil (like Sarah Marshall) or maybe he’s scared he won’t be able to let go if you’re still in his life (aka Tom Hansen from 500 Days of Summer), or maybe he’s a narcissist and once you’re out of his orbit, you might as well not exist (does he live in Manhattan? Because that would be my guess then). Bottom line: the reason is his, not yours. What you had is past tense, so you focus on your present and leave him be to focus on his. You can always be civil when you see him in person. You made the offer to be friends, now leave the ball in his court.

When you feel broken then you need time to heal and rebuild your inners. What that means is making sure you don’t set yourself up to keep reopening the wound. The best medicine is often distance and time. If he doesn’t call, doesn’t e-mail, text, tweet, send you a birthday card, come to your next party, then here’s what you should do: nothing. Leave. Him. Alone. Because odds are he needs to protect himself from you. You may not like it, it may sound immature to you, his actions might be hurtful and seem disrespectful to what you two shared, but they’re his decisions to make. You take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. He’ll deal with himself, you just deal with yourself. And hopefully you’ll both live happily ever after.

Excelsior!

The Dude

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Kristen Stewart lightens up…her hair.

Well this is just awkward for Joe and Demi.

Why do we stay FB friends with people we hate?

Ironically, Britney designs better than she dresses.

Woops. Jason Batemen REALLY pissed people off.

God, I wish I didn't defriend the ex....

We’ve all been there.  You break up with your boyfriend, fight with your Bio lab partner, resent your freshman year roommate for getting a better internship than you.  In a booze-fueled rage you sit at your computer at 2am going through Facebook, wanting so badly to cut these people off altogether.  Why do you need to know that the old roomie is hanging out with Kanye?  Or that your ex already found a rebound girl and her boobs are really, really big?

Before you know it, you get caught up in the whirlwind that is FB’s newsfeed and suddenly you’re hating on people you haven’t seen in three years.  Sarah’s mom sends her care packages from Sephora?  Bitch!  Jamie is dating that hot TA?  You had your eye on him first and she knows it!  Your best friend is dating your little brother?  Gross and unacceptable!

In a flash, the floodgates have opened.  You’re going to defriend them all, that’s what you’re going to do!  With your mouse hovering above the delete button, you pause for a moment.  Sure, consciously getting rid of a Facebook friend is the modern day equivalent of sending someone to the guillotine.  Off with their heads and their damn status updates!  But while it might feel good in the moment to erase these people from your life account, it’s more than a little likely that you’ll come to regret your cutthroat ways.

In a few months you’ll probably be dating someone new and the hurt caused by your ex-BF’s fling with Pam Anderson will have subsided.  It was, after all, just a fling and apparently he ditched her via wall post.  Too bad you gave him the axe; you would have loved to read that one.  Not to mention your roommate got fired from her internship for enjoying an event’s open bar a little too much.  Talk about the funniest tagged photos you’ll never see.  Actually, it seems that whole unfriending spree really cut you out of the loop with everyone.

And what about the other cases of Iwannadeleteyou syndrome?  Like the people who you want to stalk keep up with but don’t want seeing your business, or the people who update their statuses every five minutes with the most obnoxious things you’ve ever read (but secretly love…making fun of)?  Quality over quantity seems like the mature answer- keep your actual friends, give everyone else the boot.  Yet again, no one wants to be the only person on Facebook with twenty friends and no one to gossip about.

Say you somehow got to that point, though, and are reading the same tiny group of people’s rarely updated pages.  Between yawning and yearning for new material, the thought of re-adding all your old friends occurs to you.  Forget the tedious process of looking up three hundred people who may or may not remember that you exist.  How awkward would it be to request friendship with all your past hook-ups, random drunk girls with whom you’ve had bathroom heart-to-hearts, and cute guys you sat behind in countless semesters of college?  You just can’t do it.

Facebook is tricky territory to navigate and often the decisions you make are irreversible.  In an online society where the only fate worse than actual death is social death, it’s a tough call when it comes to controlling your “friend” population.

So what do you do – delete now and suffer later? Or suffer now and indulge later?
It’s like Sophie’s Choice, 2.0. And it plagues us all.

I love you, Photo Tagger.

The writers over at The Ultimate Hatelist composed a list of the Top 10 Most Hated People on Facebook: The Constant Status Updater, Facebook Couples, People Who Post Little Pictures… Clearly, we agree with them. Those girls with the freakin’ peace-sign-and-pouty-lip pics (of course we never do that in pictures!) and the people who actually pay for Facebook gifts (you’re throwing away money on a birthday cupcake floating in cyberspace during economic times like this?!) should go back where they belong: MySpace.

But we got to thinking, and while there are those people who we want to punch right through the computer screen every time we load up our NewsFeed (read: every 4 minutes), there are also some that we truly love. Those who make our Facebook experience what it is. Those we can’t get enough of and know Facebook just wouldn’t be the same without.

The Comedian
I appreciate a witty saying every now and then, and when I sign on to Facebook to procrastinate I’d like to be greeted with a laugh, not some vague song lyric begging for attention/Facebook gifts. Which is why I love the comedian. He’s funny, he’s quick on his feet and he always has a funny status update or video posted for me to enjoy. This guy is a real pal, bringing a little happiness to hours of homework and studying.

The Girl Who Never Left Home
When you’re having one of those God awful weeks where you bombed a test, fought with your boyfriend and realized you have no idea what you want to do with your life, stalking this girl always makes you feel better. While everyone else left home only to return on holiday breaks, she’s still living in her parent’s basement, getting fat at the same deli you ate at for four years of off-campus lunch, and parties with the coolest of the cool…high school seniors. Seeing her life makes you feel a whole lot better about yours. It might be mean, but it’s true.

The Facebook Album Addict
You may not be close friends with her (and this character is always a her), but you know her well enough to end up in some of her many pictures from last night’s epic party. The same pictures she uploaded, tagged and captioned the moment she got home. At 3am. While you were out eating breadsticks. Not only do you not have to bring your camera out with you (and risk dropping it in a pitcher of beer….again), but all you have to do is log in to Facebook to see your entire college experience documented in photos instantaneously. Without the hassle of tagging yourself. What a gem.

Your Friend’s Parents
Your parents on Facebook? Annoying. Your friends’ parents on Facebook? Hilarious. You get to watch them post embarrassing comments on pictures of your friends doing keg stands (“Looks like you take after your father”) and all decked out in a little black dress (“Put some clothes on missy! Love, mom.”). And when they upload that pic of your friend squeezed between Grandma and Aunt Ruth at the family reunion? Priceless.

The Chronic Commenter
Why else do we write a status if not for other people to read it? And whether the status requires a response of laughter, consolation or congratulations, the chronic commenter always has your back. You never have to worry that your status will go unacknowledged and into the deep Status abyss; it will always be “liked” by at least one person, and sometimes, when we’re laughing to ourselves while posting it, that’s all were asking for.

The Party Girl
You thought you were fun but this girl is obviously the party queen and she has 400 albums to prove it. Maybe you think it’s annoying that she uploaded a million pictures, but I think scrolling though drunken party pics is a whole lot more entertaining than reading about Kant’s moral philosophy. So snap away, party girl, snap away. And if there are a couple pouty-face-peace-signs in there, I’ll let them go. I’m just grateful to have something to keep me from having to study.

That Bitch Who Stole Your Boyfriend
But only when that beautiful pink broken heart shows up in your NewsFeed accompanied by depressing song lyrics and vague statements about trust and pain and falling in love.

What other characters do you guys love on Facebook?

Ha! I got you, bitch!

Poor Mike! He should have known better than to leave his Facebook profile open on someone else’s computer. Usually, I’m pretty unimpressed with jokes that hinge on dudes acting like there’s something inherently hilarious about homosexuality—unless they’re Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd—but this prank is pretty genius. (Side note: How on earth are there that many groups about loving cock??)

Changing around someone’s Facebook profile is the ultimate prank. We all spend way too much time worrying about presenting ourselves in the best light possible on Facebook: listing the right favorite movies and music, displaying a flattering profile pic, writing something funny and pithy in our “About Me” sections. When someone messes with your profile, then, they’re poking fun at your image-consciousness in an extremely public way—and they’re also making sure that an audience of hundreds can immediately see that you just got played.

So, since witnessing a Facebook prank at its finest, I’ve been thinking about other ways to subtly mess with my friends’ Facebook profiles, given the chance. And considering they stored their passwords and leave their bedroom doors unlocked, that chance is most definitely given.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

-       Change her language setting to Icelandic.
-       Re-tag all of the heinous pictures from last week that she immediately un-tagged the second they were posted.
-       Better yet, make one of them her new profile picture.
-       Change her listed AIM screenname to whatever embarrassing SN she had in middle school: MrsJTT, anyone?
-       Reply affirmatively to every single request that’s accumulated on her page since she last denied all of them. That weird kid from down the hall wants to challenge her to a ZombieNinjaPirate duel? It’s on.
-       Change her major to “Arts and Crafts,” or maybe “Gym.”
-       Become a fan of Heidi Montag and express her love in her status message.
-       Have her “like” every depressing, melodramatic status message on her newsfeed.
-       Change her relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “Single.”
-       Create an event for her “First Annual Swingers” party and invite all of her friends. Including her parents.
-       If her parents aren’t already her friends, submit the request. Then invite them to said party above.
-       If she’s a hipster, change her favorite music to the Dave Matthews Band and her favorite books to Twilight and “anything by Dan Brown.” Oh, and I can’t forget to make her quotation lyrics from a Toby Keith song.

Got any other ideas?
Re-thinking leaving that password saved?

My fellow CCers have been busy too, doing everything from getting pumped for Fashion Week to preparing for football season to pruning their Facebook friends list—hey, it’s not as easy as it sounds. We’ve been occupying ourselves by debating whether guys and girls can live together in harmony, and whether it’s a good idea to be in a serious relationship in college, despite the fact that men are stupid. And if they’re not dumb, there’s probably something else wrong with them.

At least we’ll always have these guys to dream about. And hey, since college is a time for experimentation, maybe we should just throw caution to the wind and ditch monogamy altogether: the more the merrier, right? Unless that sexually freewheeling attitude means that you consider buying this for your little niece or cousin. That will never be okay.