I love you, Photo Tagger.

The writers over at The Ultimate Hatelist composed a list of the Top 10 Most Hated People on Facebook: The Constant Status Updater, Facebook Couples, People Who Post Little Pictures… Clearly, we agree with them. Those girls with the freakin’ peace-sign-and-pouty-lip pics (of course we never do that in pictures!) and the people who actually pay for Facebook gifts (you’re throwing away money on a birthday cupcake floating in cyberspace during economic times like this?!) should go back where they belong: MySpace.

But we got to thinking, and while there are those people who we want to punch right through the computer screen every time we load up our NewsFeed (read: every 4 minutes), there are also some that we truly love. Those who make our Facebook experience what it is. Those we can’t get enough of and know Facebook just wouldn’t be the same without.

The Comedian
I appreciate a witty saying every now and then, and when I sign on to Facebook to procrastinate I’d like to be greeted with a laugh, not some vague song lyric begging for attention/Facebook gifts. Which is why I love the comedian. He’s funny, he’s quick on his feet and he always has a funny status update or video posted for me to enjoy. This guy is a real pal, bringing a little happiness to hours of homework and studying.

The Girl Who Never Left Home
When you’re having one of those God awful weeks where you bombed a test, fought with your boyfriend and realized you have no idea what you want to do with your life, stalking this girl always makes you feel better. While everyone else left home only to return on holiday breaks, she’s still living in her parent’s basement, getting fat at the same deli you ate at for four years of off-campus lunch, and parties with the coolest of the cool…high school seniors. Seeing her life makes you feel a whole lot better about yours. It might be mean, but it’s true.

The Facebook Album Addict
You may not be close friends with her (and this character is always a her), but you know her well enough to end up in some of her many pictures from last night’s epic party. The same pictures she uploaded, tagged and captioned the moment she got home. At 3am. While you were out eating breadsticks. Not only do you not have to bring your camera out with you (and risk dropping it in a pitcher of beer….again), but all you have to do is log in to Facebook to see your entire college experience documented in photos instantaneously. Without the hassle of tagging yourself. What a gem.

Your Friend’s Parents
Your parents on Facebook? Annoying. Your friends’ parents on Facebook? Hilarious. You get to watch them post embarrassing comments on pictures of your friends doing keg stands (“Looks like you take after your father”) and all decked out in a little black dress (“Put some clothes on missy! Love, mom.”). And when they upload that pic of your friend squeezed between Grandma and Aunt Ruth at the family reunion? Priceless.

The Chronic Commenter
Why else do we write a status if not for other people to read it? And whether the status requires a response of laughter, consolation or congratulations, the chronic commenter always has your back. You never have to worry that your status will go unacknowledged and into the deep Status abyss; it will always be “liked” by at least one person, and sometimes, when we’re laughing to ourselves while posting it, that’s all were asking for.

The Party Girl
You thought you were fun but this girl is obviously the party queen and she has 400 albums to prove it. Maybe you think it’s annoying that she uploaded a million pictures, but I think scrolling though drunken party pics is a whole lot more entertaining than reading about Kant’s moral philosophy. So snap away, party girl, snap away. And if there are a couple pouty-face-peace-signs in there, I’ll let them go. I’m just grateful to have something to keep me from having to study.

That Bitch Who Stole Your Boyfriend
But only when that beautiful pink broken heart shows up in your NewsFeed accompanied by depressing song lyrics and vague statements about trust and pain and falling in love.

What other characters do you guys love on Facebook?

Ha! I got you, bitch!

Poor Mike! He should have known better than to leave his Facebook profile open on someone else’s computer. Usually, I’m pretty unimpressed with jokes that hinge on dudes acting like there’s something inherently hilarious about homosexuality—unless they’re Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd—but this prank is pretty genius. (Side note: How on earth are there that many groups about loving cock??)

Changing around someone’s Facebook profile is the ultimate prank. We all spend way too much time worrying about presenting ourselves in the best light possible on Facebook: listing the right favorite movies and music, displaying a flattering profile pic, writing something funny and pithy in our “About Me” sections. When someone messes with your profile, then, they’re poking fun at your image-consciousness in an extremely public way—and they’re also making sure that an audience of hundreds can immediately see that you just got played.

So, since witnessing a Facebook prank at its finest, I’ve been thinking about other ways to subtly mess with my friends’ Facebook profiles, given the chance. And considering they stored their passwords and leave their bedroom doors unlocked, that chance is most definitely given.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

-       Change her language setting to Icelandic.
-       Re-tag all of the heinous pictures from last week that she immediately un-tagged the second they were posted.
-       Better yet, make one of them her new profile picture.
-       Change her listed AIM screenname to whatever embarrassing SN she had in middle school: MrsJTT, anyone?
-       Reply affirmatively to every single request that’s accumulated on her page since she last denied all of them. That weird kid from down the hall wants to challenge her to a ZombieNinjaPirate duel? It’s on.
-       Change her major to “Arts and Crafts,” or maybe “Gym.”
-       Become a fan of Heidi Montag and express her love in her status message.
-       Have her “like” every depressing, melodramatic status message on her newsfeed.
-       Change her relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “Single.”
-       Create an event for her “First Annual Swingers” party and invite all of her friends. Including her parents.
-       If her parents aren’t already her friends, submit the request. Then invite them to said party above.
-       If she’s a hipster, change her favorite music to the Dave Matthews Band and her favorite books to Twilight and “anything by Dan Brown.” Oh, and I can’t forget to make her quotation lyrics from a Toby Keith song.

Got any other ideas?
Re-thinking leaving that password saved?

My fellow CCers have been busy too, doing everything from getting pumped for Fashion Week to preparing for football season to pruning their Facebook friends list—hey, it’s not as easy as it sounds. We’ve been occupying ourselves by debating whether guys and girls can live together in harmony, and whether it’s a good idea to be in a serious relationship in college, despite the fact that men are stupid. And if they’re not dumb, there’s probably something else wrong with them.

At least we’ll always have these guys to dream about. And hey, since college is a time for experimentation, maybe we should just throw caution to the wind and ditch monogamy altogether: the more the merrier, right? Unless that sexually freewheeling attitude means that you consider buying this for your little niece or cousin. That will never be okay.

Kathy Griffin’s got a new man.

Another baby boy for Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Clear up all that brain fog.

No one likes Katherine Heigl anymore.

Lady Gaga’s style just gets better and better.

Don’t Facebook friend your boss.

Back in December, after receiving my wonderfully thick acceptance package; dashing around my house while screaming bloody murder; hugging my mom/dad/dog/the mortified mailman; and texting everyone on my contacts list with blazing speed, I slowed down for a moment and composed myself at my computer. Still hyperventilating yet functioning relatively well, I logged into Facebook and did a quick search for my university’s class of 2013 group, which I had been secretly stalking for the past few days as admitted students began trickling into the members list. Without a moment’s hesitation, I clicked to join the group and sat back in my chair, relishing the second my admission became official – in cyberspace.

After all, if there’s anything the technology age has taught me, it’s that nothing is true until it’s posted to the Internet for the rest of the world to see.

For the first few days, I joined my fellow ‘13ers in the “Get To Know You” type thread and the obligatory message board games (which are excellent procrastination tools, if nothing else). I found myself growing more and more excited for the fall as each new name and face joined the group and posted an emoticon demonstrating their enthusiasm. But soon, the newness began to wear off and the extreme jubilation with it. Once the overall college craze at my school quieted down, I quickly forgot the group even existed. That is, until the friending frenzy began.

Some members of the group went on friend request rampages as soon as they joined, randomly requesting ‘13ers they hadn’t even interacted with in the group and racking up the mutual friend count on their profiles. At first, I figured they were being friendly and trying to get to know some of their future classmates, but only a couple of the friending crusaders made any attempt to communicate with those of us they requested. What was up their sleeves?

Nothing, it seemed, except for a desire to break 1,000 on their friend lists. I found it bizarre that these kids would make their first impression on their future classmates in such an obnoxious fashion. I shied away from them and instead began messaging ‘13ers with whom I had things in common, building the groundwork for new friendships.

While the Facebook friending frenzy was unnecessary and rather immature, I’ve met some ‘13ers through the group that I’m really looking forward to meeting in April at admitted students’ day. The next step is to step out of cyberspace and meet these new acquaintances face-to-face at our home for the next four years.

I just wonder sometimes if meeting these people online first is a good thing, or a terrible idea. What do you think?

Today is Facebook’s 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Five years? We’ve been stalking our friends (and friends of friends of friends) for 5 whole years?!

I’m always astonished by how quickly novelty becomes routine, and how easily routine slides dismally into annoyance. When I first logged on to Facebook, you know, senior year of high school – damn! – there they were, Joe and Chelsea and Ian and Howie and, oh boy! When did I get so many friends? And when did everyone start looking so good in pictures? My excitement was boundless. I was so pumped, I posted on my own wall.

Since then, the spell has worn off a bit. Facebook has become at best a boring tool (the seventh simple machine?) and at worst a recipe for failing your finals. We’ve all spent those wee-morning hours clicking through photos of proms and parties past. We’ve lost (real-life) friends over comment arguments about “just how drunk Mandy was” in that one album. And now our mothers are on Facebook, and they’ve Bitten us. “Start Biting people, and raise your own Vampire Horde!” Thanks, Mom!

But c’mon, Facebook’s great, right? We really do love it. It’s like a drug. And if you took that drug away, the withdrawal symptoms would be severe. In a world where all our Facebook connections were replaced by tin-can telephones, what couldn’t we do? More importantly, would we be able to park our culture in the handicapped spot?

Fight the good fight

Whether you’re into ending the Iraq war or whether you think bears should run the country, you can quickly, efficiently coordinate your frothing teen acolytes through Facebook. Just today, I was invited to a group devoted to publicizing a coal waste accident that polluted the Tennessee River. See, without Facebook, I wouldn’t have heard about this terrible accident at all, and I’d probably just spend the rest of tonight eating chocolate and listening to Bing Crosby records. Instead, I’ll be thinking about Appalachia while I eat chocolate and listen to Bing Crosby records. Hey, wait a minute! How often do you think about whatever groups you joined on Facebook? It’s regular, offhand, unnoticed. I mean, it’s great to connect with passionate youth from across the globe about every issue imaginable, but in a way, when you’ve got seven hundred different Causes, it’s hard to care that much about any one of them. Now, if some ragged protester with a gaze of steel and a booming voice came to my door and screamed at me, I’d probably be a lot more inspired.

Hail some hook-ups

Without Facebook, random hook-ups would be a lot more… random.

Real Science Fact: 95% of Facebook users really just use the system to find people to have sex with. You log on, you take a look at your feed, and you then you spot them: that guy/girl who was a total schlub in high school but now has just come back from digging Korean water mains or building the pyramids or whatever and is totally smokin’. And if you were to call them up, actually pick up the phone and dial their number, it’d be awkward – because when someone you haven’t talked to in three years calls you up on a Friday night, it’s weird. But Facebooking someone asking to catch up – nah, that’s normal, that’s easy. Standard operating procedure. “hey happy bday, hows your semestr, haven’t talked in a while lol… lets get starbux sometime.” Try that line face-to-face, and you just get funny looks. But with the convenience of Facebook, you’re a master flirt – because you know what? They see your message, and they’re probably secretly thinking the same thing. Hopefully they don’t have syphilis.

Invade other people’s personal lives

Thanks to Facebook, we can all be armchair control freaks. Wondering who the boyfriend’s been talking to lately? Check his Wall. Where’s he been without you? Check the photos. Who’s he been playing Jetman with? You can look that up, too – no hidden cameras or hairs on the closet door needed. And stalking becomes effortless – without Facebook, you’d have to resort to the ladder by the bedroom window, the slow, repeated drive-by, the overcoat and wide-brimmed hat on the street corner. Far less dangerous, and completely anonymous; I’ve allowed names I didn’t recognize friend me before, and I’ve yet to figure out exactly who they are. In my imagination, I have many stalkers, and they’re all tall, beautiful women who pine desperately for a strapping young man like me to accept their love and joint ownership of their enormous bank accounts.

So, let’s see what we’ve got here: without Facebook, we’d probably hear about fewer causes, but we’d also care more about the ones we did hear about; we’d generally have fewer awkward hook-ups with people we only barely know; and we’d actually have to talk to each other if our relationships had serious trust issues. Sounds like stopping the Facebook insanity before it reaches its 6th birthday is a good idea.

Right after you get with your lab partner from high school physics, of course.

I’m not sure when we became best friends, but it appears you know quite a bit about me. I don’t remember telling you, come to think of it, but it looks like you got the word that I am newly single. I have deduced that you know this because you are running special ads for me, like: “single again?” and “Going through a break-up?”

How kind of you! I was hoping that you, anonymous Facebook ads, would help me fix my love life!

It’s nice that you take note that my tied down friends need no such help from you, but that because my status is “single” I am a candidate for your therapy! Do I need a second chance with my ex? I sure do, Facebook advertisement! At 20 years old I am a miserable spinster! I desperately need your advice on how to win my man back – the man that I got rid of on my own accord – so, please, tell me how! Never mind the fact that you just assumed I was the dumped; I will take your advice anyway. Really? I can just enter my e-mail and you will send me tips? I can watch helpful videos? What ever would I do without you!?

No, I definitely don’t find it creepy that you found this information by reading personal facts about me. You’re only trying to do what’s best for me and, honestly, I should send you a thank-you note! “Unlucky in love?” Gripping headline! Yes, I am so unlucky. All of us single gals are unlucky and cannot possibly be happy. Thank you for helping me recognize that, my darling Facebook ad companion. Thank goodness we have become bffl’s! Who needs real (or kinda real, but really just on FB so I can see their pictures) friends when I have you!?

And while we are on the subject of our blossoming friendship I just want to throw out an additional thank you for taking the time to read all of my interests! I think it’s great that you have read through all my activities, and favorite movies, books and music. It’s super sweet of you to tell me all the things I can buy based on what I love. Yes, I definitely would like to buy some novel writing software just because I like to write. Funny, I did not realize on my own that Ben Folds had a new CD a month ago! And you’re right; I do need a “Sex Panther” tee just because I like the movie Anchorman. You rock!

How can I begin to thank you for stalking my page and telling me what to do with my life? I will definitely buy all your product suggestions, and relationship advice. Quite frankly, you have made me whole again; my heart has been mended with your advertising glue.

Sincrely,

You know who (really, you totally do since you know everything)

It’s not that I don’t want to see what my wonderful leader is up to, it’s more like I don’t think I need to see it through Facebook. I would love to visit her at her nursing home and hear all about her there.

And even though everyone is allowed to have a Facebook nowadays doesn’t mean they should have them. I’m allowed to buy Depends, but it doesn’t mean that I am going to start wearing them. I work very hard at participating in age appropriate things and I wish everyone else would follow my lead.

No matter who the over-aged friender is, I’ve learned they all share three traits in common.

1. Over-usage of applications

Immediately after accepting their friend request (and putting them on the most limited profile possible) they start throwing vampires, sending goblins, and flinging hug requests. I’m forced to spend more time blocking applications than stalking people’s wall-to-walls. And it seems that for every application I block, five more spring up in its place. Yesterday I blocked the hug-me application request and today I woke up with 14 new requests from the hugger application, huggiest application, huggable application, and hug thrower application. I don’t even know what hug-throwing could possibly mean but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in at least 34 states.

2. Unnecessary Friend Details

Literally seconds after I’m friended by the undesirables they send the most specific friend details. “I babysat you in 1989 and I changed your diaper 3 times!” Or, “I was the 2nd grade chorus teacher that made you lipsync during the annual Holiday concert.” I used to think they were sending these uber-detailed friend requests to be funny; now I just assume that they send them to remind themselves on a daily basis who I am. I guess the details are the Ginko Biloba pills of Facebook. Either way I never accept them. I like to hope it makes their day a little more eventful since they have to remember who I am every single time they log on.

3. Baby Albums

If you are old enough to be putting albums of your children on Facebook, you don’t belong on Facebook. End of story. Shouldn’t these parents be doing something with their kids instead of posting their daily baths on Facebook (yep, I’ve seen a baby-bath time album…and now I feel like I should be on To Catch a Predator). Not only do they have baby albums, but they sometimes make their actual profile picture a photo of their kid. Every time that happens I freak out because there is always that split second when I’m like, when did I friend a baby?

I miss the days when Facebook was only for the young, fun and college educated. What happened to that? Get off Facebook, oldies!b