We were talking about porn a couple weeks ago

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know that porno movies are supposed to be sexy and get their viewers all horny, but I find if I’m not already in the mood at least a little, they just make me laugh. Seriously, have you ever actually listened to the dialogue they put in those movies?

While I realize some people are genuinely concerned that porn will skew younger generations’ views of sex, I’m not here to talk about that this week. I’m here to talk about the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in porn (not to be confused with the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in movies). The ones so completely off base that not even the most naïve pubescent boy would believe them. Well, maybe they would, but I hope they’re the only ones…

Porn: All delivery men/plumbers/electricians are ridiculously good looking, and you will end up having sex with them when they come to “deliver your package,” “unclog your pipes” or give you some “high voltage” lovin’.” Okay, so I don’t actually know a sexy term that can be made out of an electrician’s work, so I used a bit of an AC/DC reference instead. But you get the point.
Real life: Um, have you seen the guys that typically do those things in real life? I’m not hating on these people, but usually they’re hairy, old, and fat, with their cracks showing. Or at least the ones that always “service” my apartment. If they do happen to be good looking, they’re probably married. And I mean, if you sleep with your plumber, who are you going to call when the toilet gets clogged? Embarrassing…

Porn: High school teachers are all dead sexy, and you will inevitably have sex with them without consequence. On the desk. After the bell rings. And there will be an apple involved somehow.
Real life: High school teachers should be outside of the age range of who students find sexually attractive. But as that one teacher we all crushed on in school made us realize, that’s not always the case. The difference is that in the real world, if you have sex with them, they will go to jail.  And to the dismay of many-a horny teenager, 99% of teachers are smarter than to sleep with their students. Sorry.

Porn: Cheesy lines like, “I know you ordered a banana split, but we just ran out of bananas. Lucky for you I can give you something better” result in mid-restaurant boning without so much as a second thought. And yes, I actually saw a porno with that storyline once… so awful.
Real life: Restraining orders and disgusted looks. And never seeing a banana split the same way again.

Porn: Screaming, and a play-by-play yelled out between over-dramatic moans.
Real life: Thin walls, roommates (or worse, parents), and a bit more self-control… usually.

Porn: Penises are monstrous and women have absolutely no body hair, and really nice fake boobs that don’t move, no matter how much fun she’s having.
Real life: While sometimes these things can be true in real life, spend 15 minutes browsing an amateur porn site and you’ll get an idea of how people’s bodies typically look.

Porn: The people in porn always find themselves in really great places — the rain forest, space, a pirate ship, and of course, they’re having crazy hot sex in all of those places!
Real life: Bed, shower, floor, couch, car, repeat.

Porn: Smooth transitions into crazy Kama Sutra-like positions. Legs behind heads, handstands, you name it – they make it look easy in porn.
Real Life: Vince Vaughn said it best in Wedding Crashers: “Ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Why is my ex sending such mixed signals?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I have issues with self-esteem. Even though I know I’m fairly attractive (5’9, blonde, tan skin, brown eyes, telling you this so you get a perspective on the issue) dress pretty well, and don’t have a problem getting guys attracted to me, I have no boobs. Yes, I’m flat, and it’s not like I’m super skinny so my body just looks way out of proportion. I have contemplated plastic surgery just so that I can feel completely comfortable showing off my body. I want implants because I worry about guys judging me on the type of body I have wayyyy too much. Now that I’m going to get surgery though, I’m scared that guys will just judge me more for going through with this than just staying with my size.

What is your take on a girl with fake boobs? I am doing it for ME, not for anyone else, but I don’t want to regret my decision when a boy is like “you were so insecure that you actually got implants? Wow, you are not the girl I thought you were.”

Looking forward to your reply,
-Oregon Girl

Dear Oregon Girl,

Quoth the Turtle: “I believe in a woman’s right to choose.”

A lot of men like a woman who’s really…smart. Big boobs are an eye-catcher. Sorry ladies, fact is fact. Men are visual creatures. Bazoomas are visual parts of a woman that seem to demand attention particularly during these warm summer months (have I mentioned summer is my favorite season?).  I can’t defend my gender’s obsession over ta-tas because, truthfully, what’s there to defend? The human body is looked upon by men as a magnificent work of natural art.  We are in awe of your lines, curves, and take notice of every thrilling alteration to the universal form.

When you get big boobs you are inviting more attention to them by straight men. This is part of the appeal of getting them. Period. Yes, I believe you want to feel comfortable in your body (although I know from my friends with D’s that having large mammaries can cause back issues) but my theory is that you’re looking for a confidence boost and it’s clear where you think you can get it from…and odds are that you will.

Men are fascinated by the magical, mystical, gravity defying, sacred orbs of pleasure. Why? Who the hell knows. After a while all you need is a handful.  Perhaps in the primal processes of our reptilian brains men use boobs as a criteria for choosing the most desirable mate to procreate with. Or perhaps we grew up watching too much Baywatch as adolescents. Bottom line: big boobs garner sexual attention and that’s one of the things you’re looking to get. So, DON’T FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT IT!

I understand you don’t want to feel shallow but plastic surgery of any kind is done, on some level, out of vanity. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with vanity up to a point. I don’t want to smell like Matthew McConaughay after a half-marathon so I wear deodorant (seriously Matthew, get over yourself and wear some or just move to freaking France already!).  That’s an act of vanity. Women cover up their cheeks with blush or circles under their eyes with that cover-up stuff in order to look “more natural” and thus more beautiful. Those are acts of vanity, too. You know what, nothing wrong with any of them and there’s nothing wrong with getting implants if you feel like it’ll really add something to your life that you’re missing. Just understand that you are sexualizing yourself.

Men are going to be drawn at first glance to your boobs more than before and they will certainly be an asset to attracting new men. Will some people think you’re shallow? Yes. Mostly other women (by the way, is it me or are you girls more obsessed with each other’s boobs than us?). But that’s the price of bountiful bosoms. Even women with God given double D’s are scrutinized and belittled by some women (generally flat-chested narcissists).  So do it but be prepared to take your lumps from the females. As far as guys are concerned, this is a no brainer (just a pro-boner. Nice, high five? Anybody? Oh come on! That was legen-wait for it-dary) . Once the boys see your new puppies they’ll just want to pet them rather than thinking about the ethical variables of your decision to adopt them.  Aw, puppies…

Go for boobies,
The Dude

Montag listed nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, eyebrow lift, breast enlargement, fat injections — and told Seacrest, “I had my back scooped.” When the host asked for clarification, Montag admitted, “I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

And, uh, she’s got the entire thing on film. Read the rest of Heidi’s interview right here.

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like socks with sandals!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

In case you’ve been living in a hole for the past week (or, you know, busy paying attention to important world events), Heidi Montag got plastic surgery… like seriously! While we and pretty much everyone else has been clear on what we think about her new “look,” it got me thinking. One of the big things people have pointed out about Heidi’s work (aside from the sheer number of surgeries) is her age – specifically that she seems incredibly young to be having work done.

Now we’re not talking about medically necessary surgeries or reconstruction here, I’m talking the pure “make me pretty because I want it” type of thing, and I admit, I can see the appeal. While I have always been a proponent of the “love yourself the way you are” mentality, there are definitely days where I have wished I could wake up with a smaller nose or bigger boobs or a magically flat tummy – and I know I’m not alone. I was always taught that self-esteem is important, and most of us wouldn’t think twice about, say, coloring our hair or getting a gym membership to boost our self-image.

Isn’t plastic surgery just an (admittedly extreme) extension of that? 

And the truth is procedures like these cost a pretty penny so if you’re going to invest in them, why not do it early and get you’re money’s worth? Should you have to wait years and years to do something you know you want just because you seem too young for it? If you have the will and the means, is it fair for other people to tell you that you shouldn’t do something that will make you happier?

The flip side, of course, is that the risk of buyer’s remorse goes up the younger you are. I mean, I know a lot of people who got tattoos just a few years ago and already regret it, so dropping that kind of cash on something you may want to get reversed down the road isn’t a real appealing thought. Also, we women have spent a long time just trying to be accepted for the bodies we have, so going the other way to make yourself seem more “perfect” seems counterintuitive to that idea. (Especially when Heidi goes on TV and says her message is that “beauty comes from within.”)After all, (as my mother loves to tell me) it’s the little flaws that make us the most beautiful – where would Lauren Hutton have been without that gap in her teeth or Beyonce without her bootyliciousness (I can’t believe I just put those two in the same sentence). It might take a long time to finally make peace with the way you look, but wouldn’t it be better to be special than generic?

OK, now you tell me – what do you think about getting some work done? Would you do it if you could? Would you hold it against someone if she did? And should age be a factor in the way we look at it?

Duke it out, ladies!

I love the way I look. I’m confident and generally pleased with my body in a bikini. Well, at least I am now… after my breast enhancement. That’s right, I have implants and I’m not ashamed of it.

I’ll give you a moment to get all your thoughts and comments out of the way:

“I can’t believe you succumbed to breast implants just to fill some ignorant societal notion that ‘bigger is better.’”
“Getting implants is so slutty.”
“You’re an embarrassment to women and should be ashamed for fueling the fire for women to attain an impossible body image.”

Trust me. I’ve heard it all. But maybe it’s time for you to hear my side of the story. I’m not giving you the stink eye for going all natural (or spending all your money on Victoria’s Secret’s latest push-up), so hear me out.

I never was extraordinarily flat-chested, but I couldn’t fill out my prom dress the way most girls could. I had perky ta-tas, but they never drew any attention. I was unhappy with my chest, which left me rather unhappy with myself. I envied girls with bigger chests; I often felt they were more worthy than me. And why not? The guys who were walking right past me and fawning all over them and their cleavage-y ways seemed to think so.  I even resorted to stuffing my bra a couple times; particularly embarrassing when I had bits of Kleenex poking out of my Gap tank top after gym class one day in high school. Boarding school kids show no mercy.

The point is, I wasn’t happy with my body and I wanted to do something about it. I can work out and get a flat tummy, throw some cover-up under my eyes when I’ve downed too many dirty martinis at Pure and guess what? I can go to my doctor and get him to boost my, errr, confidence.

I know the taboos and I knew all the risks going into the surgery, but I’m thrilled with my choice. I feel better about ME. It’s not about pleasing others and it doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and pose for Playboy (at least not yet) or hop onto a pole (although I am a big fan of Carmen Electra’s strip tease excercise DVDs); it was a personal choice and I feel my life has improved significantly in more ways than one because of it.

No one says anything to the girl who works out six days a week and starts eating healthy when she feels self-conscious about her weight. Same for the millions of girls who dye their hair or layer on the makeup every day. We all have our insecurities and, let’s be honest, we’d all do just about anything to fix them and make ourselves feel better.

My boobs were my insecurity and my implants make me feel better. In fact, they make me feel great.

And really, what’s so different between what I did and, say, that water bra you picked up last week?

So, we all know who Carrie Prejean is.
And I’m pretty sure we’re all sick of her.

But just in case you weren’t completely and utterly tired of Miss California (yes, she is still Miss CA) and her shenanigans, we came up with 5 new ideas for her to try to keep herself in the limelight for just a liiittle bit longer. If none of these work, perhaps bunking up with Spencer Pratt would help. We can’t seem to get rid of him no matter how hard we try.

1) Create her own line of Prejean Panties (bras not included). Evidently, Prejean think bras, or any tops, are overrated. At least, she likes posing without them. While Prejean said herself, “I am not perfect,” we imagine she will soon follow that up with, “But I can make your butt look that way!”

2) Start her own blingin’ jewelry line on QVC. She obviously doesn’t have enough shiny, glittery, oversized, tacky ice already. So why not start her own line? If she makes those hoops just a little bit longer, they may even cover her exposed chest!

3) Create a fund for small-breasted girls who dream of competing in beauty pageants. Because you can’t win a beauty pageant without fake breasts. And because all women need to feel good about themselves. According to the Pageant organizers (who paid for Prejean’s boob job), the best way for women to land this confidence is by cutting up their bodies and inflating themselves with silicon! (We thought you looked better in those nude pics before the boob job, Carrie.) Carrie is all about helping people, so this would be the perfect way to give back.

4) Become a reality TV show host. We’re all getting a little sick of Tyra and ANTM, so let’s bring another annoying D-List celeb into the forefront!  “America’s Next Top Bimbo” could be a real hit! She could teach the contestants how to strut and pose topless, all the while spreading Jesus love. Or maybe “I Can Make You Straight!” where she takes more nude photos of herself and shows them to gay men in an effort to straighten them out to live in “her” country. I hear Fox calling!

5) Start a campaign denouncing same-sex marriage. Oh wait. She has that one covered.

The way this girl has been eating up the media attention, we wouldn’t be surprised if she took a stab at rapping. Watch out, Asher Roth!

When Perez Hilton attacked you for your answer to his question about gay marriage, I wanted to defend you.  Not because I agree with your stance on gay marriage–which I actually disagree with–but because I wanted to give you credit for being honest and not giving a phony canned answer that you knew would help you win.  You stuck by your beliefs, even if they weren’t P.C.

But this morning I heard that you’re planning to launch a campaign against gay marriage.

Since the day after the Miss USA pageant aired, you’ve been all. over. TV. talking about how you know your answer cost you the pageant, but you would stand by it.  I gotta say – I’m getting a little sick of all the attention you’re getting.

It seems like to me that this whole thing has gone from you speaking out for what you believe in to just another way for you to get media exposure. No one ever remembers the runner-up…unless she does something ridiculous to stay in the headlines…

Don’t get me wrong, I still think you’re allowed to have your beliefs, even if I don’t agree with them, but now I think you’re taking it a little too far.  Yes, farther than Perez.

You say that the reason you oppose gay marriage is because it goes against the “traditional values” of our country.  Excuse me, but you’re in a beauty pageant–how does prancing around in a bikini with a spray tan and breast implants support “traditional values”?  You know what I want to start?  A campaign against beauty pageants for setting unrealistic and unattainable standards of beauty for young women. 

The Miss California Organization paid for your implants; what sort of message is that sending to young girls everywhere–that they can only be accepted as “beautiful” if they have big boobs?  Maybe if beauty pageants focused more on girls of all sizes and inner beauty, less women would have problems with low self-esteem, negative body image, and eating disorders.

You believe that gay marriage is wrong because that is what the Bible says, but I have a feeling Jesus wouldn’t really approve of altering your body to win a stupid crown.

What do you ladies think? Care to join my movement to ban annoying pageants?

Well, maybe. But if no one will stand up and say “I don’t believe it!” how will our 40-Something fantasy ever shed the assh*le cloak so many have tried to wrap him in? (Like that metaphor? Yeah.) So today, dear readers, we lay to rest our week-long J. Piv love fest with a proclamation: until we find out about him doing something morally reprehensible (like wearing purple satin pants or something), we are proud to call ourselves Piven’s #1 fansite on the web.

We are also giving Piven a chance to be awesome in real life this weekend, when one of your editors will attempt to get student rush tickets (I may be out of college but my ID still works, suckers!) to that new Broadway show he’s starring in. With student rush, one never knows if they’ll be sitting behind a pole in the back of the theater or close enough to get spit on, but if I am close enough…well, J Piv, if you’re reading this (and why wouldn’t you be? We’re you’re #1 fansite!)…I’ll be the redhead who may or may not flash you during curtain call.

Note: I do not have fake boobs, but if you decide to date me, you’ll enhance your reputation threefold, because you’ll be dating a regular person. How can you get more likable than being a famous celebrity dating a regular person? You can’t. Except maybe if you’re this guy.

Double Note: We did not photoshop the picture in this article. Someone did that all by themselves…

[Take a look at a video after the jump that confirms our beliefs that Jeremy is in fact NOT a douche]

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