I’ve only gotten in two fights with my roommate since the day we were blindly assigned to one another the summer before our freshman year. The first was about Dr. Green on ER and how he died. I’m not proud to say, it ended with me throwing a remote before storming out of the room and slamming the door. Also, she was right.

The second, and more recent, was about faking an orgasm. The conversation started with a debate and subsequent Google search about whether or not a guy can fake it (he can, which we’ll get to), and turned in to her scolding me as I tried to list of the many reasons why I think faking it is totally acceptable in certain situations.

“You’re ruining it for the next girl!” she screamed as she paced the room. (Seriously, she was taking it so personally, you’d have thunk she got my tainted sloppy seconds or something.)

And I know that; it’s not like I hadn’t heard that argument before. I’ve also heard “he wants to please you, so tell him how,” and “every girl is different so you have to show him what you like.” Hell, my human sexuality teacher even chimed in once with, “you gotta speak up when you want something…especially when that something is an orgasm.” Yeah, that’s awkward in a 9 a.m. lecture.

The point is, I get it. You shouldn’t fake it. It’s bad to fake it. It’s rude to fake it.
But the truth is, there’s an exception to every rule. And in the case of fakin’ a big O, there are three.

1. It’s a random hook up.
When it’s a one night engagement between two people who know nothing about each other beyond how many drinks it takes to get the other naked, there’s no use in wasting time with a map and Power Point presentation of your erogenous zones. So you throw your bra and his jeans across the room and hope for the best. And when it’s actually the worst, well, you fake it, let him fall asleep, and kick him out/grab your things and run home before there’s the slightest chance for another round in the morning.

2. It needs to end. Like, yesterday.
It’s sad but all too true: some guys have no effing clue what they’re doing in the bedroom. No joke, it’s like they learned their moves from the power tools as Home Depot. And it’s awful, mind boggling and sometimes even downright painful. You could stop them, explain why jackhammering you with this look on their face is bad, and give it another go…..or you could fake it, wait until they’re not in the deep throes of “passion” (if that’s what they call it) and find a more opportune moment to give them a much needed lesson on pleasuring a lady.

3. He’s a sensitive little bugger.
Maybe it’s because I take constructive criticism really personally, but I have a really hard time critiquing others, whether it’s my family dog who pees on the carpet (“it’s OK, Sophie; I can see how you mistook the gray carpet for grass”) or a boyfriend in a most intimate moment (“No, it’s totally fine when you’re done after 15 seconds!”). I just can’t stand the thought of making him feel bad when he’s clearly trying so hard. And, yeah, maybe it only delays the inevitable, but I’d rather give him the big confidence boost of putting a smile on my face with a little fake yelp, than have to tell him that no one likes it when a guy licks inside their belly button. Call me a pussy, but I just don’t want to risk an awkward crying moment.

Look, I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this – and many will do so vehemently – but I also know that 70% of women have reported faking an orgasm, which means that there are lots of ladies out there who have their own reasons for flexing their bedroom acting muscles.

What are your reasons?

And in case you’re wondering, guys can and do fake it, too. Crazy, right? Find out why, right here.

Hi Dude,

I’m just going to get to the meat of it. My boyfriend and I were having sex, and I like to be a little vocal when I get there, you know, let him know I appreciate his handy work. Well, this time I got to that place like I have never been there before, and I guess I was more vocal than usual. He stops everything that he is doing, grabs his clothes and leaves. I didn’t even know what to say, I was in shock I guess, so I just laid there, wondering what just happened.

He calls within five minutes of leaving my apartment and tells me how “offended he was by me faking my climax, that he was ten times more offended than if I didn’t even climax at all.”

I tried to tell him that I wasn’t faking, that whatever he did that night was great and not to stop doing that for future reference, but he was convinced.

What can I do to get it through to him? I am like a fish out of water in this situation, so I have no clue how I should react.

Utterly baffled,
Ashlee

Dear Ashlee,

DAMN YOU MEG RYAN!!!!! When Harry Met Sally… let the cat out of the bag and men of multiple generations around the world have not been able to trust the female orgasm ever since.

Can guys tell a fake from the genuine article? Many claim expertise in this niche. Most of them sniff glue. The rest want to grow up to be The Situation. There are some physical clues without question but what about escalation? (“We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics, we start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor piercing rounds…and you’re wearing a mask and jumping off rooftops.” Sorry, geek moment.)

For every new method of discerning authenticity, it seems you ladies develop another way to make us question. Because that’s what it comes down to, ladies of the jury, reasonable doubt. In the end, no man EVER can be more than 99.9999999999999999999999% certain you came. That leaves room for one to freak out, freak out, FREAK OUT, like your boy did, Ashlee.

Look, it’s tougher to conjure tangible proof of an orgasm from your end. Let’s be honest. Not all women squirt (if indeed squirting isn’t a myth, for you nonbelievers out there). 99 out of 100 men do ejaculate. That means we’ve got to take you at your word.

So, it comes down to trust. He apparently didn’t trust himself to be a good enough lover to take you to places that aren’t even human (“I made a woman meow”). He didn’t trust you to be honest with your orgasms or lack thereof. He lapsed in the intimacy department.

Odds are he’s had some issues with women faking it in the past or at least of him thinking they’ve faked it with him. Once again we have a situation where one partner is projecting his issues onto the other. As always, it’s a PITA!

You’ve got a few different approaches, from talking it out to seducing with role play, light bondage, or any kink you can think of. However, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, Rome is f@%*ing. Oh yeah, lots of it. And you do not stop until there is no doubt in his mind that you’ve been climbing the stairway to heaven and the stairway was his penis. That’s the best, most practical, and guaranteed way to work through this.

It may not be PC but what the Hell is so PC about a penis going into a vagina to begin with? Sex isn’t sterile. It’s fun. It’s primal. It’s chaos at it’s most exciting and pleasurable. It’s also a venue for vulnerability. He got vulnerable while you got off. Now, like any scared kitten, you’ve got to lure him back into feeling safe. Call him, meet him, screw him. And if that doesn’t work, then screw him. Get yourself a new boy toy because that one’s broken.

Having what she’s having,

The Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

I have been hearing lots of stories from my college ladies lately and I have to be honest, I am getting a little worried.  Let me share a few with you.

Recently, I heard one about a junior that had been sleeping with her boyfriend  for a year and only had fake orgasms since she didn’t want to hurt his  feelings or tell him that she had actually NEVER orgasmed.  Sound familiar?

Here is another…A sophomore who was taking 3am drunk calls from her ex and hooking up, but ended up feeling lonelier and more depressed the next  day.  Although she keeps regretting it, she doesn’t know how to stop.  Has  this happened to anyone you know?

You might be saying “Kira, these have nothing to do with me,” but hear me out.  They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Here is why.

Since I started coaching college women, I feel like I am living in a world of stories about drunken hook-ups, walks of shame and disappointment.   Understand, I am not judging AT ALL.  Hooking-up is part of the college culture and can be a lot of fun.  My point is that after the laughing dies down about their latest escapades, I hear the sadness in their voices about how they thought he would call or that it would turn into more.  Rarely do they truly express too much since it somehow seems weak to say that they really want a relationship or to feel love and  affection.  I, too, have been guilty of the idea that to be a strong woman I should not want or need anyone, let alone a man.  But that is a lie that we have bought in to.  The real strength is understanding how we can grow into better individuals by being in relationships, learning from mistakes and by choosing love.  Even if sometimes it doesn’t work.

Here is the most worrisome part of all.   The aftermath of the quiet heartache and bad decisions.  The blaming. Here come the inevitable comments…What the f*ck is wrong with college guys?  Why are they all players and a**holes?  Why don’t any of them want a relationship?  How could they act like fill-in-the-blank?  You get my drift.

I believe that I actually have the answer to that question…just most of the time it is really hard to hear.  The answer is us.  The women they date, hook-up with and sleep with.  WE are what is wrong with college guys (or most guys in general).  Before you start your hate comments below, hear me out.

One of the quotes I have fully embraced as a coach and as a person is “we teach people how to treat us.”  If you feel used and abused, unheard, unloved, taken advantage of, sh*t on, ignored, left out, whatever, most likely somewhere along the way you let the people in your life think it was OK to treat you like that.  Don’t get me wrong, you did it with the best intentions.  You wanted to be liked or loved and thought by allowing bad behavior they would turn around and love you.  But what actually happened is that by not setting up boundaries, you allowed them to walk  all over you and disrespect your time, body and feelings.

Here is the real issue, ladies. Not only do your choices affect you , they also affect all the women you know, and even the ones you don’t.  Why does it matter to you that someone else is faking orgasms or letting some guy treat her like crap?  Because after awhile that is what guys start thinking is the norm.  When that guy dates someone else and uses his “magic moves” he is going to be confused and frustrated when they don’t work.  Is it really his fault if she never took the time to show him what she liked?   If she never communicated with him what worked and what didn’t?  She has just set him (and every other girl he dates) up for failure. What about drunk 3am guy?  If she keeps hooking up with him, he is going to start thinking that is acceptable behavior.  Why wouldn’t he?  He is rewarded every time he does it.

So when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that is how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated.  I mean who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that all of you complain about so much…their mom?

I am well aware that guys need a talkin’ to, but we are going to work on the one part of every relationship you can control.  Yourself.

Ladies, we need to stop hating on guys and each other and starting helping our sisters out!  Pay it forward, if you will.  By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future of relationships for all of us.  College is first place we really learn how to date on our own and paves the way for the future.

How can you do that? As Gandhi says “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Here is how you can start.

- If constant hook-ups are leaving you feeling more lonely and depressed, hand them your number instead.   Trust that there are plenty of good guys out there (I believe there are) and they will call you if they like you and are interested in starting something.

- If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene.

- If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.

- If you are having sex and not getting what you want, get to know your own body and what it likes and then communicate it to your partner.  (And yes, I  am talking about “private” sexy time.)

- If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and then follow through on your word knowing that you will feel better alone at night then with someone who doesn’t treat you well.  Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

- If you are hooking up regularly, just check in with yourself every once in a while to make sure you are still feeling good about it.  Ask yourself if you feel like you have power in the situation.  What are your expectations? Is this for fun or to fill a void?  Just keep this in mind: hook-ups don’t necessarily equal a relationship.  If that is the only tactic you are trying, you are probably going to end up with that sick feeling in your stomach.

- Look for the good guys. They are out there.  Promise.

- Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected.  But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.

If it is hard to do it it for yourself, do it for all the other women out there.  You won’t regret it.

Need help to get ready for love? Get all of Kira’s advice right here. Or check out Crush Camp on Kira’s new college love advice site www.thecollegecrush.com.

For those of you that need it: how to orgasm.

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It doesn’t mean that some things aren’t better faked.

Sometimes you just don’t have the time to read the New York Times every morning, or take up sailing to impress the hot preppy guy in your economics class, or even make sure your life isn’t a complete disaster. In this case, sometimes a girl just has to fake it. Hey, you think I actually have time to read the whole Economist every week to fit in with my superstar Ivy peers? Hells no.

How to Fake Knowing About Current Events:

1. Pick up the Economist from the library, read the first 5 pages where they summarize all the major events that happened in the past week in bullet points.

2. Skim the world section of the Times every morning, usually you can pick up the main points in 10 minutes- things in Iraq continue to go to hell, terrorism lives on, etc.

3. Every Sunday the Times summarizes all the major news stories of the previous week. Plus all the stories rock.

How to Fake Sexual Skill

1. You don’t really have to; most guys are thrilled to have you naked at all.

2. Reverse cowgirl. It’s so easy, but so effective. It’s like girl on top, only you face backwards. Guys love this move, especially if you’re wearing cute underwear.

3. A little moaning always fixes everything. No seriously, it does. Bonus points for a hair toss now and then.

How to Fake Being Preppy (in case your boyfriend invites you home … in CT)

1. Put on cable knit sweater, add pearl earrings, throw on some Sperry’s. Bonus points for sporting pink and green.

2. Apply pink blush to the apples of your cheeks so it looks like you just got back from brisk row.

3. Throw a copy of “The Official Preppy Handbook” in your monogrammed L.L. Bean tote (you know – in case you need to sneak off to the bathroom for a reference).

How to Disguise the Freshman 15:

1. I can’t stress this enough; A black turtleneck. It makes your chest look huge and your waist tiny.

2. Dark denim jeans, knee length skirts, empire waists, black leggings. Whatever you do, avoid flats and skirts together like the plague.

3. If you don’t have time to exercise, 50-100 lunges a day will firm things up in a couple of weeks.

How to Fake Knowing About New Music:

1. Always have an obscure band to reference. Even better, have two: “Yeah, the new stuff from Arcade Fire is great, for sure, but doesn’t it sound a little like the Coke Squirrels’ second album?”

2. Memorize the names of the top bands on College Music’s Top Lists and listen to a clip from each on www.myspace.com. Throw around names liberally.

3. There is nothing like iTunes for checking up random bands without actually bothering to listen to, or pay to hear their full songs.

How to Fake Looking Good After Pulling An All-Nighter:

1. Visine and an eyelash curler for your bloodshot eyes; apricot blush for your pasty complexion; a high, tight ponytail for that sophisticated European scholar look.

2. Take off those grim sweatpants and throw on a pair of equally comfortable low slung cargo pants, tight camisole, topped off with a little cardigan. It feels like PJs but looks so damn good.

3. Lay off the coffee unless you want to kill your stomach lining; wash down a caffeine pill with a tall glass of orange juice instead. It’s a buzz with vitamins and minerals.

And who could forget Meg Ryan’s character in When Harry Met Sally producing the most infamous fake orgasm in movie history (if you haven’t seen it, you need to watch it now). In that scene, Sally proves she’s not only a great actress, but she also points out a rather sad but realistic fact  — “most women at one time or another have faked it.”

To do a little research for this article, I made my way over to Google and searched the simple term “faking it.” I was shocked –  there were at least 4 results on how to fake an orgasm, how to hide faking an orgasm, what it meant to fake an orgasm, and only one link on how to have an actual orgasm. And that was just the first page. Wait… what?

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: while we all have our reasons to fake it, if you want your partner to do what they need to do to make you have a real one, you have to stop faking your orgasms. Women get themselves into a vicious cycle once they fake it. It usually starts with good intentions because no one wants to hurt their partner’s feelings with the dreaded “I don’t think it’s going to happen.” So you fake it, everyone’s ego is intact, and you can carry on with your day. But here’s the problem – if your partner thinks they’re doing it right (right enough for you to finish) how will they know to change what they’re doing so you can actually get there? Well, that’s the thing, they won’t.

The biggest problem a lot of people have with their sex life is that they are afraid to communicate. As a woman, I know that we’re subliminally told that “nice girls” don’t ask for what they want in bed. There’s still a bit of 1950s mentality when it comes to women and sex, and that’s something that needs to change. If it’s not happening for you, talking to your partner about what you need is really the first step. Nicely, of course. Something along the lines of “hey, I saw this thing in a movie once and thought maybe we could try it…” or “I think (insert what you want here) would be really cool, let’s try it!”

So what if you’ve been faking it for three years and don’t know how to tell your partner? Well, that’s easy… don’t tell them. I know, I know, it sounds awful, but not as awful as your partner will feel when they find out you’ve been lying to them for three years. But you need to stop faking it. Pretend that not being able to finish is something new, and you don’t know why all of the sudden it’s just not working. How weird! But hey, maybe if your partner tries (insert what you want here), it might do the trick. And voila, hopefully there’ll be fireworks and toe curls and loud (authentic) screams in no time.

But all of this seems like a lot of work to reverse a mistake you made in the first place. Just don’t fake it, enjoy sex for what it is and try to take the pressure off. It helps to understand that it doesn’t have to end in orgasm every single time. And for you ladies who’ve never had an orgasm? Don’t worry, I’ll touch on masturbation and self exploration next week

Cuz they do. A lot.

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This week I asked the writers to dole out the advice again. This time, though, we’re dishing it to the ladies. Not because we hate, but because we want to stop our fellow females from making huge life mistakes. YOu know, like wearing full makeup to the gym or starving themselves to fit some unrealistic standard of beauty.

Share your own nuggets of wisdom and advice with your sistas in the comments section.

Kiki – University of Missouri: Friends don’t let friends date Justin Bobbys. Also, you can probably get that top for $24.80 at Forever 21.

Gemma – NYU: Cliche but true: chicks before dicks. Men can be awesome, but you’ll have more fun if you spend less time thinking about ‘em, do what makes you happy, enjoy your kick-ass friends, and then let a lucky fella or two come along for the ride.

Alex – Lakehead University: Don’t compromise yourself for a boy. You won’t have to change anything about yourself when someone loves you.

Leah – Ryerson University: If you have to think about whether a piece of clothing is too short or too tight, it probably is.

John – UConn: Girls, secretly, men all wish we could be pretty like you. I mean, right? Right, guys?

Thu – USC: Five-inch heels are not necessary for class. Seriously.

Erica – Kent State University: Don’t hate the girl, hate YOUR GUY.

Lauren – University of Michigan: The number inside your clothes doesn’t matter. What does matter is how they fit. You’ll only look bigger if you try and squeeze that booty into a size too small.

Ricki- University of Michigan: You may think that faking an orgasm is a good idea, but in reality, your man will never learn the real way to please you.  Try instructing him instead.

Lauren H – The New School: Always carry condoms! You cannot rely on men to be prepared!

Katie – Michigan State University:  Pajamas are for your bedroom, not anywhere else.  I don’t care if it’s only the grocery store, even jeans and a tee-shirt are better!

Donnette – Manhattanville College: DO NOT depend on a guy to boost your self esteem. Find yourself, love yourself, respect yourself.

Noa – CU Boulder: Making out with other girls doesn’t make guys want you. It makes them think you’re trashy.

Vanessa – Sheridan College: You WILL be okay, even if you’re single.

Liza M – University of Minnesota: Invest in quality, well-fitting bras! Seriously girls, they make all the difference – you’ll look and feel fabulous

Charlsie — Hollins University: Every woman needs to know how to check her oil by herself. It seems like a small task, but I think it’s pretty important.

Maddie – Tufts: Know when the something looks good on you, and if it doesn’t, don’t wear it just because it’s “in.” Ex. if you are not tall and somewhat thin, do not wear high waisted jean shorts. Just don’t!

Why do we orgasm?: Truth be told, nobody actually knows for sure. Some say that it encourages patience from your partner because we take so damn long to climax. Others say that the exhaustive effects of orgasm keep the woman horizontal, and thus, keep the sperm from “falling out” of the woman. I don’t need to tell you that both of those have been ruled out as possible reasons for the Big O. Newer theories suggest that orgasm increases the probability of conception and/or the frequency of sex. Honestly, I don’t really care why, where, when and who it happens with as long as it gets the job done.

Orgasm spontaneity: Some women have reported orgasms as a result of non-sexual activity. Climax can be induced by riding a bike or certain types of exercise. Any activity that tightens the pelvic muscles, including yawning and sneezing, may induce spontaneous orgasm. I’m thinkin’ I may just skip my dose of allergy medication today…

Don’t fake it: In one study, 49% of women interviewed admit to having faked an orgasm at least once. And believe me, we’re good at it (If you don’t believe me, watch this clip from When Harry Met Sally). According to experts, however, faking climax may give your partner the wrong idea of what you want. For instance, say that you fake an orgasm to get your boyfriend to stop sucking on your toe. Once you pretend you like it, I promise you he will be all over that toe every single time you hook up thereafter. Instead, just tell the guy what you like and you won’t have to waste your incredible acting skills on an audience of one.

Orgasms are good for your health: Various studies have found regular orgasms to be associated with: heightened sense of smell, reduced risk of cardiovascular disease, weight loss and body fitness, reduced depression, less bodily pain, a heightened immune system, more bladder control, and healthier teeth. (Editor’s note: Healthier teeth!?) Remember, all of these benefits are definitely not worth the risk of contracting a STI, so make sure he wraps it up before you get your daily dose of booty.

We can never have too much sex: Unfortunately, men are not so lucky. While sex firms our buns, tones our abs, and improves our posture, it has been known to cause “penile damage” to our male counterparts. According to an article on MSNBC, “Penile tissues, if given too roistering or prolonged a pummeling, can sustain damage.” So next time a guy calls you selfish for not “returning the favor” just tell him you’re really just trying to protect him from the tragic effects of a penile pummeling.

Maybe that can explain why I’m about ready to hump a vacuum. But my lack of booty isn’t all bad; I’m saving tons of money on birth control, which is a way overpriced on campus. And I don’t have to worry about getting an STD from some un-cut rando, or having to fake it with a lousy one.  Oh, and it gives me plenty of time to do those things that I could never do when I had a man.

I have too much crap to do to get into a relationship, anyway (unless he’s interested). Plus, what’s the point? Technology is going to ruin it. Even if having a boyfriend could save me money, I’d rather save it in other ways.

So I guess I’m fine with staying in tonight. I’ll just pop in a DVD, play some video games, order in some Thai food and catch up on all that crap I was too lazy to do all week. Like spot treatments for my zits and making that much needed gyno appointment. Now doesn’t that sound like fun!?